Can I Still Help Him?
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Nita, I have been "you"..Many if not most of us here have been. I think the self behaviour you describe in your "red flag" post is something most of us can relate to. I lived that way for a couple decades. ( late teens through late 30s) It got to be a heavy burden to bear, especially when my own world was collapsing and I had to keep up appearances. Ugggggg, the self imposed prison I was in, all because, in my case, I was too prideful to reach out. Well, as they say, "Pride goeth before a fall".... I fell a long ways and the landing sucked.
When I admitted that I really was a bigger problem to myself and my health than anyone else was, including my drunk (now ex)husband, my life really did start to change for the better. The growing pains were horrendous, but oh so worth it.
I think your insights into your own behaviors are invaluable. You should have many more talks with yourself.
Hang in there. Hugs.
When I admitted that I really was a bigger problem to myself and my health than anyone else was, including my drunk (now ex)husband, my life really did start to change for the better. The growing pains were horrendous, but oh so worth it.
I think your insights into your own behaviors are invaluable. You should have many more talks with yourself.
Hang in there. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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If anyone ever sat me down to ask what emotional issues I'm struggling with, I'd reply "I'm fine." and then offer to help them with something.
Yup, you can’t help someone who is not willing to help themselves!
Funny how we often mirror the alcoholics in our lives that way.
Yup, you can’t help someone who is not willing to help themselves!
Funny how we often mirror the alcoholics in our lives that way.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
let me ask you this: if i were to be doing this waincotting, how would you expect me to do it?"
"well, id expect you to do the best you could."
my friend slammed me against the wall and said,"you have to do it perfectly yet im just supposed to do it as good as i can. what makes you think youre so much better than me?"
HUH!!! he sure helped me with some humility- helped me see how pride and ego were actually destroying me.
"well, id expect you to do the best you could."
my friend slammed me against the wall and said,"you have to do it perfectly yet im just supposed to do it as good as i can. what makes you think youre so much better than me?"
HUH!!! he sure helped me with some humility- helped me see how pride and ego were actually destroying me.
I have these conflicting ideas on a lot of things. I will give the last bite of my food to a person wanting it even if I was starving and needed it. Yet, I'm a little selfish in that I wouldn't have offered to feed that person if I weren't getting something out of it....that feeling that I've made a difference at the expense of my own. Is that ego driven? Is it being a poor sport? Is it doing good for the sake of something other than feeling good? I never go back to the people I've helped and call in favors. Pride won't allow it. Plus, why give with your whole heart just to turn around and write them an I-O-U? I don't make people accountable to me, but I'm accountable to myself. And I'm "starving" because of it.
That's why his alcoholism is sooooo hard for me. I want everything I choose in my life to be perfect. For the things that aren't, I want to fix it. I want to save the world. But his addition is imperfect and I can't fix it. I am giving him the symbolic last bite off my plate and making myself hungry. But that feeling that I've made a difference for just that moment is enough of a "helper's high" to sustain me. But this alcoholism thing is a constant struggle between what it means to help and what it means to enable. Sustainability is fleeting. But my willingness to give and my damned attempt at trying to fix everything is a pitfall. Not just in the world of alcoholism, but in general. This is just the first time I have outwardly admitted to struggle. This is also the first time I've met a match I can't beat.
"Losing" at anything in life usually allows for a rematch of sorts. I go back, I re-evaluate what I did wrong, take corrective action, practice, perfect, win in the next round.
The emotional struggle this is giving me and the collapse of the norm is difficult to adjust to even after "letting go." And it's obvious that I haven't fully let go, I'm still thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it, and trying to find ways to improve his life even though I'm "not involved."
Admission of weakness---- I went to the hospital last night. I went to with intentions on visiting him. I made it up the elevator and to the nurses station. Before I could ask what room he was in, I heard an old man yelling through the hall. The nurse said that he was confused and mentally ill and she wished someone would come visit with him because that's all he really needed.....someone to sit and talk to him until he fell asleep and would stop screaming.
I'm not super religious, but I do believe in a higher power. Maybe in that moment, God decided that it was best for me to not go through with visiting my boyfriend and spend time with a lonely old man who needed someone like me. I visited for an hour. We didn't really talk. He just needed the security of someone else's presence to help him feel secure. I helped that old man. I helped those nurses. Maybe I helped myself by avoiding the visit with my boyfriend. But I left that hospital so unfulfilled and for the first time in my life, helping felt like hurting and it felt like loss.
Now, I'm spending today unfocused on the work and the job I'm so proud of. I'm abandoning my normal tasks and assignments. I'm having an emotional breakdown. Because I feel like a disappointment to myself. I feel like I'm losing.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Nita, I have been "you"..Many if not most of us here have been. I think the self behaviour you describe in your "red flag" post is something most of us can relate to. I lived that way for a couple decades. ( late teens through late 30s) It got to be a heavy burden to bear, especially when my own world was collapsing and I had to keep up appearances. Ugggggg, the self imposed prison I was in, all because, in my case, I was too prideful to reach out. Well, as they say, "Pride goeth before a fall".... I fell a long ways and the landing sucked.
When I admitted that I really was a bigger problem to myself and my health than anyone else was, including my drunk (now ex)husband, my life really did start to change for the better. The growing pains were horrendous, but oh so worth it.
I think your insights into your own behaviors are invaluable. You should have many more talks with yourself.
Hang in there. Hugs.
When I admitted that I really was a bigger problem to myself and my health than anyone else was, including my drunk (now ex)husband, my life really did start to change for the better. The growing pains were horrendous, but oh so worth it.
I think your insights into your own behaviors are invaluable. You should have many more talks with yourself.
Hang in there. Hugs.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
I used to pick bad boys too. That way I could be the better one in the relationship.
Problem was - when I couldn't, "fix" them, that was a failure in my view. So I had to try again with a new bad boy.
I think with the insight you've shown in your last few posts, you are on the way to finding solutions. There is a middle ground, and it isn't, "getting it right," every time. When other people are involved, and when addiction is involved, I'll take the white flag Every. Time.
That knowledge came with a very high price. Yin and yang - me doing good and them being my alter-ego.
Until it broke me.
Hugs, nita.
Problem was - when I couldn't, "fix" them, that was a failure in my view. So I had to try again with a new bad boy.
I think with the insight you've shown in your last few posts, you are on the way to finding solutions. There is a middle ground, and it isn't, "getting it right," every time. When other people are involved, and when addiction is involved, I'll take the white flag Every. Time.
That knowledge came with a very high price. Yin and yang - me doing good and them being my alter-ego.
Until it broke me.
Hugs, nita.
In a way, I find that to be a gold star. At the same time, I wish I would have let this happen a little sooner in life.
I spent 18 years trying to kick the dust of that little town off my boots. I always told myself that I would never settle for a guy back home. There was nothing in this world going to trap me in that town and I was going to be with someone as upwardly mobile as I was. I wanted bigger things from my relationships and I sought after them.
Had it once and for a long time. Upward mobility got the best of us and we fell HARD.
And then, of all the gin joints in all the world, I walked into a bar back home and saw him sitting there. Smart, funny, good looking. A blast from the past. He'd really grown up since I last saw him at the age of 14. And then he said, "You know, I was scared back then, you being so much older than me and a friend of my sister's, but I have always had the biggest crush on you." And then we danced and my world changed forever..... like a Hallmark movie where the big successful city girl goes home for the holidays to find that the boy she left there was the true love of her life.
Boy was I wrong! He hides his alcoholism well. Even after 3 months of battling through it with him, my friends and family are unaware. He's a smooth talker and high functioning. He's fun and people like him. My friends told me that he was the type of guy who was good for me.....but they don't know he's an alcoholic. They haven't seen what happens when the part is over.
Some codependent truth---- They've all been told that his trips to the ER are related to anxiety and complications due to the medications he's been given to ease his anxiety. Not entirely untrue---- his medications mixed with his drinking have pushed the fast forward button on liver disease and brain damage.
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Originally Posted by nitabug0107
Maybe the red flags aren't his alcoholism. They aren't his parents, the police, or the countless healthcare professionals I've met in the last few months. The red flags are my own! He's been surviving this long. He seems set in his ways and very happy to down a handle of Jim Beam in one night....and somehow survive it!
Just two things that come to mind. The term "nervous breakdown" is real.
You want people to let you do what you do, you drive yourself. In this instance it might be good to just let him do what he would like to do.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes.
In this instance it might be good to just let him do what he would like to do.
In this instance it might be good to just let him do what he would like to do.
If he chooses to go back to drinking, he's essentially choosing to kill himself.
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Dang - i'm sure I'm not the only one that your last few posts resonate with.
If I could make a graph of your lightspeed shift from page one of this initial post to where you are on this page 7, we may have to reconsider the theory of relativity.
You've identified your $h!t pretty clearly....a book that helped me start fixing mine (because you know how we like to fix EVERYTHING) was Conquering Codependency and Shame. It digs right into the roots of all those 'symptoms' that so many of us share.
Doing things perfectly or being perfect is no longer my knee jerk need, and re-soldering those broken grounds that caused us to do what we did, think what we thought has helped me so much with those issues. We're human too - we can make mistakes too - what a concept! There is no peace like letting go and adding ourselves to the list of people we've forgiven and provided forbearance for. You sound great, and your hospital story gave me goosebumps. Thank you!
And I kinda want your red flags post about yourself to be a sticky, I suspect I'm not the only one it hit home with.
If I could make a graph of your lightspeed shift from page one of this initial post to where you are on this page 7, we may have to reconsider the theory of relativity.
You've identified your $h!t pretty clearly....a book that helped me start fixing mine (because you know how we like to fix EVERYTHING) was Conquering Codependency and Shame. It digs right into the roots of all those 'symptoms' that so many of us share.
Doing things perfectly or being perfect is no longer my knee jerk need, and re-soldering those broken grounds that caused us to do what we did, think what we thought has helped me so much with those issues. We're human too - we can make mistakes too - what a concept! There is no peace like letting go and adding ourselves to the list of people we've forgiven and provided forbearance for. You sound great, and your hospital story gave me goosebumps. Thank you!
And I kinda want your red flags post about yourself to be a sticky, I suspect I'm not the only one it hit home with.
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I have a couple of questions, but of course you don't have to answer if they are too personal.
How did you handle the end of your 8 year relationship? Did you allow yourself to grieve? Im thinking because he took the action of going after financial assets, maybe it made it easy for you to switch to a mode of fighting him and winning in court. Possibly it allowed you to skip emotions of loss and maybe even betrayal?
One day I was thinking about myself. And I got kinda upset. This may seem silly, but Ive never been told I cant do something. Everyone in my life has always said, you can do anything you want. You can handle anything life throws at you. We have confidence in you.
But like I said in one of my posts. What happened with my husband tested me down to the core.
When you said you had seen this therapist before? Have you been honest with him about how you feel on the inside? What you wrote above might be a good thing to show him? I think you can rationalize the situation with the boyfriend in time and move on from him. I feel your fighting spirit will allow you to sort that out.
Sometimes when we are headed one direction, other opportunities enter and we deviate to that path. So maybe the Win in all this could be - realizing this experience was not about him, but about you. If it helps you address some of the frustration/pain you've been denying? Isnt that a productive thing? Isnt that a win? That might even be considered a gift he can give you? Instead of giving - your getting the gift of self examination. Even that elderly man. It sounds like he gave you the gift of feeling self inflicted pain which allowed you to open up with emotion.
How did you handle the end of your 8 year relationship? Did you allow yourself to grieve? Im thinking because he took the action of going after financial assets, maybe it made it easy for you to switch to a mode of fighting him and winning in court. Possibly it allowed you to skip emotions of loss and maybe even betrayal?
One day I was thinking about myself. And I got kinda upset. This may seem silly, but Ive never been told I cant do something. Everyone in my life has always said, you can do anything you want. You can handle anything life throws at you. We have confidence in you.
But like I said in one of my posts. What happened with my husband tested me down to the core.
When you said you had seen this therapist before? Have you been honest with him about how you feel on the inside? What you wrote above might be a good thing to show him? I think you can rationalize the situation with the boyfriend in time and move on from him. I feel your fighting spirit will allow you to sort that out.
Sometimes when we are headed one direction, other opportunities enter and we deviate to that path. So maybe the Win in all this could be - realizing this experience was not about him, but about you. If it helps you address some of the frustration/pain you've been denying? Isnt that a productive thing? Isnt that a win? That might even be considered a gift he can give you? Instead of giving - your getting the gift of self examination. Even that elderly man. It sounds like he gave you the gift of feeling self inflicted pain which allowed you to open up with emotion.
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Originally Posted by nitabug0107
Well, if he makes it out of the hospital and goes to rehab, it would be a blessing.
If he chooses to go back to drinking, he's essentially choosing to kill himself.
If he chooses to go back to drinking, he's essentially choosing to kill himself.
I researched what was available in our state because I would have gladly used it to get help for my husband if it had come to that. A lot of states are becoming more flexible in helping families force treatment because it saves lives.
I don't accept rock bottom ideas, or until they want it more than their last breath ideas because when someone's brain is damaged from alcohol or drugs there is a loss of rational thinking . Brains heal usually, but not until the damage stops.
And look what happened with you. Look how you opened up after sharing, talking, being asked questions.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Dang - i'm sure I'm not the only one that your last few posts resonate with.
If I could make a graph of your lightspeed shift from page one of this initial post to where you are on this page 7, we may have to reconsider the theory of relativity.
You've identified your $h!t pretty clearly....a book that helped me start fixing mine (because you know how we like to fix EVERYTHING) was Conquering Codependency and Shame. It digs right into the roots of all those 'symptoms' that so many of us share.
Doing things perfectly or being perfect is no longer my knee jerk need, and re-soldering those broken grounds that caused us to do what we did, think what we thought has helped me so much with those issues. We're human too - we can make mistakes too - what a concept! There is no peace like letting go and adding ourselves to the list of people we've forgiven and provided forbearance for. You sound great, and your hospital story gave me goosebumps. Thank you!
And I kinda want your red flags post about yourself to be a sticky, I suspect I'm not the only one it hit home with.
If I could make a graph of your lightspeed shift from page one of this initial post to where you are on this page 7, we may have to reconsider the theory of relativity.
You've identified your $h!t pretty clearly....a book that helped me start fixing mine (because you know how we like to fix EVERYTHING) was Conquering Codependency and Shame. It digs right into the roots of all those 'symptoms' that so many of us share.
Doing things perfectly or being perfect is no longer my knee jerk need, and re-soldering those broken grounds that caused us to do what we did, think what we thought has helped me so much with those issues. We're human too - we can make mistakes too - what a concept! There is no peace like letting go and adding ourselves to the list of people we've forgiven and provided forbearance for. You sound great, and your hospital story gave me goosebumps. Thank you!
And I kinda want your red flags post about yourself to be a sticky, I suspect I'm not the only one it hit home with.
I'm not a Saint. I appreciate that you were touched by what I did at the hospital. My great grandmother died of dementia and so the elderly and people with mental health/dementia/Alzheimer's have a special place in my heart. I use to volunteer at a nursing home and visit with patients suffering all the time. I don't do things like that to get pats on the back.....although it does feel good when someone sees the good I'm doing.
I have always thought that going the extra mile without being asked was my small way of changing the world. As a Girl Scout, I was taught that girls can change the world and fight to make a difference. I generally stick to the "always leave something than you found it" mantra in my Girl Scout Guide Book.
I don't know what it means to make something a sticky. But if that is something the overall seems to agree with, I don't see why not. I'm not ashamed of my ranting and if my story serves to inspire others, then let that be just another small change in the world.
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Originally Posted by nitabug0107
I bounce back rather quickly because all in all, I'm actually too intelligent for this game. But then maybe that's why I'm driven to keep up the fight....I'm smart enough to act stupid.
All those strengths you listed in your post? Perfectionism, strength, martyrdom; check, check, check! ~for most of us here in this forum. We over-function as a general rule. These are to-the-core Codie traits & they don't just come from being exposed to addiction - they are the result of living with all forms of dysfunction.
If you REALLY want to create a change in the world nita, start with you. Disentangle yourself from this mess that you landed in (until Nov you hadn't seen him since the age of FOURTEEN!) & spend that time & energy getting to the core of You so that you don't have to repeat these (or worse) mistakes in the future.
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Originally Posted by aliciagr
I have a couple of questions, but of course you don't have to answer if they are too personal.
How did you handle the end of your 8 year relationship? Did you allow yourself to grieve? Im thinking because he took the action of going after financial assets, maybe it made it easy for you to switch to a mode of fighting him and winning in court. Possibly it allowed you to skip emotions of loss and maybe even betrayal?
How did you handle the end of your 8 year relationship? Did you allow yourself to grieve? Im thinking because he took the action of going after financial assets, maybe it made it easy for you to switch to a mode of fighting him and winning in court. Possibly it allowed you to skip emotions of loss and maybe even betrayal?
The process took several months. I did a lot of soul searching. I did a lot of goal setting. I kept myself extremely busy. It was much easier to get over him once I'd cleared the apartment of his pictures and got rid of things that reminded me of him. I still have a few pictures and of course, we were together for a very long time.....his memory and impact in my life will always be. And I will always love the person he was for me and with me when times were good. Love doesn't die, it just takes new form.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
When you said you had seen this therapist before? Have you been honest with him about how you feel on the inside? What you wrote above might be a good thing to show him?
I can be somewhat censored if I'm told to just talk out loud. I'm an open book as long as I'm asked direct questions. If I'm not volunteering the information, ask me anything and I'll readily respond. Perhaps I should print that page and take it with me....it's kind of insightful.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Sometimes when we are headed one direction, other opportunities enter and we deviate to that path. So maybe the Win in all this could be - realizing this experience was not about him, but about you. If it helps you address some of the frustration/pain you've been denying? Isnt that a productive thing? Isnt that a win? That might even be considered a gift he can give you? Instead of giving - your getting the gift of self examination. Even that elderly man. It sounds like he gave you the gift of feeling self inflicted pain which allowed you to open up with emotion.
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Originally Posted by aliciagr
I think your suggestions to his mom about speaking to his attorney, and a hospital social worker were very good. it sounds like he has been Marchman Acted 2x, and has the outstanding DUI.
I don't accept rock bottom ideas, or until they want it more than their last breath ideas because when someone's brain is damaged from alcohol or drugs there is a loss of rational thinking . Brains heal usually, but not until the damage stops.
And look what happened with you. Look how you opened up after sharing, talking, being asked questions.
I don't accept rock bottom ideas, or until they want it more than their last breath ideas because when someone's brain is damaged from alcohol or drugs there is a loss of rational thinking . Brains heal usually, but not until the damage stops.
And look what happened with you. Look how you opened up after sharing, talking, being asked questions.
I dont' accept rock bottom either. Rock bottom means he's already dead and was left without a fighting chance.
Once during a church lesson about Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus, I completely misinterpreted what I was being taught. The pastor said, "Don't wait for your friends to decide. Don't wait for some other reason. Get out of the boat." He didn't want people to be ashamed of accepting the Lord.
For some reason I took his "Get out of the boat." message to mean "Don't let any person or object get in the way for fear of judgement. Get out of the boat. Go toward the end goal....in EVERYTHING." The message had nothing to do with being saved by the Grace of God, but everything to do with fighting the good fight my whole life. To be an example and to be like Jesus in putting my hand out and saying to Peter, "Come."
I don't have a God complex....that I know of.
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Originally Posted by nitabug0107
If the mission was to save him, that meant I had to save all parts of him, including his family. I share my differences with his mother, but that doesn't mean she is any less deserving of whatever help/peace of mind I can offer. I'm a big believer in searching out untapped resources. My attorney helped me a lot through some of the garbage I handled with my ex....they have a lot of information on what you can/can not do to prevent someone from hurting you and yourself.
I dont' accept rock bottom either. Rock bottom means he's already dead and was left without a fighting chance.
Once during a church lesson about Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus, I completely misinterpreted what I was being taught. The pastor said, "Don't wait for your friends to decide. Don't wait for some other reason. Get out of the boat." He didn't want people to be ashamed of accepting the Lord.
For some reason I took his "Get out of the boat." message to mean "Don't let any person or object get in the way for fear of judgement. Get out of the boat. Go toward the end goal....in EVERYTHING." The message had nothing to do with being saved by the Grace of God, but everything to do with fighting the good fight my whole life. To be an example and to be like Jesus in putting my hand out and saying to Peter, "Come."
I don't have a God complex....that I know of.
I dont' accept rock bottom either. Rock bottom means he's already dead and was left without a fighting chance.
Once during a church lesson about Peter getting out of the boat and walking to Jesus, I completely misinterpreted what I was being taught. The pastor said, "Don't wait for your friends to decide. Don't wait for some other reason. Get out of the boat." He didn't want people to be ashamed of accepting the Lord.
For some reason I took his "Get out of the boat." message to mean "Don't let any person or object get in the way for fear of judgement. Get out of the boat. Go toward the end goal....in EVERYTHING." The message had nothing to do with being saved by the Grace of God, but everything to do with fighting the good fight my whole life. To be an example and to be like Jesus in putting my hand out and saying to Peter, "Come."
I don't have a God complex....that I know of.
The answer to giving too much, isn't to stop giving in my opinion. Its to examine what the "action of giving" is fulfilling. Is it helpful, is it harmful and in what quantities. Like the therapist said - boundaries.
Im finding out so much of life is about being able to handle my emotions. The work I do requires me to deal with people, and I have to remain objective and look at facts. Getting too emotionally involved prevents me from doing what Im supposed to do. Again its about knowing myself and having boundaries based on my limits.
I had another question. You went to the hospital and sat with the elderly man and took that detour. But you made the choice not to go see the boyfriend after. not to cut your visit with the other man short if time was an issue. So what were you feeling? What made you decide no. Im not going to visit him? I think it was self care, knowing your limits at least for the night? You've shown boundaries and limits even in the chaotic times, don't forget that.
I don't distinguish addiction from other medical issues. There are limits on what we as humans can do to help other people who have physical, mental, emotional problems. In addiction to that there are limits on what we can give of our self to provide support, encouragement, or other forms of aid to others. It doesn't mean we can give nothing, it means we find a healthy balance on an individual basis. I think once my therapist suggested I use cost/benefit analysis approach to help me keep things in perspective.
I was reading this article the other day, and it fits in to some degree as to what you posted above. This is only a section from the full article shown here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/addict...out-addiction/
The Apostle Paul is Our Teacher
When we don’t quite know what to do to help, we can turn to the Apostle Paul for guidance. He knew the importance of caring for others, and wrote many instructions that still apply to us today. For instance, Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Here, Paul echoes the desires of Jesus. Next, Paul gets practical.
1. We are to welcome those who are struggling.
Romans 15 says to “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Can we seek out those in our midst who need recovery—not to shame them, but to let them know we care?
2. We are to be sensitive to those who are struggling.
In Romans 14, Paul uses food as an example: “Now receive the one who is weak in the faith, and do not have disputes over differing opinions...For although all things are clean, it is wrong to cause anyone to stumble by what you eat. It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything that causes your brother to stumble.” Can we learn to appreciate the difficulty of addictive diseases and encourage people who live with them?
3. We are to be willing to meet needs of those who are struggling.
Romans 12 encourages us to “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Can we be ready to give our time, our prayers and our skills to offer meaningful help to others?
One other teaching Paul gives us is important to remember here - “Let us not become weary in doing good…” Addictive behaviors usually do not change quickly. Recovery truly is a journey, and Christians need other believers in their support system who will stay over the long haul.
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nita, I'm astonished at the velocity with which you've processed the events
and the ability you have for clear and focused self-examination.
I do think there is much to be learned from this situation, and that in an odd way
it may be helping you to release the emotion from the previous relationship.
The lessons I've taken from addiction, of which there are many,
as I have been a child of alcoholic, in relationships with several alcoholics,
and finally became one myself, are hard-won but strangely precious to me now.
Compassion for anyone involved in addiction is important.
Compassion for yourself in dealing with addicts--being clear what your limits are,
for example, was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn.
It was worse than drinking in many respects.
What I see from your posts is a wonderful, talented, empathetic person
who has spread herself too thin trying to be perfect and meet others needs and expectations
but who knows this and is in the process of change?
You can love, and love deeply, without direct contact.
If direct contact is too draining on your already strained internal resources,
it's perfectly OK to step back and recharge.
You know this, but I don't sense you've given yourself full permission to act on it yet.
Maybe that's one reason you left after visiting the old man?
This thread has been very helpful to me, and I want to thank you and all the other posters for your insights and wisdom.
and the ability you have for clear and focused self-examination.
I do think there is much to be learned from this situation, and that in an odd way
it may be helping you to release the emotion from the previous relationship.
The lessons I've taken from addiction, of which there are many,
as I have been a child of alcoholic, in relationships with several alcoholics,
and finally became one myself, are hard-won but strangely precious to me now.
Compassion for anyone involved in addiction is important.
Compassion for yourself in dealing with addicts--being clear what your limits are,
for example, was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn.
It was worse than drinking in many respects.
What I see from your posts is a wonderful, talented, empathetic person
who has spread herself too thin trying to be perfect and meet others needs and expectations
but who knows this and is in the process of change?
You can love, and love deeply, without direct contact.
If direct contact is too draining on your already strained internal resources,
it's perfectly OK to step back and recharge.
You know this, but I don't sense you've given yourself full permission to act on it yet.
Maybe that's one reason you left after visiting the old man?
This thread has been very helpful to me, and I want to thank you and all the other posters for your insights and wisdom.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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its important to remember that Romans is addressing brothers and sisters in Christ and instructing on how to treat other brothers and sisters:
Romans 1;1-7
Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, 2 which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, 3 concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh 4 and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, 5 through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, 6 including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ,
7To all those in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints:
the bible also tells us to guard our hearts.
i think the lesson of peter getting out of the boat is about faith in the Lord
Matthew 14:22-32
27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.”
28 And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”
31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
Romans 1;1-7
Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, 2 which he promised beforehand through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, 3 concerning his Son, who was descended from David according to the flesh 4 and was declared to be the Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness by his resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord, 5 through whom we have received grace and apostleship to bring about the obedience of faith for the sake of his name among all the nations, 6 including you who are called to belong to Jesus Christ,
7To all those in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints:
the bible also tells us to guard our hearts.
i think the lesson of peter getting out of the boat is about faith in the Lord
Matthew 14:22-32
27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.”
28 And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”
29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”
31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I had another question. You went to the hospital and sat with the elderly man and took that detour. But you made the choice not to go see the boyfriend after. not to cut your visit with the other man short if time was an issue. So what were you feeling? What made you decide no. Im not going to visit him? I think it was self care, knowing your limits at least for the night? You've shown boundaries and limits even in the chaotic times, don't forget that.
I was reading this article the other day, and it fits in to some degree as to what you posted above. This is only a section from the full article shown here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/addict...out-addiction/
Recovery truly is a journey, and Christians need other believers in their support system who will stay over the long haul.
2. Thank you for the scripture and the link to the article. I will have to read it more closely later. I do hope that the path he has chosen is enough for him to find peace and full recovery. He has chosen to do outpatient care with therapy and a 12-step program. He's still fighting the DUI and his lawyer thinks his enrollment in the program is a good look moving forward. I think his lawyer is handling this like it's a one-time incident rather than a life of addiction that finally caught up to him. I wish there was some way to ask the judge to issue mandatory inpatient care.
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