mylifeismine

Kev,
I agree with the other posters that you are being harmed by your
boyfriend in this relationship. You have posted many times that
you feel confused by all this and that is the first part of the process
in lifting the denial about what is really going on in your life.

It sounds great that he wants to improve, and my suggestion would
be for both of you to learn conflict resolution. There are many books,
your therapist should be able to give you info, you could go to
counseling together for the purpose of learning it, and there is a lot
of info on the net. This would be putting a "bandaid" on the real
problem, however, it is easy to put into practice and it would reveal
very quickly how sincere he is.

Conflict resolution is all about learning listening skills, not escalating
a disagreement, but actually resolving the issue in a satisfactory way.
You can enforce your boundaries, which might be that you will
leave the room/building if voices are raised or name calling, belittling, etc. starts.

The only person who can love you the way you want and need
to be loved is you.

kevlarsjal

Lexie, I ordered the book but it will take 1-2 weeks. I don't live in an English speaking country and they didn't have it in stock. I will probably get back to this thread when I read it. I have the feeling that it will leave me with lots of questions. Like this whole topic does so far.

I'm sorry for being so slow with responding but after a while I have to step back and give myself time to process all this new information carefully. I do take it very seriously but I also don't want to be unfair to my boyfriend. So until he proves me wrong I trust him.

I send him an article from a psychology magazine with guidelines on how to prevent escalation in arguments. He said he will give it a read and reassured me that he wants us to find a better way to communicate and to understand each other and that he really wants to work on this together.

Dandylion: the issues with my self confidence and not taking care of myself, not listening to myself started long before this relationship. Most of it has to do with my parents, an abusive, alcoholic ex BF (didn't think of him as an alcoholic back then) and a PTSD after being raped.

So far I think my BF is the only person who ever encouraged me to do what I want and to listen to myself. I believe him when he says that he loves me for who I am and that he just wants me to find peace and happiness. That's why it's so hard for me to think he would harm me. I am sure that if he really has abusive tendencies he doesn't do that on purpose.


Anvil: I think I could be okay and somewhat happy on my own if I had good and stable family background or friendships. But I think humans need company to be truly happy. And my 'dream' so to say, is to have kids and a family of my own one day. That's why I think I could live an okay life without it maybe but there would always be something lacking. It's like you're a career oriented person and you would just never feel fulfilled and truly happy as a stay at home mum. I doubt I would feel fulfilled without a family.

Thank you for sharing CrzyGirl! May I ask what you are gonna do in this (somewhat similar) situation?


MLIM, thank you for your post! I already started looking up things online and send some article to my BF who seemed interested. I will see my therapist tomorrow again and talk to her about it. I will also try and talk to my BF about how we could improve our communication and our listening so it won't escalate again.

LexieCat

Is your therapist working with you on the trauma from your previous abusive relationship, and the rape? I think you're probably right, that those experiences messed with your confidence.

I'm not saying this IS the case with you and your b/f, but some abusers are very skilled at choosing their victims based on the kinds of vulnerabilities you have--people who were previously abused/assaulted. Those vulnerabilities can be exploited. So what looks like sincere efforts to be kind and supportive are actually strategies to lure you in.

Like I said, that's not NECESSARILY what's going on here. I just want your mind to be open to all possibilities, particularly when you are still so vulnerable. I'm not suggesting that you can't/shouldn't ever trust anyone again. It's healthy to trust the trustworthy people in this world--and there are a lot of them. But it's not always easy to decide who IS trustworthy, and what I'm seeing is someone who may not be.

Just keep being careful to stay safe, keep working with your therapist, and as I said before, eyes/mind wide open. It will become clearer with time, and with your own recovery. Be very careful not to isolate yourself from other people--or to allow anyone else to isolate you. Even if you want a relationship in your life, being without one is preferable to being in a dangerous one.

kevlarsjal

She is mainly working on my traumatic childhood with me. My mum neglected and abused me emotionally, I was always the outlet for her moods, she didn't give me enough food during her depressing until I became really weak and ill, then she send me off to a psychiatric clinic because she claimed I was troubled. After two months I could leave because they couldn't find anything that was wrong with me apart from being terribly underweighed.
My parents got divorced when I was when I was 7 and my mums biggest interest in my was financial cause it meant she'd get much more money from my dad when I lived with her.
My dad is a 'functioning' alcoholic and has anger issues. He's also bad at dealing with others' emotions. So that's why I'm used to being shouted at for no reason. But he at least always showed interest in me, most of the time at least.
My brother (15 years older) hated me as soon as my mum told him she was pregnant with me. He refused to give me any kind of attention until I was a teenager. Now we're friends but I think it affected me in a bad way as a kid.
I am very much used to tiptoeing around and trying to not upset anyone.

All of them, my parents and my brother, have really big egos, feel attacked easily and get angry / defensive.


We are also working on the rape trauma and other physical violence I experienced during a robbery a few years ago. Plus my addiction, but she doesn't put much focus on that.


Sorry for sharing all of that.

I still haven't received the book you recommended but the shipping info says I should receive it tomorrow or on Tuesday.


Anyway, I thought lots about my boyfriends and my character and behaviour and the dynamics between us.

To me it looks like he has poor skills at controlling his emotions and like he isn't very mature on many levels (not saying that I am, but I am 12 years younger and have 4 years less of sobriety). It bothers me that he has soon 5 years of sobriety and doesn't actively work on this. He went to see a therapist twice, who said he couldn't help him and suggested group therapy which my BF didn't like the idea of. He also went to AA in the beginning but never really tried to do the steps and decided they weren't necessary or suitable for him.

It's a shame cause I feel like steps 4-10 could really help here. Sometimes he does step 4 in a way when he reflects on his behaviour and admits that he feels criticised too easily and might have problems with having a big ego and low self esteem. But he doesn't do anything about it. And he doesn't seem to notice how it affects the people around him. When he speaks about this, he only points out how he should work on that for himself cause it'd make him less of a stress head at work for example.
I mean it's a good start that he admits that it's not good behaviour but it frustrates me that he only sees himself here. Maybe I'm asking for too much?

But I don't think he knowingly or unknowingly chose me because I'd make a good victim. I think it's because he's immature, bad at understanding other people's emotions, is a bit self focused, has in general poor social and emotional skills sometimes and is very insecure himself.
And then there's me who is used to people like him with big egos, that mostly think of their own feelings and are scared of being used or attacked so they react with anger and aren't open to other people's point of views in moments of confrontation. And of course I have developed bad coping mechanisms for these situations.
I think I will be able to pay more attention to this now that I know where it comes from and that it's not normal to be treated like that. I understood that I don't deserve to be shouted at or insulted. And I am working on focusing more on myself and my own feelings.

I also work on not being as codependent. I understand now, that I first have to love myself and treat myself well. And that I can't replace that lack of selflove with a relationship. I told my boyfriend about this, that I worry that I'm looking for the wrong things in our relationship and that I don't want to be codependent on him.

He said he was sorry for maybe enabling that in any way but that he likes to help me because he feels like he's been through much of what I'm going through now. And he said, that he doesn't find that I'm too focused on him from what he sees, as I do have my therapist, AA and friends/family who all help me and who I have regular contact with. But he said that he understands and agrees with the importance of learning to love myself and taking good care of myself and that it would make him happy if I work on that.

aliciagr

I just spent a little while reading through your thread. I think you are to be complimented on how much thought and action you have put into working on all of your own issues. You sound like you have good clarity and also a good support system. Personally I dont see codependency in your posts. But there is obviously some unhealthy interactions going on and it looks like its causing confusion and stress.

I think your boyfriend just needs to grow and work on his communication and interactions. It appears he falls back on unhealthy ways to handle things, gets frustrated, doesnt think things through. I dont think its related to alcohol instead its just underlying issues just like the ones you are addressing. There are a lot of good books on conflict resolution and communication as was mentioned. I think therapy would be good for him, and maybe he could even learn why he responds and feels the way he does. There are reasons behind it. Have you ever considered doing couples counseling? Maybe your personal therapist could recommend someone. My husband and I have used both personal therapy and couples and Im happy with both.

PuzzledHeart

Do you want a partner who has low skills controlling his emotions? A partner, who, in your own words, can't empathize with people, is self-focused, immature and insecure?

Just because you feel sorry for somebody doesn't mean you have to be with him. And pity is a pretty lousy foundation for the relationship that you want with your boyfriend. Pity breeds resentment, as you start making choices that solely benefit your partner and not yourself.

You sound like you have so much on your plate, especially with your own dysfunctional family. Recognizing that that there ARE ways that families, as imperfect as they are, can also be functional is a huge step. People, including my own extended family, can be in such rotten denial about it it is mind-boggling. One of my cousins beat up his younger siblings on such a regular basis that Child Protective Services got involved and put them in foster care. And his parents watched this happen and did not lift a finger.

I remember being a little girl as I was abused by my own nanny, and being anchored in the notion that people were NOT supposed to treat each other this way. I read so many books, observed other families, and vowed that I would never, EVER expose my children to abuse. I was not going to give my children the crappy childhood that was doled out to me or my sister. No exceptions. No compromises. No way.

kevlarsjal

Okay so I finally received that book last week and read quite a bit of it. Here's my updated thoughts:

This weekend was the first in 4 weeks where my BF and I didn't have a fight. Last week he wanted to break up with me. I am currently ill and injured and can't leave the house much. Therefore I couldn't visit him during weeknights like I'd usually do. So we didn't see all week and he was supposed to come over on Friday. He was tired so we agreed on Saturday noon. Saturday he said he'd come over at 5pm, not noon as he had to do some work. By the time he came over it was 6:30. I was okay with all of that but was of course a bit disappointed that our weekend had been shortened so much. Then on Sunday he went out all afternoon to do some sketching. I would've loved to come with him but I couldn't walk much with my injury. So I spend half of the day (4h) at home alone again. When he went he said he'd be out around 2 hours but it could be longer and I said it's okay and I understand that he wants to do some drawing. It's his passion and the weather was lovely. But part of me hoped he'd be with me all weekend so I'd have some company. But I do also understand that it's not much fun to sit inside with me when I'm ill and there's not much we can do. Also he works all week and has no time to enjoy the weather or draw outside during the week.

However after 3.5 hours I lost it a bit and felt super lonely so I texted him how lonely I felt and how sad it makes me that he obviously doesn't want to spend that much time with me and how I just have to accept that our time together means more to me than it does to him.

He then came home immediately and first didn't seem angry but that quickly changed as we spoke about it and he was just cynical, twisting my words ("oh so it's a problem that I like drawing now?!" "Oh so I am allowed to draw but not outside? So please write me a list with all the items I'm allowed to draw at your place!" "So you think I don't like spending time with you? Well let me tell you, now you're right! I will leave now and that's not because I wanna draw, this time it really is because I don't want to spend time with you!" "I'm done with you" "before I have a relationship like this I rather stay single!" "You clearly lied when you said you don't have a problem with me coming over on Saturday instead of Friday!" "You also lied when you said you don't have a problem with me needing me-time and time to draw!" " you made yourself seem much nicer than you actually are!") and he was shouting all the time. He packed all his stuff and made a big scene, wanted to leave and I had to ask him for 15 minutes to please not leave in the middle of a fight but to work through this. Which he did in the end. I told him that he must've misunderstood me and that I didn't want to fight either. And that it would be important for me that he stays and we can discuss what happened tomorrow but I'd prefer to have him around. And that he could stay for half an hour maybe and see how he feels when he has calmed down and if he still wants to leave in 30 minutes he could still do that then. So he stayed and didn't want to leave after 30 minutes.

Later he said he was sorry about saying he wanted to break up and that he didn't want our relationship to end, that he just wanted our continuous fighting to end and didn't see any other way out that moment. And he thanked me for convincing him to stay because he thinks if he went home he'd just feel miserable and much worse. He also explained that he thinks he overreacted because I hit a nerve because apparently his exes often criticised him for not spending enough time with them and drawing too much, comparing his drawing to his alcoholism. He said this makes him especially sad because he spends all his free time with me, much more than he did with his exes and he finds it problematic and very hurtful that i seem to doubt his feelings for me.

So after reading that book I think he could be 'the victim'. He also claims that his last ex was abusive and has borderline personality and was always provoking fights just to get an emotional reaction from him. But then there are some things that make me question if he's really abusive:

He actually tries to figure things out and he's desperate to be understood. I read that the abuser tries to remain a mystery so no one sees through his abuse.
When I first confronted him about his shouting and insulting being abusive he accepted that (after initially feeling upset) his behaviour isn't okay. And he said that he always thought about himself as a nice person who just has to learn to stand up for himself so other people don't walk all over him. But that that of course can be wrong and he might've seen it from the wrong angle.

This weekend I asked him what it was that upset him in our fights and he said that I was accusing him of things / assuming stuff (like he not appreciating our time together as much as I do) and me doubting his feelings. Also that he felt like I wanted to tell him he can't draw anymore but then admitted that I never said that and that it was him assuming I was like his ex.

I said that I understand how these things are hurtful to him. I told him that I just feld sad and lonely and missed him but communicated them in a bad way, trying to explain them by making assumptions (which I now understand how it's hurtful cause i makes it seem like I think of him in a bad way) and putting most focus on what made me feel that way (his actions which then seemed like I was criticising him)

I then asked him if it would've been upsetting or hurtful for him if I had just told him how I felt (sad, lonely and missing him) and if it were my feelings that upset him (which I initially thought). He said no, it wasn't my feelings that upset him and he could understand them and relate to them and also to feeling insecure.

So that sounds like he wants to understand and wants to be understood and work through things. What do you think?





alicia, thank you so much for your lovely post and nice words i spend a lot of time analysing and reflecting about myself, I also journal a lot since getting sober. There's still a big mess in my head but I'm making progress.

I don't know if it is / was codependency but I was definitely trying to fill that 'hole'(lack of self love or acceptance) with my relationship. I expected my boyfriend to make that feeling of sadness, emptiness and loneliness to go away with his love and attention for me.
Now I understood though, that that's my job. I have to fill that hole myself. And my boyfriend has to fill that hole for himself (he has the same empty-sad-lonely-feeling).

I think therapy would be good for him and he knows he has to do it at one point but is still a bit scared of opening up to a stranger about his feelings. He suffers from depression, (social) anxiety has issues with his parents, has a chronical illness and then there's still the alcoholism and some OCD, so a therapy would be beneficial in many ways.

Couples counselling would be a great option but I can't afford it as a student. In the country I live our health insurance covers for therapy when needed (which it is in my case) but not for couples. So right now it's not possible unfortunately.

I'm happy to hear it helps you and your hubby



So sorry to hear about your past, PuzzledHeart! I'm not with my BF because I feel sorry for him though. He might have all these 'flaws' but so do I. I don't expect my partner to be perfect and as long as we can figure a way to make it work and he also works on himself like I work on myself, it's okay for me. I wouldn't be with him if I felt pity for him he has lots of wonderful qualities and talents and I have a lot of respect for him.

Ariesagain

You've been with this guy how long? Less than a year?

From an outsider's perspective, it just seems like an extraordinary amount of work. Minor squabbles are a fact of life, but this just seems like you're working so hard to drag this rock up the hill at such an early stage in the relationship.

It's supposed to be fun, yes? Not endless negotiations and therapy sessions and walking on eggshells not to hurt his tender feelings and who said what to whom and in what tone of voice...yowza.

Honestly, I'd say to hell with it and get a dog instead but I'm too old to have much patience with this kind of drama.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

kevlarsjal

Thanks for your response Ariseagain! Maybe it is in fact age related but all of me previous relationships have been much more work. Apart from these 'misunderstandings' we're both happy in this relationship. The thing is that I myself am probably quite a lot of work being 6 months sober. Also therapy started 6 months ago and I'm dealing with lots of things for the first time in my live and trying to get to know myself. And in that regard he's incredibly supportive and patient with me.

amy55

kev,

I dealt with my marriage by drinking. I read what you say about your bf. I read what you said about him cutting his time short with you, then blaming you for everything, then you trying to make things better until you quiet his ass down, and then him explaining why he is like that, because his ex made him feel like that, and etc, etc, etc........................

What I see after that, is you trying to be more careful about the things that you say and do, that you are now walking on more eggshells, that you are now giving more thought as to how to make him happy while you sacrifice yourself.

It's almost like, or it is like that you have a need to repent for the life you had while you were drinking. I think you got it in your head that you were always wrong, and you don't deserve good. You keep giving him excuses to treat you bad.

kev, please, you are worth so much more then the way he is treating you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to get him to like you, to love you, to treat you with respect, to want to be with you?

I spent 25 years with someone like that. I lost my entire self, and I tried to drink it away.

It's your life and I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you that I lived that life and it sucked my heart and soul right out of me.

You have so much good in you, you have a good life ahead of you, I just ask that you look to yourself right now for happiness. Recognize all of the good qualities that you have, you have many. I don't even know you and I can see what a strong, determined, wonderful person you are.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

madgirl

This is a boyfriend? No shared children? And you often feel sad and end up crying because he yells at you, calls you names and then blames you for his toddler level behavior?

Please consider simply walking away. "This relationship does not make me happy, and I no longer wish to be in it." Then do it.

His anger, his addiction to alcohol - those are HIS problems - not yours.

Bekindalways

Hi Kev, I'm with Aliciagar as far as being impressed with all the steps you are taking to work on yourself. 6 months may be just a start in sobriety but it is still huge.

I was also someone who wanted my BF to fix me. Because of my particular dysfunction, I have had to spend a lot of time alone doing the hard work of figuring out who I am and what I want.

Keep doing what you are doing and let us know how you are doing.

kevlarsjal2

----------------- A MASSIVE UPDATE-----------------------

I went back to reading this thread now that my relationship has ended in a pretty bad way.

Things pretty much continued like I described them before just that the times when he'd apologise were fewer and fewer and soon the work that needed to be done to improve things were no longer a shared responsibility but only mine. He kept promising he'd do therapy although according to him his problems did not affect me or the relationship in any way.

I stopped seeing the therapist after he said she wasn't a very good one as she distance-diagnosed him as abusive. But I went to see another one shortly afterwards. I also started working the steps in AA.

So when I last posted in this thread it was spring 2017. Soon after that, in summer, I started going to more AA meetings where there were younger people in my age and I started hanging out with them after and outside of meetings which immediately became a big problem. He became very jealous of every mal person in AA and kept sending me a ton of texts when I was in meetings and when I didn't reply straight away he lost it and became furious,saying how worried he was that something bad had happened to me. Or saying that I was ignoring him because I like my new friends more and feel like I no longer need him now, that I was only using him.

I started to defend myself against these kinds of accusations but it didn't really help. I also had a girl moving in as a room mate in my flat to save some money on the rent which resulted in him never coming over to my place again and us spending a lot less time together. Which in hindsight was his way to punish me for my decisions but also helped me because I spent more time with other people again and became a little less dependent on him. Anyway, a few months later, in autumn he suddenly broke up with me after I disliked his decision to go on a trip to SF alone which we had planned to do together. I told him that I wish that we would discuss decisions like that together and not just him making them without asking. (Actually he did ask me but that was AFTER he booked)
He twisted things around and said that I was the one always deciding everything in the relationship, that he has no rights and that I never let him have his will or any pleasure. That he just gives and gives and I take and take and it's always about me, my feelings and my needs and I completely disrespect what he wants or how he feels. And then he broke up with me but changed it into a 1 month break. He said he was exhausted from his needs never being met and from me trying to make him take responsibility for myself and my emotions.
He promised to call me after that month which he didn't and a few days later I called him, met up with him and he ended it again but then again turned it into another 1 month break.
This time I was allowed to send him emails to show him how I was making progress on working on my issues, how I am getting better at controlling my emotions and not make him responsible for them. Not even when he hurt me.
He was very reassuring about me taking those steps and started being nice again, saying that this helped him trust me again after I had been emotionally abusive to him.

After that break we started seeing each other again and things went well for about 2 months. I was doing my best to be patient and accepting about all his decisions and he really enjoyed that, giving me good feedback about how great my progress is and how it makes him even crazier about me and how happy he is to see me doing better. Now I basically let him always have his will, I let him be moody and stayed calm, let him always have his space and never complained about anything. Everything was going well and he was very committed again.
But as he was very pleased with how things went, I started noticing all those double standards again and they kept bothering me. Then I suggested a rule change. Until then I had to report to him every time I was talking to a male person (in meetings, on the street, over messenger) while he was constantly chatting to loads of female friends or strangers and did not tell me. I wanted the rule at least to be equal or suggested to skip it completely, building our relationship more on trust than control. He freaked out completely, accused me of being overly jealous (logic?) and then of wanting to cheat on him.
Then he changed his approach and "opened up" about how insecure he is, saying that this rule change really triggered him as he feels like now that I am so much more independent and he no longer is the one who's helping me, he feels like he has nothing to offer to me or that his offering is a negative and that I will leave him. He said he was feeling so bad about confronting his insecurities that he couldn't sleep for days and felt physically sick. He said that he feels like this is the first of many of these kinds of conversations that he will need. That they exhaust him but also help him. He said he was so scared to open up about this but feels like it was a good decision and like it brought us closer together and that I reacted wonderfully.

Things went well for another 2 months but then it got back to his old patterns. I started to draw firmer boundaries, telling him when I didn't like the way he talked to me. So one day he then totally lost it again because I dared asking him to say something in a nicer tone and he went wild, accusing me of being ungrateful, never letting him set any boundaries, being controlling, having way too high expectations towards him that never can be met, he bit the sofa, screamed, punched himself in the head and I took my keys and left, telling him that he seriously needs help. I remained calm throughout his tirades, trying to tell him that all of this was not the case, that I just wished he was still speaking to me in a respectful way.

Later that night he called me and said he had figured it all out and wanted to talk about this incident again. I was hopeful, expecting an apology but no! It was all my fault again and he said I had not changed at all, that I was just pretending to make progress in therapy but that his reaction triggered my abandonment issues which is why I ignored him and then left. And that I was still blaming him for my problems and taking my emotions out on him while he had not done anything wrong. I said that none of this is true and told him again my point of view. He said he can't believe me, that I had broken his trust and that I should be spending some time thinking about this, and that he wishes that I am being more honest with myself about his and with him.
I told him again that this is not true and that I don't need to think about this because I know what my problem was (him being rude) and not abandonment issues. And that if he does not believe me and has no trust in me I don't know how a relationship should work and I don't see a future for it. To which he then suggested that if there should be a situation in the future in which he wants space or to not see me, and I then prove him that I am okay with this, he will owe me an apology. I agreed to that.

There were a ton of those situations in which I made it extra clear that I don't mind him spending time apart but the apology never came.

I became more and more sceptical about the relationship and told him how misunderstood I felt and how I disliked all the double standards and that I don't want to be the only one working on her problems as he also has issues with depression, anxiety, takes benzodiazepines for panic attacks etc. I asked him again to do therapy but he became more and more defensive again. He started accusing me of gaslighting him, of manipulating him and being abusive.

Then we had our 2nd anniversary and went to a cabin on our bikes, it was lovely and very romantic, he talked about our future and spending our lives together, he paid for the whole trip, even gave me a necklace with a small diamond and seemed very happy, very in love and committed.

One week later we were on our way home and I told him how I found it inconsiderate that earlier that day he left at my place while I was in the bathroom without me knowing and without saying bye. This made him explode and he wanted to leave in the middle of the conversation ("I don't have to listen to this!") on his bike. I grabbed the corner of his t-shirt to try and convince him to stay and talk about this like adults, saying that if my wording was offensive, I would like to apologise but he kept going on his bike and I let go.

I didn't hear from him for a week. By the end of that week I got into a bike accident and ended up in hospital. I messaged him, he replied the next day and came to see me where he then broke up with me. His reasons being: he was tired of our misunderstandings and that I had physically abused him. Me holding the corner of his t-shirt got twisted into me trying to push him off his bike. He said he still thinks I'm a nice girl and he's a nice guy but he thinks we just have different expectations of things and that it won't work.

So from being totally in love and happy he went to breaking up with me two weeks later while I was in hospital with a head injury and a broken leg.

He then said he needed space, but after a lot of pleading he came back to see me after the surgery and seemed very loving again, holding my hand, bringing me chocolate and grapes, kissing me.
As soon as I left hospital he went on another bike trip on his own to "clear his head" and when he came back he said he wants to go no contact as he needs space and has to put himself first this time, so he cannot be there and support me. Not even as a friend. I asked him to explain why this is, why he needs to put himself first, but got no explanation.
I send him emails (which I was allowed to) coming up with theories why he might have felt treated so unfairly by me and basically coming up with excuses for his behaviour in the relationship as well as assumptions about why he couldn't be able to support me during the recovery from the broken leg. I didn't get any answers to those mails although he promised to.
Then I asked whether he had relapsed and therefore needed to look after himself or if he was emotionally worn out from supporting me so much in the past and if it was just too much for him to see me suffering again. Or if it was just to make the break up easier for him. He said it was the last.
I said I appreciate his honesty and at least I could stop guessing now, said it was hurtful but that I don't judge him.

That same week I had a miscarriage (yes when it rains it pours!). I didn't know I was pregnant (11 or 12 weeks). Because of the accident and surgery and all the emotional stress I didn't question not getting my period for a while.
I wanted to keep it to myself at first as I feared he might not react well to this. I asked him if we could meet to talk soon. He said "maybe in a couple of week" So I messaged him that I had a miscarriage, that I didn't want to tell him this way but that I don't know how to keep it to myself for so long. That I am sorry that I couldn't be stronger and deal with this alone and that I'm sorry for putting this on his plate now too. But that I don't expect anything from him, just had to tell him.
He messaged back immediately how shocked he was, asking me how, when and what had happened, how long I had been pregnant for and if I was okay. He did not call, did not offer any support. I told him that I wasn't okay and that I felt really sad and horrible but that I will be okay. And that I do not expect him to take any responsibility in this as I came to realise that this is who he is and that I don't think he'd want to take responsibility but that that's okay for me and I still love and respect him, that I don't think of him in a bad way. Just that I hope he will appreciate the fact that I spare him from taking any responsibility in this. And that I am sorry if any of this hurt his feelings and that I didn't mean to criticise him.

To which he replied that I was criticising him and "A massive well done for taking responsibility for your things and realising that I am no longer there to do it."

I apologised again for criticising him and said this sounds a bit cynical and like he think that this is my problem, not ours. But that I think it's shared fun to have sex so the outcome of this should be shared responsibility too, asking whether he thinks that had I not lost the pregnancy the child would also just be my responsibility. If that is the case, then I respect that but that we then have very different opinions on this. Saying again that I do not expect him to take any of his responsibility, just that I hoped he would see that I am doing this for him too, when I take his part of the responsibility too, making things easier for him but harder for myself by going through this alone so he could have his space. But if it's not possible for him to see it that way then it's okay too and I don't want things to turn sour between us and that I hope that our nice memories won't be biased by this as I hold them very dear.
No reply.
I then asked him whether he thinks women are the only ones responsible to deal with a miscarriage.
He then replied later that day, what kind of support I even expect from him, saying this was just another typical question, designed to guilt trip him. But that it's over, that he can no longer help me and that he posted all my belongings to my address and that I can do with his stuff whatever I want to, he doesn't care. He wishes me good luck for the future but that he needs space and asks me to please respect that.
He then blocked me right after he send that.

I received my stuff the next day, he had not even bothered writing the sender's address so had I not been at home had my things gone I don't know where. Also he destroyed an art project I had been working on at his place cause it wouldn't fit the box. ZERO RESPECT!


I was so shocked at how he could treat me like this. I didn't understand how he could be so in love one week and shortly after be cold enough to break up with me just after I had a bad accident and a broken leg. There was just no decency, no heart in this. And he showed it again when he couldn't even be there for me as a friend a little while. And yet again when he wasn't interested in how I deal with the miscarriage (it would have been his child!!!) and then even blocking me like I had hurt him or done anything to him. I tried my best to swallow all my hurt feelings, I tolerated all his disrespectful behaviour and was still utterly patient, giving him his space while I could've used some support and remained understanding, kind and respectful to the point where none of my friends or family understood how I could still be defending him. And still he then did this, blocked me and made it seem like I was crazy in thinking that he has a responsibility in this, like the miscarriage was my problem that I wanted to take out on him. It is so disrespectful and I couldn't understand how or why he could do this.

A few days ago I still tried to figure out what I had done wrong, what he could've perceived as so horrible to provoke this kind of reaction. Had I been too harsh on him? Had I been acting morally superior and he was right that maybe subconsciously I wanted him to feel guilty? Had I disrespected his boundaries without noticing and that is why he had to protect himself from me?

I was still trapped in that kind of thinking until I went back to read this thread again and suddenly saw things very clearly.
I also started reading Lundy Bancroft's book again and things are starting to make sense, I do get now why he was treating me with no respect. He never had any!

I don't know how many of you who replied to me the last time are still reading here but I want to give you all a massive thank you because your replies helped me so much in dealing with this now and seeing things for what they are.

It's a real shame I wasn't ready to accept those things a year ago but if I read how long some of you stayed in relationships like this, I guess I can be glad that it only lasted 2 years.

It's still a lot to deal with and I feel sick and sad thinking about it but this insight makes it easier and get's me out of the "wanting to understand him, worrying about him" trap, so I can focus on my own healing.

Much love to you! <3

kudzujean

Huh???

want to say to you that it is normal for men to shout, swear, insult, name call, break or throw things and blame others when they are angry.

kudzujean

"Do you all think that there's no hope for this relationship? "

From what you've said here, I'd say there is no hope. Unless you want to be in an abusive relationship.

kevlarsjal2

Hi kudzujean, I think you've only read my opening post from over a year ago.
I am no longer in this relationship, my last post gives an update on what has happened since I was asking myself those questions back in 2017 and how things have developed.

I was considering leaving him as he didn't even pretend anymore that he wanted to change and the "better" I became at being what he said he wanted, the more critical he became with me while at the same time taking less and less responsibility for his own actions. The double standards that were visible from begin with just got worse and worse.

In the end it was him breaking up with me though, I guess he didn't want to wait until I would do it. And this gave him the power to end things his way, which was a nasty way.

SparkleKitty

Kev, I'm sorry you're hurting, but very glad you are out of this relationship and focused on healing.

theuncertainty

First: (((((hugs))))) if OK, kevlarsjal2. I am so very sorry to hear about your injuries, your miscarriage and the destruction to an artwork in progress. Wishing you continued strength and healing.

I asked myself the same questions. Of myself. To my therapist. Her response was to say something along the lines of, "TU, even IF you had been acting like you're better than him (and there is no way that just sitting there reading a book is acting better than someone), even IF he sincerely thought you had tied him down - by marrying him (and by the way he could have left anytime before, up to and including so late as to leaving you at the altar - or even just walking away anytime after) - and kept him from working on the dreams he had, there are different ways he could have expressed his unhappiness besides taking it out on you." I'm glad that you held onto the Lundy Bancroft book. It helped me work through so many things related to the relationship with AXH and his behavior.

One thing that really helped was to get to a place where I understood that he's an abusive partner. It wasn't me. It wasn't anything I did. It's how he approaches relationships and interacts with significant others. He'll behave the same way with any new partners.

Take gentle care and, if you need to talk, please feel free to post, or PM me.

hopeful4

Welcome back.

I hate to say this, but he is very manipulative. You need to keep reading the book, and continue to work on YOU. Why it's acceptable to yourself to be put in this situation and wonder what you did wrong, and what could you do to please him next??

I hope you get to a place where you are good with yourself so your next relationship is based on the mutual respect you deserve.

kevlarsjal2

Thank you so much hopeful!

I am only starting to see the damage this constant twisting and manipulating has done. Even as I write this I wonder if it was really him who was manipulative and twisting things around and not me. It's a proper brain wash.
Today an AA friend came to see me and she found my story so unbelievable (as I have always told everyone before that I was causing our problems and that my ex was wonderful and supportive) that she was convinced I was not honest about it and not honest with myself, that I must have been disrespectful about his boundaries and provoked him, that I sure must have stalked or harassed him to make him cut me out like this after the break up. And that he sure is just misunderstood and pulled back so much because he felt hurt or to protect me.
I felt really bad and confused for a few hours after the conversation with her and started blaming myself again. I don't think I will talk much to people about this because it feels like most won't believe it, just because it seems so absurd that I stayed in this relationship for so long. And that someone would do all these things to me without me really having actively provoked it. This is gonna be a tough one!

It helps that I spoke to his ex and that she made the exact same experiences and got treated in the exact same way. Once it is clear to him, that a woman does no longer fit his ideal of his "dream woman" and he sees that he can't twist, mould and bend them into that shape by controlling, punishing and manipulating them, they get dumped and are no longer treated like humans.

Probably because he never really saw them as a human, just their function to perform as his partner. It feels like he never truly saw me. He either saw an angel like creature, a goddess in me, that was more special than anything to him ("you're nothing the other women I dated, you are my dream woman") or I was "just like all of them, trying to push my buttons and to run me over". It's very painful.

I think one thing that made this all feel normal to me for so long was that my parents used to see me also just as an extension of themselves, and never treated me like I was a complete person without them. I was part of them, part of their lives, like something they had the ownership of. And I was used to hear from them how I should feel, what I should do or think.