Perspective is everything
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I'm reading back through my old posts, especially back to the original one to remember where I 'started' here so I don't lose my perspective as things feel 'normal' here right now and I so easily forget the bad. AH didn't drink over the weekend and didn't comment or complain about it at all (good thing in my book). He's not trying to bargain with me for 'just one or two' like all of the other times we've been down this road. We don't even talk about it. This is important because I find myself longing for THIS to be my reality, but when I stop and let my self think I become terrified that I really have no idea what's going on in his head. I have no idea if the counselor in this program feeds into him wanting to 'moderate' or if they are trying to work him through the idea that he's addicted to alcohol and should just have NONE. EVER. I'm obviously not going to press him on this, time will tell. I'm just scared.
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I haven't asked much about the outpatient program other than 'how was it' and let him tell me what he wants to tell me. So far it sounds like he's 1 of 4 in a group. They've talked about coping mechanisms and ways to better yourself. He asked me last night if I had any thoughts on ways he can better himself... I don't know if I should let him figure this out on his own, or what. The first thing that always comes to mind for me is exercise and eating right. He's trying to eat right so that's something. He's talked a couple of times about the importance of keeping his hands busy in the evening, and trying to break the association between work in the garage and drinking a beer. And the association between relaxing and drinking. He says his biggest problem over the years is that he's gotten into this habit of coming home after work and requiring a drink to relax and he thinks that's where his problem stems from.
As far as coping mechanisms and ways to better yourself, what else do you guys think? He's taken up baseball with the boys recently, we're going on hour long family walks in the mornings on the weekend. I've been cooking healthy meals in the evening with him helping or playing with the boys. Not sure what else I can suggest, glad he's asked but I've come up empty.
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I haven't asked much about the outpatient program other than 'how was it' and let him tell me what he wants to tell me. So far it sounds like he's 1 of 4 in a group. They've talked about coping mechanisms and ways to better yourself. He asked me last night if I had any thoughts on ways he can better himself... I don't know if I should let him figure this out on his own, or what. The first thing that always comes to mind for me is exercise and eating right. He's trying to eat right so that's something. He's talked a couple of times about the importance of keeping his hands busy in the evening, and trying to break the association between work in the garage and drinking a beer. And the association between relaxing and drinking. He says his biggest problem over the years is that he's gotten into this habit of coming home after work and requiring a drink to relax and he thinks that's where his problem stems from.
As far as coping mechanisms and ways to better yourself, what else do you guys think? He's taken up baseball with the boys recently, we're going on hour long family walks in the mornings on the weekend. I've been cooking healthy meals in the evening with him helping or playing with the boys. Not sure what else I can suggest, glad he's asked but I've come up empty.
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I think I would let him figure it out on his own.
You don't need to have another persons well-being on your plate perhaps?
If I felt that over eating or drinking or gambling had become a problem as this is how I unwound after a day at work, and I decided I wanted to address that, I'd find something else to do after work. The gym, hot bath, alone with half an hour of soothing music, sitting in the park - there are a gazillion things.
His coping mechanisms are askew right now. Perhaps staying out of this particular lane is to everyone's benefit, if he isn't able to sort this out, how will he sort the rest out?
Bit of a red flag there, you are walking on eggshells? Not wanting to broach the subject, no idea what he's up to and what his intent is. You are married to him and about to have your 3rd child. I say ask him whatever you like about his recovery as it pertains to you.
If his idea is moderation, then it is, so be it, but you need to know this so you can decide if this fits in with your boundary.
You don't need to have another persons well-being on your plate perhaps?
If I felt that over eating or drinking or gambling had become a problem as this is how I unwound after a day at work, and I decided I wanted to address that, I'd find something else to do after work. The gym, hot bath, alone with half an hour of soothing music, sitting in the park - there are a gazillion things.
His coping mechanisms are askew right now. Perhaps staying out of this particular lane is to everyone's benefit, if he isn't able to sort this out, how will he sort the rest out?
Bit of a red flag there, you are walking on eggshells? Not wanting to broach the subject, no idea what he's up to and what his intent is. You are married to him and about to have your 3rd child. I say ask him whatever you like about his recovery as it pertains to you.
If his idea is moderation, then it is, so be it, but you need to know this so you can decide if this fits in with your boundary.
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Trailmix - thanks for the advice. That does make sense, but you're right, I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells not wanting to 'push' him before he's ready to make that decision, if he's made that decision. It may be that I've had the conversation with him SO MANY TIMES about just stopping and he's NEVER been open to it. I don't know what would be different now other than he knows I'm serious about leaving. Reading back through all of this old stuff really helps, it makes me sick to think of the stress and anxiety I had on a regular basis with him. The hating him and having to get over it quickly just to move on with my day and be normal for my kids.
Okay so stay in my lane on all things recovery for him and just let him work through those himself. You're right, he's a big boy and I don't need to worry about my suggestions working for him or not.
And I need to ask him about his thoughts on what his long term plan is. I just fear the response.
Okay so stay in my lane on all things recovery for him and just let him work through those himself. You're right, he's a big boy and I don't need to worry about my suggestions working for him or not.
And I need to ask him about his thoughts on what his long term plan is. I just fear the response.
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Well, I know I may have said this a lot on this list over the years, but the biggest impediment to my getting sober and into real recovery was the myth of moderation.
I kept hearing, thinking, wanting to believe it is possible, but now I am firmly convinced that once the brain chemistry is altered by overdrinking you cannot "flip the switch" back into the ability to reliably socially drink ever again.
Given the new baby coming, etc. I would weigh very carefully staying with an alcoholic who thinks they will be able to control their drinking enough to moderate "someday".
I'm very happy you had a good weekend and I hope he sees how great just being himself sober with his family can be and embraces it going forward.
I kept hearing, thinking, wanting to believe it is possible, but now I am firmly convinced that once the brain chemistry is altered by overdrinking you cannot "flip the switch" back into the ability to reliably socially drink ever again.
Given the new baby coming, etc. I would weigh very carefully staying with an alcoholic who thinks they will be able to control their drinking enough to moderate "someday".
I'm very happy you had a good weekend and I hope he sees how great just being himself sober with his family can be and embraces it going forward.
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Hawkeye - thanks for the input. Yes, that's my thought as well. How can I go back to that? All he's done for YEARS is insist 'this time he'll do better' and he gives me numbers of drinks and tries to bargain what's reasonable and tries on his own to moderate and I'm ALWAYS disappointed and frustrated and angry and resentful. He may be able to do it sometimes, but never consistently. He's shown on many occasions that his brain chemistry when it comes to alcohol has been altered and he doesn't have control. He WANTS control, but he's shown me way too many times he doesn't have it. It's just too much for me. So I'm doing my best to stick to my hard line of no alcohol if he wants to keep his family together. I just cannot live that life anymore.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative 
And I need to ask him about his thoughts on what his long term plan is. I just fear the response.
I think some fear is perfectly normal, a lot is riding on this. That's why you need to focus on yourself and your kiddies.
If his response is - I'm quitting for good! - well this is good, time will tell.
If it is - I'll quit for a month then slowly moderate, maybe a beer or two after work and a bit more on weekends. Or, I will be able to drink as I please, once I don't use it as a coping mechanism but as a refreshing beverage.
Once you have his answer, you enforce your boundary. Either answer could have you moving back to your home town or having him move out, so you absolutely need to prepare for that, you need a plan, then it won't seem so scary.
- Legal separation in your state?
- Moving, where will you live
- Staying, how will you proceed with asking him to leave
- Financial, are you in a position to support yourself and your children, what options do you have. Will moving or staying have you in a better position financially? Weigh both perhaps.
- Emotionally. Which area provides you with much needed emotional support for you and the kiddies.
Just some things to think about. Maybe a list, pros and cons? Getting it out on paper might actually put your mind at ease a bit.
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I too would let him figure it out. That being said, I get it with the hands thing. Habits are so ingrained into our routines that it's hard to break.
I have a friend who is trying to quit smoking. She said the smoking part itself is not nearly as hard as just figuring out what to do with her actual hands because she is so usto holding the cigarette itself.
I think it's good that he is talking to you about these issues and all you can do is support him. You don't have to solve it for him, that's up to him. And he has the support to do so in outpatient.
I have a friend who is trying to quit smoking. She said the smoking part itself is not nearly as hard as just figuring out what to do with her actual hands because she is so usto holding the cigarette itself.
I think it's good that he is talking to you about these issues and all you can do is support him. You don't have to solve it for him, that's up to him. And he has the support to do so in outpatient.
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I always said to my spouse I could "moderate" in good faith and I really thought I could--that because I could abstain from drinking I could manage to drink like a normie.
And I did manage at times to do that, or even go between drinks days or weeks. but in the end, I could never do it reliably and my amounts and frequency always crept up or went haywire.
I think if you look at the other lists, you'll see that same story over and over and over.
If he isn't being clear that he's done for good, I agree with the above posters you should be clear with him that future moderation is not an acceptable outcome for you.
Otherwise, you may just be wasting each other's time and energy trying to fix something you both see two viable and very different solutions for. . .
And I did manage at times to do that, or even go between drinks days or weeks. but in the end, I could never do it reliably and my amounts and frequency always crept up or went haywire.
I think if you look at the other lists, you'll see that same story over and over and over.
If he isn't being clear that he's done for good, I agree with the above posters you should be clear with him that future moderation is not an acceptable outcome for you.
Otherwise, you may just be wasting each other's time and energy trying to fix something you both see two viable and very different solutions for. . .
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Hawkeye - you two must be very similar then in that respect. I truly think he believes what he says when he talks about moderation (although he hasn't brought that up since starting the outpatient program). But it's a slippery slope, right? He can prove it to me one day but then screw up the next and I just never know. And it absolutely 100% gets worse if I stay and allow for it in my family, right? That's a sticking point for me. Reading all of these stories and realizing if we don't address this now when there's some CHANCE he'll have the realization of what it's doing to his brain, then eventually it can and will just take over his ability to logic through this.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
Hawkeye - you two must be very similar then in that respect. I truly think he believes what he says when he talks about moderation (although he hasn't brought that up since starting the outpatient program). But it's a slippery slope, right? He can prove it to me one day but then screw up the next and I just never know. And it absolutely 100% gets worse if I stay and allow for it in my family, right? That's a sticking point for me. Reading all of these stories and realizing if we don't address this now when there's some CHANCE he'll have the realization of what it's doing to his brain, then eventually it can and will just take over his ability to logic through this.
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trailmix - and do you believe that the outpatient program will drive that point home to him? even if he isn't in a place where he'll listen (who knows), it's coming from someone other than me there, right? Of course you have no way to know, but based on your experience with these kinds of programs.
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Some threads on moderation:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Tried to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (When moderation isn't very moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderate-2.html (Newbie trying to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Failure to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-drinking.html (Will the shakes ever go if I switch to moderate drinking?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-drinking.html (is it at all possible to moderate drinking?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...my-intake.html (I want to moderate my intake)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-drinker.html (Can an alcoholic become a 'moderate' drinker?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Blew it again - proof that I cannot moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...quare-one.html (Tried (and failed) To Moderate - Back to Square One)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ker-again.html (is it possible to become a moderate drinker again)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Tried to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (When moderation isn't very moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderate-2.html (Newbie trying to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Failure to moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-drinking.html (Will the shakes ever go if I switch to moderate drinking?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-drinking.html (is it at all possible to moderate drinking?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...my-intake.html (I want to moderate my intake)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-drinker.html (Can an alcoholic become a 'moderate' drinker?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-moderate.html (Blew it again - proof that I cannot moderate)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...quare-one.html (Tried (and failed) To Moderate - Back to Square One)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ker-again.html (is it possible to become a moderate drinker again)
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We were similar in that respect--it took some relapses FWN, but now I fully accept moderation can never be part of my recovery.
It's a tough sell to drinkers who cannot imagine a happy without drink, however. These days you couldn't pay me to drink alcohol because I've had enough sobriety and recovery to realize how great life is sober, and also what a cyclic crazy train I was on, both as passenger (family) and engineer (drinker).
I know better now, but some "programs" and approaches keep perpetuating the myth that it is possible, and the desperate drinkers keep trying it.
If he is in such a program, and they are telling him that nonsense, I would beware. If they are telling him no, moderation is not possible, he still may not accept it.
It's a tough sell to drinkers who cannot imagine a happy without drink, however. These days you couldn't pay me to drink alcohol because I've had enough sobriety and recovery to realize how great life is sober, and also what a cyclic crazy train I was on, both as passenger (family) and engineer (drinker).
I know better now, but some "programs" and approaches keep perpetuating the myth that it is possible, and the desperate drinkers keep trying it.
If he is in such a program, and they are telling him that nonsense, I would beware. If they are telling him no, moderation is not possible, he still may not accept it.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
trailmix - and do you believe that the outpatient program will drive that point home to him? even if he isn't in a place where he'll listen (who knows), it's coming from someone other than me there, right? Of course you have no way to know, but based on your experience with these kinds of programs.
I don't have any experience with anyone ever getting sober/in to recovery. I have seen attempts at moderation (no, it didn't work).
You know it's really how he thinks. You know and I know that he can't moderate but does he know it? He knows that drinking to excess is bad for him and your family, but he still did it.
Don't be afraid of this fwn, don't be afraid of him. He is not a china doll. Ask him, he knows what his intentions are and I doubt anything anyone says to him will change that - but again, I don't know anyone in recovery.
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I'm just documenting below for my own sake. So that I have all of this information along with your comments in one place so that if he tries to convince me he can moderate, or that I should stay and watch him moderate instead of leaving that I can easily references all of this complete alcohol insanity I've dealt with in recent months. I cannot believe how hard it is to mesh what is REAL (the happenings below) with what is not real (my AH who I know and love and see every day who is sober most of every day but if/when he drinks at night is like another person) tell me things are fine and that I'm overreacting and/or crazy/controlling. I NEED to remember all of these times. This problem is not ME, it's HIM.
More instances just from June19, before I joined SR:
AH's dad and step mom came here for the first time in forever several weeks ago. They were supposed to watch the boys that Saturday while AH and I went to the school parent mixer that we'd had planned for months. AH hasn't been around any of the school people socially since the incident last December (the DWI) and I was excited to feel normal again and have my husband with me at one of these events.
That Saturday afternoon we swam and spent time with the family. I could tell he'd somehow been drinking and I stayed calm about it. I showered and got ready for the event and told him that I'd be going alone since clearly he'd been drinking and he didn't argue with me. I had to lie for him at the party, telling my friends that the reason he wasn't there was to spend more time with his dad.
The next day he tells me that he and his dad drank beers really fast in the garage (remember, his alcoholic father hides his drinking from his wife because she doesn't allow it). He apologized yada yada yada.
Fast forward to more recently, AH went out of town with his employees for 6 days to decompress from the insane stress that is happening at the office right now. Right before he left, literally that morning, we'd gotten into a fight about his drinking the night before and I once again told him I cannot do this, he lies and deceives and it's just too much for me.
He goes out of town for 6 days and we barely speak, he calls the boys maybe twice and texts me a video.
I know him and all of the other guys drank the entire time because well he told me and another wife talked to me about it as well.
Honestly this 6 days was refreshing for me. I didn't worry about his drinking or if he was lying to me and it was a very peaceful time at home. He came home telling me how much he missed us and I told him at the same time that honestly I didn't miss him being here because I didn't have to worry about his drinking. I slept better than I have in so long because I wasn't up stressing about our situation. He of course tells me he's going to do better.
Over the next week he drinks at home after work, beer and wine but I tried to not to let it bother me. Then that next Friday while DS was getting a frozen waffle from the freezer I see that the Tito's vodka bottle (that I looked at right before AH got back to see how much was in it, it was about 3/4-2/3 full) was almost gone. So he'd been drinking vodka as well as the beer and wine I'd seen him drink that week. I asked him about it and he said he didn't drink all that and acted confused and like I didn't know what I was talking about. Well none of the other 3 people in the house drank it... a 3 year old, a 6 year old, and his pregnant wife.
The next day was a Saturday which was a week ago. We spent the whole day preparing our backyard for the end of school swim party at our house. I was very excited and had been planning for a while. AH helped a ton which was awesome. I told him before the guests showed up that it was very important to me that he not get drunk at this party and was totally fine with that. Again, it's the first time he's been around these people since that incident happened (that I'm sure many know about) and I just needed him to show me that he wasn't that guy.
Well, he drank the entire time. It was clear to me he was drunk and he managed to be the only clearly drunk person at the party. One of the moms humorously said to me 'your husbands wasted' while laughing. He also lost his balance getting out of the pool while holding a beer and fell into the hot tub, on top of one of the 4 year old children and she cried for quite a while about it. He insisted to me he wasn't drunk after that and I told him he'd better only drink water.
I told him the next morning that I was super upset that he got drunk and that he needed to give up drinking in order for us to heal our relationship, that our relationship was not going to get better otherwise. He had 3 days to think about it because I was heading out of town for work Monday through Wednesday and I had his mother come here to stay and help with the boys while I was away.
I get back Wednesday and he doesn't drink, Thursday he doesn't drink. Yesterday, Friday he's home when I'm bringing the boys home from summer camp at noon. Apparently he's dropping his truck off at the house so he can go have lunch with his guys and he wants to 'have a beer.' I don't complain and he hops in his uber to lunch.
I texted him that afternoon telling him that if he seems like he's been drinking when he gets home I don't want to spend any time with him that night. He assures me he's fine and to not get upset before I even see him. One of his guys drops him back home at 4pm, he knows I need to go pick up an RX from the pharmacy before it closes for the week and we are out of town. He seems fine when he gets home and I leave to get the things I need before our trip tomorrow.
I get home from my errands and AH had clearly been drinking. I asked him immediately and he denies it, says no way he'd do that and what in the world am I talking about. He even tells me that 'alcohol has a delayed affect' and implies I may just see the result of his beer at lunch. I observe him longer putting legos together with the boys and I just know, it's like a 6th sense for me. I gave him SEVERAL opportunities to tell me the truth, I insist that I'm certain he's been drinking and that he just needs to tell me now and be honest. He sticks to his story. He comes to talk to me in bed after the boys and tries to tell me that this is all because 'I think he's a piece of ****' and he continues to victimize himself and says that I hate him. I tell him that unless he wants to specifically talk about the fact that he drank tonight that I have nothing to say to him. At this point he's just mute about that subject and ignores me. He goes to sleep in the guest room.
He came into my room at 6:30am this morning and put his head on me, said he was sorry for lying and that he had a few beers after I left to run errands and was embarrassed about it and lied to me and then didn't want to admit he lied so he continued to lie and he shouldn't have and that he was just sorry. I didn't say anything and he left the room. Been a relatively normal morning so far, he's still putting together legos with the boys.
More instances just from June19, before I joined SR:
AH's dad and step mom came here for the first time in forever several weeks ago. They were supposed to watch the boys that Saturday while AH and I went to the school parent mixer that we'd had planned for months. AH hasn't been around any of the school people socially since the incident last December (the DWI) and I was excited to feel normal again and have my husband with me at one of these events.
That Saturday afternoon we swam and spent time with the family. I could tell he'd somehow been drinking and I stayed calm about it. I showered and got ready for the event and told him that I'd be going alone since clearly he'd been drinking and he didn't argue with me. I had to lie for him at the party, telling my friends that the reason he wasn't there was to spend more time with his dad.
The next day he tells me that he and his dad drank beers really fast in the garage (remember, his alcoholic father hides his drinking from his wife because she doesn't allow it). He apologized yada yada yada.
Fast forward to more recently, AH went out of town with his employees for 6 days to decompress from the insane stress that is happening at the office right now. Right before he left, literally that morning, we'd gotten into a fight about his drinking the night before and I once again told him I cannot do this, he lies and deceives and it's just too much for me.
He goes out of town for 6 days and we barely speak, he calls the boys maybe twice and texts me a video.
I know him and all of the other guys drank the entire time because well he told me and another wife talked to me about it as well.
Honestly this 6 days was refreshing for me. I didn't worry about his drinking or if he was lying to me and it was a very peaceful time at home. He came home telling me how much he missed us and I told him at the same time that honestly I didn't miss him being here because I didn't have to worry about his drinking. I slept better than I have in so long because I wasn't up stressing about our situation. He of course tells me he's going to do better.
Over the next week he drinks at home after work, beer and wine but I tried to not to let it bother me. Then that next Friday while DS was getting a frozen waffle from the freezer I see that the Tito's vodka bottle (that I looked at right before AH got back to see how much was in it, it was about 3/4-2/3 full) was almost gone. So he'd been drinking vodka as well as the beer and wine I'd seen him drink that week. I asked him about it and he said he didn't drink all that and acted confused and like I didn't know what I was talking about. Well none of the other 3 people in the house drank it... a 3 year old, a 6 year old, and his pregnant wife.
The next day was a Saturday which was a week ago. We spent the whole day preparing our backyard for the end of school swim party at our house. I was very excited and had been planning for a while. AH helped a ton which was awesome. I told him before the guests showed up that it was very important to me that he not get drunk at this party and was totally fine with that. Again, it's the first time he's been around these people since that incident happened (that I'm sure many know about) and I just needed him to show me that he wasn't that guy.
Well, he drank the entire time. It was clear to me he was drunk and he managed to be the only clearly drunk person at the party. One of the moms humorously said to me 'your husbands wasted' while laughing. He also lost his balance getting out of the pool while holding a beer and fell into the hot tub, on top of one of the 4 year old children and she cried for quite a while about it. He insisted to me he wasn't drunk after that and I told him he'd better only drink water.
I told him the next morning that I was super upset that he got drunk and that he needed to give up drinking in order for us to heal our relationship, that our relationship was not going to get better otherwise. He had 3 days to think about it because I was heading out of town for work Monday through Wednesday and I had his mother come here to stay and help with the boys while I was away.
I get back Wednesday and he doesn't drink, Thursday he doesn't drink. Yesterday, Friday he's home when I'm bringing the boys home from summer camp at noon. Apparently he's dropping his truck off at the house so he can go have lunch with his guys and he wants to 'have a beer.' I don't complain and he hops in his uber to lunch.
I texted him that afternoon telling him that if he seems like he's been drinking when he gets home I don't want to spend any time with him that night. He assures me he's fine and to not get upset before I even see him. One of his guys drops him back home at 4pm, he knows I need to go pick up an RX from the pharmacy before it closes for the week and we are out of town. He seems fine when he gets home and I leave to get the things I need before our trip tomorrow.
I get home from my errands and AH had clearly been drinking. I asked him immediately and he denies it, says no way he'd do that and what in the world am I talking about. He even tells me that 'alcohol has a delayed affect' and implies I may just see the result of his beer at lunch. I observe him longer putting legos together with the boys and I just know, it's like a 6th sense for me. I gave him SEVERAL opportunities to tell me the truth, I insist that I'm certain he's been drinking and that he just needs to tell me now and be honest. He sticks to his story. He comes to talk to me in bed after the boys and tries to tell me that this is all because 'I think he's a piece of ****' and he continues to victimize himself and says that I hate him. I tell him that unless he wants to specifically talk about the fact that he drank tonight that I have nothing to say to him. At this point he's just mute about that subject and ignores me. He goes to sleep in the guest room.
He came into my room at 6:30am this morning and put his head on me, said he was sorry for lying and that he had a few beers after I left to run errands and was embarrassed about it and lied to me and then didn't want to admit he lied so he continued to lie and he shouldn't have and that he was just sorry. I didn't say anything and he left the room. Been a relatively normal morning so far, he's still putting together legos with the boys.
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Originally Posted by fortworthnative
He can prove it to me one day but then screw up the next and I just never know. And it absolutely 100% gets worse if I stay and allow for it in my family, right? That's a sticking point for me.
Ruminating over his intentions is a rabbit hole. It's way too early in his recovery for him to even know what his intentions are. Most alcoholics I know or have heard about are royal messes in the beginning and it's all they can do to get themselves to meetings every day. Beyond the daily meeting (or two or three,) most people in early recovery couldn't say what they intend, other than to not drink - today. It's unreasonable and fruitless to ask him to clarify his intentions right now. He really doesn't know clearly and his intentions will change, anyway. Remember, the slogan is One Day at a Time for a reason. More than today isn't necessary and isn't even possible to know about. If his recovery is about proving this 'n that to you and showing you that he can follow through on whatever he intends, it will not last. His recovery has to about wanting to be in recovery, not about earning your trust.
The important thing for you to focus on is what your intentions are. What are your boundaries? What is acceptable and what is unacceptable for you? Waiting for him to clarify his intentions, then reacting - that is not solid ground for you. Take this opportunity to clarify for yourself what your values are and what you want in this life. That is your firm foundation and from there all good things can grow.
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I agree it doesn't work to control someone's drinking,
but if the "master plan" is to return to moderation, well, I think he already knows if that's what he wants to do or not.
FA, your are spot on in that early recovery is a hard time, and intentions may be fulfilled or not, but I disagree that the OP should just wait around in limbo walking on eggs for him to only later let her know moderation was his plan all along.
but if the "master plan" is to return to moderation, well, I think he already knows if that's what he wants to do or not.
FA, your are spot on in that early recovery is a hard time, and intentions may be fulfilled or not, but I disagree that the OP should just wait around in limbo walking on eggs for him to only later let her know moderation was his plan all along.
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