Can I Still Help Him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
nita, I'm astonished at the velocity with which you've processed the events
and the ability you have for clear and focused self-examination.
I do think there is much to be learned from this situation, and that in an odd way
it may be helping you to release the emotion from the previous relationship.
The lessons I've taken from addiction, of which there are many,
as I have been a child of alcoholic, in relationships with several alcoholics,
and finally became one myself, are hard-won but strangely precious to me now.
Compassion for anyone involved in addiction is important.
Compassion for yourself in dealing with addicts--being clear what your limits are,
for example, was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn.
It was worse than drinking in many respects.
What I see from your posts is a wonderful, talented, empathetic person
who has spread herself too thin trying to be perfect and meet others needs and expectations
but who knows this and is in the process of change?
You can love, and love deeply, without direct contact.
If direct contact is too draining on your already strained internal resources,
it's perfectly OK to step back and recharge.
You know this, but I don't sense you've given yourself full permission to act on it yet.
Maybe that's one reason you left after visiting the old man?
This thread has been very helpful to me, and I want to thank you and all the other posters for your insights and wisdom.
and the ability you have for clear and focused self-examination.
I do think there is much to be learned from this situation, and that in an odd way
it may be helping you to release the emotion from the previous relationship.
The lessons I've taken from addiction, of which there are many,
as I have been a child of alcoholic, in relationships with several alcoholics,
and finally became one myself, are hard-won but strangely precious to me now.
Compassion for anyone involved in addiction is important.
Compassion for yourself in dealing with addicts--being clear what your limits are,
for example, was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn.
It was worse than drinking in many respects.
What I see from your posts is a wonderful, talented, empathetic person
who has spread herself too thin trying to be perfect and meet others needs and expectations
but who knows this and is in the process of change?
You can love, and love deeply, without direct contact.
If direct contact is too draining on your already strained internal resources,
it's perfectly OK to step back and recharge.
You know this, but I don't sense you've given yourself full permission to act on it yet.
Maybe that's one reason you left after visiting the old man?
This thread has been very helpful to me, and I want to thank you and all the other posters for your insights and wisdom.
Because I tend to live in a constant state of busy/tired/stressed, I was unaware at how strained I was until the day I threw him out and he went "missing." Those few days without him were filled with worry, but I was selfishly relieved. And I'm learning that it is okay to be a little selfish and step back from the crazy. Where things are going from here I don't really know. He's chosen outpatient care and a 12 step program to try and beat his addiction.
Knowing who he is when he's not drinking makes me feel like there is hope he will return to being that person and it would be worth loving and supporting his recovery. Other times, I go back and read the advice in his forum and think that I'm crazy to even try. Feeling insecure about how far I'm willing to take my commitment to being involved in his journey is why I left the hospital. I think I still have a lot of soul searching to do before I can be more direct with him.
I'm glad my story is helpful to you. And the advice and opinions I have gotten from everyone's replies has really helped me. An update post on where I am now in all this is in the works for those interested.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
A little "Where Are They Now?"
He was discharged from the hospital on March 13th. He has chosen to combine therapy with a 12-step program in order to make an attempt at recovery. This solution was suggested to him by his lawyer for the DUI case. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know the details as to why and how this became the decision. I'm just glad he has chosen some type of path and pray he finds success.
My first direct contact with him was a phone call on the day he was out of the hospital. He called to tell me his plans and we discussed things like boundaries and the limits of my ability to support him through this. We agreed that taking a step back and being involved with each other as friends might be best for both of us. He asked me about my plans for the Saint Patrick's Day holiday. I reminded him of my plans to have friends down. He asked if we'd be interested in attending the River o'Green Festival.
The festival is a family friendly event that takes place on Tampa's Riverwalk. There is alcohol available for purchase, but usually set up in an area separate from the family activities for the day.
We attended the day time portion of the festival and enjoyed the live music. We walked along the Riverwalk and I have to say it was a really nice, alcohol-free day.
He is 16 days sober (counting the hospital stay) today. After the festival he left to give my friends and I space to do our own thing. I thought it was very responsible of him not to follow me, and temptation, to the pub later that evening.
I am not a big drinker and have always been the type that believes you can have fun without alcohol, but I have no issues with occasional indulgence. I have decided that I can support sober living, but refuse to punish myself and others in my life who choose to partake. It is on him to avoid temptation and remove himself from pressuring situations. It's his responsibility to "just say no" and walk away. It is not on me to plan for and accommodate his needs outside of my promise to not drink in front of him. I have also promised not to invite or encourage him to attend events where I know an abundance of alcohol is flowing.
Right now, he is with his family and I hope it is going well. I have asked his parents not to contact me with frivolous details. I'm happy to hear from them on occasion, but I don't need to know what he's doing all day, every day. He and I have agreed to stay in contact and I've told him that I am a safe person to call when he's feeling like he needs to talk to someone, especially if he is fighting a craving to drink. I would much rather get a phone call or text from him that says, "I'm stressed and need to talk it out..." rather than the phone call that says, "He's relapsed and we're going to have to detox...again."
I met with my independent study professor for my MBA program on Friday. I am actually really excited about the homework I was given to do over the next week. My March Madness bracket at the office is a complete bust. I'm making plans to go to the beach next weekend with my friends, but only if I get my homework, housework, and laundry done before Thursday night. I'm also planning a trip to Vermont in October. My best friend from college is getting married and I will spend that whole week vacationing in the mountains up there while celebrating her wedding. I'm not sure if I will ask him to be my plus-one to the wedding, she had the opportunity to meet him at the River Festival over the weekend and she was hinting that I should invite him.
He's a charmer when he's not drunk. That's what makes this so hard. Hard not to fall for him and want all those same magical things that I thought I could have when he and I first met. I know that our agreement to be friends is what is best for the situation, but it's so hard to not want more. But rushing into it while he is taking another stab at recovery would be so stupid.
I'm still sifting through the emotions of everything. I'm tired from the weekend of fun and I'm already telling myself that it would be okay if I just went home after work, watched tv and went to bed....I can clean the guest room and do the dishes later. We'll see how well I actually allow myself to take a break later on.
I'm not sure if it would be helpful for me to attend some type of group or special kind of therapy. Would I go to talk about the events that have already happened? Am I going to try and avoid PTSD? Am I going to gain a better understanding of what happened, what went wrong, and what I need to do? Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be? I understand I'm not obligated to do anything, or I could just continue to see my own therapist. But I don't know. Maybe one or two meetings/sessions/therapies to see if it applies and tap out if it is too much would be okay?
He was discharged from the hospital on March 13th. He has chosen to combine therapy with a 12-step program in order to make an attempt at recovery. This solution was suggested to him by his lawyer for the DUI case. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know the details as to why and how this became the decision. I'm just glad he has chosen some type of path and pray he finds success.
My first direct contact with him was a phone call on the day he was out of the hospital. He called to tell me his plans and we discussed things like boundaries and the limits of my ability to support him through this. We agreed that taking a step back and being involved with each other as friends might be best for both of us. He asked me about my plans for the Saint Patrick's Day holiday. I reminded him of my plans to have friends down. He asked if we'd be interested in attending the River o'Green Festival.
The festival is a family friendly event that takes place on Tampa's Riverwalk. There is alcohol available for purchase, but usually set up in an area separate from the family activities for the day.
We attended the day time portion of the festival and enjoyed the live music. We walked along the Riverwalk and I have to say it was a really nice, alcohol-free day.
He is 16 days sober (counting the hospital stay) today. After the festival he left to give my friends and I space to do our own thing. I thought it was very responsible of him not to follow me, and temptation, to the pub later that evening.
I am not a big drinker and have always been the type that believes you can have fun without alcohol, but I have no issues with occasional indulgence. I have decided that I can support sober living, but refuse to punish myself and others in my life who choose to partake. It is on him to avoid temptation and remove himself from pressuring situations. It's his responsibility to "just say no" and walk away. It is not on me to plan for and accommodate his needs outside of my promise to not drink in front of him. I have also promised not to invite or encourage him to attend events where I know an abundance of alcohol is flowing.
Right now, he is with his family and I hope it is going well. I have asked his parents not to contact me with frivolous details. I'm happy to hear from them on occasion, but I don't need to know what he's doing all day, every day. He and I have agreed to stay in contact and I've told him that I am a safe person to call when he's feeling like he needs to talk to someone, especially if he is fighting a craving to drink. I would much rather get a phone call or text from him that says, "I'm stressed and need to talk it out..." rather than the phone call that says, "He's relapsed and we're going to have to detox...again."
I met with my independent study professor for my MBA program on Friday. I am actually really excited about the homework I was given to do over the next week. My March Madness bracket at the office is a complete bust. I'm making plans to go to the beach next weekend with my friends, but only if I get my homework, housework, and laundry done before Thursday night. I'm also planning a trip to Vermont in October. My best friend from college is getting married and I will spend that whole week vacationing in the mountains up there while celebrating her wedding. I'm not sure if I will ask him to be my plus-one to the wedding, she had the opportunity to meet him at the River Festival over the weekend and she was hinting that I should invite him.
He's a charmer when he's not drunk. That's what makes this so hard. Hard not to fall for him and want all those same magical things that I thought I could have when he and I first met. I know that our agreement to be friends is what is best for the situation, but it's so hard to not want more. But rushing into it while he is taking another stab at recovery would be so stupid.
I'm still sifting through the emotions of everything. I'm tired from the weekend of fun and I'm already telling myself that it would be okay if I just went home after work, watched tv and went to bed....I can clean the guest room and do the dishes later. We'll see how well I actually allow myself to take a break later on.
I'm not sure if it would be helpful for me to attend some type of group or special kind of therapy. Would I go to talk about the events that have already happened? Am I going to try and avoid PTSD? Am I going to gain a better understanding of what happened, what went wrong, and what I need to do? Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be? I understand I'm not obligated to do anything, or I could just continue to see my own therapist. But I don't know. Maybe one or two meetings/sessions/therapies to see if it applies and tap out if it is too much would be okay?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
[I]He and I have agreed to stay in contact and I've told him that I am a safe person to call when he's feeling like he needs to talk to someone, especially if he is fighting a craving to drink. I would much rather get a phone call or text from him that says, "I'm stressed and need to talk it out..." rather than the phone call that says, "He's relapsed and we're going to have to detox...again."
This feels like you have come full circle. I think as much distance as you can put between him and his recovery the better tbh. I don't think anything you say to him if he is craving is going to stop him drinking. We cannot control or cure it. I think it is the job of people helping with his recovery such as AA or a sponsor to help him deal with how he copes with cravings...not you. I think taking him with you on a week long wedding holiday will be a bridge too far too.
I think getting help for yourself is a great idea
Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be?
No, but hopefully it will show you that you cannot be that person to him.
You can only control your own life. Leave him to control his.
This feels like you have come full circle. I think as much distance as you can put between him and his recovery the better tbh. I don't think anything you say to him if he is craving is going to stop him drinking. We cannot control or cure it. I think it is the job of people helping with his recovery such as AA or a sponsor to help him deal with how he copes with cravings...not you. I think taking him with you on a week long wedding holiday will be a bridge too far too.
I think getting help for yourself is a great idea
Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be?
No, but hopefully it will show you that you cannot be that person to him.
You can only control your own life. Leave him to control his.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
All things considered I think your post is filled with good news!
He is taking action and doing something to address the problem - and only time will tell. His attitude seems good.
You sound good. I would take things one step at a time, and maybe give a bit of space to "addiction" for a while. Focus on life, and just know there is much support out there for you if you need it. It looks to me like you have a good concept of boundaries and how to use them so his issues don't invade your space, or cause a chronic negative impact to your life.
Would I go to talk about the events that have already happened? Am I going to try and avoid PTSD? Am I going to gain a better understanding of what happened, what went wrong, and what I need to do? Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be? I understand I'm not obligated to do anything, or I could just continue to see my own therapist. But I don't know. Maybe one or two meetings/sessions/therapies to see if it applies and tap out if it is too much would be okay?
I used therapy when I wanted to learn about addiction, needed to talk about things because I was confused about events. The why part. Why addiction caused certain symptoms, actions. And to examine why I responded the way I did. I did some things wrong according to my own set of principles. I had to examine that. Therapy gave me a place to talk through it. It wont hurt to sample meetings, or see a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine, along with your current therapist. Its all just a matter of what you are feeling. What types of things you want to spend time focusing on. How it will serve you going forward.
He is taking action and doing something to address the problem - and only time will tell. His attitude seems good.
You sound good. I would take things one step at a time, and maybe give a bit of space to "addiction" for a while. Focus on life, and just know there is much support out there for you if you need it. It looks to me like you have a good concept of boundaries and how to use them so his issues don't invade your space, or cause a chronic negative impact to your life.
Would I go to talk about the events that have already happened? Am I going to try and avoid PTSD? Am I going to gain a better understanding of what happened, what went wrong, and what I need to do? Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be? I understand I'm not obligated to do anything, or I could just continue to see my own therapist. But I don't know. Maybe one or two meetings/sessions/therapies to see if it applies and tap out if it is too much would be okay?
I used therapy when I wanted to learn about addiction, needed to talk about things because I was confused about events. The why part. Why addiction caused certain symptoms, actions. And to examine why I responded the way I did. I did some things wrong according to my own set of principles. I had to examine that. Therapy gave me a place to talk through it. It wont hurt to sample meetings, or see a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine, along with your current therapist. Its all just a matter of what you are feeling. What types of things you want to spend time focusing on. How it will serve you going forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I think as much distance as you can put between him and his recovery the better tbh. I don't think anything you say to him if he is craving is going to stop him drinking. We cannot control or cure it. I think it is the job of people helping with his recovery such as AA or a sponsor to help him deal with how he copes with cravings...not you. I think taking him with you on a week long wedding holiday will be a bridge too far too.
I think getting help for yourself is a great idea
Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be?
No, but hopefully it will show you that you cannot be that person to him.
You can only control your own life. Leave him to control his.
I think getting help for yourself is a great idea
Is it something that would help me be the friend and support I want to be?
No, but hopefully it will show you that you cannot be that person to him.
You can only control your own life. Leave him to control his.
I could be wrong. Which is why I have decided to get help. Now that the drama has past and I'm a little better educated on the disease, I've taken steps to separate myself from the harmful relationship I was spiraling into. I feel like I am level headed enough that with further counsel and education, I can still be a friend to him and a reminder that sobriety is worth it. I know that staying in control of my own life is key. And after some self evaluation, I realize that I too have some things to work on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
oh my God in Heaven Babe.. I need a box of tissues and to hug you so much...
my Eddie Lee was like that in 1992.. we had 3 years of bliss after he gave it all up drugs and drink .. and then he kept getting sick and sicker and sicker.. and once every 3 months he was in ER and in hospital for days.. we have been married for 26 years.. standing joke on floor 10 at our hospital is The Richters have come for vacation.. crossing my fingers now that I said that for its been 2 years since the last holiday.. I get a cot and things to live with as I run from work to house to work to hospital.. I take my camera with me it does video's and they are so important for the weeks after at home..
No sweetheart it does not get better and by the sounds of your young man. Florida will take his life and toss it to the Ocean one day soon.. Its hard so very hard.... how strong are you in Faith Family and hold on tight to this group of silly grand people for they will not let you go..... you are going to need this safe place in life for at least the next 5 years...
be prepared put things in order for your own well being.. and for what may happen with him in a scary factor. you have too.. I have
and it sounds like you and I are made a bit from the same cloth..
Dear Heart hugs hugs hugs a ton of prayers and hope for a better tomorrow. ardy
my Eddie Lee was like that in 1992.. we had 3 years of bliss after he gave it all up drugs and drink .. and then he kept getting sick and sicker and sicker.. and once every 3 months he was in ER and in hospital for days.. we have been married for 26 years.. standing joke on floor 10 at our hospital is The Richters have come for vacation.. crossing my fingers now that I said that for its been 2 years since the last holiday.. I get a cot and things to live with as I run from work to house to work to hospital.. I take my camera with me it does video's and they are so important for the weeks after at home..
No sweetheart it does not get better and by the sounds of your young man. Florida will take his life and toss it to the Ocean one day soon.. Its hard so very hard.... how strong are you in Faith Family and hold on tight to this group of silly grand people for they will not let you go..... you are going to need this safe place in life for at least the next 5 years...
be prepared put things in order for your own well being.. and for what may happen with him in a scary factor. you have too.. I have
and it sounds like you and I are made a bit from the same cloth..
Dear Heart hugs hugs hugs a ton of prayers and hope for a better tomorrow. ardy
Originally Posted by nitabug0107
I read through a few forums and decided to give it a try. This is my first post and first time dealing with alcoholism on a relationship level.
A few months ago, an old high school friend contacted me. We reconnected and things were absolutely amazing. He is the sweetest guy and when we are together, it feels like he really cares.
It wasn't long before I found out he is an alcoholic. A week into our relationship, I encouraged him to quit drinking.... "It's me or the bottle!" On January 1st, He quit cold turkey and the detox symptoms were unbearable. He vomited for days and days. He shook and cried in pain. Finally, I couldn't handle seeing him that way, I spent my 31st birthday (January 7th) and our 3rd date in the ICU holding his hand and begging nurses to make him better. Everyone told me that I was a strong source of support and he was going to need me during this recovery journey. I believed that he was going to change.
About a week later, I invited him to spend time with me at my home. He had been out of the hospital and seemed to be doing well now that he was past the detox process. I am new to what it means to be with someone in recovery, so I didn't know what to expect. The deal was he could come stay with me while he looked for a new job and a new apartment (his alcoholism had already taken these things away from him).
During his stay with me, he had what the doctors called an Absent Seizure. During the seizure, he bit his tongue and it swelled into a hematoma. I got home from work to find him passed out in the living room, not breathing. His throat was closing and there was little time to help him once we arrived to the ER. My boyfriend's alcoholism is so bad that he does not respond to anesthesia or other sedatives. He wouldn't go to sleep. The doctors advised me that we would surly lose him if I didn't act quickly. I signed Emergency Power of Attorney papers and gave doctors permission to insert a respirator while he was still awake. I watched the horrible experience, but was assured that it was the right thing. He was alive....for now. A few hours later, my boyfriends organs began to crash, his spleen, his liver, his kidneys.... I was instructed to contact a next of kin. His alcoholism was actually killing him.
I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time in a small room just away from the trauma center. There was no time to worry about first appearances or think about my outfit. There I was, 2am, tired, dirty with his blood, drool and vomit down my clothes, and scared. Not the ideal first meeting. Plus, I'd only been dating their son since just before Christmas and the first thing I said to them was "Hi, I'm sorry to meet you this way, but your son is on a respirator and his organs are failing."
They thanked me over and over. They called me an angel and credit me to saving their son's life. They know he has a problem with drinking, but could never get through to him. We all agreed this hospital stay has to be what finally makes him want to change.
He pulled through and survived the ordeal. Made promises to change. He had a follow up appointment at the hospital two days after he was discharged. I told him it was fine if he wanted to stay with me to avoid driving a long distance to go to the doctor. WRONG DECISION ALERT!
He got home from his appointment and was already hammered drunk. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. I called my mother and cried and cried. She told me to kick him out. I told her he was too drunk to drive. While I was on the phone, he had overheard that I was going to kick him out and he decided to leave on his own. Long story short, I got a phone call at 3am from the police station, he was arrested on a DUI just 2 blocks from my apartment. I went through the process of getting him bailed out. His parents transferred me the money and once he was sober enough to drive, I sent him on his way.
The next day, I returned home from work to find his truck in my apartment parking lot. I thought, "Well, maybe he's here to apologize and get his things. I can be civil and at least talk to him a little." THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!
I approached his truck and noticed that the engine was still running. I knocked on the window but he didn't respond. YOU GUESSED IT.... HE WAS DRUNK. So drunk he couldn't figure out how to unlock the truck door or roll down the window so that I could get to him. I had no choice but to call 9-1-1 because I can't leave him drunk and passed out in a running vehicle.
At the advice of law enforcement and paramedics, I had him Marchman Acted that night. He spent the next 4 days in a behavioral center. His parents live almost 2 hours away, so trying to be a good person, I served as a liaison. I went to see him every day at lunch time and again in the evenings. If you have never been escorted through a mental hospital, the first time is something right out of a horror movie. It's cold, it's dark, and the hallways built to be a blank maze of confusion. I held his hand and cried. I told him we'd get through this together. He promised he'd change. He was discharged to the care of his mother on January 28th.
He was sober the entire month of February! I had gone to see him at his mothers and he was so happy and healthy looking. He had been doing some work for a local farmer, spending time with his family, and looking for recovery centers and rehab programs. I felt like he had made some real, positive changes. He wanted this!
Four days ago, March 4th, he called me and asked if we could spend some time together. Away from the supervision of his parents (who insisted we kept the bedroom door open while we were visiting in their home) I said "Sure....we're 30 year old adults after all...we deserve some privacy and you've been sober almost a whole month."
Today, March 8th, I went home to see him during my lunch break. Having him with me for the last few days had been so enjoyable now that he wasn't drinking. I thought it would be nice to enjoy the afternoon break with him. I arrived at 12:15pm and promptly put him and his things out on the sidewalk by 12:25pm. When I walked into my apartment, it reeked of bourbon. I could hear him drunkenly moan and groan from the guest room. My apartment was a wreck, the screen door was open and the thermostat was set to heat (We live in Florida). In the few hours of the morning that I was gone to work, he had managed to take a taxi to the liquor store, consume 750 ml of Jim Beam (the whole thing), trash my home, and run up my electric bill.
I threw his things together, called a cab, and saw him off just before 1pm. I told the cab driver to take him to the nearest hotel or at least somewhere safe, but that he was not to return to my home at any amount of begging. It's now 4:55 pm the same day and I'm reading forum after forum trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I haven't heard from him. I don't know where he is. I'm worried. I called his parents and let them know what happened. They told me that they weren't surprised and didn't think it would take this many days for him to relapse. They supported my decision to make him leave. But now, we're all lost and confused and have no idea where he is. I'm at work and have not tried to reach out to him. I'm afraid if I call him, I'll be talked into having him back at my apartment. I care for him very deeply and want what is best for him. I want so badly for him to really get better and fight this disease so that maybe, just maybe he and I can build a real, healthy relationship. I love his family, I care so much about them. We have all been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have been part of him and his family for years already. But I can not keep doing this to myself! He has to love himself before he can truly love me.
I refuse to become a Codependent! I will stand by my choice to not have him drinking or drunk in my home!
But my heart aches for him and I'm terrified that sending him out this afternoon is only going to mean danger and trouble for everyone. I want to be a good person and help, but I know that reaching out to him on my own is not the best idea right now. But I NEED to know that he's okay. If he ends up in jail, or the hospital, or God forbid he ends up dead, it'll be my phone that rings. If and when it does, should I still help him? Or should I let him be?
A few months ago, an old high school friend contacted me. We reconnected and things were absolutely amazing. He is the sweetest guy and when we are together, it feels like he really cares.
It wasn't long before I found out he is an alcoholic. A week into our relationship, I encouraged him to quit drinking.... "It's me or the bottle!" On January 1st, He quit cold turkey and the detox symptoms were unbearable. He vomited for days and days. He shook and cried in pain. Finally, I couldn't handle seeing him that way, I spent my 31st birthday (January 7th) and our 3rd date in the ICU holding his hand and begging nurses to make him better. Everyone told me that I was a strong source of support and he was going to need me during this recovery journey. I believed that he was going to change.
About a week later, I invited him to spend time with me at my home. He had been out of the hospital and seemed to be doing well now that he was past the detox process. I am new to what it means to be with someone in recovery, so I didn't know what to expect. The deal was he could come stay with me while he looked for a new job and a new apartment (his alcoholism had already taken these things away from him).
During his stay with me, he had what the doctors called an Absent Seizure. During the seizure, he bit his tongue and it swelled into a hematoma. I got home from work to find him passed out in the living room, not breathing. His throat was closing and there was little time to help him once we arrived to the ER. My boyfriend's alcoholism is so bad that he does not respond to anesthesia or other sedatives. He wouldn't go to sleep. The doctors advised me that we would surly lose him if I didn't act quickly. I signed Emergency Power of Attorney papers and gave doctors permission to insert a respirator while he was still awake. I watched the horrible experience, but was assured that it was the right thing. He was alive....for now. A few hours later, my boyfriends organs began to crash, his spleen, his liver, his kidneys.... I was instructed to contact a next of kin. His alcoholism was actually killing him.
I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time in a small room just away from the trauma center. There was no time to worry about first appearances or think about my outfit. There I was, 2am, tired, dirty with his blood, drool and vomit down my clothes, and scared. Not the ideal first meeting. Plus, I'd only been dating their son since just before Christmas and the first thing I said to them was "Hi, I'm sorry to meet you this way, but your son is on a respirator and his organs are failing."
They thanked me over and over. They called me an angel and credit me to saving their son's life. They know he has a problem with drinking, but could never get through to him. We all agreed this hospital stay has to be what finally makes him want to change.
He pulled through and survived the ordeal. Made promises to change. He had a follow up appointment at the hospital two days after he was discharged. I told him it was fine if he wanted to stay with me to avoid driving a long distance to go to the doctor. WRONG DECISION ALERT!
He got home from his appointment and was already hammered drunk. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. I called my mother and cried and cried. She told me to kick him out. I told her he was too drunk to drive. While I was on the phone, he had overheard that I was going to kick him out and he decided to leave on his own. Long story short, I got a phone call at 3am from the police station, he was arrested on a DUI just 2 blocks from my apartment. I went through the process of getting him bailed out. His parents transferred me the money and once he was sober enough to drive, I sent him on his way.
The next day, I returned home from work to find his truck in my apartment parking lot. I thought, "Well, maybe he's here to apologize and get his things. I can be civil and at least talk to him a little." THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!
I approached his truck and noticed that the engine was still running. I knocked on the window but he didn't respond. YOU GUESSED IT.... HE WAS DRUNK. So drunk he couldn't figure out how to unlock the truck door or roll down the window so that I could get to him. I had no choice but to call 9-1-1 because I can't leave him drunk and passed out in a running vehicle.
At the advice of law enforcement and paramedics, I had him Marchman Acted that night. He spent the next 4 days in a behavioral center. His parents live almost 2 hours away, so trying to be a good person, I served as a liaison. I went to see him every day at lunch time and again in the evenings. If you have never been escorted through a mental hospital, the first time is something right out of a horror movie. It's cold, it's dark, and the hallways built to be a blank maze of confusion. I held his hand and cried. I told him we'd get through this together. He promised he'd change. He was discharged to the care of his mother on January 28th.
He was sober the entire month of February! I had gone to see him at his mothers and he was so happy and healthy looking. He had been doing some work for a local farmer, spending time with his family, and looking for recovery centers and rehab programs. I felt like he had made some real, positive changes. He wanted this!
Four days ago, March 4th, he called me and asked if we could spend some time together. Away from the supervision of his parents (who insisted we kept the bedroom door open while we were visiting in their home) I said "Sure....we're 30 year old adults after all...we deserve some privacy and you've been sober almost a whole month."
Today, March 8th, I went home to see him during my lunch break. Having him with me for the last few days had been so enjoyable now that he wasn't drinking. I thought it would be nice to enjoy the afternoon break with him. I arrived at 12:15pm and promptly put him and his things out on the sidewalk by 12:25pm. When I walked into my apartment, it reeked of bourbon. I could hear him drunkenly moan and groan from the guest room. My apartment was a wreck, the screen door was open and the thermostat was set to heat (We live in Florida). In the few hours of the morning that I was gone to work, he had managed to take a taxi to the liquor store, consume 750 ml of Jim Beam (the whole thing), trash my home, and run up my electric bill.
I threw his things together, called a cab, and saw him off just before 1pm. I told the cab driver to take him to the nearest hotel or at least somewhere safe, but that he was not to return to my home at any amount of begging. It's now 4:55 pm the same day and I'm reading forum after forum trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I haven't heard from him. I don't know where he is. I'm worried. I called his parents and let them know what happened. They told me that they weren't surprised and didn't think it would take this many days for him to relapse. They supported my decision to make him leave. But now, we're all lost and confused and have no idea where he is. I'm at work and have not tried to reach out to him. I'm afraid if I call him, I'll be talked into having him back at my apartment. I care for him very deeply and want what is best for him. I want so badly for him to really get better and fight this disease so that maybe, just maybe he and I can build a real, healthy relationship. I love his family, I care so much about them. We have all been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have been part of him and his family for years already. But I can not keep doing this to myself! He has to love himself before he can truly love me.
I refuse to become a Codependent! I will stand by my choice to not have him drinking or drunk in my home!
But my heart aches for him and I'm terrified that sending him out this afternoon is only going to mean danger and trouble for everyone. I want to be a good person and help, but I know that reaching out to him on my own is not the best idea right now. But I NEED to know that he's okay. If he ends up in jail, or the hospital, or God forbid he ends up dead, it'll be my phone that rings. If and when it does, should I still help him? Or should I let him be?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I know that our agreement to be friends is what is best for the situation, but it's so hard to not want more.
That is why you cannot be a friend to him. You will always want more and at some point you will get sucked back into the crazy. Am not saying this to upset you but I did it myself but I was married to my exah for 20 years. You have been with this man 3 months. You do not have to be anything to him.
That is why you cannot be a friend to him. You will always want more and at some point you will get sucked back into the crazy. Am not saying this to upset you but I did it myself but I was married to my exah for 20 years. You have been with this man 3 months. You do not have to be anything to him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by aliciagr
All things considered I think your post is filled with good news!
He is taking action and doing something to address the problem - and only time will tell. His attitude seems good.
You sound good. I would take things one step at a time, and maybe give a bit of space to "addiction" for a while. Focus on life, and just know there is much support out there for you if you need it. It looks to me like you have a good concept of boundaries and how to use them so his issues don't invade your space, or cause a chronic negative impact to your life.
I used therapy when I wanted to learn about addiction, needed to talk about things because I was confused about events. The why part. Why addiction caused certain symptoms, actions. And to examine why I responded the way I did. I did some things wrong according to my own set of principles. I had to examine that. Therapy gave me a place to talk through it. It wont hurt to sample meetings, or see a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine, along with your current therapist. Its all just a matter of what you are feeling. What types of things you want to spend time focusing on. How it will serve you going forward.
He is taking action and doing something to address the problem - and only time will tell. His attitude seems good.
You sound good. I would take things one step at a time, and maybe give a bit of space to "addiction" for a while. Focus on life, and just know there is much support out there for you if you need it. It looks to me like you have a good concept of boundaries and how to use them so his issues don't invade your space, or cause a chronic negative impact to your life.
I used therapy when I wanted to learn about addiction, needed to talk about things because I was confused about events. The why part. Why addiction caused certain symptoms, actions. And to examine why I responded the way I did. I did some things wrong according to my own set of principles. I had to examine that. Therapy gave me a place to talk through it. It wont hurt to sample meetings, or see a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine, along with your current therapist. Its all just a matter of what you are feeling. What types of things you want to spend time focusing on. How it will serve you going forward.
You are right. Only time will tell if this time will be the right time. And I know that I can't force it or snap my fingers and make it happen. And I'm not going to try anymore. He has to find it in himself what he wants to live for....I can only offer a friendly hello and pat on the back when it's deserved.
I am in control of the level of interaction he and I have with each other. Now that I feel like I can better identify toxic situations involving his addiction, I hope that I will also know exactly when to walk away.
His mom has also learned from the experience and I feel like I have made a difference in her life by sharing the information and resources I've found on this site. Prior to this experience, she was embarrassed to ask for help or admit that there was an issue. The idea of telling anyone that her son was an alcoholic made her ashamed of herself and him. I invited her to read my journaling on this forum and showed her the impact that it has had on me in such a short amount of time.
I believe all things happen for a reason and God does give us destiny. I'm not destined to change him or his family. But maybe my purpose in all this is to be a strong-willed arm of support. Someone to break the silence on his struggle with addiction and bring to light that there is help out there. If after just a few months I was able to step out of the cycle of denial and join this forum, maybe that strength and courage could pass on to his family and end the cycle for them. They can't make their son give up drinking and live a sober life, but they deserve support and love just as I do. But their fear of public shame has made this issue a hidden secret in their family and they have shrunk from seeking help. After I blew into their lives....it's a secret no more and a cry for change in their own lives and his has taken place. I hope that my continued love and support for him and his family (even at a small distance) carries enough encouragement to make his long walk across the bridge into recovery a little easier.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
this is so very very true....
I believe all things happen for a reason and God does give us destiny. I'm not destined to change him or his family. But maybe my purpose in all this is to be a strong-willed arm of support. Someone to break the silence on his struggle with addiction and bring to light that there is help out there. If after just a few months I was able to step out of the cycle of denial and join this forum, maybe that strength and courage could pass on to his family and end the cycle for them. They can't make their son give up drinking and live a sober life, but they deserve support and love just as I do. But their fear of public shame has made this issue a hidden secret in their family and they have shrunk from seeking help. After I blew into their lives....it's a secret no more and a cry for change in their own lives and his has taken place. I hope that my continued love and support for him and his family (even at a small distance) carries enough encouragement to make his long walk across the bridge into recovery a little easier.
my hubby's family will not hear of any of this . I have been on my own in ER and hospital for 26 years... have walked into the prayer chapel several times and just fell down...
I do believe that we are ment to be together he is alive because of me. and I have made it thro cancer because of him.. Eddie Lee can not take it when Iam ill and in ER.. he is pacing and watching everything.. one time I was in so much pain.. they shot me up with morphine.. I remember his voice . becareful she does not even do the pain meds you give her to take home. and every thing went dark and cold.. then I heard him yelling her heart her heart. and I could hear another asking me to open my eyes.. I knew I was breathing but could not open my eyes.
kids and beans .. love so much love I send flying to all. prayers and love and so many of us are in rooms with all of this in front of us so tissue and coffee and hope prayers and yes listen to me YES you did do the right thing what ever that is at this moment . and you are a Good Person and we can do this in Life hold tight with our finger tips and know that we will not fall we will not give up and WE WILL BE GREAT SUPPORT TO Ourselves first and all the rest second. love ardy
I believe all things happen for a reason and God does give us destiny. I'm not destined to change him or his family. But maybe my purpose in all this is to be a strong-willed arm of support. Someone to break the silence on his struggle with addiction and bring to light that there is help out there. If after just a few months I was able to step out of the cycle of denial and join this forum, maybe that strength and courage could pass on to his family and end the cycle for them. They can't make their son give up drinking and live a sober life, but they deserve support and love just as I do. But their fear of public shame has made this issue a hidden secret in their family and they have shrunk from seeking help. After I blew into their lives....it's a secret no more and a cry for change in their own lives and his has taken place. I hope that my continued love and support for him and his family (even at a small distance) carries enough encouragement to make his long walk across the bridge into recovery a little easier.
my hubby's family will not hear of any of this . I have been on my own in ER and hospital for 26 years... have walked into the prayer chapel several times and just fell down...
I do believe that we are ment to be together he is alive because of me. and I have made it thro cancer because of him.. Eddie Lee can not take it when Iam ill and in ER.. he is pacing and watching everything.. one time I was in so much pain.. they shot me up with morphine.. I remember his voice . becareful she does not even do the pain meds you give her to take home. and every thing went dark and cold.. then I heard him yelling her heart her heart. and I could hear another asking me to open my eyes.. I knew I was breathing but could not open my eyes.
kids and beans .. love so much love I send flying to all. prayers and love and so many of us are in rooms with all of this in front of us so tissue and coffee and hope prayers and yes listen to me YES you did do the right thing what ever that is at this moment . and you are a Good Person and we can do this in Life hold tight with our finger tips and know that we will not fall we will not give up and WE WILL BE GREAT SUPPORT TO Ourselves first and all the rest second. love ardy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
God gives us Free Will and ....
Be very careful as you often get what you wish for! Our choices determine our destiny and God only intervenes if you sell out and Pray that he does (often we don’t want His will just want His help helping our addict turn into the prince WE KNOW is in there!!!
Problem is is your qualifier (addict bf now “friend”) also has free will and a lot more experience being the very convincing now alleged recovering addict who is full of charm and probably good looking brilliant guy!
Is his name Chris? It may be my ex-fiancé who I spent years on the chronic relapse bandwagon!
Go read my old posts! I so deluded myself because I was sooo in love despite the red flags sticking out everywhere!
If it’s true love and your destiny why not rain check for a year? If he keeps on the recovery trail he might warrant a cup of coffee next March.
I wish I had those 5 years back... I might have missed my true prince kissing that frog constantly waiting for the fairy dust to kick in!
Problem is is your qualifier (addict bf now “friend”) also has free will and a lot more experience being the very convincing now alleged recovering addict who is full of charm and probably good looking brilliant guy!
Is his name Chris? It may be my ex-fiancé who I spent years on the chronic relapse bandwagon!
Go read my old posts! I so deluded myself because I was sooo in love despite the red flags sticking out everywhere!
If it’s true love and your destiny why not rain check for a year? If he keeps on the recovery trail he might warrant a cup of coffee next March.
I wish I had those 5 years back... I might have missed my true prince kissing that frog constantly waiting for the fairy dust to kick in!
Originally Posted by nitabug0107
He has had a HUGE impact on my life. And in a short amount of time, I was pulled into A LOT of chaos. But I honestly believe that knowledge and education are power. I took a big step to join this forum and discuss the details of my struggle and his. He is not aware that I have talked about his addiction to anyone....he would likely be embarrassed or upset at the idea I've told strangers of his struggle......but I hope that he would also understand that I need an outlet and support group just as he does while he makes this attempt at recovery.
You are right. Only time will tell if this time will be the right time. And I know that I can't force it or snap my fingers and make it happen. And I'm not going to try anymore. He has to find it in himself what he wants to live for....I can only offer a friendly hello and pat on the back when it's deserved.
I am in control of the level of interaction he and I have with each other. Now that I feel like I can better identify toxic situations involving his addiction, I hope that I will also know exactly when to walk away.
His mom has also learned from the experience and I feel like I have made a difference in her life by sharing the information and resources I've found on this site. Prior to this experience, she was embarrassed to ask for help or admit that there was an issue. The idea of telling anyone that her son was an alcoholic made her ashamed of herself and him. I invited her to read my journaling on this forum and showed her the impact that it has had on me in such a short amount of time.
I believe all things happen for a reason and God does give us destiny. I'm not destined to change him or his family. But maybe my purpose in all this is to be a strong-willed arm of support. Someone to break the silence on his struggle with addiction and bring to light that there is help out there. If after just a few months I was able to step out of the cycle of denial and join this forum, maybe that strength and courage could pass on to his family and end the cycle for them. They can't make their son give up drinking and live a sober life, but they deserve support and love just as I do. But their fear of public shame has made this issue a hidden secret in their family and they have shrunk from seeking help. After I blew into their lives....it's a secret no more and a cry for change in their own lives and his has taken place. I hope that my continued love and support for him and his family (even at a small distance) carries enough encouragement to make his long walk across the bridge into recovery a little easier.
You are right. Only time will tell if this time will be the right time. And I know that I can't force it or snap my fingers and make it happen. And I'm not going to try anymore. He has to find it in himself what he wants to live for....I can only offer a friendly hello and pat on the back when it's deserved.
I am in control of the level of interaction he and I have with each other. Now that I feel like I can better identify toxic situations involving his addiction, I hope that I will also know exactly when to walk away.
His mom has also learned from the experience and I feel like I have made a difference in her life by sharing the information and resources I've found on this site. Prior to this experience, she was embarrassed to ask for help or admit that there was an issue. The idea of telling anyone that her son was an alcoholic made her ashamed of herself and him. I invited her to read my journaling on this forum and showed her the impact that it has had on me in such a short amount of time.
I believe all things happen for a reason and God does give us destiny. I'm not destined to change him or his family. But maybe my purpose in all this is to be a strong-willed arm of support. Someone to break the silence on his struggle with addiction and bring to light that there is help out there. If after just a few months I was able to step out of the cycle of denial and join this forum, maybe that strength and courage could pass on to his family and end the cycle for them. They can't make their son give up drinking and live a sober life, but they deserve support and love just as I do. But their fear of public shame has made this issue a hidden secret in their family and they have shrunk from seeking help. After I blew into their lives....it's a secret no more and a cry for change in their own lives and his has taken place. I hope that my continued love and support for him and his family (even at a small distance) carries enough encouragement to make his long walk across the bridge into recovery a little easier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
This post has been awesome! Read it all.
Thanks everyone who participated with candor.
Nita: I just want to tell you that you are great! Very self aware. You are learning and this is your journey. We will be here to support you along but this is all up to you.
It’s ok if you want to be friends. You are making those decisions but realize that you are exposing your heart to the repercussions. That’s ok. We all learn by what we live, not by what we hear.
One thing that I has helped me is this Buddhist principle: everything is perfect... what?!? That seems weird, but in it I realize that things are how their are because they have developed that way and it’s not up to me or to my idea of what perfect is.
Another one: perfect is boring!!! I have stopped striving to be perfect. I just want to be ME.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I hope that you continue to put yourself first. Keep us posted.
Nows
Thanks everyone who participated with candor.
Nita: I just want to tell you that you are great! Very self aware. You are learning and this is your journey. We will be here to support you along but this is all up to you.
It’s ok if you want to be friends. You are making those decisions but realize that you are exposing your heart to the repercussions. That’s ok. We all learn by what we live, not by what we hear.
One thing that I has helped me is this Buddhist principle: everything is perfect... what?!? That seems weird, but in it I realize that things are how their are because they have developed that way and it’s not up to me or to my idea of what perfect is.
Another one: perfect is boring!!! I have stopped striving to be perfect. I just want to be ME.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I hope that you continue to put yourself first. Keep us posted.
Nows
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
I just wanted to come back on and let everyone know that I'm doing well. Focusing on me feels good and it's a lesson I need to learn with or without him.
I saw him for a bit over Easter weekend. He seemed to be doing well. He was sober and had a positive attitude. I am happy about that.
My overall health has improved. I had a biometric screening for the office insurance company today. All of my numbers are great. My blood pressure is still a little high, but it's improving. My cholesterol is great. Even though I could afford to lose a few pounds, I allowed myself a Happy Meal for dinner (that's portion control, right?). I'm also shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding.
The friend who is a boy and recovering alcoholic and I talk. Usually through social media. I actually enjoy hearing from him and he's only ever seemed sober when we chat. His excitement and knowledge of baseball is entertaining and I think he's found a passion for a little more than drinking. At least this is my hope for him.
It feels good and I still pray for his recovery. I know he'll take falls and he will take a long time to ever fully recover, but that day wasn't today and I pray for a sober tomorrow.
I saw him for a bit over Easter weekend. He seemed to be doing well. He was sober and had a positive attitude. I am happy about that.
My overall health has improved. I had a biometric screening for the office insurance company today. All of my numbers are great. My blood pressure is still a little high, but it's improving. My cholesterol is great. Even though I could afford to lose a few pounds, I allowed myself a Happy Meal for dinner (that's portion control, right?). I'm also shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding.
The friend who is a boy and recovering alcoholic and I talk. Usually through social media. I actually enjoy hearing from him and he's only ever seemed sober when we chat. His excitement and knowledge of baseball is entertaining and I think he's found a passion for a little more than drinking. At least this is my hope for him.
It feels good and I still pray for his recovery. I know he'll take falls and he will take a long time to ever fully recover, but that day wasn't today and I pray for a sober tomorrow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Still Going Strong
I found so much love and support in this forum that I don't feel it would be right to abandon it and not keep everyone informed. Every single person who responded with their love, support, opinions, and advice has had an impact on the dramatic situation I was once in. My heart is so full knowing that there are still people in this world who would extend so much help to someone they do not even know.
I'm still doing very well. Work is good, I'm almost done with my school program and helping to plan my friend's wedding has been keeping me busy.
I have stayed in contact with my friend and from what I have been told, he's actually doing really well. He's stayed sober for some time now. I believe he is managing things on his own which is bothersome, but it's not my choice and not my life, so I try very hard not to worry about it or make suggestions about what I think he needs.
He has started a new job and is getting back on his feet a little. I hope that maybe he's finally realized that there is more to life and living than just drunken blackouts and scaring his family half to death.
I know much of the advice I was given on this forum was to "Run Far and Run Fast" from him and his drama. Taking time away from him with limited contact has made me feel better about the type of friend I believe I am and could still be for him. It's actually nice hearing from him when he calls.
Other than that, my life is the same ol' same ol' that it was before him. I forgot how good it felt to be kind of boring day to day. He was such a whirlwind that the drama and the extreme ups and downs really had me out of my element. Now, I'm right back to being myself.
One thing that bothers me is the guilt that I feel when I choose to indulge in alcoholic beverages. Is this normal?
When I'm out with friends, or having a beer while I watch the ballgame, I start to feel sad and guilty almost as soon as I order an alcoholic beverage. That feeling gets worse if I've drank more than 2 drinks. I have never had a bad relationship with alcohol, nor have I ever gotten out of control. Has my experience with an alcoholic in my life changed the way I view myself and my attitude towards drinking? Is this a positive change, or a negative one?
I mean, I've always been the type of person who believes that you don't NEED to have alcohol to have a good time. But, like any other person, it can be enjoyable time to time. So why does it feel so wrong?
I'm still doing very well. Work is good, I'm almost done with my school program and helping to plan my friend's wedding has been keeping me busy.
I have stayed in contact with my friend and from what I have been told, he's actually doing really well. He's stayed sober for some time now. I believe he is managing things on his own which is bothersome, but it's not my choice and not my life, so I try very hard not to worry about it or make suggestions about what I think he needs.
He has started a new job and is getting back on his feet a little. I hope that maybe he's finally realized that there is more to life and living than just drunken blackouts and scaring his family half to death.
I know much of the advice I was given on this forum was to "Run Far and Run Fast" from him and his drama. Taking time away from him with limited contact has made me feel better about the type of friend I believe I am and could still be for him. It's actually nice hearing from him when he calls.
Other than that, my life is the same ol' same ol' that it was before him. I forgot how good it felt to be kind of boring day to day. He was such a whirlwind that the drama and the extreme ups and downs really had me out of my element. Now, I'm right back to being myself.
One thing that bothers me is the guilt that I feel when I choose to indulge in alcoholic beverages. Is this normal?
When I'm out with friends, or having a beer while I watch the ballgame, I start to feel sad and guilty almost as soon as I order an alcoholic beverage. That feeling gets worse if I've drank more than 2 drinks. I have never had a bad relationship with alcohol, nor have I ever gotten out of control. Has my experience with an alcoholic in my life changed the way I view myself and my attitude towards drinking? Is this a positive change, or a negative one?
I mean, I've always been the type of person who believes that you don't NEED to have alcohol to have a good time. But, like any other person, it can be enjoyable time to time. So why does it feel so wrong?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
This is a great update!!
On the guilt....well, there's nothing like loving an alcoholic to make you question your own drinking (let alone make you question how you think, what you do, who you are....amiright?!) Been there!
Anywho - for me, it was good for me to look at my own drinking, after all, i fell in love with an alcoholic, so in the beginning and in the name of time together, I was drinking right along with him. Now that I'm removed from the situation, slowly I can see that it was my codependency (using drinking to bond with an alcoholic) moreso than it was problem drinking.
It'll calm down after time. Glad you are doing well and have a peaceful life!
On the guilt....well, there's nothing like loving an alcoholic to make you question your own drinking (let alone make you question how you think, what you do, who you are....amiright?!) Been there!
Anywho - for me, it was good for me to look at my own drinking, after all, i fell in love with an alcoholic, so in the beginning and in the name of time together, I was drinking right along with him. Now that I'm removed from the situation, slowly I can see that it was my codependency (using drinking to bond with an alcoholic) moreso than it was problem drinking.
It'll calm down after time. Glad you are doing well and have a peaceful life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by firebolt
This is a great update!!
On the guilt....well, there's nothing like loving an alcoholic to make you question your own drinking (let alone make you question how you think, what you do, who you are....amiright?!) Been there!
Anywho - for me, it was good for me to look at my own drinking, after all, i fell in love with an alcoholic, so in the beginning and in the name of time together, I was drinking right along with him. Now that I'm removed from the situation, slowly I can see that it was my codependency (using drinking to bond with an alcoholic) moreso than it was problem drinking.
It'll calm down after time. Glad you are doing well and have a peaceful life!
On the guilt....well, there's nothing like loving an alcoholic to make you question your own drinking (let alone make you question how you think, what you do, who you are....amiright?!) Been there!
Anywho - for me, it was good for me to look at my own drinking, after all, i fell in love with an alcoholic, so in the beginning and in the name of time together, I was drinking right along with him. Now that I'm removed from the situation, slowly I can see that it was my codependency (using drinking to bond with an alcoholic) moreso than it was problem drinking.
It'll calm down after time. Glad you are doing well and have a peaceful life!
Read this whole thread it’s a very positive one and you are a very strong, courageous lady! thanks for updating us! X
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
