nitabug0107

As for me, I spent the morning looking up Al-Anon groups in my area. I found 10 different meetings within 5 minutes of both my office and my home!

I have spent the afternoon focusing on my March Madness Bracket for our office pool and gotten about 3 hours of actual work done (Hey, it's a Monday).

I made plans with some out of town friends and will host them this weekend for Tampa's River o' Green Festival. I'm excited to see them and go over wedding plans as she is one of my closest friends and will be getting married in the fall. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet....

I have gotten a few texts from his dad today just giving me a friendly hello and a quick update. I know some people have said that maybe this type of interaction isn't healthy, but it eases the worry I feel and I'm actually able to focus more on myself. Being "left in the dark" brings me so much anxiety that I tend to focus more on him than the things I ought to be doing.....I think someone on this forum even mentioned that while I was reading a book or eating a steak I was still worrying.....they were right! And it was because I felt like the world was caving in with zero hope.

The little updates from his dad give me a glimmer of hope, even if I know there is still a long road ahead. It does help me to feel like even though I [can't] help/fix/solve/do anything, I [can] be the caring and sympathetic and loving person that I am and find balance. At the end of the day, that's what it is about, right? Feeling balanced and nurtured in my own right, but satisfied that he has not [yet] been taken from this world and given the opportunity to heal?

nitabug0107

I just realized how dysfunctional I am at replying back to everyone's posts. I'm a web designer and for some silly reason, I can't figure out how to reply to individual questions and comments correctly. I'm sorry if it is frustrating for all of you.

nitabug0107

I completely understand the apples to oranges thing. And can agree with you. He and ARE NOT married, nor were we planning on being married (even if he did drunkenly propose).

One thing I don't think I've made very clear is that while he and I have only been half-ass dating for 3 months, I have known him for near 20 years. As kids in elementary school, we all played on the same T-ball team. I graduated from high school with his older sister and knew her very well back then. I moved out of our small town and lost contact with her for the last 8 years. Then over Thanksgiving this last year, I was at the local hang out when I ran into him. He's 4 years younger than I am, so I always thought of him as "one of my brothers little friends." But life has taken it's turns and even my brother had lost track of the family. Trying to build a romantic relationship over a short amount of time and not realizing the challenges of his disease has been all-of-a-sudden. But having a small connection to him and his family has been lengthier.

The biggest take away for me is knowing that it is okay to be the person that I am and care about him as long as I also understand the importance of protecting myself.

In a short amount of time I have gotten very close to his family. So it does help to hear how others handle relationships forged by these sorts of things.

aliciagr

^ bingo^

Your doing great as far as Im concerned.

nitabug0107

Thank you. Now that the terror of not knowing what's happened to him is over, I actually feel great.

LLLisa

You know, I think you are right. It resonates with me.

By the time I realized my XAH was going to ruin my life, by hook or by crook, no matter what I did to try to help him...I was OVER IT and well and truly DONE.

You, on the other hand are at the very beginning. You feel something for him. You have a pleasant history together. I can imagine this relationship might feel to you as if "it was meant to be." You must feel so conflicted. Do you? You appear very intelligent. What does your gut tell you?

If I knew then what I know now, I would've RUN AWAY. It only took me 22 years to figure that out.

Just my ESH.

FireSprite

With all due respect, I still maintain that none of this represents the type of time & emotional investment that most of us F&F members ~ hell, most normal people ~ would consider reasonable to want to further invest in the vertical climb that real recovery requires. Years do not automatically equate to intimacy.

Let's remember folks - this man was having seizures, he's in & out of emergency medical care. His organs were crashing. We're not talking about a couple of softly waving red flags in the distance. Those flags are puking up all over her, literally & figuratively.

I still maintain that if you feel this level of OBLIGATION based on what I would call a casual acquaintance until a couple of months ago, then wanting to dive deeper into this type of relationship at this stage especially is something *I* would stop & examine more deeply before proceeding & signing on for more. Not JUST about addiction, I'd focus on understanding codependency as my starting point, because that's the part you CAN control & where you CAN create life-altering, long-lasting changes that benefit every relationship in your life.

None of that means I don't have compassion for where he is right now, facing the consequences of his life choices made over MANY YEARS to get to this point. This was not an accident that befell him without warning, after all. And I'm certain that right now he'd describe his situation as a special brand of hell & I'm sure everything hurts - physically, spiritually & emotionally. I've been there, I know that blackness - I truly have compassion for those feeling stuck in the quicksand of all that. But I cannot fix it - not even a little bit, especially not standing that close to the fire. Know how I know that? By figuring out how to get out of the fire myself. Putting on my own oxygen mask.

I'm also not an AlAnon member, and I think this forum has a pretty healthy dose of posters like me that take from parts of many programs & theories to forge our own path of recovery. There is no One, Right Path for all of us. That's why "taking what you want & leaving the rest" is so heavily advised even by NON- Alanon peeps.

It's not about walking the Right Path, it's about making your path Right For You. You doesn't include your qualifier - it's only YOU if you're really focused on making YOUR path right FOR YOU.

Just my humble opinion at almost 7 yrs into recovery.

Learning14

agreed 100%

aliciagr

[QUOTE=nitabug0107;6819996]

His dad is really calm and has decided it is all in God's hands. He has stated that he is willing to help with the finances of treatment if his son chooses to do so. His dad and step mom are very religious and they have "given it up to God" so to speak. But they also want to be supportive of positive changes and give no excuse as to why treatment isn't possible....they won't allow their son to use affordability as an excuse and have offered to help only if he truly wants to be sober.


At least his dad is willing to help with treatment costs. From my perspective its really hard to tell if one "truly wants it" though.
I was told it can take multiple attempts at treatment before changes begin to stick. But its like each attempt can slow progression and pave the way for later success. It can be frustrating, disappointing for us on the family side, and it can be costly too.

EXACTLY! I know myself to be the type to harbor guilt for things that I didn't even do. I struggle with being told "YOU CAN'T" because I have always had an I CAN. WATCH ME! attitude. My therapist may not have a lot of experience in this stuff, but looking out for my better interests, I'd likely feel a lot of regret and even more heartbreak if I just run. I have always stood up against the word "can't" and 9/10, I've proven the critics all wrong. And I never count the 1/10 as a fail....it's an opportunity to get back up and try again. Trying again usually works. I'm headstrong, committed and overly determined. Others have viewed my perfectionism as a flaw, but for me it's less about being perfect and more about having a fighting spirit. I hear the words "can't" and "no" and I cringe, then I form my "sit there and watch me do it" plan.

Perhaps dealing with alcoholism and having feelings for someone who is an active alcoholic is different. I've been told over and over again on this forum that sometimes you just have to accept "can't." I hate that. It tastes bitter. But then I guess that's where phrases like "Thems the breaks, kiddo." and "Life's not fair." and "Crap in one hand and wish in the other...." come to play.


I think that's a good way to approach life. Confidence, and effort to work for things, face challenges - and couple that with an understanding sometimes things just don't work out, stuff happens.

I think I have that same kind of attitude basically, but I will honestly say dealing with my husbands addiction has been the most difficult personal challenge I have faced. (I do admit that my life had always gone relatively smoothly; but I faced personal challenges through college, and work. I had to look within many times and draw strength in order to thrive in those environments).

And I know it is apples and oranges to some extent when your talking married vs dating/friendship. But as you have already seen, when someone is in active addiction there can be extreme chaos circling, unexpected events happened with my husband, his thinking was illogical at times, the symptoms of addiction ranged from being an annoyance to making me furious. The lying, disappearing, spending money, denying the problem, defensiveness, changing his mind all the time! and such. As we shared a home, there was no refuge, and although minor compared to other things, he became a huge slob too. All these things really tested me. My belief is that at a certain point his use of drugs and alcohol changed from a choice, to an addiction and he lost control. I felt it was a medical issue and in some ways that made it easier to cope and I could deal with it like I would any person who was sick. But at the same time I had to take care of myself and protect myself. In our case, I think it was the mix of drugs and alcohol which made my husband behave in ways which were frightening and very much against who he was as a person. I had to move out once because I was afraid of him. And for a while we lived on separate floors of the house. I made those moves because it was me who needed space and safety.

Its really good to hear you are involved in many activities, and have a good group of friends, along with work. What really contributed to my detriment was that my husbands problems started up AFTER we moved. To make a long story short, we left a settled and happy place to move near his parents. The dysfunctional pair that I did not know very well since they lived in a state far away. So I was alone, had no friends, wasn't working yet, and then he got sick. It was the worst time of my life. I had to pull on my inner core of strength, logic, all the things my parents had tried so hard to teach me was being tested. And I was too confused, and ashamed to call them and let them know what was going on. A while after that is when I started therapy and slowly navigated my way through in what I think was a healthy way. I learned an awful lot about myself which I think will serve me well going forward in all I do.

So YES! to all you wrote about knowing yourself, keeping up your friendships, activities, your life, more therapy if you feel the need. All of those things I think will help you stay healthy.

So how do you think your Can Do' attitude will help you navigate through this journey?

I think maybe its about living the life you want to lead? Staying true to your values and who you are? Making tough decisions to keep you on that path and feeling at peace on the inside?

OMG! Preach! His parents are divorced, so there is a constant struggle between them. His mother sounds exactly like your mother-in-law. She has done hours of research for a new RV/Camper and seems bothered when I present her with new information on treatment facilities I think her son might actually find enjoyable (He's a huge baseball fan and I found one that offers sports, including baseball, as part of the therapy). She's a southern "Bless your heart" type if you know what I mean. I feel like the only reason she bothers to make herself present in this situation at all is to "one-up" his dad. More than once this week she has thrown her new husband's money in everyone's face and mentioned their early retirement. "His step father and I did not retire early to have to spend our money on hopeless things like that boy pretending he wants to get better." <--- Is this a type of coping mechanism for some people? I realize she has been up and down helping her son with this from the beginning, but I'm not sure if many mother's would put their vacationing in front of their children's lives. Maybe I'm wrong. This could very well be a healthy way of dealing with things....kinda saving herself I guess.


I don't know. Maybe it has to do with her beliefs on addiction? People view it, and recovery from it - in very different ways. I hope they get some input from the hospital docs on treatment/centers if he is willing to go.

My inlaws are in the process of a divorce right now. They have been married almost 40 years. My husband is no contact with his mom because he just cant deal with her emotionally at this point. She disapproves of his methods of recovery because she wanted to run the show and define how it was done. She cant give him credit or support his achievements, and she somehow turns everything back to her, and will break down into drama and tears. She hasn't even met her grandson yet. My husbands mood and inner self speak - crash after their interactions. He and his dad are deepening their relationship however. So his dad told him that the crisis of his being sick, and what happened between the two parents - disagreeing on how to handle things, arguments, and what his dad calls "stubbornness" from MIL that has gone on for years, is what prompted him to say he wasn't going to live the rest of his life dealing with all her issues. He seems really happy and optimistic now. But my husband says like a little kid, are they getting divorced because of me? Its my fault? And like a little kid, I have to tell him - no, its not your fault. Mommy and daddy have their own irreconcilable differences. The 3 c's - you didn't cause it, cant control it. and cant cure them .

My mom said to me a while back, I told you not to marry someone until you got to know their parents. Apples don't fall far from the tree. OMG. I don't remember that being part of her marital advice, but I actually think its a good tip.

I made plans with some out of town friends and will host them this weekend for Tampa's River o' Green Festival. I'm excited to see them and go over wedding plans as she is one of my closest friends and will be getting married in the fall. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet....


That sounds like FUN. And I bet its warm there are sunny !


I have gotten a few texts from his dad today just giving me a friendly hello and a quick update. I know some people have said that maybe this type of interaction isn't healthy, but it eases the worry I feel and I'm actually able to focus more on myself. Being "left in the dark" brings me so much anxiety that I tend to focus more on him than the things I ought to be doing.....I think someone on this forum even mentioned that while I was reading a book or eating a steak I was still worrying.....they were right! And it was because I felt like the world was caving in with zero hope.

The little updates from his dad give me a glimmer of hope, even if I know there is still a long road ahead. It does help me to feel like even though I [can't] help/fix/solve/do anything, I [can] be the caring and sympathetic and loving person that I am and find balance. At the end of the day, that's what it is about, right? Feeling balanced and nurtured in my own right, but satisfied that he has not [yet] been taken from this world and given the opportunity to heal?


I think it pays to keep worry in perspective. Is worrying about someone who has an addiction different than worry about someone who has another medical issue and is really sick? Along with this forum Ive spent time on some other ones that deal more with relationships/marriage/family issues. There are a lot of family members who face major challenges because of their partner being ill maybe with cancer, or other mental health issues. Its a Global Issue! ha.

trailmix

nitabug,

You say:

If that is the kind of thing powering your "can do" attitude, is that good for YOU?

Might be great for everyone else you help out, but for you? Also, does that give weight to how much the other person needs or wants your help?

Just food for thought.

There is a book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, might be worth picking up from Amazon or even your local library. Not saying you are or aren't co-dependant, just that it's helpful to get a different perspective sometimes.

trailmix

Just something else I have picked up from your replies.

I think maybe you might have the impression that people who are urging caution are somehow less compassionate and caring than others who might encourage carrying on "helping".

That actually couldn't be further from the truth.

I have been reading these boards for over a year now and this group are some of the most patient and kind people! Compassionate too.

To read their earlier threads, just click on their name over their picture and click on "Find all threads started by" to see where they are coming from.

There is a wealth of wisdom here.

Hopeworks

Is his DUI case over? If you co-signed on the bond you have a financial responsibility for his appearances.

You also can have him recommitted to the jail (for a fee) and get off the bond.

The bail bond can be used as an intervention tool ... require case management and compliance even residential treatment. You also can have the parents take over as indemnitors (co-signers)

Unless he wants sobriety and authentic recovery more than his next breath it will not change a thing... forcing them just makes them thirsty.

Hope this helps. Run ... run very fast.

Just buried my A brother and my mom who grieved herself to death. They were my fam and those you can’t pick but I picked plenty who increased my qualifier count!!! Fortunately I got into counseling, Alanon and this forum.

I’m a survivor after decades of suffering...

Run. Very fast. Red flags are not party favors. Do not collect them.

Learning14

My new signature line!!

nitabug0107

His DUI case is not over and I am the only signer on the bond. I had never done anything like that so I didn't know what to do except listen to what the bondsman told me and the little bit of information I gathered from Google.

I understand that if he doesn't show for his court stuff that I can be held responsible for the money. That's something I have to discuss with his parents. I get letters in the mail about his court dates and things because my address was used the night he was arrested.

I'm interesting in learning more about using the bond as an intervention tool. His mom (as much as I can't stand her sometimes) actually contacted me asking about the Marchman Act. Seems this time he was found by the police in the hotel room, they Marchman Acted him and took him to the hospital he is in now. She wanted to know what that meant and if she could utilize it to get a judge to sign something that would require him to go to treatment.

I told her that I didn't know and that she should probably contact his lawyer or speak to a case worker at the hospital about it. But if you have information on how I can sign the parents over as cosigners and then maybe they can use it to intervene, I'm willing to pass the information over to them.

atalose

I think using the bond issue as an intervention tool for yourself is a great idea! Learning that losing hard earned money that you usually do not have in order to help someone who doesn’t really want to be helped is a hard and expensive lesson to learn.

nitabug0107

I know damn good and well that I'm not always doing what is good for me. It doesn't always have to be me doing something for someone else. Sometimes it's pushing myself too hard for too long for things that require work and dedication....but only when you know your limits. I never set a limit for myself. It's my own brand of mental health issue/emotional health issues.

I'm over booked most weeks and yet, I get it all done. The sacrifice is sleep, emotional investment, and eventually my sanity and physical health. I know all these things and yet, I won't change it. I don't know why.

Over confidence, perfectionism, fear of disappointing myself, and telling myself that there is no time/money for a break are my primary issues. No one else in my life is the way that I am. My parents didn't make me this way. I didn't grow up poor. I can't isolate why I am the way I am. I guess I'm addicted to my own success???

Here are some red flags I have already collected:

When I was younger, I hid a report card from my mom for almost 3 days because I got a "B" in math. My mom never required more than passing grades, especially since my brother was proudly presenting her with "C's." I was never punished for bad grades, there was no threat of punishment for failing. But I punish myself for being less than "perfect."

In high school, I was involved with 16 different clubs/sports. I was the president of 3 of them. I was band captain, homecoming/prom committee chair, yearbook editor, newspaper editor, student council president. My school days started at 7 am and I didn't leave campus until about 9 pm every day. I managed to still give 2-5 hours of volunteer time to my Girl Scout troop, at least 1 hour reading to elementary school students, and 2 hours volunteering with Special Olympics (I taught golf). I kept straight A's and was never so much as sent to tardy hall. I had a boyfriend on the football team and a job as a sports columnist for the local paper. Add up those hours and I bet it comes out around 80+ hours of go-time.

In college, I went to every class, every day because of the self satisfaction I get from having perfect attendance. There are no ribbons for it and no one else gives a damn, but I needed it for me. I made so many close friends that I'm still close to today (These are the people I bend over backwards to help all the time). I was in a sorority, an academic fraternity, wrote for the campus paper, and was published by the school's literary journal more than once. I was also a Resident Assistant for 4 years....which meant organizing and hosting dorm activities and campus events. I volunteered with an equestrian group helping care for retired race horses (only because one of my residents created the club and needed just one more member for the school to help fund it). I was given my first academic grade of "C" in college algebra and I had to accept it as fact....I'm not good at math, deal with it and be glad I chose a degree field that didn't require math classes after that. I had an internship with a notable Public Relations firm here in Tampa. I maintain my relationships with professors and the people I worked with during that internship to this day because "I might need them one day." (But I never ask for help from anyone).

I don't call in sick to work even when I need it....it's not because I don't have the time off or can't afford to leave work for the day, it's because I honestly feel like if I don't go to work, I don't deserve to have fun or do things with friends later. I would rather take over the counter meds and nap in my car during breaks while I'm sick.... otherwise, I don't "earn the right" to attend things like trivia nights or outdoor concerts and festivals later in the week. Posting on this forum during the work day is the most "trouble" I've ever caused. I don't play around and I'm very successful in my position. I'm the head of my department. I have a great relationship with my boss and the owner of the company. My coworkers like me. I wear 100 hats here and I don't slip up on any of my tasks. I work between 8 and 10 hours a week....because I don't have a key to the building and literally get kicked out of the office. I've taken my laptop home and done work during hurricanes, power outages, South Tampa flooding. I've been published in 2 magazines, every local paper in the Tampa Bay area, and several online blogs. My Twitter account is followed by some of the biggest sports writers an announcers in the country. I maintain a portfolio of work for some of the greatest sports teams in the world. My quote of the day every day is, "Can't stop. Won't stop."

I'm cocky. At this point, it sounds like I'm bragging about myself. Because I am. For some stupid reason, I'm proud of the red flag issues that I've created for myself. It hurts to be this dedicated. It hurts to be everyone's go to person when they need help, but not have the strength to ask for help when I need it. Writing to this forum is the first form of release I have found in YEARS. I only recently started seeing a therapist is because of a 8 year relationship that went up in flames last year. Oh yeah, and the alcoholic "boyfriend" I've been fussing over for 3 months thought it might help me with some of my control issues. Like he's got room to talk.

I would never claim to be depressed or suffer from anxiety, but I know that those issues are there. I keep them latent because I don't have time to break. I've set myself up for crash and burn....and any time I feel myself crashing, instead of just letting things run their course, I add on another distracting task/job/activity. Work was starting to get too "easy" and I felt like I was becoming complacent in my day to day....so I opted to go for a Master's Degree. Oh, but I don't just have a few online classes, that wouldn't be enough for stupid, over booked, me. So I made arrangements with my boss to still get paid for my work day while I sit in class once a week. I have an independent study course with a professor who enjoys meeting with students after normal business hours at Starbucks. I'm on track to finish a 2-year program in about 8 months if I keep this pace. I started the program in February.

I had an 8 year relationship with an equally successful man. He is a investment manager for really rich people like athletes and oil tycoons. We use to attend parties on private yachts and dinners at some of the nicest restaurants in Tampa. We were happy until we weren't. He found time to cheat on me during his business travels. And I don't blame him. At 30 years old, we should have wanted to settle down, get married, and put up that white picket fence. But we were both over worked, over scheduled and started to lack emotional investment in each other..... he lost it before I did. Lost it so much that he had the nerve to sue me for our apartment and petition for the State to recognize our 8 years together as common law enough that he could obtain a legal separation from me and attempt to take me for everything we had.

I spent 6 months fighting him in the court room and I won. I'm not sure if he's still with the bimbo he left me for and I don't care.... I say that knowing that I still love him and would have him back if he asked. I'd have to go downtown and lift the restraining order first.

A month after winning my court case, I reconnect with the alcoholic I've been crying over for the last week. I didn't know he had an issue when we first re-met. But, red flag.....we met in a bar the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Maybe it was too soon for me to move on from my past relationship, maybe it was the right time.... I don't know. What I do know is that he's obviously not the right guy to have moved on to. But, in classic Nitabug fashion, I over invest and over involve myself because it makes me feel good to do good. Now I'm being told that none of it is any good and in a short amount of time writing to this forum and reading everyone's posts, I'm learning to accept that. (Red flag! I might be learning, but am I willing to apply it? The story continues....)

A lot of people keep mentioning that I sound defensive in my posts/replies. You bet I am defensive, because anything that makes me feel less than perfect sends me on some type of fit. It's not my self confidence that takes a hit, I'm not insecure (or maybe I am), and I don't mind being educated on thoughts and perspectives different from my own....I'm actually very open to change as long as I control the rate of change. DING DING...control issues.

Maybe the red flags aren't his alcoholism. They aren't his parents, the police, or the countless healthcare professionals I've met in the last few months. The red flags are my own! He's been surviving this long. He seems set in his ways and very happy to down a handle of Jim Beam in one night....and somehow survive it!

If this forum has taught me anything, it's that at the end of the day, we all have skeletons in our closet. We are all fighting something. Alcoholism might be the reason you come here, but it's not the only issue being discussed. This entire experience has brought out the monster in me. MY red flags are flying and I'm not willing to change. I'm no different from him. He chooses the bottle, making his addiction clear and open. I hide my addictions behind dedication plaques, diplomas, sincere commitment to others and real, heartfelt smiles.....but then, I go home and spend the very few hours I have to myself crying alone....wanting to curl up in his arms and let him lie to me some more about how he's going to change.....wanting to lay my head on his shoulder while he makes promises he won't keep.....wanting someone to take my burdens and say "Let me help you." <---- But the cycle continues because I would never ask for their help and if they offered, I'd inevitably refuse it.

I think someone once told me, "Helping others is the key to achieving happiness. The good you feel doing it can make you feel like you can take on the world."

I've been addicted to the way this feels my entire life. But addiction has the power to consume and kill. And, like him, I should already be dead.

nitabug0107

Side note to hide my crazy:

I found this article about grieving for someone who is still alive. It was helpful.

Unconventional Grief: Grieving someone Alive

nitabug0107

Referring to my emotional breakdown not 10 minutes ago....you're absolutely right. I need some kind of intervention for myself!

But it's easy to admit your faults behind the protection of a computer screen and an anonymous name. If anyone ever sat me down to ask what emotional issues I'm struggling with, I'd reply "I'm fine." and then offer to help them with something.

tomsteve

You bet I am defensive, because anything that makes me feel less than perfect sends me on some type of fit

nita, ya brought up a memory in me that has me laughin,so thank you for that:

so, there i was doing tongue and groove wainscotting in my house. being the perfectionist i can be, i was 3/4 of the way done and noticed something on one of the walls i completed the day before- where the tongue and groove meets- i could see a line. just overnight the wood had shrunk and there was a slight line of unfinished wood. i cant have that!!!. there were a couple others,too!
so, there i was tearing it all off when a friend stopped by. asked me what i was doing and explained it. then he says," youre goin crazy over them little lines of unfinished wood showing. let me ask you this: if i were to be doing this waincotting, how would you expect me to do it?"
"well, id expect you to do the best you could."
my friend slammed me against the wall and said,"you have to do it perfectly yet im just supposed to do it as good as i can. what makes you think youre so much better than me?"
HUH!!! he sure helped me with some humility- helped me see how pride and ego were actually destroying me.

on this:
But it's easy to admit your faults behind the protection of a computer screen and an anonymous name. If anyone ever sat me down to ask what emotional issues I'm struggling with, I'd reply "I'm fine." and then offer to help them with something.

this goes with a bit of what i mentioned above- what keeps you from reaching out for help F2F when MANY of us have done just that?
its great that your reaching out here, but doing it F2F would be a great thing. nothing wrong with ot- NONE of us are perfect.
the most spiritual men and women in the world have a support network.
the most successful people in the world dont do it on their own either.
theres strength in numbers.

there are instances,too, of people trying to do it all on their own- theres been more than one company AND nations that have crumbled that way.

biminiblue

I used to pick bad boys too. That way I could be the better one in the relationship.

Problem was - when I couldn't, "fix" them, that was a failure in my view. So I had to try again with a new bad boy.

I think with the insight you've shown in your last few posts, you are on the way to finding solutions. There is a middle ground, and it isn't, "getting it right," every time. When other people are involved, and when addiction is involved, I'll take the white flag Every. Time.

That knowledge came with a very high price. Yin and yang - me doing good and them being my alter-ego.

Until it broke me.

Hugs, nita.