Auroraxp

Yes, he does. I'm with an abusive boyfriend right now too. He is usually SO sweet, calling me right when he gets off work, texting me on break, calling me beautiful. I'm sure you can relate. Then bam, something goes wrong, you ask a too personal question, bring up a suspicious text that popped up on his phone and the defense mechanisms explode. Insulting, belittling and making you cry. He is a controlling person and him controlling your emotions and putting you so low he makes himself feel better and superior. I wish I had some advice but I am still with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. Just realize it is not your fault and though you love him he IS abusing you, and it is definitely not your fault. It is a tactic to make you insecure so you won't question his horrible actions. Imagine the response of friends or family if you told them the things he was saying to you. Good luck I hope you guys work on his abuse or you find the strength to leave.

Caramel

I'm so glad you're here, kevlarsjal.
I echo the wisdom and experience of the other posters - I wish I had read something like that twenty-five years ago.
You deserve peace, and happiness, and personal fulfilment.

kevlarsjal

Thanks Aurora! I hope he will work on his anger and controllingness. He is a control freak in general so maybe he will not deny it. I want to give us a chance to work on it. When I met him and we got together I was an alcoholic in total denial. He didn't drop me and he helped me to work on myself and I want to do the same for him if he's willing to work on himself.
He's not a bad person. He has issues and so do I. I hope you will find peace yourself, either with or without your Bf.

Thank you caramel. The thing is that my BF is the first one ever who encourages me to be myself. It's all so confusing. I don't know what to do or think.

LexieCat

It's pretty clear to me now what it is we/you are dealing with.

Please look for a book (which you should be able to order online) called, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is Lundy Bancroft, and he is a highly respected expert on domestic violence. He worked with men attending batterers' intervention programs for many years, and he's a real expert on what is going on with them.

Please get that book. I think it will be a real eye-opener. The things you describe about him make me believe this WILL eventually become a physically dangerous situation for you. And I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic violence over the years, and many of them have told me that the verbal and emotional abuse was even harder to heal from than the physical violence.

And what another poster here said is also very true. If you were to marry him, and especially if you were to have children together, you would become very trapped, and children suffer enormously when there is abuse in the household. Many will repeat the pattern--as abusers or as victims--when they grow up.

We all care very much about you. You don't have to leave this instant, but it's very wise to be very careful and to keep working with your therapist (who sounds like a very perceptive person).

amy55

I read your first post early this morning. I couldn't respond then, well quite frankly it triggered me. There were so many things that you said that were similar to my own experiences.

I wanted to bring up where you said you feel at times he idealizes you. The other part of idealizing, is devaluing. This is where he pushes you away, and refuses to talk to you. You're not acting like that perfect angel that he envisions you as. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's like if you are not doing or acting exactly like they want you to, they need to knock you down.

I know this is all new to you, and you need time to digest this. I needed time also, I just stayed for over 15 years longer then I should trying to fix the situation. I also found out that me trying to the fix the situation, was me trying to control him. He didn't want to change, he liked him the way he was. Thing is, I didn't like him the way he was.

If you do every go to therapy with him, please go in separate cars.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

PhoenixJ

YES- ABUSE!!! Throws stuff around? Plus the rest. Is this relationship working for you? Sometimes change 9even from an abusive rel'p) can be scary- because it is new. Empathy and support to you.

ajarlson

Amy what a smart thing to suggest, going to therapy in different cars. Mine went to therapy for a while with me, and after every session he was SO angry that I was more afraid for what would happen after we left. And FWIW I was afraid because he was acting in a way that made me afraid, not because he was physically abusive. When we left counseling sessions he would be in a rage because the counselor saw right through him. It's so hard to pull yourself away from that dynamic, and it gets worse when you have kids. I feel so bad about what my kids went through all those years.

kevlarsjal

I will get that book, Lexie. I think it'll be maybe helpful also to understand my dad better. And my mum too maybe although she's clearly not a man. Both of my parents are verbally abusive and throwing books at each other when they still were together.

I'm sorry my post triggered you Amy. Yes devaluing is exactly how it feels to me when we fight. Then he says "I don't understand why you act like a crazy bitch, I thought you were such a sweet person and this is not how you normally are" and when he apologises he says "I'm so sorry I misunderstood you. I have to remember that you in fact are just an incredibly sweet soul and never wanted to attack me but I got to angry and forgot about that for a second." It's like there's an on / off switch. Either I'm his ideal and he's totally in love and then when I do something for him unexpected he questions me completely.

And don't worry, neither of us has a car anyway, haha.


Thank you all for being there for me. This helped me to focus more on myself today and not only wondering how HE feels. I'll definitely speak more about my relationship in my therapy sessions. I never really payed much attention to this problem until today, cause I thought it was just me not being good / tough enough or too emotional.

amy55

Hey, don't worry about triggering me. It was the things that he was saying and doing to you, it was all so familiar. I wanted to write up a whole book for you, but my hands were shaking.

Take care, and remember, there are a lot of people here that care about you.

(((((((((hugs)))))))
amy

LexieCat

Just one other tip. Do NOT tell him about the book. Don't tell him you're ordering it, don't tell him you're reading it, don't share any insights from it with him. I'm serious. It's for you, not for him. He could become very, very angry, and feel very, very threatened (a very, very bad combination) if he finds out.

kevlarsjal

Thanks Phoenix. I think right now, this relationship is still working for me. But I see that his anger outbursts get worse over time. I'll keep an eye on this. At the moment the positives still outweigh the negatives.

Oh and there are no kids planned for the next years. I don't feel like I could be a good mum right now. I want to be sober for a couple of years before thinking about kids and marriage.

kevlarsjal

Yes Lexie I won't tell him. Actually my first thought was "what if he finds out?" Which probably isn't a good sign that I think that way.

I won't tell him about anything you guys suggested in here either. I will tell him some of the things that my therapist said, how she thinks we could both handle these situations better. I won't use the word abuse though.

And thanks Amy!!!!!!

amy55

I have 2 tips for you. Do not take this period of devaluation personally. I know it's easier said then done, but, you did nothing wrong. He has this war going on in his head, and you just got in the middle of it.

Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). I would also like to add, Don't apologize. This just gives him more ammunition to use against you at the time, or he will save it up for a later time. You are giving away your fears and weaknesses that he will use against you.

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy

hearthealth

I'd think seriously about him having children. He will be more stressed with children, they will cry and he will treat them how he treats you.

Maudcat

Nope. Normally, people don't shout. They don't blame their partners. They react to their partner's sadness or tears with empathy. They ask, why are you sad? What can I do? Would you like some tea? Do you want to talk about it? I'm here if you need me.
What you are experiencing is not normal.
You should leave. He isn't worth it.

kevlarsjal

I hoped sleeping one night over this would make me see things clearer or at least make me feel better somehow. Over the past months (since getting sober) I struggled on an off with anxiety, depression and feeling suicidal. I think I fell right back into that hole.

The relationship to my BF is what gave me hope and strength, it was the only thing I thought I had going for me, the one thing in my life that I liked and that made me feel good.
Now I feel like this part is taken away from me or at least threatened.

He stopped ignoring me last night and messaged me, telling me I shouldn't worry about us and that we'll figure things out. He asked if I still wanted to be with him and told me how I am more special to him than anyone and how he wished I believed him. He also denied that he was ignoring me all day ( I send him 10 messages during the morning / noon and he didn't reply until I asked him to please not ignore me in the late evening) and said he just didn't have much to say. I think he did ignore me on purpose but knows it would make him look bad. Maybe he even feels bad about having done so. He knows that I suffer a lot when he is like that.

He also thanked me for 'being nice again' in my messages, like it was me who was nasty before...

Today he will meet a friend and his GF for dinner, so I won't see him for another day. Which is killing me. I want to say some things to him and see how he reacts so I know if there's any hope left for this relationship.
I should maybe say that this dinner was planned for a while already and he wanted me to come along first but I said I didn't wanna go when things are like they are (still in the middle of a fight) and he offered to cancel on his friend but I said he shouldn't cause he cancelled on him before and he doesn't see his friends much.

Maudcat, that's the thing. He does ask me all these questions and is super nice and compassionate and caring whenever I have a problem or even when I just feel down for no reason. It's only when he feels like I blame him for having caused my misery that he gets so angry and defensive. It's so confusing.

kevlarsjal

Thank you Amy! I think I'm good at not taking the devaluing personally. I always explain it to myself as him misunderstanding me and not seeing the real me. I think he easily feels attacked and then anger takes over and makes him blind for any explanations from my side. When he has calmed down and the anger is gone he (most of the time) understands how I meant it and then apologises for thinking I wanted to attack him or **** him off. His ex had borderline and was often provoking fights and was even physically abusing him so I sometimes think that's why he sometimes thinks I'm about to do the same when he can't understand me straight away.

I am not sure I understand your second tip. Can you help me with this? If I make him feel attacked I shouldn't apologise for example?

LexieCat

What she's saying is that (a) you are not "making" him feel attacked (that's a product of his own issues) and (b) to the extent that you apologize for something that does not call for an apology, you are giving him ammunition for future rounds of abuse ("You even admitted that you know how your crying makes me feel, and you do it anyway.").

Alcoholic to alcoholic, do you see any similarities between your enduring this abuse for the sake of feeling "special" when he's being "nice" and an alcoholic's continuing to drink in spite of the negative effects on his/her life because sometimes drinking is really pleasant and FUN?

LexieCat

And speaking of your own alcoholism, have you discussed this situation with your sponsor? Many victims of abuse turn to use of drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism--you could be putting your own sobriety in serious jeopardy.

2ndhandrose

(((kevlarsjal)))

My first marriage was to an abuser.

Thankfully, we had no children and I was able to extricate myself within 3 yrs.

I didn't know it then, but I know it now; my hope and strength comes from me. It doesn't come from another person, I will never again allow another person to have that kind of control over me.