Has my recovering ABF abusive tendencies?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kev.....if they work in a similar way as here in the US (I live in Virginia,,,just outside of Wash. D.C.)….they are happy to converse with you by phone....
Be sure to tell them about your broken leg.
Yes, you absolutely...absolutely, qualify for their services. There are many kinds of abuse...not just physical. Emotional abuse causes damage, also....
You will find that those persons who work in domestic abuse are very compassionate and understanding, of all that you have shared.....
Their only is to help you...and, they tend to be very dedicated people....
I am so glad to hear that you are willing to talk to them!
Be sure to tell them about your broken leg.
Yes, you absolutely...absolutely, qualify for their services. There are many kinds of abuse...not just physical. Emotional abuse causes damage, also....
You will find that those persons who work in domestic abuse are very compassionate and understanding, of all that you have shared.....
Their only is to help you...and, they tend to be very dedicated people....
I am so glad to hear that you are willing to talk to them!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2 
Fortunately these people are none that I know. Just strangers to him too or instagram friends. Some colleagues and friends of him too I guess. I should just not look at his social media.
He never met any of my friends. He never wanted to!
It's good to have at least some people believing me. I have you on here, I have my mum, my therapist I hope and his ex!
He never met any of my friends. He never wanted to!
It's good to have at least some people believing me. I have you on here, I have my mum, my therapist I hope and his ex!
Social media is shallow and pretty much meaningless.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
kevlar, I wanted to say that I also believe you. I remember when my friends offered me their house to move into. I would talk to them, and they said to me, this is so nuts, there is no way you can make this stuff up, and they told me that they believed me.
You have spoken to me of most of the things that I went through, and perhaps some that I didn't experience. You may have used different words, but they were really all the same.
You are young, and you can get out of that spiral to the abyss. I sometimes found that when I was trying to explain things that I was just crazy, because when you go through crazy, you feel that you are crazy. Thing is, you are able to articulate your experience.
Remember, outside friends and their opinions mean nothing. They weren't there when the 2 of you were alone. He would never have acted the way he did where people could see him do that. My family loved my ex, even after I was divorced, they never saw how he treated me, just saw the show that he put on for them.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
You have spoken to me of most of the things that I went through, and perhaps some that I didn't experience. You may have used different words, but they were really all the same.
You are young, and you can get out of that spiral to the abyss. I sometimes found that when I was trying to explain things that I was just crazy, because when you go through crazy, you feel that you are crazy. Thing is, you are able to articulate your experience.
Remember, outside friends and their opinions mean nothing. They weren't there when the 2 of you were alone. He would never have acted the way he did where people could see him do that. My family loved my ex, even after I was divorced, they never saw how he treated me, just saw the show that he put on for them.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Kev,
I'm late to this thread but the beginning of your relationship sounded like the beginning of my relationship to my ex. I was unfortunate enough to make excuses for his behavior for a decade and now I am suffering the consequences of a decade of gas-lighting, financial and emotional abuse, isolation, and eventually his violent behavior. Abusive men always escalate their behavior eventually... particularly if you catch on to the fact that they are treating you in unacceptable ways.
A lot of my past posts are about my relationship and relationship abuse. Please feel free to look at them.
No matter what has happened, he is an adult who acts the way he does to control his intimate partner. He does not need therapy. He acts that way because he benefits from abusing his intimate partner. For him, he doesn't want the things he can get from treating you with respect. He does not need therapy for this abusive behavior. He may or may not have a mental illness, but that's really just blaming his CHOICES on something unrelated. The reason I think that abusers usually are not in the "may have mental illness" category is because abuse of another person is always about controlling them; and in order to control other people, the abuser has to have a lot of control over themselves -- they act sweet in front of the right people and scary in front of others. Believe me when I say that most of their crack-ups and crying fits and rages are deliberate. They are consummate liars. Stay away from this man. He will give you PTSD.
I hope you are able to be safe. Please talk to people you can trust.
I'm late to this thread but the beginning of your relationship sounded like the beginning of my relationship to my ex. I was unfortunate enough to make excuses for his behavior for a decade and now I am suffering the consequences of a decade of gas-lighting, financial and emotional abuse, isolation, and eventually his violent behavior. Abusive men always escalate their behavior eventually... particularly if you catch on to the fact that they are treating you in unacceptable ways.
A lot of my past posts are about my relationship and relationship abuse. Please feel free to look at them.
No matter what has happened, he is an adult who acts the way he does to control his intimate partner. He does not need therapy. He acts that way because he benefits from abusing his intimate partner. For him, he doesn't want the things he can get from treating you with respect. He does not need therapy for this abusive behavior. He may or may not have a mental illness, but that's really just blaming his CHOICES on something unrelated. The reason I think that abusers usually are not in the "may have mental illness" category is because abuse of another person is always about controlling them; and in order to control other people, the abuser has to have a lot of control over themselves -- they act sweet in front of the right people and scary in front of others. Believe me when I say that most of their crack-ups and crying fits and rages are deliberate. They are consummate liars. Stay away from this man. He will give you PTSD.
I hope you are able to be safe. Please talk to people you can trust.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by LexieCat
It's pretty clear to me now what it is we/you are dealing with.
Please look for a book (which you should be able to order online) called, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is Lundy Bancroft, and he is a highly respected expert on domestic violence. He worked with men attending batterers' intervention programs for many years, and he's a real expert on what is going on with them.
Please get that book. I think it will be a real eye-opener. The things you describe about him make me believe this WILL eventually become a physically dangerous situation for you. And I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic violence over the years, and many of them have told me that the verbal and emotional abuse was even harder to heal from than the physical violence.
And what another poster here said is also very true. If you were to marry him, and especially if you were to have children together, you would become very trapped, and children suffer enormously when there is abuse in the household. Many will repeat the pattern--as abusers or as victims--when they grow up.
We all care very much about you. You don't have to leave this instant, but it's very wise to be very careful and to keep working with your therapist (who sounds like a very perceptive person).
Please look for a book (which you should be able to order online) called, "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author is Lundy Bancroft, and he is a highly respected expert on domestic violence. He worked with men attending batterers' intervention programs for many years, and he's a real expert on what is going on with them.
Please get that book. I think it will be a real eye-opener. The things you describe about him make me believe this WILL eventually become a physically dangerous situation for you. And I've worked with hundreds of victims of domestic violence over the years, and many of them have told me that the verbal and emotional abuse was even harder to heal from than the physical violence.
And what another poster here said is also very true. If you were to marry him, and especially if you were to have children together, you would become very trapped, and children suffer enormously when there is abuse in the household. Many will repeat the pattern--as abusers or as victims--when they grow up.
We all care very much about you. You don't have to leave this instant, but it's very wise to be very careful and to keep working with your therapist (who sounds like a very perceptive person).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
"I am sorry to be so blunt, but...that man is a MONSTER!"
Suki.
Kev, you were with my ex. Oh he wasn't my ex? He sounds like my ex. My ex was a creepy guy. I can't look at pictures of him anymore these days without feeling like throwing up, I'm so revolted by the things he did. If you get enough distance from this guy, you will probably feel the same way. You won't be sad forever. You might be sad that you wasted the time you wasted on him... but it will pass into acceptance.
Wow... because... my ex used to say that one of his goals was to start a cult for a bullsh*t religion of his own invention, because then he could get a tax-free income. Evil genius, that man... really manipulative. You walk on eggshells for years. One minute you're a goddess, the next minute you're the dirt on the dirt he steps on. It's confusing because he means it to be confusing. The part that is not confusing is that he only believes that you're one of those things: to him, you are the dirt on dirt. He only treats you so nicely in the moments between the abuse because if you figure out what he's doing to you, you'll leave him and he'll be alone and have to face himself... alone. Deep down inside, these guys hate themselves and resent you. They get their self-worth from crushing someone else... and they LIKE it.
Suki.
Kev, you were with my ex. Oh he wasn't my ex? He sounds like my ex. My ex was a creepy guy. I can't look at pictures of him anymore these days without feeling like throwing up, I'm so revolted by the things he did. If you get enough distance from this guy, you will probably feel the same way. You won't be sad forever. You might be sad that you wasted the time you wasted on him... but it will pass into acceptance.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
as i read your last few posts, i couldn't help but be struck by how similar your experience sounded, to me, to someone being indoctrinated into a cult - a cult with a charismatic but dangerous leader. so i looked up the steps/methods/how to's of being indoctrinated - pretty darn interesting.
1. Invitation to a non-threatening event
2. Love-bombing
3. Dangling "The Prize" in front of you
4. Extracting an agreement from you that you want the prize
5. Shutting down your dissent by threatening to withhold the prize
6. Establishment of guilt
7. Carrot/Stick
8. Control of identity, information, environment
1. Invitation to a non-threatening event
2. Love-bombing
3. Dangling "The Prize" in front of you
4. Extracting an agreement from you that you want the prize
5. Shutting down your dissent by threatening to withhold the prize
6. Establishment of guilt
7. Carrot/Stick
8. Control of identity, information, environment
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
I am starting to think that all the things he accused me of (lying, manipulating, being selfish, uncaring, putting myself first, always wanting to get my will, being controlling, inconsiderate, horrible, not letting him have his boundaries, guilt tripping him, emotionally blackmailing him, abusing him,...) was actually just what he was doing to me.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Kev,
I'm late to this thread but the beginning of your relationship sounded like the beginning of my relationship to my ex. I was unfortunate enough to make excuses for his behavior for a decade and now I am suffering the consequences of a decade of gas-lighting, financial and emotional abuse, isolation, and eventually his violent behavior. Abusive men always escalate their behavior eventually... particularly if you catch on to the fact that they are treating you in unacceptable ways.
I'm late to this thread but the beginning of your relationship sounded like the beginning of my relationship to my ex. I was unfortunate enough to make excuses for his behavior for a decade and now I am suffering the consequences of a decade of gas-lighting, financial and emotional abuse, isolation, and eventually his violent behavior. Abusive men always escalate their behavior eventually... particularly if you catch on to the fact that they are treating you in unacceptable ways.
That happened with his behaviour too. The more I was convinced that he didn't even want to change and that he is the one whose behaviour needs to be looked at and not me, the more I started to resist his control, the worse it got. But then also the "good times" got better again during those times. Then there came nice holidays and presents again and promises about the future... I guess when he noticed I started to see through things his first reaction was always to try and control me more and if that made me sceptical about the relationship he tried to get me back on board by either making me feel sorry for him or by courting me with gifts, making promises about our future together, putting emphasis on how we are made for each other and we suddenly had just a wonderful time again. And once I was really committed again, our problems came back (or his abusive behaviour) in even worse ways.
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
A lot of my past posts are about my relationship and relationship abuse. Please feel free to look at them.
No matter what has happened, he is an adult who acts the way he does to control his intimate partner. He does not need therapy. He acts that way because he benefits from abusing his intimate partner. For him, he doesn't want the things he can get from treating you with respect. He does not need therapy for this abusive behavior. He may or may not have a mental illness, but that's really just blaming his CHOICES on something unrelated. The reason I think that abusers usually are not in the "may have mental illness" category is because abuse of another person is always about controlling them; and in order to control other people, the abuser has to have a lot of control over themselves -- they act sweet in front of the right people and scary in front of others. Believe me when I say that most of their crack-ups and crying fits and rages are deliberate. They are consummate liars. Stay away from this man. He will give you PTSD.
I hope you are able to be safe. Please talk to people you can trust.
No matter what has happened, he is an adult who acts the way he does to control his intimate partner. He does not need therapy. He acts that way because he benefits from abusing his intimate partner. For him, he doesn't want the things he can get from treating you with respect. He does not need therapy for this abusive behavior. He may or may not have a mental illness, but that's really just blaming his CHOICES on something unrelated. The reason I think that abusers usually are not in the "may have mental illness" category is because abuse of another person is always about controlling them; and in order to control other people, the abuser has to have a lot of control over themselves -- they act sweet in front of the right people and scary in front of others. Believe me when I say that most of their crack-ups and crying fits and rages are deliberate. They are consummate liars. Stay away from this man. He will give you PTSD.
I hope you are able to be safe. Please talk to people you can trust.
Now I think he doesn't mind being that guy, he just doesn't want to be seen like that. And most importantly, he doesn't want to change himself.
I already had PTSD when I met him which he also ended up using against me.
I will read through your posts!
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
This is an excellent book suggestion. Also, I DO NOT recommend couples therapy with an abuser. I had horrible experiences with my ex manipulating the therapist.
I bought that book then, started reading it, recognised my then bf (now ex!), read that there's not much of a chance that these men change which I didn't want to be true so I went back to excusing his behaviours like he did. In the beginning it was only him making excuses, he mostly played the "you make me feel so bad about myself" card which made me take the blame on myself, reassuring him that he is not a bad boyfriend and that I was probably just a bit oversensitive....
In the end he stopped making excuses and just gave no explanations or reasons. He just didn't reply or went to blaming me for his actions, told me that I was unreasonable or just brushed things off as things he shouldn't have to put up with whenever I dared saying I felt hurt. Which was the time when I started making the excuses for him! When people asked me how I could be with someone treating me like that, I would say that he doesn't mean to, that he just doesn't understand how it makes me feel, that he is autistic, that he can't control his anger, that he can't have it when things don't go his way because it means so much stress for him and that he is just too overwhelmed by situations.
I always thought it was a stress thing because as soon as we went on holiday, there was never any fight or misunderstanding. I guess he didn't want to ruin his "well earned" holidays for him. In hindsight it makes me think that all his anger and raging and running away was much more controlled that he pretended. If he could behave so differently during holidays?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Kevlar-
Look up 'narcissist." I think you had a doozy of one, and I'm so glad you're free of him so you can go live a beautiful, fulfilling life. Don't look back, my dear. Everything you want is in FRONT of you.
Best!
Look up 'narcissist." I think you had a doozy of one, and I'm so glad you're free of him so you can go live a beautiful, fulfilling life. Don't look back, my dear. Everything you want is in FRONT of you.
Best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Originally Posted by amy55
kevlar, I wanted to say that I also believe you. I remember when my friends offered me their house to move into. I would talk to them, and they said to me, this is so nuts, there is no way you can make this stuff up, and they told me that they believed me.
You have spoken to me of most of the things that I went through, and perhaps some that I didn't experience. You may have used different words, but they were really all the same.
You are young, and you can get out of that spiral to the abyss. I sometimes found that when I was trying to explain things that I was just crazy, because when you go through crazy, you feel that you are crazy. Thing is, you are able to articulate your experience.
Remember, outside friends and their opinions mean nothing. They weren't there when the 2 of you were alone. He would never have acted the way he did where people could see him do that. My family loved my ex, even after I was divorced, they never saw how he treated me, just saw the show that he put on for them.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
You have spoken to me of most of the things that I went through, and perhaps some that I didn't experience. You may have used different words, but they were really all the same.
You are young, and you can get out of that spiral to the abyss. I sometimes found that when I was trying to explain things that I was just crazy, because when you go through crazy, you feel that you are crazy. Thing is, you are able to articulate your experience.
Remember, outside friends and their opinions mean nothing. They weren't there when the 2 of you were alone. He would never have acted the way he did where people could see him do that. My family loved my ex, even after I was divorced, they never saw how he treated me, just saw the show that he put on for them.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Actually, it's only my AA contacts that seem to not believe me. They believe me that he did those things to me, just the ones I talked to seem to think that I must've provoked it somehow and am leaving out my part. They seem to see this as a case of "2 typical alcoholics in recovery who've not worked enough on themselves, only see their point and do not want to try and understand the other part" .But I have spent 2 years on working on myself, looking at my part and trying with all patience and compassion to see my ex as a "sick puppy" who just needs more love and tried to understand the sh1t out of him! Did it help? Not at all!
I am so sorry your family didn't believe you, that must have been horrible. He only met my parents on a few occasions and they know me well enough to know I wouldn't treat anyone in the way he said I did. My friends outside of AA and my roomie were against the relationship for a long while already.
I think even his parents started being a bit sceptical about his behaviour towards me. His mum was not impressed to find out he got himself a much younger girlfriend (I guess it makes sense, because at 26 I was probably easier to impress/manipulate/control).
According to him she also pointed out a few times, that it doesn't seem fair to her that I am the one doing all the cooking all the time and he never helping me.
I don't know if this is actually true or if he just made it up to make me feel sorry for him but once he said how unfair his parents are to him, when he told him we had a bad argument, they immediately assumed it was his fault somehow.
I guess they've witnessed his history of very short relationships and are tired of being introduced to a new girl nearly every year. They too seemed to try and push him into a self help/ therapy direction for years but I think they also gave up and silenced about that for the sake of staying in contact with him.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Originally Posted by VikingGF
Kevlar-
Look up 'narcissist." I think you had a doozy of one, and I'm so glad you're free of him so you can go live a beautiful, fulfilling life. Don't look back, my dear. Everything you want is in FRONT of you.
Best!
Look up 'narcissist." I think you had a doozy of one, and I'm so glad you're free of him so you can go live a beautiful, fulfilling life. Don't look back, my dear. Everything you want is in FRONT of you.
Best!
After reading "Why does he do that?" I am most convinced that it is actually just his abusive thinking that explains him best. And not necessarily a personality disorder or mental illness.
Maybe with some more distance I will see things yet again from another perspective.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm also a recovering alcoholic (26 years). I had the worst relationship of my life with another alcoholic with no program. I swore I would never date any alcoholics, even if they were channeling Bill Wilson, who was also a womanizer. He was such a difficult person his wife, Lois, started Alanon for us codependents.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
I tried explaining / excusing his behaviour with several disorders / mental illnesses and partly he would fit into bipolar, borderline, autism, schizophrenia, narcissist... but then again nothing ever seemed to really be that accurate.
As for the disorders, it would be virtually impossible for a lay person to diagnose an alcoholic with a personality disorder unless it was some symptom that was so way out there that it was incredibly obvious and even then - alcoholics can display so many personality quirks it just isn't possible. They tend to be narcissistic, they tend to have mood swings they tend to be anti-social in many cases etc etc
A professional might have a shot, but they would probably base it on behaviour before alcohol entered the picture.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Narcissism is a personality disorder, it is also characteristic of many personality disorders.
I bought books, and books, and then some more books to figure out, (diagnose) my ex, so that I would know how to deal with things, or to figure out how to change him. Thing is, you can't change another person.
I think it's a good thing that you are researching all of these things, as long as it is helping you to identify situations that you don't want to be in.
I know that I will always say that I am 99% sure that my ex had a borderline personality, but I can now say that I am 100% sure that I was in a situation that I was unable to control, and that I did not feel good during that relationship. I no longer care if he had any kind of a personality disorder or mental illness, he didn't care to fix anything, and I couldn't. I now know that I need to respect myself and have the life that I want. The only person that I can fix is me, and I am still working on this.
I can no longer look up to someone who is looking down on me. I will no longer beg someone to "please, just treat me like I'm human", or please, "can you just talk to me", can we somehow learn how to communicate? That's in the past.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
I bought books, and books, and then some more books to figure out, (diagnose) my ex, so that I would know how to deal with things, or to figure out how to change him. Thing is, you can't change another person.
I think it's a good thing that you are researching all of these things, as long as it is helping you to identify situations that you don't want to be in.
I know that I will always say that I am 99% sure that my ex had a borderline personality, but I can now say that I am 100% sure that I was in a situation that I was unable to control, and that I did not feel good during that relationship. I no longer care if he had any kind of a personality disorder or mental illness, he didn't care to fix anything, and I couldn't. I now know that I need to respect myself and have the life that I want. The only person that I can fix is me, and I am still working on this.
I can no longer look up to someone who is looking down on me. I will no longer beg someone to "please, just treat me like I'm human", or please, "can you just talk to me", can we somehow learn how to communicate? That's in the past.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
I do see a lot of parallels to narcissist personality disorder but I am not so sure it fully describes him. I tried explaining / excusing his behaviour with several disorders / mental illnesses and partly he would fit into bipolar, borderline, autism, schizophrenia, narcissist... but then again nothing ever seemed to really be that accurate.
After reading "Why does he do that?" I am most convinced that it is actually just his abusive thinking that explains him best. And not necessarily a personality disorder or mental illness.
Maybe with some more distance I will see things yet again from another perspective.
After reading "Why does he do that?" I am most convinced that it is actually just his abusive thinking that explains him best. And not necessarily a personality disorder or mental illness.
Maybe with some more distance I will see things yet again from another perspective.
I wrote a long post some eons ago about mental illness and abuse. I think I said something like, "after what I have been though, I no longer care if a person is mentally ill or an addict or whatever, there is NO excuse for abuse and it should not be tolerated."
THERE IS NO EXCUSE for abusive behavior.
My ex used to also be really "good" on vacations. I used to think that because we never fought when we were traveling that we were good together. Actually... no, he just didn't want to spoil his vacation. Looking back, I remember that whenever we went on vacation, I would pay for everything. I mean, EVERYTHING -- air tickets, food, transport, everything. If I really look back at the times I was having fun with him, I find that actually, those times were about HIM having fun, and me just being there to prop him up.
Don't look back. You were conned by this guy. That is what he does: con people. He asks you to imagine what you want, then gets a mirror and holds it up to your reflection. What you are seeing is the way you look when you're thinking of your fantasy relationship; you are not really seeing him, ever! Behind the mirror is someone who is experiencing duping delight -- he is smirking at you. Don't blame yourself for anything, just learn from it and keep walking. Walk away from him AND the people who believe his lies because they will do his work for him. In time, you will start to feel better, I promise.
https://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_mey...to_spot_a_liar
Do not, under any circumstances, keep contact with him or his flying monkeys, because doing so can keep you trapped for years and years; and then when you finally break free, you'll have to rebuild your life on the wreckage of whoever you once were or had.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal
I think it's because he's immature, bad at understanding other people's emotions, is a bit self focused, has in general poor social and emotional skills sometimes and is very insecure himself.
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal
So after reading that book I think he could be 'the victim'. He also claims that his last ex was abusive and has borderline personality and was always provoking fights just to get an emotional reaction from him. But then there are some things that make me question if he's really abusive:
Originally Posted by kevlarsjal
He actually tries to figure things out and he's desperate to be understood. I read that the abuser tries to remain a mystery so no one sees through his abuse.
When I first confronted him about his shouting and insulting being abusive he accepted that (after initially feeling upset) his behaviour isn't okay. And he said that he always thought about himself as a nice person who just has to learn to stand up for himself so other people don't walk all over him. But that that of course can be wrong and he might've seen it from the wrong angle.
When I first confronted him about his shouting and insulting being abusive he accepted that (after initially feeling upset) his behaviour isn't okay. And he said that he always thought about himself as a nice person who just has to learn to stand up for himself so other people don't walk all over him. But that that of course can be wrong and he might've seen it from the wrong angle.
If you have not been with this guy long, trust me, this guy is NOT the guy for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Kev, one of the most difficult things I had to deal with when I told my family about the abuse my nanny gave me was that my sister, who had endured the same abuse, denied that it had happened in the first place. Decades later, my cousin said that even though I remember my abuser as just that, she remembered her as the one who was kind to her. What she didn't remember, was that my nanny beat up my sister when same cousin cut her forehead on some furniture.
I do have some empathy for my abuser - she was so young and frankly an indentured servant. She had no breaks. She didn't know how to drive and was so isolated. She had no friends her own age. She was way over her head.
THAT said, she didn't have to take her anger out on me or my sister. She didn't have to beat me up every day because I only ate half of my sandwich. She didn't have to poke us with needles during breakfast because we weren't eating fast enough. I understand why she was so angry, but in the end she had a choice.
My sister and I also made our decisions. She decided to deny that the abuse ever took place, and cast me as the crazy one. For years, my family, including my dad, asked me to forgive and forget. My dad finally stopped asking me when I told him my sister made the choice to forgive and forget and look where that got her.
Enough about me. There was a Dear Sugar podcast about emotional abuse in romantic relationships that I found especially poignant and I thought of you. I should warn you that one of the letter writers decided to have an abortion when she got pregnant by her abusive ex. I remember after my miscarriage having very mixed feeling about abortion. I'm not so sure I would have been able to have a conversation about it. However, you are not me so who knows....
If podcasts aren't your thing, you may still want to listen at the 45:34 mark.
Emotional Abuse ? With Reema Zaman | Dear Sugars
I do have some empathy for my abuser - she was so young and frankly an indentured servant. She had no breaks. She didn't know how to drive and was so isolated. She had no friends her own age. She was way over her head.
THAT said, she didn't have to take her anger out on me or my sister. She didn't have to beat me up every day because I only ate half of my sandwich. She didn't have to poke us with needles during breakfast because we weren't eating fast enough. I understand why she was so angry, but in the end she had a choice.
My sister and I also made our decisions. She decided to deny that the abuse ever took place, and cast me as the crazy one. For years, my family, including my dad, asked me to forgive and forget. My dad finally stopped asking me when I told him my sister made the choice to forgive and forget and look where that got her.
Enough about me. There was a Dear Sugar podcast about emotional abuse in romantic relationships that I found especially poignant and I thought of you. I should warn you that one of the letter writers decided to have an abortion when she got pregnant by her abusive ex. I remember after my miscarriage having very mixed feeling about abortion. I'm not so sure I would have been able to have a conversation about it. However, you are not me so who knows....
If podcasts aren't your thing, you may still want to listen at the 45:34 mark.
Emotional Abuse ? With Reema Zaman | Dear Sugars
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