Cat on a hot tin roof
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Cat on a hot tin roof
This morning I was enjoying my coffee. AH comes out on the patio with his and is nice to me. I tell him I hope we can be friends after he moves out. The niceness stopped. He went into deep thinking, rubbing his head, pacing, silent. I make an observation to him “you ok? You seem nervous deep in thought”. He says, lots to figure out and only I can do it. Then he gets a bit angry “ I’m not sitting here plotting when I can drink, how to get a drink, or where I can drink if that’s what you’re thinking”. I wasn’t thinking that, but to myself I acknowledge that was probably exactly what he was thinking, but what do I know. I went about my morning and he got ready for his A.A. meeting, all in silence. I’m beginning to see he’s not mad at me at all, he’s just mad.... in mire ways than one .
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
True recovery doesn't happen in just a few days or couple of weeks... it takes a long time and a lot of hard work.
For them and for us.
For them and for us.
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Dazed,
I agree with Hopeful, keep enjoying your coffee and seeking your own peace of mind.
This doesn’t seem like recovery, true recovery to me. But what do I know?
Do you know many recovered addicts? Recovery is a long process. If your AH has truly committed this time, his recovery will become apparent to everyone around him, it will glow quietly. But my stars! Not in the first year! Or even two! Looking for serious change or signs of recovery in an alcoholic who has been sober and attending some kind of recovery practice for a couple weeks after spending years and years of alcoholic drinking is not fair.
AlAnon gave me a lot of tools to learn how to respect that side of the street and see that I needed just as much changing as the As in my life! I could easily sit in judgement of them and their progress or their insanity, but what did that get me? It allowed me to keep the focus on something other than my own problems, faults, dreams, and goals.
When my father ended his 25+ year drinking career that first couple years was really weird and he was all over the map. But his recovery started shining through with consistency and because he truly recovered he was really a changed person. He was so much more enlightened, humorous, compassionate, forgiving, authentic, and respectful than my non-drinking mother who never worked on her own judgemental codie behaviors and attitude and to this day has never self-examined herself or grown towards the kind of genuine present non-judgemental person my father became.
Your AHs behavior sounds completely within spec for an alcoholic who has been sober for a couple weeks after a nasty bender and who is making a bid at recovery. Let him have at it. It is not like a light-switch. More will be revealed.
Make the most of your days!!
Peace,
B
I agree with Hopeful, keep enjoying your coffee and seeking your own peace of mind.
This doesn’t seem like recovery, true recovery to me. But what do I know?
Do you know many recovered addicts? Recovery is a long process. If your AH has truly committed this time, his recovery will become apparent to everyone around him, it will glow quietly. But my stars! Not in the first year! Or even two! Looking for serious change or signs of recovery in an alcoholic who has been sober and attending some kind of recovery practice for a couple weeks after spending years and years of alcoholic drinking is not fair.
AlAnon gave me a lot of tools to learn how to respect that side of the street and see that I needed just as much changing as the As in my life! I could easily sit in judgement of them and their progress or their insanity, but what did that get me? It allowed me to keep the focus on something other than my own problems, faults, dreams, and goals.
When my father ended his 25+ year drinking career that first couple years was really weird and he was all over the map. But his recovery started shining through with consistency and because he truly recovered he was really a changed person. He was so much more enlightened, humorous, compassionate, forgiving, authentic, and respectful than my non-drinking mother who never worked on her own judgemental codie behaviors and attitude and to this day has never self-examined herself or grown towards the kind of genuine present non-judgemental person my father became.
Your AHs behavior sounds completely within spec for an alcoholic who has been sober for a couple weeks after a nasty bender and who is making a bid at recovery. Let him have at it. It is not like a light-switch. More will be revealed.
Make the most of your days!!
Peace,
B
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
Dazed,
I agree with Hopeful, keep enjoying your coffee and seeking your own peace of mind.
This doesn’t seem like recovery, true recovery to me. But what do I know?
Do you know many recovered addicts? Recovery is a long process. If your AH has truly committed this time, his recovery will become apparent to everyone around him, it will glow quietly. But my stars! Not in the first year! Or even two! Looking for serious change or signs of recovery in an alcoholic who has been sober and attending some kind of recovery practice for a couple weeks after spending years and years of alcoholic drinking is not fair.
AlAnon gave me a lot of tools to learn how to respect that side of the street and see that I needed just as much changing as the As in my life! I could easily sit in judgement of them and their progress or their insanity, but what did that get me? It allowed me to keep the focus on something other than my own problems, faults, dreams, and goals.
When my father ended his 25+ year drinking career that first couple years was really weird and he was all over the map. But his recovery started shining through with consistency and because he truly recovered he was really a changed person. He was so much more enlightened, humorous, compassionate, forgiving, authentic, and respectful than my non-drinking mother who never worked on her own judgemental codie behaviors and attitude and to this day has never self-examined herself or grown towards the kind of genuine present non-judgemental person my father became.
Your AHs behavior sounds completely within spec for an alcoholic who has been sober for a couple weeks after a nasty bender and who is making a bid at recovery. Let him have at it. It is not like a light-switch. More will be revealed.
Make the most of your days!!
Peace,
B
I agree with Hopeful, keep enjoying your coffee and seeking your own peace of mind.
This doesn’t seem like recovery, true recovery to me. But what do I know?
Do you know many recovered addicts? Recovery is a long process. If your AH has truly committed this time, his recovery will become apparent to everyone around him, it will glow quietly. But my stars! Not in the first year! Or even two! Looking for serious change or signs of recovery in an alcoholic who has been sober and attending some kind of recovery practice for a couple weeks after spending years and years of alcoholic drinking is not fair.
AlAnon gave me a lot of tools to learn how to respect that side of the street and see that I needed just as much changing as the As in my life! I could easily sit in judgement of them and their progress or their insanity, but what did that get me? It allowed me to keep the focus on something other than my own problems, faults, dreams, and goals.
When my father ended his 25+ year drinking career that first couple years was really weird and he was all over the map. But his recovery started shining through with consistency and because he truly recovered he was really a changed person. He was so much more enlightened, humorous, compassionate, forgiving, authentic, and respectful than my non-drinking mother who never worked on her own judgemental codie behaviors and attitude and to this day has never self-examined herself or grown towards the kind of genuine present non-judgemental person my father became.
Your AHs behavior sounds completely within spec for an alcoholic who has been sober for a couple weeks after a nasty bender and who is making a bid at recovery. Let him have at it. It is not like a light-switch. More will be revealed.
Make the most of your days!!
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hi ya dazed,
One of the the things I’ve learned in my dealings with my AW is to not push her buttons, rub her face in it, seek revenge ETC. It took a while for me to get that because I was hurting pretty bad, but it helps everyone.
The guy doesn’t want a divorce, knows he’s getting one anyway, and knows his life is falling apart around him due to his addiction. Imagine the anxiety. I realize his choices brought it on himself, but still.
To me telling an alcoholic spouse, or any spouse, you’re divorcing that you hope that you can still be friends when they haven’t even really accepted the breakup, and before they’ve had their morning coffee comes across as kinda mean.
Good morning, yeah by the way we’re getting a divorce.. is all you’re really saying FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! The let’s be friends part is just sugar on a turd sandwich. Maybe that’s not you’re intent, but that’s how I see it.
You’ve already said divorce, no need to say it again to rub his nose in it, even with the sweet “let’s be friends addendum” it’s just not necessary.
My 2 cents.
Beachn
One of the the things I’ve learned in my dealings with my AW is to not push her buttons, rub her face in it, seek revenge ETC. It took a while for me to get that because I was hurting pretty bad, but it helps everyone.
The guy doesn’t want a divorce, knows he’s getting one anyway, and knows his life is falling apart around him due to his addiction. Imagine the anxiety. I realize his choices brought it on himself, but still.
To me telling an alcoholic spouse, or any spouse, you’re divorcing that you hope that you can still be friends when they haven’t even really accepted the breakup, and before they’ve had their morning coffee comes across as kinda mean.
Good morning, yeah by the way we’re getting a divorce.. is all you’re really saying FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! The let’s be friends part is just sugar on a turd sandwich. Maybe that’s not you’re intent, but that’s how I see it.
You’ve already said divorce, no need to say it again to rub his nose in it, even with the sweet “let’s be friends addendum” it’s just not necessary.
My 2 cents.
Beachn
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with B!
It usto drive me CRAZY when people would say, "Recovery looks like...recovery." What the heck was that supposto mean?
Once I realized that the drinking was simply a very small part of a entire attitude and personality, I got it. My XAH has NEVER demonstrated the type of attitude of recovery that shines through when it's really happening. Never. That is why he is my X!!!! He could abstain and would still not be recovered.
It usto drive me CRAZY when people would say, "Recovery looks like...recovery." What the heck was that supposto mean?
Once I realized that the drinking was simply a very small part of a entire attitude and personality, I got it. My XAH has NEVER demonstrated the type of attitude of recovery that shines through when it's really happening. Never. That is why he is my X!!!! He could abstain and would still not be recovered.
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
This doesn’t seem like recovery, true recovery to me. But what do I know?
BOTH of you are going to require time and action to recover.
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Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
what ya type of him reads like early recovery- pretty much like you comin here focused on him doesnt read like true recovery but early recovery.
BOTH of you are going to require time and action to recover.
BOTH of you are going to require time and action to recover.
Be it noted here that I still struggle to not run around being the hero to everyone else . . .ugh . . .not saying you do this Dazed; I'm just trying to commiserate.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Hi ya dazed,
One of the the things I’ve learned in my dealings with my AW is to not push her buttons, rub her face in it, seek revenge ETC. It took a while for me to get that because I was hurting pretty bad, but it helps everyone.
The guy doesn’t want a divorce, knows he’s getting one anyway, and knows his life is falling apart around him due to his addiction. Imagine the anxiety. I realize his choices brought it on himself, but still.
To me telling an alcoholic spouse, or any spouse, you’re divorcing that you hope that you can still be friends when they haven’t even really accepted the breakup, and before they’ve had their morning coffee comes across as kinda mean.
Good morning, yeah by the way we’re getting a divorce.. is all you’re really saying FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! The let’s be friends part is just sugar on a turd sandwich. Maybe that’s not you’re intent, but that’s how I see it.
You’ve already said divorce, no need to say it again to rub his nose in it, even with the sweet “let’s be friends addendum” it’s just not necessary.
My 2 cents.
Beachn
One of the the things I’ve learned in my dealings with my AW is to not push her buttons, rub her face in it, seek revenge ETC. It took a while for me to get that because I was hurting pretty bad, but it helps everyone.
The guy doesn’t want a divorce, knows he’s getting one anyway, and knows his life is falling apart around him due to his addiction. Imagine the anxiety. I realize his choices brought it on himself, but still.
To me telling an alcoholic spouse, or any spouse, you’re divorcing that you hope that you can still be friends when they haven’t even really accepted the breakup, and before they’ve had their morning coffee comes across as kinda mean.
Good morning, yeah by the way we’re getting a divorce.. is all you’re really saying FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! The let’s be friends part is just sugar on a turd sandwich. Maybe that’s not you’re intent, but that’s how I see it.
You’ve already said divorce, no need to say it again to rub his nose in it, even with the sweet “let’s be friends addendum” it’s just not necessary.
My 2 cents.
Beachn
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
This ^^^. You both need time and work. You are both right where you can expect to be at this point . . . . big points to you Dazed for getting to a movie and everything else you do to focus on yourself and let him work (or not) his side of the street.
Be it noted here that I still struggle to not run around being the hero to everyone else . . .ugh . . .not saying you do this Dazed; I'm just trying to commiserate.
Be it noted here that I still struggle to not run around being the hero to everyone else . . .ugh . . .not saying you do this Dazed; I'm just trying to commiserate.
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
Letting go should be the easiest thing in the world, but it’s not.
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I agree that it is impossible to "know" for certain in very early sobriety if someone is truly in recovery, but I do think there are red flags for not being in recovery which it only makes sense for family to pay attention to to protect themselves.
For example, DC's spouse has been blaming everyone but himself, trying to obviously manipulate her with guilt and fear, and is taking only minimal actions to build a recovery toolbox.
That doesn't look like recovery to me whatever the time frame.
Certainly not with the stakes so high--
For example, DC's spouse has been blaming everyone but himself, trying to obviously manipulate her with guilt and fear, and is taking only minimal actions to build a recovery toolbox.
That doesn't look like recovery to me whatever the time frame.
Certainly not with the stakes so high--
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I agree that it is impossible to "know" for certain in very early sobriety if someone is truly in recovery, but I do think there are red flags for not being in recovery which it only makes sense for family to pay attention to to protect themselves.
For example, DC's spouse has been blaming everyone but himself, trying to obviously manipulate her with guilt and fear, and is taking only minimal actions to build a recovery toolbox.
That doesn't look like recovery to me whatever the time frame.
Certainly not with the stakes so high--
For example, DC's spouse has been blaming everyone but himself, trying to obviously manipulate her with guilt and fear, and is taking only minimal actions to build a recovery toolbox.
That doesn't look like recovery to me whatever the time frame.
Certainly not with the stakes so high--
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
There was a guy who used to post on here and he was a very blunt fellow. He was a former army engineer and he had a really bad situation with his alcoholic wife and was trying to keep the family together and protect his kids.
It was when I first came to SR and one of the first posts I read was him suggesting to a person whose alcoholic spouse kept verbally abusing them.
He said that monkeys will sometime throw their poop at people who go see them in open cages. He suggested that this person step back out of "poop range" or they would get covered in sh-t. I never forgot that as I was getting regularly poop-covered by my alcoholic mother at that time.
In the end I did step back and found life much easier. Like you, my instincts told me I was getting to the end of my rope and approaching despair.
Like you, I felt wounded and a shell of my former self from all of it.
I still had to navigate in her perimeter somewhat as she could no longer manage anything for herself anymore--but I kept it minimal, detached emotionally, and outsourced all the care and direct contact things I could.
But once she was out of my life--she died from her addictions to smoking an drinking in the end--I slowly began to heal--to feel my well-of-self start gradually to fill. Of course, by then my own alcohol addiction was growing as I had a kind of PTSD from her abuse and constant hospitalizations, tantrums, crisis, and neediness, so perhaps I was bailing just about as fast as I was filling.
But anyway, the longer I was free of her constant demands for attention and indulgence, the more I saw the truth of her manipulation and abuse and it really hurt but also freed me to realize I had nothing to feel guilty about.
Adults can make their own decisions--even the decision to destroy themselves with drink if they choose.
But we don't have to go down with them or even witness it--and when you love another person that much it is soul-shattering to watch. We can step back with honor and love ourselves enough to find safety and get out of poop-zone. Trust your instincts and do just that.
PS -I think you are right about him sneaking drinks from what you've shared.
Your instincts can be trusted more than what an alcoholic says.
It was when I first came to SR and one of the first posts I read was him suggesting to a person whose alcoholic spouse kept verbally abusing them.
He said that monkeys will sometime throw their poop at people who go see them in open cages. He suggested that this person step back out of "poop range" or they would get covered in sh-t. I never forgot that as I was getting regularly poop-covered by my alcoholic mother at that time.
In the end I did step back and found life much easier. Like you, my instincts told me I was getting to the end of my rope and approaching despair.
Like you, I felt wounded and a shell of my former self from all of it.
I still had to navigate in her perimeter somewhat as she could no longer manage anything for herself anymore--but I kept it minimal, detached emotionally, and outsourced all the care and direct contact things I could.
But once she was out of my life--she died from her addictions to smoking an drinking in the end--I slowly began to heal--to feel my well-of-self start gradually to fill. Of course, by then my own alcohol addiction was growing as I had a kind of PTSD from her abuse and constant hospitalizations, tantrums, crisis, and neediness, so perhaps I was bailing just about as fast as I was filling.
But anyway, the longer I was free of her constant demands for attention and indulgence, the more I saw the truth of her manipulation and abuse and it really hurt but also freed me to realize I had nothing to feel guilty about.
Adults can make their own decisions--even the decision to destroy themselves with drink if they choose.
But we don't have to go down with them or even witness it--and when you love another person that much it is soul-shattering to watch. We can step back with honor and love ourselves enough to find safety and get out of poop-zone. Trust your instincts and do just that.
PS -I think you are right about him sneaking drinks from what you've shared.
Your instincts can be trusted more than what an alcoholic says.
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