Beyond Wayward -- sick sick sick
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Not goofy. What parent doesn't want the normal life achievements for their children? I am so sorry for your pain. Keep in mind that sometimes the things that we think are the worst that can happen to us wind up being the best. If your son doesn't graduate now, maybe later, when it's the right time for him.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hi Katchie, it sounds like a good idea to give yourself a break. As you know, we preach hardcore self-care here at SR.
I'm not a Mum just a teacher/auntie so please ignore the following if it is inappropriate .
With kids, I have found the more I fret and worry about them the less they feel they need to. The more I present a kind of, "Ah well, you are smart and can figure it out . . . and by the way . . . change subject to something else . . ." the more it makes a vacuum in the worrier role of the situation.
That being said, I don't know if I would be doing as well as you are in this scenario . . . . even if you are lying on the floor drumming your feet and screaming.
Big hug and keep posting.
I'm not a Mum just a teacher/auntie so please ignore the following if it is inappropriate .
With kids, I have found the more I fret and worry about them the less they feel they need to. The more I present a kind of, "Ah well, you are smart and can figure it out . . . and by the way . . . change subject to something else . . ." the more it makes a vacuum in the worrier role of the situation.
That being said, I don't know if I would be doing as well as you are in this scenario . . . . even if you are lying on the floor drumming your feet and screaming.
Big hug and keep posting.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, katchie,
I am just sending support...I can't even begin to imagine with one that young. I mean, my stepson has 'enjoyed the hospitality of the county' on several occasions, but he is in his 30s. *sigh*
I hope that your young man steps up on the public defender issue. Please let us know how it goes. You and he will be in my prayers.
I am just sending support...I can't even begin to imagine with one that young. I mean, my stepson has 'enjoyed the hospitality of the county' on several occasions, but he is in his 30s. *sigh*
I hope that your young man steps up on the public defender issue. Please let us know how it goes. You and he will be in my prayers.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Katchie so very sorry to hear all this.
I guess I am going to be the voice of dissent here in stating to just let your son face whatever consequences come his way. He may be 18, but he is still a high school student - this is not an adult its a child.
The charges your son is facing could land him in jail for a very, very, very long time. While I absolutely think he deserves to "face the music", our Court system recognizes that Minors also deserve consideration for the stupidity of being young 18 is but barely "adult" - he is a high school student. This young man has been raised by an alcoholic whom has undermined your parental skills even when you were married. I believe he often courted your children with money, and freedom, when they were quite young. He is still a drunk, and allowing your son freedoms in the house beyond what is appropriate. its just asking for trouble.
While there are good Public Defenders there are crappy ones too just like in the Private System. I question your sons mental state to do such a thing - question whether he has addiction issues himself and/or personality disorder etc. that might be part of the problem.
There are options for punishment here - ones that might work better toward rehabilitating your son. A long term prison sentence (he absolutely deserves punishment) is going to forever alter this young man's life, and the outlook and probability of what he will be like on the other side of it is not favorable.
I know you are very angry and upset with every reason in the world to be. Just a little food for thought...
Wishing you peace and strength during this very difficult time. (((((((hugs))))))
I guess I am going to be the voice of dissent here in stating to just let your son face whatever consequences come his way. He may be 18, but he is still a high school student - this is not an adult its a child.
The charges your son is facing could land him in jail for a very, very, very long time. While I absolutely think he deserves to "face the music", our Court system recognizes that Minors also deserve consideration for the stupidity of being young 18 is but barely "adult" - he is a high school student. This young man has been raised by an alcoholic whom has undermined your parental skills even when you were married. I believe he often courted your children with money, and freedom, when they were quite young. He is still a drunk, and allowing your son freedoms in the house beyond what is appropriate. its just asking for trouble.
While there are good Public Defenders there are crappy ones too just like in the Private System. I question your sons mental state to do such a thing - question whether he has addiction issues himself and/or personality disorder etc. that might be part of the problem.
There are options for punishment here - ones that might work better toward rehabilitating your son. A long term prison sentence (he absolutely deserves punishment) is going to forever alter this young man's life, and the outlook and probability of what he will be like on the other side of it is not favorable.
I know you are very angry and upset with every reason in the world to be. Just a little food for thought...
Wishing you peace and strength during this very difficult time. (((((((hugs))))))
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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While I also agree that prison often inflicts significant damage on inmates, the sole question here is not what's best for the perpetrator. There is also the issue of deterrence that the criminal justice system has to be concerned with. That's one of the challenges to recommending particular sentences. It's a tricky balance.
The mom in me absolutely hopes there is significant consideration given to his youth and absence of criminal record. At the same time, it's hard to see how anything other than a prison sentence would send the right message to others about the seriousness of the crime.
If it were my kid, I'd absolutely want him to have a good lawyer who will fight for leniency. I'd want him to know I love him still, and have hope for him. But I'd also be trying to help him understand why he's in this jam and to accept the consequences with courage and a determination to change the course of his life.
The mom in me absolutely hopes there is significant consideration given to his youth and absence of criminal record. At the same time, it's hard to see how anything other than a prison sentence would send the right message to others about the seriousness of the crime.
If it were my kid, I'd absolutely want him to have a good lawyer who will fight for leniency. I'd want him to know I love him still, and have hope for him. But I'd also be trying to help him understand why he's in this jam and to accept the consequences with courage and a determination to change the course of his life.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Okay people, please limit your post to support of the original poster and the original question.
What you would do in the same situation is not support, it is hijacking the thread.
Mike
Moderator, SR
What you would do in the same situation is not support, it is hijacking the thread.
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Sending more hugs Katchie. My mama heart hurts for you. Nothing can wound us, worry us, or enrage us quite like our kids.
This may be my 'Canadian' showing through here, but I have a question about the gun... I realize if some one wants to get their hands on a gun they can ( I myself am licensed to own firearms), but I'm curious how it came to be, that these inebriated teenagers had such easy access to loaded firearms. Surely some more 'mature' adult is responsible for setting up this situation and deserves some of the blame. Where I am from guns must be properly and safely stored at all times and that is the responsibility of the gun's owner. I am not negating your son's actions, or his need for suitable punishment. I'm just a bit concerned as to how this all could have even happened.
I do agree that there is a fine balance in protecting him from becoming a hardened criminal behind bars, him being served his just desserts AND protecting the public from his behaviour.
There is so many angles at play in this messy, messy situation.
So sorry this is happening. Continue to take good care of yourself.
This may be my 'Canadian' showing through here, but I have a question about the gun... I realize if some one wants to get their hands on a gun they can ( I myself am licensed to own firearms), but I'm curious how it came to be, that these inebriated teenagers had such easy access to loaded firearms. Surely some more 'mature' adult is responsible for setting up this situation and deserves some of the blame. Where I am from guns must be properly and safely stored at all times and that is the responsibility of the gun's owner. I am not negating your son's actions, or his need for suitable punishment. I'm just a bit concerned as to how this all could have even happened.
I do agree that there is a fine balance in protecting him from becoming a hardened criminal behind bars, him being served his just desserts AND protecting the public from his behaviour.
There is so many angles at play in this messy, messy situation.
So sorry this is happening. Continue to take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Katchie 
I've decided I will not be at tomorrow's arraignment. I told my xah firmly i would not be going and he would have to go himself. Its only fair since he was a no-show at the first arraignment. I do have another set of ears going on my behalf though so I will feel comfortable. Apparently, according to my cousins stepdad, the former PD, there is a chance my son can still get a PD instead of a private defender, so we are going for it. Our son is suppose to ask the judge for one tomorrow. Fingers are crossed.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Smallbutmighty, you have a good and true point. Believe me, I have had this in my mind but it hasn't been something that I could address or even know how to address. The answer to your question comes down to my xah. He is a gun owner who has a gun safe, but having a gun safe does no one any good when you can't remember the combination -- yes, he bought a gun safe, he put firearms in it and promptly forgot the combination and didn't place the code somewhere he could find it. Still, the question remains, why weren't these rifles put away with the rest inside the safe? I have no freaking idea. I no longer live there, thank God.
For an update, my son now has representation from a public defender that is suppose to be one of the best criminal defense lawyers in town. I was able to swing this because of my cousins stepdad who made a few calls to the PD's office that is headed by one of his good friends. The plea is not guilty. The preliminary hearing is scheduled for the 3rd. I have mixed feelings. I want him to be scared straight, to be put back in his right mind. I hear there is a glimmer of hope that he may not have to serve any time. I just don't know if that is appropriate. So, I'm going to leave it up to God to take care of and direct as He sees fit. There isn't anything else I can do.
Then, I think to myself, I don't even want to go to the preliminary hearing. Is that bad? I have bent over backwards for so many years for all of my sons and something like this is such a slap in the face - I just don't want any part of it.
I would like to add one more thing, I spoke to my xah about getting to the bottom of our sons possible addiction issues and the need for our son to attend AA or any other support group that may work for him.
It was interesting to hear his thoughts about it and said he supports the idea and thinks its necessary. Funny coming from a guy who said he didn't need it and continues drinking today.
For an update, my son now has representation from a public defender that is suppose to be one of the best criminal defense lawyers in town. I was able to swing this because of my cousins stepdad who made a few calls to the PD's office that is headed by one of his good friends. The plea is not guilty. The preliminary hearing is scheduled for the 3rd. I have mixed feelings. I want him to be scared straight, to be put back in his right mind. I hear there is a glimmer of hope that he may not have to serve any time. I just don't know if that is appropriate. So, I'm going to leave it up to God to take care of and direct as He sees fit. There isn't anything else I can do.
Then, I think to myself, I don't even want to go to the preliminary hearing. Is that bad? I have bent over backwards for so many years for all of my sons and something like this is such a slap in the face - I just don't want any part of it.
I would like to add one more thing, I spoke to my xah about getting to the bottom of our sons possible addiction issues and the need for our son to attend AA or any other support group that may work for him.
It was interesting to hear his thoughts about it and said he supports the idea and thinks its necessary. Funny coming from a guy who said he didn't need it and continues drinking today.
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Originally Posted by Katchie
I would like to add one more thing, I spoke to my xah about getting to the bottom of our sons possible addiction issues and the need for our son to attend AA or any other support group that may work for him.
It was interesting to hear his thoughts about it and said he supports the idea and thinks its necessary. Funny coming from a guy who said he didn't need it and continues drinking today.
It was interesting to hear his thoughts about it and said he supports the idea and thinks its necessary. Funny coming from a guy who said he didn't need it and continues drinking today.
I have no advice or personal experience to offer as my stepson was not nearly so young during his days in jail. He certainly threatened to kill members of his own family, but he never actually did anything.
Just sending more prayers!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Oh, I'm so GLAD to hear about the PD! That's terrific news, and a big load off your already-overburdened mind.
Whether you go to the preliminary hearing is completely up to you. His lawyer should be able to tell you what happens. S/he can't disclose anything confidential, but whatever happens in open court you can hear about.
You never know, sometimes a kid will listen to someone else (like a lawyer) more readily than a parent. The lawyer may be able to get through in a way you could never hope to.
And as far as the possibility he might not serve any more time, if that happens it's what's supposed to happen. All any of us can do is to try to figure out what's the right thing to do under any given set of circumstances, but sometimes the right thing turns out to be what feels like the wrong outcome. That's how I used to try to approach my trials--there's always the urge to "win" but sometimes I'm not supposed to. And that may be the absolute best thing. I know I'm grateful my son didn't have worse consequences for some of his scrapes, but he seems to have come out of them the way one would want him to, so I'm just thankful and try not to think too hard about what "should" have happened.
Whether you go to the preliminary hearing is completely up to you. His lawyer should be able to tell you what happens. S/he can't disclose anything confidential, but whatever happens in open court you can hear about.
You never know, sometimes a kid will listen to someone else (like a lawyer) more readily than a parent. The lawyer may be able to get through in a way you could never hope to.
And as far as the possibility he might not serve any more time, if that happens it's what's supposed to happen. All any of us can do is to try to figure out what's the right thing to do under any given set of circumstances, but sometimes the right thing turns out to be what feels like the wrong outcome. That's how I used to try to approach my trials--there's always the urge to "win" but sometimes I'm not supposed to. And that may be the absolute best thing. I know I'm grateful my son didn't have worse consequences for some of his scrapes, but he seems to have come out of them the way one would want him to, so I'm just thankful and try not to think too hard about what "should" have happened.
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I heard an alanon speaker talk about his experience in prison- double murder of some abusers as a young man and he did hard time for it, lost and alone. As I recall he had some substance issues but not addiction and ended up in some AA meetings in prison (or at least in some stage before being out) and stumbled into Alanon where he started recovery. There was a woman who attended my home group a few times fresh out of a 10 year sentence (she didn't say what charge), she found AA and Alanon as something to do to get her out of solitary- even cleaning the bathrooms was a privilege she jumped at to get out of her cell. But she found recovery too.
I know several AA's who take the program into prisons, rehabs and its pretty amazing.
So even if he ends up doing some time, there is still recovery to be found there if he seeks it
I know several AA's who take the program into prisons, rehabs and its pretty amazing.
So even if he ends up doing some time, there is still recovery to be found there if he seeks it
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Originally Posted by schnappi99
I heard an alanon speaker talk about his experience in prison- double murder of some abusers as a young man and he did hard time for it, lost and alone. As I recall he had some substance issues but not addiction and ended up in some AA meetings in prison (or at least in some stage before being out) and stumbled into Alanon where he started recovery. There was a woman who attended my home group a few times fresh out of a 10 year sentence (she didn't say what charge), she found AA and Alanon as something to do to get her out of solitary- even cleaning the bathrooms was a privilege she jumped at to get out of her cell. But she found recovery too.
I know several AA's who take the program into prisons, rehabs and its pretty amazing.
So even if he ends up doing some time, there is still recovery to be found there if he seeks it
I know several AA's who take the program into prisons, rehabs and its pretty amazing.
So even if he ends up doing some time, there is still recovery to be found there if he seeks it
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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My favorite recovery speaker is Angie P. She is AA but in one of her speeches she spoke of how much she loved Al-Anoner's. Her son was also incarcerated and he found recovery there. Her story is amazing to me. It really helped me to see the alcoholic perspective. Very entertaining and POWERFUL!
Hang in there, Katchie!
Hang in there, Katchie!
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Originally Posted by Jaeger
My favorite recovery speaker is Angie P. She is AA but in one of her speeches she spoke of how much she loved Al-Anoner's. Her son was also incarcerated and he found recovery there. Her story is amazing to me. It really helped me to see the alcoholic perspective. Very entertaining and POWERFUL!
Hang in there, Katchie!
Hang in there, Katchie!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Really happy about the PD Katchie. Whatever happens at least he will have had adequate representation.
At 18 his brain is not fully developed, and access to drugs makes it worse, as well as the criminal negligence of your EXAH. It's legitimate to argue that his youth is a mitigating factor.
At 18 his brain is not fully developed, and access to drugs makes it worse, as well as the criminal negligence of your EXAH. It's legitimate to argue that his youth is a mitigating factor.
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Katchie, there is a guy who is now a ministry leader of a local Celebrate Recovery. His testimony is wonderful. Part of his testimony involves being in jail, realizing he had nothing left but to turn it over to God and reach for recovery. He also talks about how had things not gotten as bad as they were, he likely would have never gotten any better, likely would have died.
There is always hope friend. You are not obligated to go to any hearing or do anything beyond what you have done. You are such a great mom, and now it's time to turn it over to a higher power.
Tight hugs. We are here with you every step of the way.
There is always hope friend. You are not obligated to go to any hearing or do anything beyond what you have done. You are such a great mom, and now it's time to turn it over to a higher power.
Tight hugs. We are here with you every step of the way.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Katchie, there is a guy who is now a ministry leader of a local Celebrate Recovery. His testimony is wonderful. Part of his testimony involves being in jail, realizing he had nothing left but to turn it over to God and reach for recovery. He also talks about how had things not gotten as bad as they were, he likely would have never gotten any better, likely would have died.
There is always hope friend. You are not obligated to go to any hearing or do anything beyond what you have done. You are such a great mom, and now it's time to turn it over to a higher power.
Tight hugs. We are here with you every step of the way.
There is always hope friend. You are not obligated to go to any hearing or do anything beyond what you have done. You are such a great mom, and now it's time to turn it over to a higher power.
Tight hugs. We are here with you every step of the way.
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