Beyond Wayward -- sick sick sick
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Wow, I can't believe no one was hurt!!
Maybe - just maybe - this is the sort of insanely over-the-top kind of wake up call he needed. It sounds like he seriously needed to understand the limits of his privilege. I have no expectation that this will provide any kind of wake-up for your Ex though, unfortunately.
More will be revealed Katchie, hang in there & try to remember that this isn't a reflection of YOU - as hard as it sounds, try not to personalize this too much. (((((Hugs)))))
Maybe - just maybe - this is the sort of insanely over-the-top kind of wake up call he needed. It sounds like he seriously needed to understand the limits of his privilege. I have no expectation that this will provide any kind of wake-up for your Ex though, unfortunately.
More will be revealed Katchie, hang in there & try to remember that this isn't a reflection of YOU - as hard as it sounds, try not to personalize this too much. (((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Oh , Katchie... I am so sorry for all this stuff with your son. *hug hug hug hug hug*
I also have an 18yr old son. Teenagers can really shatter a mama's heart. (My daughter also did a number on me when she was a teen, it was awful)
My son isn't getting himself in any trouble, yet, but he does drink alcohol and smoke pot. He knows how I feel about it, to say I'm unimpressed and disappointed are extreme understatements. He knows about the addiction issues on both sides of his family and the devastation it has caused. It is really scary that he would make such unhealthy choices. He has also distanced himself from me and has grown closer to his alcoholic father ( a 180 degree turn from how it used to be). I also moved away from the region he lives in, and even though he had very little to do with me any more, I think he resents me for doing that. I told him he could come with me and that I wasn't "abandoning" him, that I was moving on with my life now that he was 18 and graduated and I was going to start doing what was in my best interest. I don't feel guilt for moving but I do miss my kid.( He is more than welcome to visit and chooses not to) I am not owning his bad choices. I know I raised him right and if he chooses to do bad things I know it isn't my fault.
I hope you know that your son's bad choices are not your fault. They aren't even his father's fault. Yes your ex set up a bad situation by leaving him there alone, and your ex is absolutely responsible for leaving access to firearms and ammunition!!!... however, the decision to use drugs and alcohol and any bad decisions that happen thereafter, are soley that of the young man himself. I hope this stay in jail scares the crap out of him and he starts making wiser decisions.
Hang in there Katchie, don't dwell on the "what ifs", no one was shot and that is a blessing. Maybe a wake up call for the young man in that family as well. One can hope.
Parenting young adults is the worst. I don't think anything else has ever made me feel so defeated, not even my ex.
Tons of empathy and support being sent your way.
I also have an 18yr old son. Teenagers can really shatter a mama's heart. (My daughter also did a number on me when she was a teen, it was awful)
My son isn't getting himself in any trouble, yet, but he does drink alcohol and smoke pot. He knows how I feel about it, to say I'm unimpressed and disappointed are extreme understatements. He knows about the addiction issues on both sides of his family and the devastation it has caused. It is really scary that he would make such unhealthy choices. He has also distanced himself from me and has grown closer to his alcoholic father ( a 180 degree turn from how it used to be). I also moved away from the region he lives in, and even though he had very little to do with me any more, I think he resents me for doing that. I told him he could come with me and that I wasn't "abandoning" him, that I was moving on with my life now that he was 18 and graduated and I was going to start doing what was in my best interest. I don't feel guilt for moving but I do miss my kid.( He is more than welcome to visit and chooses not to) I am not owning his bad choices. I know I raised him right and if he chooses to do bad things I know it isn't my fault.
I hope you know that your son's bad choices are not your fault. They aren't even his father's fault. Yes your ex set up a bad situation by leaving him there alone, and your ex is absolutely responsible for leaving access to firearms and ammunition!!!... however, the decision to use drugs and alcohol and any bad decisions that happen thereafter, are soley that of the young man himself. I hope this stay in jail scares the crap out of him and he starts making wiser decisions.
Hang in there Katchie, don't dwell on the "what ifs", no one was shot and that is a blessing. Maybe a wake up call for the young man in that family as well. One can hope.
Parenting young adults is the worst. I don't think anything else has ever made me feel so defeated, not even my ex.
Tons of empathy and support being sent your way.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
More will be revealed...I used to hate that slogan, but its true. I found out last night from the mother of one of my sons best friends that my son has been using xanax. I know he had been smoking pot, so the xanax is a new thing. I wonder if he got it from my x who used xanax in combo with his crown. He must have been using it in conjunction with something else because what he did was so angry and violent. That isn't his normal personality. My son has always been quiet, calm and easy going. The violence of this and the anger are so surprising. I don't know what he was on, but this wasn't normal. As it's been said, more will be revealed and slowly but surely it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I spoke to my xah this afternoon and told him one of his friends let me know that our son has not only been drinking and smoking pot but also taking xanax. He thought that was incredible and where in the world would he have gotten xanax?? I reminded him that it use to be in the house and asked if he was still taking it. He became very defensive and said he never had xanax around the house. Well, me being the very good wife/Codie that I was knows that he had xanax because I searched for it and found it when we were married and know for a fact our friend and doctor prescribed it to him. Oh what a short memory! But, perhaps for now he is right and our son didn't get it from the house. Who knows. I am still concerned that xah will try to bail him out and ruin our chances or at least make it very difficult to receive a public defense. My xah was having a difficult time following and understanding what I was saying -- just like the old days, ain't it sweet!
I just have to add, when you think you're done with your xah, you're really not -- ever-- or it seems.
I just have to add, when you think you're done with your xah, you're really not -- ever-- or it seems.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, does it. The most kind thing you can do is let justice processes take over and offer NO assistance. He's 18 - an ADULT - that BADLY needs a wake up call. He messed up BAD and had been modeling his dad's using behavior. He needs to be SCARED STRAIGHT or he'll just be another middle aged drug using abusive nothing like his "dad".
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My heart hurts for you, especially since I am a mother of an 18 year old, as well. He has chosen to spend a lot more time with his alcoholic father instead of me recently and I worry about the influence this will have on him.
I have no words of advice but I did want to come on and just say that I was praying for you, that I hope you have peace and are comforted by friends as you go through this. I truly can't imagine but I know it happens to so many other families out there. HUGS!
I have no words of advice but I did want to come on and just say that I was praying for you, that I hope you have peace and are comforted by friends as you go through this. I truly can't imagine but I know it happens to so many other families out there. HUGS!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Katchie,
I am so sorry for what is going on with your son. I know I made dumb choices as a teenager, and young adult, thankfully none of them involved the law.
I am a mother of three, and one thing I will never say is "not my kid." I was one of two growing up, and my brother got himself into big trouble because of drugs. He never hurt anyone but himself, but my parents kept bailing him out, and making excuses. They lived in a small town and would hear rumors anout things he was doing, and they would deny, and say not my son. Eventually they stopped denying, and let him go to jail. It was the most difficult thing they had to do.
He has still struggled on and off with drugs, and just recently got in trouble again. He is still a great kid, (not really a kid anymore), but has an addiction, and does not always make good choices because of it.
I think you are doing the right thing by letting him figure it out, but still be there for him as he finds his way. He's still that baby boy you instilled lots of good values in, he just needs to find his way, and maybe this will put him on a path to get clean. I am glad nobody was hurt.
Sending lots of love and prayers your way.
❤Delilah
I am so sorry for what is going on with your son. I know I made dumb choices as a teenager, and young adult, thankfully none of them involved the law.
I am a mother of three, and one thing I will never say is "not my kid." I was one of two growing up, and my brother got himself into big trouble because of drugs. He never hurt anyone but himself, but my parents kept bailing him out, and making excuses. They lived in a small town and would hear rumors anout things he was doing, and they would deny, and say not my son. Eventually they stopped denying, and let him go to jail. It was the most difficult thing they had to do.
He has still struggled on and off with drugs, and just recently got in trouble again. He is still a great kid, (not really a kid anymore), but has an addiction, and does not always make good choices because of it.
I think you are doing the right thing by letting him figure it out, but still be there for him as he finds his way. He's still that baby boy you instilled lots of good values in, he just needs to find his way, and maybe this will put him on a path to get clean. I am glad nobody was hurt.
Sending lots of love and prayers your way.
❤Delilah
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Xanax is as common as water in the schools, both high schools and colleges. It's absolutely nothing to obtain.
One moment at a time friend. I know you hate it, and I do too, but you are right, more will be revealed. I know when I try to have a conversation with my XAH it's amazing that he literally cannot follow along. Will ask the same things over and over. Then act later like he has no idea what I am talking about. He is a long term X user, by prescription from his Dr. Takes enough to tranqualize an elephant.
Tight hugs friend. Hopefully this will wake him up, pray for that.
We are here for you!
One moment at a time friend. I know you hate it, and I do too, but you are right, more will be revealed. I know when I try to have a conversation with my XAH it's amazing that he literally cannot follow along. Will ask the same things over and over. Then act later like he has no idea what I am talking about. He is a long term X user, by prescription from his Dr. Takes enough to tranqualize an elephant.
Tight hugs friend. Hopefully this will wake him up, pray for that.
We are here for you!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I wonder if there is anyway of getting your son away from you exah? I say that cos I think while he is under his influence and not being supervised things will not improve. I know your son is an adult but some 18 year olds take longer to mature than others and need parental guidance for much longer and it doesn't sound like his dad is the best to be doing that. I would not like my exah having any influence over my 18 year old boys. Someone said the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree but he is your son too. He has your genes, your values and his upbringing by you to fall back on. I don't think it's inevitable he will end up like his dad. Teenagers do stupid, dangerous things. Most grow up to be model citizens.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 
I wonder if there is anyway of getting your son away from you exah? I say that cos I think while he is under his influence and not being supervised things will not improve. I know your son is an adult but some 18 year olds take longer to mature than others and need parental guidance for much longer and it doesn't sound like his dad is the best to be doing that. I would not like my exah having any influence over my 18 year old boys. Someone said the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree but he is your son too. He has your genes, your values and his upbringing by you to fall back on. I don't think it's inevitable he will end up like his dad. Teenagers do stupid, dangerous things. Most grow up to be model citizens.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hi, Katchie, I was traveling the last couple of days and couldn't easily post my thoughts on a phone.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I completely get your emotional back-and-forth on it. My older son went through something I'll pm you about (would rather not post on forum).
Of course, I too am happy no one was physically injured in this incident, but I have a feeling he can be looking at a very long prison sentence. His youth (especially since he doesn't have a history of violence) may cut in his favor, but I'd still be prepared for him to go away for several years. Some states have "youthful offender" statutes that mitigate sentencing for cases where the offender is an adult but under 25 or so. In your son's case, the next best thing to a VERY expensive lawyer is a public defender. The PDs where I worked were extremely competent and dedicated. Of course, they do have heavy caseloads but they also have a ton of public resources available to them (psychological experts, etc.).
As far as bailing him out goes, it probably depends on whether he's still a dependent of his parents whether the parent's resources would be attributed to him. If you can afford it, it might be worthwhile to consult with a lawyer to find that out for certain. I'm of two minds about bailing out a child in this situation. On the one hand, you don't want to drop everything and get them out of the unpleasant consequences immediately. On the other hand, jails are scary and dangerous places--even more so, usually, than the prisons (jails tend to be more crowded and less well-run in general). If he made a habit of getting locked up, I might be more inclined to let him sit there. OTOH, I think IF he could be sufficiently monitored (maybe house arrest/ankle bracelet), he would be a lot safer on the outside. It certainly wouldn't be helping him if he were to get into another jam while he's out on bail for one serious crime.
I'm sending big hugs and lots of prayers and good thoughts for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I completely get your emotional back-and-forth on it. My older son went through something I'll pm you about (would rather not post on forum).
Of course, I too am happy no one was physically injured in this incident, but I have a feeling he can be looking at a very long prison sentence. His youth (especially since he doesn't have a history of violence) may cut in his favor, but I'd still be prepared for him to go away for several years. Some states have "youthful offender" statutes that mitigate sentencing for cases where the offender is an adult but under 25 or so. In your son's case, the next best thing to a VERY expensive lawyer is a public defender. The PDs where I worked were extremely competent and dedicated. Of course, they do have heavy caseloads but they also have a ton of public resources available to them (psychological experts, etc.).
As far as bailing him out goes, it probably depends on whether he's still a dependent of his parents whether the parent's resources would be attributed to him. If you can afford it, it might be worthwhile to consult with a lawyer to find that out for certain. I'm of two minds about bailing out a child in this situation. On the one hand, you don't want to drop everything and get them out of the unpleasant consequences immediately. On the other hand, jails are scary and dangerous places--even more so, usually, than the prisons (jails tend to be more crowded and less well-run in general). If he made a habit of getting locked up, I might be more inclined to let him sit there. OTOH, I think IF he could be sufficiently monitored (maybe house arrest/ankle bracelet), he would be a lot safer on the outside. It certainly wouldn't be helping him if he were to get into another jam while he's out on bail for one serious crime.
I'm sending big hugs and lots of prayers and good thoughts for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Jaeger
How are you doing Katchie?
Then, my youngest son called me from the jail today. He sounded good. Said his cell mate is 40 years old be nice and treats him well; the head inmate is treating him well. Overall, he said it isn't too bad in there and he hasn't been mistreated. That is the only good news, but it broke my heart to hear his voice. I was driving the 3.5 hours back to town when he called me. Once they cut us off I just bawled.
I also talked to my xah today because he went to see our son this morning for a 30 minute visit. I found out that 2 weeks prior to the incident he was arrested for our son had been at a party across town and got into a big fight with others and was hit in the head pretty hard. My son has had several concussions over the years from playing sports, one was pretty severe. He asked his dad for an MRI because he wasn't feeling right, then the arrest happened. I wonder if the incidents of concussions plus xanax and booze could have caused the violence. My son has never had a violent episode before, this is so out of character, but then who is ever in their right mind drinking and drugging. I'm rambling. Its been a difficult day.
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Katchie.....I know that you tried your very best with all your children. His actions are not a reflection of you. I think of a passage from the Profet (Kalil Gilbran)....where it speaks of children......"they are through us but, they are not us..... It is a very comforting passage.....
A mother can be eaten up by guilt and feelings of responsibility (where it is not indicated), if she is not careful.....
All of this was out of your control. Remember that it will not help anything for you to let yourself be destroyed by this.....it won't even help your son.....
I do get your grief..I get it in spades....I know your heart is broken, right now...
You are going to grieve for a while.....Any parent who half cares, would....
His life is not over...no matter how bad it seems, right now. There are many people who had really bad things happen in their youth, and went on to live good lives....
A mother can be eaten up by guilt and feelings of responsibility (where it is not indicated), if she is not careful.....
All of this was out of your control. Remember that it will not help anything for you to let yourself be destroyed by this.....it won't even help your son.....
I do get your grief..I get it in spades....I know your heart is broken, right now...
You are going to grieve for a while.....Any parent who half cares, would....
His life is not over...no matter how bad it seems, right now. There are many people who had really bad things happen in their youth, and went on to live good lives....
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