Katchie

There lays the problem...dad clearly stating anything..lol! That is always a comedy! I have witnessed the "clearly stating" of many things only to walk away extremely confused. I can only imagine how his clearly stated plan was interpreted by our son the other day in jail.

LexieCat

I don't mean stating it to your son, I mean stating it to the judge.

FeelingGreat

Ouch Katchie, signing that form seems pointless if he doesn't even know his parents' financial position. I hope it doesn't influence anything.

You're going to need a ton of resilience, patience and determination, but we know you have that.

Refiner

But Mr. 18 is an adult now and bc of that doesn't have to do anything you say, right? And Mr. Drunk Dad backs him up with all his mighty support. Me thinks this one's on Drunk Dad to figure out. Just bc a relative of yours (Mr. 18) signs something saying the family has means to pay doesn't mean YOU have to pay.

Jaeger

Oh Katchie - this is nuts! At least you see it for what it is. To me, it's even more evidence that he needs to stay put and get a good dose of reality,

Katchie

I scolded drunk dad after the arraignment that he didn't seem able to make it to yesterday. The arraignment was at 9am, but I made sure to be there when 30 minutes early because I knew, as I told drunk dad, that the judge would move them thru the cattle chute. So what does drunk dad do? Be there in time to try and find parking at 9am, so he missed it. I had him go to breakfast with me so I could fill him in and used that opportunity to say things I haven't been able to say in regards to our son. He walks into the cafe with red rimmed eyes and begins making excuses for why he was late and looks like sh*t warmed over...uh huh. I told him our son was 100% at fault, but he shares in the blame because he let him do what he wanted, when he wanted, and gave him the funds to do it with. I felt good after that.

Now that my sons inmate profile has been updated with a case number, which he didn't have before the arraignment, I see that he is being charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon that carries intent to kill. I'm just sick. I'm heartbroken. I'm more heartbroken knowing that my son deserves this. He planned it. He broadcast he was going to do this to the victim. It is all so very unbelieveable.

dandylion

Katchie...I am soo soo sorry that you are suffering from something that you had absolutely no control over.....

Out of pure suriosity...is your ex showing any sort of remorse, at all...?

Katchie

When we first learned our son was arrested, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm not taking the blame for this one."
He is very upset, no doubt, but seems unwilling to admit straight out he didn't parent. He has never been able to say "no" to the boys and they know this. He has, however, said little things here and there that do lead me to believe deep down he knows he should have done things differently.

LexieCat

If I were in his shoes (and, let's face it, we've all made done things as parents that COULD have turned out horrendously, but for good fortune), I'd be kicking myself into next week. The fact that he's not beating his breast publicly doesn't mean he isn't blaming himself. What he DOES with that is on him. At this point, the thing has happened and there's no changing it--no turning back time. I hope he is able to step up and do the right thing from here. Which would seem to be expressing love and support for his son (to the extent your son will accept it) while he faces the very adult consequences of his actions.

CodeJob

Katchie,

I recall your concern for your youngest from your threads here several years back. I'm sorry your X hasn't changed. In his disease and parenting style.

You are a dynamo of recovery. You have changed a ton! Keep speaking truth. Love from whatever safe distance you need.

Peace.

velma929

I overheard something a few weeks ago. An acquaintance has taken custody of a grandson. Mom and Dad thought he'd be safer in Podunk, USA than in Egypt. Grand-dad's friend told him, "Parenting is the hardest job in the world. You can do everything perfectly, and still the result may not be what you expected."

Katchie

Velma, thanks for that, it's absolutely true.

Katchie

Because he is still in high school, looks like the we will be responsible for his defense unless my xah can prove he cannot afford it, which I don't believe he can.
I hate that. I wish it were something that my son had to wade thru and figure out on his own. Not going to happen. I wish it didn't feel like punishment for the parents also, though I know my xah didn't parent the way he should have, it shouldn't fall on the parent who tried.

LexieCat

Do you know anyone in the "system" who could maybe recommend someone? As I said, PDs are generally the best bet, but if that's not an option, you need to find someone who has a good reputation for competence and knows how to try a case --some lawyers plead ALL their cases, but you need someone who tries enough cases to be credible at the negotiating table--just so the prosecutor knows he or she isn't afraid to try the case if it comes down to it. It's an unfortunate truth that a lot of the people in the best position to recommend someone generally aren't allowed to do it (court staff, prosecutors). If you know someone who knows any of those people, though, you might be able to at least get a few names of people who are respected. Another thought is to look for names in local news reports about trials.

Katchie

We will be working on it. My cousin's stepdad was a PD for many years, but he is out of town and has been hard to get ahold of..hoping he comes back home soon to ask these sort of questions.
I have to add that unfortunately this will come down to how much money my xah has or can get his hands on.

LexieCat

Right, but the most expensive lawyer won't necessarily get him a better result than someone who charges much less. You just want to avoid the schlocks. I think reputation is EVERYTHING--and I mean reputation among the prosecution/criminal bar, not who has the "biggest name." If this relative was a PD, I'm sure he can find out. And remember, too, he can change lawyers at any time (though the sooner the better--requests for change of attorneys are frowned upon when a trial is imminent--it's a common delay tactic).

hopeful4

I am going to throw out that I don't think it's so bad for ol dad to have to pay up. I don't necessarily think it's fair (I thought 18 was 18), however, dad has had his head up his own a$$ for so long that it's time he step in and learn what is happening, not just avoid it.

I am sorry Katchie. I sent you very tight hugs my friend.

Katchie

I've decided I will not be at tomorrow's arraignment. I told my xah firmly i would not be going and he would have to go himself. Its only fair since he was a no-show at the first arraignment. I do have another set of ears going on my behalf though so I will feel comfortable. Apparently, according to my cousins stepdad, the former PD, there is a chance my son can still get a PD instead of a private defender, so we are going for it. Our son is suppose to ask the judge for one tomorrow. Fingers are crossed.

hopeful4

That would be good, I hope that happens Katchie. I am glad you are giving yourself a little break tomorrow.

Hugs!

LexieCat

Will keep fingers crossed he qualifies for a PD. You have enough to worry about without figuring out how to pay for a lawyer.