Beyond Wayward -- sick sick sick
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Katchie 
I also talked to my xah today because he went to see our son this morning for a 30 minute visit. I found out that 2 weeks prior to the incident he was arrested for our son had been at a party across town and got into a big fight with others and was hit in the head pretty hard. My son has had several concussions over the years from playing sports, one was pretty severe. He asked his dad for an MRI because he wasn't feeling right, then the arrest happened.
I've been thinking about you and your son and keeping you in my prayers. We are here for you. I know this is so hard on a Momma's heart.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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You must be feeling so overwhelmed at the rate that "more is getting revealed".... don't forget to be extra gentle with yourself Katchie, this has to be exhausting you in every way.
Continued hugs & prayers!
Continued hugs & prayers!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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I had my first real conversation with my son today (I don't count yesterdays because it was so short and couldn't really talk) after the rigmarole of a process I went through in order for him to be able to make a call to me. I did not come away very encouraged after I hung up the phone. I did not hear any remorse, no humble pie, no sorry mom. Instead, I heard, "when can I get out of here". I told him he isn't. I told him that he may go away for a little while to which he responded, "you mean prison?". Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!! How the H*LL does he not grasp the severity of what he has done!!!! I didn't sugar coat it. I told him what he did is a criminal felony and only by the grace of God will he only serve a short time in prison. This is incredible. He asked me if he has an attorney yet. I told him no and that at tomorrows arraignment he needs to ask for a court appointed attorney. That he needs to stay put, no bail, so that he can get a public defender. I made it clear I cannot afford a defense; I just don't have that kind of money. Even if I did, I don't want to spend it on such a thing -- its his responsibility, not mine.
I'm feeling discouraged by what I heard.
I'm feeling discouraged by what I heard.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Oh, Katchie...try not to be discouraged. What you told him might just be what he needed to hear. Now he knows how badly he screwed up and knows that he might possibly have to go to prison. Maybe he will be thinking about this all night and hopefully, something will click.
(((HUGS))) to you.
(((HUGS))) to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm sorry - that conversation would be discouraging to me too...however....
You responded like an absolute BOSS.
Not your circus....even though you have to feel the pain as if it is.
It is early - things might be different in a few days, but no matter what, take care of yourself!
You responded like an absolute BOSS.
Not your circus....even though you have to feel the pain as if it is.
It is early - things might be different in a few days, but no matter what, take care of yourself!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you handled it PERFECTLY. The kid is still in denial about how serious this sh*t has gotten. He thinks you can handle it, like writing a tardy note for school when he overslept.
The criminal justice system is, for better or worse, more powerful than all the moms and dads in the world.
You know, I often felt compassion and empathy for the parents of the defendants I was prosecuting. So many of them were good, decent people, who did not deserve to go through the crap they were handed by sonny-boy or sweetie-girl. The only ones I had difficulty with were those who took my prosecuting their child as a personal affront, and who were determined at all costs to save their child from the consequences of their actions. I understood requests for leniency, but so many of them expected complete excusal of their child's horrendous behavior at the expense of the victim.
The criminal justice system is, for better or worse, more powerful than all the moms and dads in the world.
You know, I often felt compassion and empathy for the parents of the defendants I was prosecuting. So many of them were good, decent people, who did not deserve to go through the crap they were handed by sonny-boy or sweetie-girl. The only ones I had difficulty with were those who took my prosecuting their child as a personal affront, and who were determined at all costs to save their child from the consequences of their actions. I understood requests for leniency, but so many of them expected complete excusal of their child's horrendous behavior at the expense of the victim.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think you handled it PERFECTLY. The kid is still in denial about how serious this sh*t has gotten. He thinks you can handle it, like writing a tardy note for school when he overslept.
The criminal justice system is, for better or worse, more powerful than all the moms and dads in the world.
You know, I often felt compassion and empathy for the parents of the defendants I was prosecuting. So many of them were good, decent people, who did not deserve to go through the crap they were handed by sonny-boy or sweetie-girl. The only ones I had difficulty with were those who took my prosecuting their child as a personal affront, and who were determined at all costs to save their child from the consequences of their actions. I understood requests for leniency, but so many of them expected complete excusal of their child's horrendous behavior at the expense of the victim.
The criminal justice system is, for better or worse, more powerful than all the moms and dads in the world.
You know, I often felt compassion and empathy for the parents of the defendants I was prosecuting. So many of them were good, decent people, who did not deserve to go through the crap they were handed by sonny-boy or sweetie-girl. The only ones I had difficulty with were those who took my prosecuting their child as a personal affront, and who were determined at all costs to save their child from the consequences of their actions. I understood requests for leniency, but so many of them expected complete excusal of their child's horrendous behavior at the expense of the victim.
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Katchie, how terribly discouraging that his attitude is so inappropriate for the trouble he's in. Time will fix that I'm sure, and you will be there for him if he does decide to turn his life around.
It was his decisions that landed him in this spot, but your XAH has been careless about trusting him on his own, and leaving weapons as unsecured as harmless toys. That lack of responsibility for owning deadly weapons is a real worry.
It was his decisions that landed him in this spot, but your XAH has been careless about trusting him on his own, and leaving weapons as unsecured as harmless toys. That lack of responsibility for owning deadly weapons is a real worry.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Katchie.....this is so difficult to even process....maybe, it is, actually, a better thing that the two of you are separated for the time being......
Arrogance of stance, is often a hallmark of teenagers who are , often very insecure and fearful, inside. As infuriating as it is to caregivers when they throw it in your face... Their frontal lobe, where logic and reason resides, is not fully developed, yet. (and you raise the possibility of multiple concussions, which may factor in)...
Add in, the lack of life experience, and, I am assuming the peer pressures which come from the desire to belong....
And, not to forget that his father has poured gasoline on the fire by his own hedonistic and careless parenting......
It is almost like the "perfect storm" for something like this to occur....
Even so, I think you are absolutely right to keep the firm boundaries....this will be a big learning experience for him.
I know that this feels like the end of the world for you....but, you are strong, and you all will work your way through this. Life will go on....
You are not alone!
Arrogance of stance, is often a hallmark of teenagers who are , often very insecure and fearful, inside. As infuriating as it is to caregivers when they throw it in your face... Their frontal lobe, where logic and reason resides, is not fully developed, yet. (and you raise the possibility of multiple concussions, which may factor in)...
Add in, the lack of life experience, and, I am assuming the peer pressures which come from the desire to belong....
And, not to forget that his father has poured gasoline on the fire by his own hedonistic and careless parenting......
It is almost like the "perfect storm" for something like this to occur....
Even so, I think you are absolutely right to keep the firm boundaries....this will be a big learning experience for him.
I know that this feels like the end of the world for you....but, you are strong, and you all will work your way through this. Life will go on....
You are not alone!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Big hugs friend!
What Dandy and Lexie said are so right. The thing is, all of us parents, we try with all of our might to do what is right for our kids. To protect them, to give them every opportunity to do what is right and good, and live a happy and healthy life.
Sometimes they just have to learn it on their own, that you can't bail them out of every bad choice them make. He will get through this, and so will you friend.
Sending lots of love and many hugs during this hard time! We are here for you!
What Dandy and Lexie said are so right. The thing is, all of us parents, we try with all of our might to do what is right for our kids. To protect them, to give them every opportunity to do what is right and good, and live a happy and healthy life.
Sometimes they just have to learn it on their own, that you can't bail them out of every bad choice them make. He will get through this, and so will you friend.
Sending lots of love and many hugs during this hard time! We are here for you!
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He could have been looking at multiple counts of murder. Firing 20 rounds into a house?
I'm so sorry, Katchie. What a nightmare...but this is NOT your fault. You did your best with him, but at some point, they have to sink or swim solo.
I'm so sorry, Katchie. What a nightmare...but this is NOT your fault. You did your best with him, but at some point, they have to sink or swim solo.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I'm so sorry, Katchie. What a nightmare...but this is NOT your fault. You did your best with him, but at some point, they have to sink or swim solo.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I was at his arraignment this morning, his father was not. The judge made it clear that anyone that makes bail will not be eligible for a public defender. Then she moved inmates thru the arraignment process like cattle through a chute. By 8:58 my son was in front of the judge and I find out, after talking to him extensively yesterday about voicing his need for a public defender, that he signed a piece of paper saying that his family could afford his defense and didn't need a public defender!! HE DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME THIS ON THE PHONE YESTERDAY! If I could have reached through the television and snatched him bald I would have!!!! So, he is back to square one with a new arraignment set for Tuesday. I told his father what happened because he was too hungover to make it on time that I WILL NOT be attending the Tuesday arraignment and that he better figure out how to get our son to reverse this because the judge knows that our son lives with him and I will not contribute to the defense because I can't afford it. GRRRRRRRR!!!!!
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Oh boy Katchie. What a mess.
I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and let him figure this out. I know it's very upsetting to watch an arraignment, I have done so once before.
Kids can be pretty clueless about how things work, and it looks like this is going to be a serious lesson for him in life.
Please take good care of you dear friend. Tight hugs!
I think you are doing the right thing by stepping back and let him figure this out. I know it's very upsetting to watch an arraignment, I have done so once before.
Kids can be pretty clueless about how things work, and it looks like this is going to be a serious lesson for him in life.
Please take good care of you dear friend. Tight hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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OMG, you're dealing with a couple of idiots. Dad has to clearly state, I think, that he is going to refuse to pay for a lawyer. I think he's MUCH better off with a PD than with a cut-rate lawyer in private practice. I know that as a prosecutor, I tried very hard not to be influenced by who someone's lawyer is. The fact is, though, the PDs often have close working relationships with prosecutors. The ones I dealt with I trusted, for the most part, not to give me a load of utter BS when we were negotiating or trying a case. They didn't insult my intelligence by asking for unreasonable consideration. Not that I could always give it to them, but they worked hard for their clients to get them the best possible deal. The PDs also know their judges, and what arguments are likely to "fly" with a particular judge. Hopefully Dad can see that, and won't weenie out by putting himself in hock to hire someone.
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Son is 18, an adult. Dad may not have much influence with son either. As long as dad doesn't reach into his own pockets for the money. You don't have much control over that either. Make sure you document that you won't pay for any of your son's expenses.
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