kevlarsjal

I had a therapy session today and talked to her about my relationship. I'm in my late twenties, a recovering alcoholic, sober for nearly half a year. My boyfriend is 12 years older, also a recovering alcoholic, sober for 4.5 years. He never did step work nor has seen a therapist.

We're together for nearly a year, we don't live together and have no kids together.

Over the past months I noticed that whenever I am sad over something he can't help me with or when I am hurt by something he said or did or I am sad about something related to him/ our relationship, he gets extremely stressed and angry with me. He'll shout at me and insult me. He'll tell me to f*ck off and when I leave he'll say that he will take it personally when I leave and that it'll make him angry.
When he gets so angry and shouts and throws things around I get scared and I cry. Which makes him even more angry. He said it makes him angry when I cry cause he feels helpless or like a bad boyfriend.

My therapist said today that he has no right to shout at me and say those things to me, that it's abusive. She also said that he can't justify his shouting by my crying. (He says that if i can't control my crying he can't control his shouting or insulting me) She said that's manipulative.

I am shocked by what she said and I need to hear other opinions. I wish I could ask my boyfriend what his point of view is but I think that's probably a bad idea. Especially cause it's angry with me at the moment and doesn't want to talk to me or see me these days.

I always thought I was the one not being good enough at explaining myself and accidentally making him feel attackt and that it was justified for him to shout at me. I always thought it was me who provoked it. I never really saw it that way that he's an adult and could maybe choose to behave differently. This confuses me a lot and I don't know what to think cause when he's not angry he's the most wonderful, caring, loving and supportive person in my life.

I don't know what to do with this new information. Help please :-(

AnvilheadII

he definitely has anger control issues. and yes it IS abuse. yelling, name calling, throwing things. unacceptable. and it's not your fault. it is harmful to your self esteem and possibly harmful to your person if he goes too far. considering he is "sober" that is even more disturbing.

it's a lot to take in. i am very glad to hear that you do NOT live together. that you have a safe space. i wouldn't recommend talking to him about this - it's too fresh and he's too volatile. he'll just blame you anyways.

this is not your fault.
this is not your fault.
this is not your fault.

Forward12

People can be abusive and nasty, even when alcohol is out of the picture, and this sounds like a classic case. You are not in the wrong at all, he just sounds like a complete ass that you should really start re-thinking about this relationship...

LexieCat

What he does IS abusive. It affects you in negative ways and causes you to blame yourself for his anger.

There are some people who have anger issues. They don't know how to control it, and lash out at any perceived slight or provocation. Anger management or psychological treatment can help them learn better ways to express and deal with anger.

However, there are ALSO men (who, in my experience at least) who are what I would consider "abusive." They use abuse as a tool to control their partners or kids. Such men don't direct their rage at other people, and they use it in a very specific way--to make the victim behave the way they want them to behave.

Let me ask you this. Does he get angry if you don't dress the way he wants you to? Does he get angry if you spend time with friends he doesn't like? Does he try to control what you spend money on? Does he get angry because you aren't paying enough attention to him? If someone were to walk in on you during one of these tirades, would he instantly calm down and try to make it appear nothing is wrong? Those are all signs that he will continue to abuse you and it may well escalate to physical abuse at some point.

On the other hand, does he rage at other people in traffic? Has he gotten in trouble at work for flying off the handle at co-workers or subordinates? Does he yell at everybody? Get into fights? Those might be signs of an anger management problem that doesn't pose a risk to you, specifically.

The thing is, regardless of the source of his anger, nobody deserves to be a target, or to be yelled at or not allowed to express their feelings. Seems like a pretty poor tradeoff for the good times.

NewRomanMan

Your therapist is spot on and 100% correct. No offense, but your bf doesn't sound very mature or very nice. In fact, he sounds like a bit of an as****e. No one and I mean NO ONE should have to put up with abuse.

kevlarsjal

Thank you all for your honest opinions. Hearing that breaks my heart though. I'm just sitting her, crying. I love him very much and I still think he's the 'one' but now I'm very confused and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I wish he would maybe work on his anger problems. But I don't dare to address that. I suggested he might find therapy helpful (it's included in our health insurance so the costs are no issue) and he said yes maybe but he doesn't really seem to have this as a priority. I didn't suggest it in connection to his anger but to his addiction and depression.

LexieCat, from what you say it's definitely the anger issues, he gets furious whenever something doesn't go as planned and often overreacts to a way where I feel uncomfortable about his behaviour. If we cook together and then discover that we're lacking one ingredient he wants to through out the whole food and he often just explodes out of nowhere and throws things around and swears. I haven't noticed him having an anger outburst in public or directed at other people though.

But when he says mean things to me like blaming me for being emotionally weird cause I'm a woman, saying that my periods cost him his nerves, that I'm out of character when I'm insecure and sad or that I know how to **** him off cause I'm a woman, that doesn't just sound like anger to me. Now he ignores me for the whole day because according to him I'm so horrible that he couldn't even go into work today. He won't give me any confirmation that he still likes me or anything. These situations are like hell to me. I just sit there and wait for him to be nice again.

This makes me all so sad. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him. And most part of me thinks that there sure must be a reason for his behaviour that it's caused by me, cause I'm too insecure and emotional at the moment like he says. It sounds so unrealistic to me to say that I deserve to be treated in a different way. I come from a dysfunctional family and was always shouted at, pulled, pushed, punished, neglected and I always thought it was my fault. Partly I still think like that because nearly everyone seems to be treating me like this, so then it must be my fault? Maybe my behaviour just provokes people and makes them angry, maybe I'm too much and get on everyone's nerves.

I honestly don't know what to do or think. I guess I'm still shocked by what my therapist said.

If it was my fault then I could at least try to 'fix' the situation and apologise like I would normally do. But if it's not my fault that he treats me that way then what should I do??

dandylion

Do you feel obligated to stay with this person?
Love is not supposed to hurt
Love does not abuse
Love is compassionate and kind

What he is doing is wrong. It is not your fault. the fault and the shame is on him...

AnvilheadII

But if it's not my fault that he treats me that way then what should I do??

what you were NOT able to do as a child growing up in an abusive, dysfunctional situation..........WALK AWAY.

Now he ignores me for the whole day because according to him I'm so horrible that he couldn't even go into work today.

well, at least if you get out of the way, his work attendance should improve??? seriously, this man has problems and right now you are his target. i worry the longer you stay, the more under his control you will get, the more you will feel it IS your fault, your responsibility and you end up trying endlessly to please someone who CANNOT be pleased.

SparkleKitty

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

There is no such thing as 'the One'. That's a fiction that sells tickets to movies.

Personally I think love is about timing and circumstances. The best thing for us to do is to develop the healthiest relationship with ourselves that we can so that when someone comes along who makes our toes curl and is in a healthy place themselves, we are available for sparks to fly.

NewRomanMan

I'm sorry you're going thru this. He's not worth your time or effort. He's just not. An emotionally mature man doesn't treat someone he claims to love this way. And if he has anger issues, he makes an honest and sincere effort to work on them. It's all about action, not words. Is he doing any of those things for you? Does he apologize? Or does he keep making excuses? Is this really the kind of relationship that YOU want? I would hope not. Because you deserve far better.

kevlarsjal

I think I don't want to leave him. Although it's getting worse, situations like this are relatively rare, maybe every other month. It's always cause I am bad at communicating my thoughts and then I make it sound like I just want to attack him or like I don't trust him. But I never mean it like that.

And when we don't have these kinds of problems, he's the nicest anyone has ever been. He always listens to my problems and worries and usually is very good at understanding me and giving support and love. It's just when my problems are in any way related to him. Then it ends in a disaster.

I don't think he knows he has anger issues, he plays them down and when I said something about them before he asked whether he's no longer allowed to have feelings and express them. He said it's the same thing like with my crying. If I think it's okay to express my emotions he should be allowed to express his anger.

SparkleKitty

It is not because you are "bad at communicating your thoughts."

As a couple, you are GOING to have problems that are "related to each other," and it is not acceptable for that to "end in disaster" every time you bring them up. That's emotional blackmail, and no way for a healthy relationship to function.

There is also an enormous difference between "expressing anger" and being abusive.

Alan6154

If he treats you this way and you're his girlfriend how do you think he will treat you if you become his wife?

He is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship. And abuse should NEVER be tolerated be it verbal or physical. Couples argue, that's a given. No two people are going to see eye to eye together 100% of the time. But the way it sounds, he is throwing a temper tantrum like an adolescent.

AnvilheadII

You might want to look into the Cycle of Abuse. While below the stress is upon PHYSICAL abuse, you could insert VERBAL abuse and explain your current situation, with the understanding that things could easily escalate to physical harm.

This cycle has three parts:

Tension building phase—Tension builds over common domestic issues like money, children or jobs. Verbal abuse begins. The victim tries to control the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in or avoiding the abuse. None of these will stop the violence. Eventually, the tension reaches a boiling point and physical abuse begins.

Acute battering episode—When the tension peaks, the physical violence begins. It is usually triggered by the presence of an external event or by the abuser’s emotional state—but not by the victim’s behavior. This means the start of the battering episode is unpredictable and beyond the victim’s control. However, some experts believe that in some cases victims may unconsciously provoke the abuse so they can release the tension, and move on to the honeymoon phase.

The honeymoon phase—First, the abuser is ashamed of his behavior. He expresses remorse, tries to minimize the abuse and might even blame it on the partner. He may then exhibit loving, kind behavior followed by apologies, generosity and helpfulness. He will genuinely attempt to convince the partner that the abuse will not happen again. This loving and contrite behavior strengthens the bond between the partners and will probably convince the victim, once again, that leaving the relationship is not necessary.

This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.

LexieCat

Nothing that you do is an excuse for him to scream at you or call you names or do any of the other things he does. Period. In all likelihood this behavior will escalate, and you will become increasingly exhausted and demoralized. It is impossible for two people not to annoy or make each other angry once in a while. Verbal or emotional abuse is never an acceptable response.

Do you suppose HE is losing any sleep about making YOU feel bad, the way you're blaming yourself for his outbursts? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he thinks this is perfectly OK.

kevlarsjal

I hope I don't sound too stupid asking this, but isn't it normal for a man to shout, swear and insult/ blame others when they're angry? My dad does this. My exes did this. And I cry when I'm shouted at. And that makes them more angry. It seems like an evil circle. I always thought my crying was just as bad as their anger?

My BF says I do the emotional blackmailing with my crying.

What would expressing anger look normally then? Sorry for asking this. It's just that I'm totally confused.

He knows Andrea told me that he's emotionally immature and I kind of hope that he'll do some sort of therapy or do the steps to really work on that. He says he will but he hasn't been to AA again or looked for a therapist. But in his defence he's really busy with work lately and then he has to deal with me. And I know I'm a bit difficult these days. I am often sad and insecure.

About the circle of abuse: I'm not sure that's exactly how it goes. I think most of the time I do trigger his anger by my behaviour. Not on purpose. But I ask him things that I should be able to deal with myself. Like I asked him why his ex rings his doorbell at 2 am or why another ex posts a comment on Facebook saying that she needs him in his life and he gave that comment a like or when he wasn't showing much physical interest in me last winter (which he normally does) and I asked why that was and if there was anything wrong with me. Somehow I always make it sound like I think he's an ******* or a bad boyfriend. And then he gets angry. Sometimes I manage to explain how I meant it and then he says he's sorry for thinking that I was just being horrible and so that honeymoon part might be true. As I said I'm very confused.

kevlarsjal

Just saw a typo but can't edit anymore.

"He knows and told me" is what it should be and not Andrea told me. I don't even know any Andrea. Silly autocorrect.

AnvilheadII

but isn't it normal for a man to shout, swear and insult/ blame others when they're angry?

NO especially not the women in their lives, or their children.

dandylion

I, also, want to say to you that it is normal for men to shout, swear, insult, name call, break or throw things and blame others when they are angry......

firebolt

No, it's not normal, and I'm sorry it has been the norm in your life.

Him verbally abusing you when he is angry is not a comparison to you crying.

When I am angry, I say "this makes me angry," and then walk away if I need to until I can come back and discuss things in a calm manner. Then I articulate what hurt me and why i became angry.

How do you conduct yourself when you are angry - with your family or in the work place?

His behavior is abusive and unacceptable, and you deserve much much better. I know leaving is scary, but you are not going to fix him.