SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/)
-   -   Can I Still Help Him? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/424605-can-i-still-help-him.html)

nitabug0107 03-08-2018 02:00 PM

Can I Still Help Him?
 
I read through a few forums and decided to give it a try. This is my first post and first time dealing with alcoholism on a relationship level.

A few months ago, an old high school friend contacted me. We reconnected and things were absolutely amazing. He is the sweetest guy and when we are together, it feels like he really cares.

It wasn't long before I found out he is an alcoholic. A week into our relationship, I encouraged him to quit drinking.... "It's me or the bottle!" On January 1st, He quit cold turkey and the detox symptoms were unbearable. He vomited for days and days. He shook and cried in pain. Finally, I couldn't handle seeing him that way, I spent my 31st birthday (January 7th) and our 3rd date in the ICU holding his hand and begging nurses to make him better. Everyone told me that I was a strong source of support and he was going to need me during this recovery journey. I believed that he was going to change.

About a week later, I invited him to spend time with me at my home. He had been out of the hospital and seemed to be doing well now that he was past the detox process. I am new to what it means to be with someone in recovery, so I didn't know what to expect. The deal was he could come stay with me while he looked for a new job and a new apartment (his alcoholism had already taken these things away from him).

During his stay with me, he had what the doctors called an Absent Seizure. During the seizure, he bit his tongue and it swelled into a hematoma. I got home from work to find him passed out in the living room, not breathing. His throat was closing and there was little time to help him once we arrived to the ER. My boyfriend's alcoholism is so bad that he does not respond to anesthesia or other sedatives. He wouldn't go to sleep. The doctors advised me that we would surly lose him if I didn't act quickly. I signed Emergency Power of Attorney papers and gave doctors permission to insert a respirator while he was still awake. I watched the horrible experience, but was assured that it was the right thing. He was alive....for now. A few hours later, my boyfriends organs began to crash, his spleen, his liver, his kidneys.... I was instructed to contact a next of kin. His alcoholism was actually killing him.

I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time in a small room just away from the trauma center. There was no time to worry about first appearances or think about my outfit. There I was, 2am, tired, dirty with his blood, drool and vomit down my clothes, and scared. Not the ideal first meeting. Plus, I'd only been dating their son since just before Christmas and the first thing I said to them was "Hi, I'm sorry to meet you this way, but your son is on a respirator and his organs are failing."

They thanked me over and over. They called me an angel and credit me to saving their son's life. They know he has a problem with drinking, but could never get through to him. We all agreed this hospital stay has to be what finally makes him want to change.

He pulled through and survived the ordeal. Made promises to change. He had a follow up appointment at the hospital two days after he was discharged. I told him it was fine if he wanted to stay with me to avoid driving a long distance to go to the doctor. WRONG DECISION ALERT!

He got home from his appointment and was already hammered drunk. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. I called my mother and cried and cried. She told me to kick him out. I told her he was too drunk to drive. While I was on the phone, he had overheard that I was going to kick him out and he decided to leave on his own. Long story short, I got a phone call at 3am from the police station, he was arrested on a DUI just 2 blocks from my apartment. I went through the process of getting him bailed out. His parents transferred me the money and once he was sober enough to drive, I sent him on his way.

The next day, I returned home from work to find his truck in my apartment parking lot. I thought, "Well, maybe he's here to apologize and get his things. I can be civil and at least talk to him a little." THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

I approached his truck and noticed that the engine was still running. I knocked on the window but he didn't respond. YOU GUESSED IT.... HE WAS DRUNK. So drunk he couldn't figure out how to unlock the truck door or roll down the window so that I could get to him. I had no choice but to call 9-1-1 because I can't leave him drunk and passed out in a running vehicle.

At the advice of law enforcement and paramedics, I had him Marchman Acted that night. He spent the next 4 days in a behavioral center. His parents live almost 2 hours away, so trying to be a good person, I served as a liaison. I went to see him every day at lunch time and again in the evenings. If you have never been escorted through a mental hospital, the first time is something right out of a horror movie. It's cold, it's dark, and the hallways built to be a blank maze of confusion. I held his hand and cried. I told him we'd get through this together. He promised he'd change. He was discharged to the care of his mother on January 28th.

He was sober the entire month of February! I had gone to see him at his mothers and he was so happy and healthy looking. He had been doing some work for a local farmer, spending time with his family, and looking for recovery centers and rehab programs. I felt like he had made some real, positive changes. He wanted this!

Four days ago, March 4th, he called me and asked if we could spend some time together. Away from the supervision of his parents (who insisted we kept the bedroom door open while we were visiting in their home) I said "Sure....we're 30 year old adults after all...we deserve some privacy and you've been sober almost a whole month."

Today, March 8th, I went home to see him during my lunch break. Having him with me for the last few days had been so enjoyable now that he wasn't drinking. I thought it would be nice to enjoy the afternoon break with him. I arrived at 12:15pm and promptly put him and his things out on the sidewalk by 12:25pm. When I walked into my apartment, it reeked of bourbon. I could hear him drunkenly moan and groan from the guest room. My apartment was a wreck, the screen door was open and the thermostat was set to heat (We live in Florida). In the few hours of the morning that I was gone to work, he had managed to take a taxi to the liquor store, consume 750 ml of Jim Beam (the whole thing), trash my home, and run up my electric bill.

I threw his things together, called a cab, and saw him off just before 1pm. I told the cab driver to take him to the nearest hotel or at least somewhere safe, but that he was not to return to my home at any amount of begging. It's now 4:55 pm the same day and I'm reading forum after forum trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. I haven't heard from him. I don't know where he is. I'm worried. I called his parents and let them know what happened. They told me that they weren't surprised and didn't think it would take this many days for him to relapse. They supported my decision to make him leave. But now, we're all lost and confused and have no idea where he is. I'm at work and have not tried to reach out to him. I'm afraid if I call him, I'll be talked into having him back at my apartment. I care for him very deeply and want what is best for him. I want so badly for him to really get better and fight this disease so that maybe, just maybe he and I can build a real, healthy relationship. I love his family, I care so much about them. We have all been through so much in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have been part of him and his family for years already. But I can not keep doing this to myself! He has to love himself before he can truly love me.

I refuse to become a Codependent! I will stand by my choice to not have him drinking or drunk in my home!

But my heart aches for him and I'm terrified that sending him out this afternoon is only going to mean danger and trouble for everyone. I want to be a good person and help, but I know that reaching out to him on my own is not the best idea right now. But I NEED to know that he's okay. If he ends up in jail, or the hospital, or God forbid he ends up dead, it'll be my phone that rings. If and when it does, should I still help him? Or should I let him be?

tomsteve 03-08-2018 03:40 PM

I refuse to become a Codependent!

think about this:
all of this insanity over just a few months- running to save him, visiting on your lunch and EVERYTHING yet
I will stand by my choice to not have him drinking or drunk in my home!


youre thinking of allowing him in your home after all of that!?!?!?!?!

Carlotta 03-08-2018 03:41 PM

Hello and welcome to SR and to life with an active alcoholic.
I hope you are reading around the F&F forum and start realizing that it is not going to get better.
You are only responsible for yourself, not for someone else's (very bad)decisions.

Life is short, do you really want to get stuck on that crazy merry go round of alcoholic binges, drama, rehab and regrets???
Do you really want to volunteer yourself for martyrdom?
If you had a daughter is it the kind of relationship you would like her to be in?

trailmix 03-08-2018 06:16 PM

Hi Nitabug and welcome. Glad your found SR, there is lots of information here that is helpful.

To answer your question, no you can't help him really. That's the truth. The 3 Cs - You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

I wonder how much you know about alcoholism? Please know that in no way is that meant to be judgmental, it's not like it's something we are taught in school! But when you are dealing with someone who is an alcoholic it is incredibly important to understand, or try to understand (hard to fully understand when you aren't actually an alcoholic).

Please take time to read around the forum, there is tons of information here, you might want to read the
stickies at the top of the forums as well.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...find-them.html

A week in you found out he is an alcoholic and gave him an ultimatum. Your third date was spent at the ICU with him in withdrawal.

Two months later he is drinking again. He's not in any kind of recovery and he obviously doesn't want to stop drinking right now. It's easy to think that HE has a problem with drinking, in fact YOU have a problem with his drinking. Really you are going to have to accept him as he is. If you are prepared to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, that is your choice, of course, just please research so that you can have some understanding of what that entails.

Nothing you say is going to make him quit, that has to be his decision.

trailmix 03-08-2018 06:22 PM

Just to add, where you say:


Originally Posted by nitabug0107 (Post 6814713)
I care for him very deeply and want what is best for him. I want so badly for him to really get better and fight this disease so that maybe, just maybe he and I can build a real, healthy relationship.

That's all about you. It may not be what he wants at all, or it might be but as he's not ready to stop drinking it's not reality. Sobriety takes a lot of hard work (read the newcomers and alcoholism forums to verify that). The person has to work really hard at it, most of all they have to be willing.

AnvilheadII 03-08-2018 06:37 PM

It wasn't long before I found out he is an alcoholic. A week into our relationship, I encouraged him to quit drinking.... "It's me or the bottle!" On January 1st, He quit cold turkey and the detox symptoms were unbearable. He vomited for days and days. He shook and cried in pain. Finally, I couldn't handle seeing him that way, I spent my 31st birthday (January 7th) and our 3rd date in the ICU holding his hand and begging nurses to make him better. Everyone told me that I was a strong source of support and he was going to need me during this recovery journey. I believed that he was going to change.

demanding that a long term alcoholic stop drinking/go cold turkey is VERY dangerous.....that you let him go for DAYS in such agony is unconscionable....those who know nothing about the disease and the possible dangers of quitting have no business demanding that they know what is best. that this happened within a WEEK????

i'm sorry.....you are both better far apart. he was fine and sober for a month when at his parent's home in February. you then again intervened/interfered and took him from that environment to your home and he used that opportunity to start drinking again. you are not helping. his issues LONG preceded you and you are ill equipped to help someone in his condition.

nitabug0107 03-08-2018 07:18 PM


Originally Posted by tomsteve (Post 6814796)
I refuse to become a Codependent!

think about this:
all of this insanity over just a few months- running to save him, visiting on your lunch and EVERYTHING yet
I will stand by my choice to not have him drinking or drunk in my home!


youre thinking of allowing him in your home after all of that!?!?!?!?!

Not allowing him back into my home, but at least making sure he's somewhere safe or that his family is able to locate him. Do I answer the phone if he calls?

nitabug0107 03-08-2018 07:26 PM


Originally Posted by AnvilheadII (Post 6815037)
It wasn't long before I found out he is an alcoholic. A week into our relationship, I encouraged him to quit drinking.... "It's me or the bottle!" On January 1st, He quit cold turkey and the detox symptoms were unbearable. He vomited for days and days. He shook and cried in pain. Finally, I couldn't handle seeing him that way, I spent my 31st birthday (January 7th) and our 3rd date in the ICU holding his hand and begging nurses to make him better. Everyone told me that I was a strong source of support and he was going to need me during this recovery journey. I believed that he was going to change.

demanding that a long term alcoholic stop drinking/go cold turkey is VERY dangerous.....that you let him go for DAYS in such agony is unconscionable....those who know nothing about the disease and the possible dangers of quitting have no business demanding that they know what is best. that this happened within a WEEK????

i'm sorry.....you are both better far apart. he was fine and sober for a month when at his parent's home in February. you then again intervened/interfered and took him from that environment to your home and he used that opportunity to start drinking again. you are not helping. his issues LONG preceded you and you are ill equipped to help someone in his condition.

You're right, I'm not ready to deal with that. In my defense, I suggested hospitalization and looked up several detox centers. He refused to go saying he'd been through the vomiting and suffering before and knew what he was doing.
He was sober a month and asked to be with me. I did not intervene or convince him to come here. He asked and I trusted he was better and could handle himself responsibly. I'm not exactly sure how I can be the blame for something I'm not the cause of.... there is zero alcohol in my home, not even mouth wash! He got the bourbon on his own and drank it on his own!

trailmix 03-08-2018 09:00 PM

Hi nita,

Just want to say I know it's really tough and you are going through a hard time and I hope my post didn't sound harsh, it wasn't intended that way at all.

Do you answer the phone if he calls, make sure he is safe and his family can locate him?

Well I personally wouldn't be tracking him, if his family would like to know where he is they can find him I suppose. You can't keep him safe and is that really what you want to be doing in your spare time anyway? You said "Sure....we're 30 year old adults after all" He is a grown man and yet now you are talking about him like he is a child.

As for answering the phone, what can you say? I would answer and if you aren't prepared to accept him in your life exactly how he is, I would ask him to call again when he has at least a year of sobriety.

If it's the hospital or jail, I suppose you could give them his parent's number.

nitabug0107 03-08-2018 09:18 PM


Originally Posted by trailmix (Post 6815150)
Hi nita,

Just want to say I know it's really tough and you are going through a hard time and I hope my post didn't sound harsh, it wasn't intended that way at all.

Do you answer the phone if he calls, make sure he is safe and his family can locate him?

Well I personally wouldn't be tracking him, if his family would like to know where he is they can find him I suppose. You can't keep him safe and is that really what you want to be doing in your spare time anyway? You said "Sure....we're 30 year old adults after all" He is a grown man and yet now you are talking about him like he is a child.

As for answering the phone, what can you say? I would answer and if you aren't prepared to accept him in your life exactly how he is, I would ask him to call again when he has at least a year of sobriety.

If it's the hospital or jail, I suppose you could give them his parent's number.

Thank you for understanding that this is the first time I've really handled something like this. I don't think your advice is harsh at all. Just a little shocking that so many people have advised me to focus my attention elsewhere and not worry about him.
I see your point on it sounding like I'm tracking him like a child. I guess the issue is my own. I turned him out and would feel extremely guilty if doing so triggered a life ending binge or something that effects human life (not just his own). Frankly, it wouldn't bother me if he was in jail. Can't get drunker there. My biggest fear is that he's laid up in some hotel room and drank himself into a coma. Sure, his parents supported my decision to throw him out, but would they feel the same if tomorrow we find out he's killed himself?
I may not be responsible for him and his drinking is his own fault, but how do I cope with these fears and emotions? How do I accept that what I did was the right thing? Or is it one of those things where there is no right or wrong?

DontRemember 03-08-2018 09:22 PM


Originally Posted by nitabug0107 (Post 6815094)
Not allowing him back into my home, but at least making sure he's somewhere safe or that his family is able to locate him. Do I answer the phone if he calls?

Hi.. No you don't answer the calls..it's not a punishment,,it's a reality.

trailmix 03-08-2018 09:49 PM

Perhaps there is truly no right or wrong. That said, you do have to look out for yourself. I'm sure you see the potential in him, alcoholics are not bad "demon people" or aliens but in active addition it can get very messy.

The bottom line here is that he will not stop drinking until he wants to and wants to do it for himself, for his life.

Nothing you do or say is going to change that. I don't know how long he has been drinking but i'm sure his parents have spoken to him about it - probably often. I'm sure they love him and he probably loves them too. Yet, that has not made one iota of difference. They bailed him out of jail, how many times have they done that? How many times have they been to the hospital?

4 days after leaving their house and going to yours: "They told me that they weren't surprised and didn't think it would take this many days for him to relapse" - they know him well.

My point is that it's not a good idea to think that he will look at you and at your relationship and go oh! I need to get sober for nitabug so we can fulfill that great life we both want! The thing is i'm sure he wants to be that sober, responsible Son to his parents and probably would like a nice normal relationship with a nice sober person (you), but that will not stop his drinking. He's proven that. He has to want it for himself.

He was in the hospital and his organs were failing. He continues to drink. That is very telling.

Alcoholism changes the brain. Craving for alcohol is all encompassing, a person has to be totally all in when trying to make that change, or they just keep drinking.

You cannot be responsible for his parents feelings. You cannot be responsible for him. How do you shake the guilt? I would ask why do you think you are responsible for him? You love him, you want him to be well but you are not responsible for him, he does get to make his own choices.

As for "fault" I wouldn't even go there really. I'm sure he didn't choose to become an alcoholic.

honeypig 03-08-2018 10:34 PM


Originally Posted by nitabug0107 (Post 6815154)
Thank you for understanding that this is the first time I've really handled something like this. I don't think your advice is harsh at all. Just a little shocking that so many people have advised me to focus my attention elsewhere and not worry about him.

You are being advised to focus your attention on YOU b/c YOU are the only person who you can change or help.

He told you that he'd been through the withdrawal symptoms before, so that should be a clue that this is NOT his first rodeo. He seems to have lived 3 decades, give or take, w/o you by his side to save him, help him, protect him, track him, call the cops on him, take him to the hospital, etc.

And to put some perspective on this--he has only been in your life for a few months at most, right? Again, he made it this far on his own, so you're not abandoning a helpless child. He's a grown man.

Certainly you can make the decision to continue down this road. I think that folks here are trying to let you know what the likely outcome will be and save you from the pain and futility. The human desire to help is both understandable and admirable, but you are going down a whole different rabbit hole when you enter the world of alcoholism. All the rules of the game in "normal" life go right out the window.

I would suggest two things for you, ASAP: One is to spend some time reading the stickies at the top of the page here at SR. The other is to check into a local Alanon meeting. I think that education about alcoholism might help change how you see things.

His life is HIS, and it isn't up to us to try to change his path, hard though it is to understand and accept.

Wamama48 03-08-2018 10:52 PM

I've only been on this forum for a little while, but the people on this forum have been there. And back and there and back. Their advice is the best, most well thought out advice I've ever received. You unfortunately stepped into a hornet's nest with your boyfriend. You didn't know any better, you didn't know how alcoholics work. Most of us on herer have spent years, even decades loving our alcoholics.

I am really, really worried about you. This is a scary situation. He will do what he will do. If you could save him, he would be happy and free right now. I recently learned the 3 C's of Al Anon. There's a reason this phrase has withstood the test of time through the years. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Change it. Can we make you cut contact with him, never see him again? No. You are the one who has to want that.

Here are a few quotes from SR members that really struck me. Sorry SR people, don't remember who wrote what.
-This one is regarding a woman who was torn because she was chosing to walk away from her alcoholic. She said.....I have the power to help him off the streets and to be there, I am just are choosing not to.
Our wise SR member said......you mean.....HE has the power to HELP HIMSELF and chooses not to.

He does have the power, he is choosing not to. I noticed his parents were not in contact with him anymore and you had to call them a few times to let them know he was very ill. I think they have already done what we are advising you to do, as hard as it is. Cut contact, and walk away.

And one more from a recent post I read.....Addiction is hard. You feel like you are leaving them in the dust. But there is truly nothing you can do for them. You either stand by and donate your life to watch a horror show unfold, or you save yourself - spare at least one of you to go on and have a normal life.

So many hugs to you. Save yourself.

OpheliaKatz 03-09-2018 02:08 AM

Hi and welcome to SR. None of this is your fault. You didn't know about addiction. A lot of people think they know about addiction but the reality is that most addicts can't quit cold turkey or can't quit at all. I was once in a similar position. I asked the addict in my life to quit and to go rehab. He said he could quit cold turkey because rehab was like joining a cult. Well, he never quit. Every time he tried, he was extremely sick. Please don't blame yourself for the things you didn't know. I don't even think you were irresponsible for what you asked him to do, because his addiction was never your responsibility in the first place. Asking to be in a relationship with someone who is not an addict is completely reasonable.

That said, he is an addict. And you should be asking for a sober partner. Therefore, you can't be asking him to be your partner. He's got a long, difficult, dangerous journey to walk. He may quit and relapse many times before it sticks. He may never completely stop. He may replace the alcohol with another type of addiction. I suggest you take some time for yourself and not worry about him for a while. Trust him to God (or the universe... or whatever higher power you believe in). Seek help from Alanon and maybe things will get clearer. SR is a good place too. I hope my response was helpful in some way.

There's a saying around here that helps: Let go and let God.

tomsteve 03-09-2018 04:25 AM


Originally Posted by nitabug0107 (Post 6815094)
Not allowing him back into my home, but at least making sure he's somewhere safe or that his family is able to locate him. Do I answer the phone if he calls?

do you like to listen to circus music? if you do, then answer. it will be playing softly. then the more you answer and do, the louder it will get.
hes an adult. he survived before you and wil after. if he gets help is up to him. he can get out of the underoos,put on some big boy britches, and take care of himself getiing help any day. just as it was up to me.

ive said it quite a few times here and have no problem saying it again:

the best move any women i was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb. i was only going to drag them down with me and there was a LOT of gloom,dispair, and agony going down.
they couldnt save me when i wouldnt save myself.

youve got no magic words,powers, or anything that can save an alcoholic. thats the same for all of us.

Spence7471 03-09-2018 06:54 AM


Originally Posted by nitabug0107 (Post 6814713)
I refuse to become a Codependent!

Please do not take this wrong, but sorry to tell you this, sounds like you are codependent... you have enabled him on many fronts...

His issues are way bigger than what you can handle on your own... my wife discovered that finally when she was trying to wrangle her addiction herself... it required professional help...

For her, it was detox, then right off to a rehab... there was no coming home to test the waters of normalcy again (she spent one night with the family between detox and rehab because of availability).

Save yourself the drama of this relationship... go no contact with him, and that means his parents also. His life is his and yours is yours... they are not connected in any fashion and it would likely be best that it stays that way.. for both of you.

nitabug0107 03-09-2018 09:17 AM

Everyone is absolutely correct that I do not know enough about this disease in order to truly understand what is going on. I respect everyone for their advice and taking the time to give me their opinions.

I think I can accept that I'm not going to be the answer to his problem. I can't fix him. That's been made very clear to me. However, the part I still haven't been able to understand is why so many have told me to completely disassociate with him entirely.

I get it, a relationship is not the right choice. It's not smart for me to baby him through situations. But doesn't he still deserve love and support? Why am I being encouraged to treat him like he's worthless garbage? I thought people struggling with disease deserve care and affection just like anyone else. I'm getting mixed information.... one minute I'm told alcoholism and addiction are a disease just like any other disease, next, I'm being told his condition makes him the scum of the Earth and it doesn't deserve the time of day.

I understand rock bottom. I understand tough love. But at this point, he's been missing for close to 24 hours without a trace. When I kicked him out yesterday, I didn't ask where he was going and I doubt he was coherent enough to tell the cab driver a real address. I'm not supposed to help find him if I'm the last person who saw him? I'm not supposed to care that he's kind of missing? I shouldn't feel concern for his well-being? I'm not allowed to feel just a little remorse or guilt should he turn up hurt/sick/dead?

He's homeless, jobless, suffers from anxiety and depression, and has real medical issues. Why is it so wrong to want to know that he is at least somewhere safe? Why is it so wrong for his family and I to support each other through this really scary and emotional time?

He hasn't called. I haven't called him. I've minded everyone's best advice to let him be and trust that he'll either make the decision to get cleaned up or he won't. I've decided that I can't accept him as an alcoholic and I plan to enforce my stand on him not returning to my home. I've decided that a relationship with him is not smart and it's only hurting both of us if I continue. But now, the situation has turned. I live in Tampa. His family is 2 hours away. He doesn't know anyone here and has no where to go. At this point, his parents are getting very worried about the worst and they are asking me if I've heard from him. I haven't tried to contact him and I feel like I need to be mindful of the advice that I have been given. His parents are concerned that something serious has happened. It's upsetting me and I'm becoming concerned. Is this normal? Do I continue to act like I don't care and ignore their pleas for help/information on finding him?

No one has information on his whereabouts and his parents tell me that he hasn't answered a single call or text.

If alcoholism makes him the scum of the Earth and I'm to cut off all association with him and his parents, what happens if this situation escalates? What role do I take in providing information to the police for a missing person's report? Identifying him should he be found in a hospital? What if he turns up at my door while there is an active search for him....do I let him stay in my home while I contact authorities to turn him over? Or do I send him away so that I protect myself and contact authorities only after I've kicked him out again?

If alcoholism is a disease and people who suffer from it deserve care, support, and love (maybe not romantic), what then? Does my role change? Am I supportive friend who wants to do their part to locate a man who may or may not be in serious danger? Or do I brush everything off and act smug towards the situation because I've been told "You've had enough. Save yourself." and advised to leave him forever? Is it possible to be concerned and love him from a distance so that I'm protected, but that he still understands there are people who care for him and want him to make the choice to get better? And what happens if it isn't better. What if we find out the worst and he is severely injured or had another seizure and is now dead or dying? Am I allowed to grieve? Am I allowed to feel human emotion for him and his family?

Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm right on track with what I'm supposed to feel in a situation like this. I don't know. I feel confused, lost, worried, scared. I feel like despite his condition, he deserves as much care as anyone and his life is just as important as anyone else's when it comes to whether or not he's missing or in danger. Does wanting to know that he's safe and helping however I can make me the bad guy, an enabler, part of the problem?

Carlotta 03-09-2018 09:28 AM

Hi Nita

I was re reading my post and I want to apologize if I sounded a bit short. As years pass and recovery truly sets in, it s easy to forget how easy it is to get sucked into our partner's madness.
Like everyone else who answered you on this thread, I have been through the wringer of trying to save someone who did not want to save himself.
I lost count of times I took my XABF to detox and rehabs.

The most notorious one being right after 911 when I dragged him to detox in Staten Island. They had just reopened some of the streets by ground zero, cops and military were everywhere and here I was, dragging a drunk middle Eastern looking big guy past all the security points to get him to treatment!!

I also remember the anxiety of not knowing if he was alive or dead, drunk or sober, if he was going to walk out of treatment or stay.... you name it (TomSteve, I need the Circus Music here LOL).

My point is that we have all been through the wringer here and while you might feel deep inside that "you two are different" so did we and no we weren't. You have been dating him for only a short while and we are trying to "save" you from the upcoming pain and anxiety. Of course, the same way you cannot save your friend, we cannot "save" you. We can only share our experience.

Like us, you are a kind caring person who wants to help and rescue someone you care about. We get it. The thing is that you cannot change people no matter how much you try and no matter how right you are. You just cannot save someone who does not want to save himself

Be kind to yourself
:hug:

BlownOne 03-09-2018 09:30 AM

There wasn't one single reply to your OP that said alcoholics are the 'scum of the earth" or that you should treat him like 'worthless garbage'. Not one person said that. I suggest you go back and reread the replies. What they did tell you was very sound advice. You can care, but you can't save him, and nothing YOU do will affect his recovery. That's on him. By being involved in his life at this point, you are actually making it harder for him to take responsibility for his decisions. Yes, alcoholism may be a disease, but for many many of us the only thing that led us to change was experiencing the full consequences (pain) of our own decisions and actions. It's a difficult and painful thing to endure. best wishes to you.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:11 PM.