nitabug0107

Thanks. I am very caring and I do feel for him. But I know that I'm not the answer he needs. It's so tough. How do you love and let go at the same time?

Maudcat

I hope he will, nitabug.
Adding my prayers to yours.

tomsteve

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it .
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
__________________________________________________ _______________________

all of us here have been ,and are, very caring,too.
we've all had to learn to let go at some point on our journey,too.

Eddiebuckle

This is difficult to accept, but as someone who has sponsored enough people to know (one of whom died in active addiction), this is God's responsibility, not yours. Someone who acts as he has is not ready to do what it takes to stay sober, and nothing you or anyone else says or does will change that. Simply put, this is above our paygrade.

LLLisa

I'm sorry that it feels like this to you. We aren't judging you. I'm not judging you. I feel sad for you because I can see you have done everything you thought would help and nothing has helped. We have ALL done the same but we have learned that we CANNOT help. All "helping" does is make you run around in circles. There is no magic solution. The alcoholic has all the power and he is going to do what he is going to do NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!

Honestly Nita, they are not blaming you. I know it might feel like that but they are not. We want you to be able to see for yourself that all your actions to "help" him have been, are and will continue to be futile.

All you need to do is to look at his ACTIONS. Ignore his words. They are drunken, meaningless words. His actions should be able to tell you all you need to know.

Learning14

IMHO:

1) Ask your therapist what, if any, experience they have in dealing with alcoholism. I'm betting from the response from the therapist, not a lot.

2) Let his family handle this for him. It's not your cross to carry.

3) I wouldn't go visit or try to "encourage," or "love with boundaries."

4) No. Sorry. You CAN'T be an inspiration to him. HE needs to figure out what path he wants to take. If you go down that road, I am telling you from experience, you will end up with severe road rash, deformities and disfigurement that may never heal. DON'T DO IT.

biminiblue

Oh, my gosh nita.

Please find a FEMALE therapist with experience in addiction counseling.

And listen to your own gut on this, you have a good head on your shoulders - but this is so far outside your level of experience: even for an alcoholic like me who's seen way more than I'd like, this is extreme and way beyond what any layperson should attempt.

Please be careful. Guard your heart. You too can become broken dealing with this.

Ladybird579

I spoke to a therapist this morning. I've been to him before concerning other issues and thought it could help. He thinks that total abandonment of the situation will be damaging to both me and my "boyfriend."

Your therapist is way out of line telling you this. It's not his call to make. Nor has he any clue how it will effect your boyfriend. He's never met him has he? Also YOUR therapist is supposed to be looking out for your welfare.

FireSprite

He told you this about a relationship less than 3 months old? Less than the change of a singular season? Yeah - my thought is,


Get a 2nd opinion - heck, the sticky threads here contain better, more specific advice about how to deal with these types of situations.

NO ONE should EVER feel this kind of obligation to a THREE MONTH RELATIONSHIP.

atalose

I think this is where the therapy needs to begin, why would you continue seeing someone that needed to CHANGE in order for you to continue dating him? A healthy person would see the big red flag and say, no this person is not for me but instead you asked him to change who he was. I believe that is called, dating someone's "potential".

I can’t believe any therapist would encourage you to continue an ill-fated from the very beginning relationship with an active alcoholic. Time to find a better therapist.

Sleepyhollo

I agree, get a different therapist, one that has experience with addiction. That is really bad advice to give someone especially for a relationship of less than 3 month/just dating.

I don't know that you need a female therapist necessarily. I have a guy and I really like him. I tend to do better with guys because women tend to be too touchy feely for me and I don't do well with that. He is respectful of my reservations with counseling but makes me challenge things/feeling etc. He is not CAC certified but has dealt a lot with addiction. I think that is really important because it really changes everything.

You are doing the right thing by going no contact/ending it. He is an adult. If he values his life he will seek help. If down the road he gets clean for a prolonged period of time and you decide you want to give it a try then go for it. You own him nothing at this point. You owe it to yourself to take care of you and can not get caught up in this mess. Because that's what it is. Nothing good can come out of this unless he seeks help and gets clean. And no one is judging you, we have all been there. I wish I would have found this place a long time ago so that people could have made me see things the way they really were. Because now when I see a lot the newcomer stories here it is so obvious how dysfunctional and codependent most of those relationships with their addict are. But 1.5 years ago I would not have had a clue about any of that.

hearthealth

I think we take advise as sound when we hear information we want to hear. It could be very much more damaging to stay in contact with a person that has issues that need to change even with the best boundaries. We never know if, when or how inspiration for qualifiers will present themselves. Or how low their bottom will take them and us with them. We don't have that magic moment.

aliciagr

I am impressed by the way you are handling things Nitabug.
How are his parents doing?

Again you are showing by actions that you are caring/supportive but are also looking out for your own needs. Knowing at that point in time you weren't able to see him at the hospital. And going to see a therapist so you have someone else in your loop of support. Way to go!

I think the therapists advice is solid. (although it may conflict with AA and Alanon program theory and is why you may see some kickback on this site). But its much like the advice I got from my therapist when I was struggling during my husbands addiction. Perhaps knowing you, your beliefs, and who you are as a person - what is being said by the therapist is that if you just turn tail and run- it will be something you find hard to reconcile inside yourself? Do you think that might be it?

I think the therapist advice of "He told me to love from a distance, set boundaries, and be encouraging " is spot on.

I do care about my "boyfriend" seeking treatment. I know that I can't make him, but could I be an inspiration?


I think anyone who has a personal relationship with another person can offer encouragement, support, and be a reminder of how life on the other side of an addiction can be beautiful and fulfilling.

Its hard and painful work to recover from an addiction, to redesign your life. A lot is internal and solo work, but it by no means requires isolation from family and friends. The end goal is a normal life right?

For your sake however I think following the additional advice of the therapist and keeping strong boundaries will keep you emotionally safe, and allow you to figure out how you want to proceed with the "boyfriend" as time passes. You arent committed to this relationship or friendship for life, and who knows where it will go, what will happen.

I hope this time he is willing to accept help. I know you had been looking at treatment centers. And in one of your posts you shared about how he was on meds for depression/anxiety. So just a suggestion - a dual diagnosis rehab where they are more likely to offer proper medical / pscyh care is what I would look for. Even if he gets mandated by the court, it might be good for his family to advocate for specific treatment.

[My husbands parents went into a panic when he needed treatment. He wasn't in position to sort through options at the time. They didn't do proper research and just assumed there was like one approach, all rehabs were the same - umm no. he got into one that was not at all suitable for his needs]. My one pet peeve is how my mother in law most likely spent more time picking out the perfect hair salon for herself, than she did considering treatment options for addiction. ( I almost wrote that in CAPS because Im still steamed over it ! )

firebolt

SO smart to reach out to a therapist - great job taking care of YOU!!

I agree several people above, I would make sure the therapist has extensive experience with addiction.

For boundaries - one that has been very, VERY good to me, and served me well with a couple exes and a couple friends is - I don't want addicts in my life until they have at least a solid year of recovery.

I'm glad he is safe, and I am glad you haven't reached out - you are doing just fine, and I hope that steak was fabulous!!

biminiblue

alicia, a husband and a two-month boyfriend are entirely different things.

You are married and you had a child on the way when all this blew up for you.

nita doesn't have to tie her wagon to this particular man. Apples and oranges.

This has nothing to do with AA or Al Anon, since I don't go to either. I also don't have a therapist. I do have common sense, an education, and street smarts.

I also have a lot of experience dealing with alcoholism and alcoholics. When I was married to one I was much more willing to take more steps. When I more recently realized I had gotten involved with an EX addict in a dating situation - I was out of there. Experience I would wish on no one, and I do learn from my own experience. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

FireSprite

This has NOTHING to do with AA or AlAnon.

Surely you can see the difference in your situations?

You were married for a while & expecting a child during your therapy, is that correct?

You think that carries the same emotional investment as a less-than-3-month relationship?

FireSprite

Ooops - cross posting with bimini on the same thought.... sorry

biminiblue

Because we're awesome.

aliciagr

In reply to the two awesome folks.

First of all. When my husbands addiction rose its ugly head I was not pregnant and we did not have any children. Our son was born about 2 years after the start of it all. And at no point through any of my ordeal were choices easy or based simply on the fact that we were married. I loved him, and I cared about him as a human being.

From what I read in the thread. Nitabug has been friends with this man since high school. They went separate ways and he came back into her life. My thought process is that there was a friendship between the two which evolved. It wasn't just a hookup that started 12 weeks ago.

But this really has nothing to do with this guy. What the therapist said in my opinion has to do with who Nitabug is as a person. Obviously I don't know Nitabug, but I can tell you from talks with my own therapist. Many of the discussions were about MY feelings, and how I would reconcile my personal beliefs, what centers me, with my actions. How I react in different situations and how I treat other people. I had to make decisions and feel comfortable with them. Sometimes instead of just jumping into an action; I had to think it through, examine my feelings, play it forward and know all was well with my soul.

I don't even think the therapist is saying that Nitabug must stay in the relationship. He is saying set boundaries, figure out your thoughts, be careful, keep a distance, be objective and the answers will come to you in time.

A scenario for example. One might realize a man is not in shape to be an equal partner, less a romantic partner at this time. We look at our wants and needs in life, our goals of marriage and children possibly. But at the same time maybe you care about this person as a friend and you don't want to totally cut them out. So how do you create boundaries and express this? Maybe at a point you decide its best to withdraw completely, so you develop steps to do this so you can move forward in other directions. There can be a process where it can be about staying true to self, taking care of self, being compassionate to another, and also learning about yourself in difficult situations. As long as we have boundaries, and pillars of support to help us, then is it safe to proceed in this manner? Not for me to answer for another person.

And in terms of support of family and friends, sorry but from my perspective AA and Alanon do have specific views which they "suggest" and a lot of that can be found here in the sticky section for reference. These views often conflicted with approaches offered by my therapist, and he specialized in addiction medicine. It also conflicted with the family therapist, and also the Christian counselor we saw last year as a couple. The views of the programs are based solely on AA. Its not a criticism, its just a fact.

Learning14

For what it is worth, I'm not active in Al-Anon or AA and I agreed with everything that was written from the other members.

It's not that I didn't agree with Alicia, but I felt it was more the "apples and oranges" (married vs. dating for 3 months).