He chose the drugs

Old 12-06-2016, 12:04 PM
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He chose the drugs

So I did it, I stuck to my boundaries. I told him that he knew I did not want him trading alcohol for pot. I told him he needed to stop and to get into counseling, which he has consistently refused to do. If he could not do those things he would need to leave. He has chosen to leave.

I am now sitting at work in tears, falling to pieces. He said it was only a little pot, not a big deal. He does not think there is a problem with doing it occasionally and does not see why it worries me. He said he is an adult and does not need to ask my permission to do what he wants. He quit drinking for me and that should be enough.

I don't want him to go, I want him to get counseling to learn healthy coping skills so a little pot does not turn into more or back to drinking. I love my husband but it is killing me that he keeps choosing this junk over me and our life together. Maybe it was just a little and maybe he would never progress. But he hid it and lied about it and this is what is most concerning to me, which I did tell him. But he just keeps saying it is not the same as drinking and it is no big deal.

I am losing my husband of 20 years, the father of my daughter and the man I love. He made these decisions and I feel like the bad guy.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:18 PM
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He can say it was only a little bit and it was no big deal. Of course, he would say that anyway. But what he's missing is that the lies and him still feeding his addictive thinking IS a big deal to you. A little pot or a little alcohol. Same diffrence. For some people is wouldn't be a big deal. But he's not 'some people'. He is an alcoholic, which means he has an addictive nature. So it IS a big deal. It means he isnt emotionalky present or reliable. While he is in addictive thinking (which he will be if he is using or drinking -even a little bit, and not working on his recovery ) he will continue his Peter Pan thinking. His selfishness. His denial.

You're no bad guy. Just realistic and doing what is best for you and your family.

Please don't give in to his quacking,
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:23 PM
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Big hug to you jjnorris. This is really hard stuff and unfortunately for many of us setting boundaries makes us feel like the bad guy.

No one is the bad guy here. He is an adult and gets to choose how he wants to live and the same goes for you. You get to choose what you want in your life.

For me it was less about the drugs with my qualifier and more about him refusing to take seriously factors that led to the drugs. I cried a lot.

The best book I found for this time of grief was How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Its an easy comforting read that was written some time ago.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:28 PM
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He's right about one thing. He's an adult and does not need to ask your permission to do what he wants.

Of COURSE you want him not to leave, but rather to make the changes you want him to make. But he has the same right to make choices that you do. You've made the (eminently reasonable) choice that you won't live with creeping addiction. Because that's what it is. I've never personally known any alcoholic who has successfully smoked a little pot and never picked up another drink. When you're an addict, one definitely leads to the other. It's still escape from reality, and when you're an addict, that's what you're chasing. So I can virtually guarantee it wouldn't remain an occasional toke or two.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:30 PM
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I am sorry your are hurting.

Big tight hugs to you and your daughter.

Addiction bites
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:01 PM
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True, he is an adult and can choose whether or not he wants to smoke "a little" pot. But you have every right to be upset about that and not like it.

One thing to keep in mind: Addicts tend to minimize their use...."I only had a few beers with the guys after work", "It's just a little pot, no big deal.." "I only use once in a while, not every day", "It was just a few beers, that's all; no hard liquor.....". Same with someone who cheats on you. "We're just friends"....oh, really? Hmmmm. That's not what she's saying....

Ok, you get the drift. If they tell it's just a bit or a little, you can safely assume it's more than what they say and will continue to grow into even more. Addiction is progressive.
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:11 PM
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Often addicts swap one addiction for another. Booze to pot, pot to pills, pills to heroin, it’s always something else they seem to grasp onto as their life line. I once read that addiction lives in the same part of the brain that tells them to breath. We the loved ones are perceived as the pillow that’s going to smother that big barking beast of addiction, so it barks louder, it runs away, it fights to live on.

I think if it were merely just a simple choice of choosing loving people and a nice home over taking drugs or having to drink alcohol……..none of us would be here, there’d be no such things as addiction but sadly that is not true.

As much as you feel the effects from his addition it really has nothing at all to do with you or what you could do or should do or could have done……………..this is all on him and his choices in life…….to love an addict is to run out of tears, it’s not easy we know.
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:55 PM
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jjnorris

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in right now. Sometimes when we give an ultimatum that seems reasonable to us, we feel certain that our loved ones will, of course, choose us. But many times, they don't, when it comes to addiction.

I am sorry that your husband chose the "or" option. I grieve for you and your child, and I am sad for him. The only thing I can offer are prayers, and hugs

Please try to take very good care of yourself!
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:32 PM
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But he hid it and lied about it and this is what is most concerning to me, which I did tell him. But he just keeps saying it is not the same as drinking and it is no big deal.
Of course the lies are most concerning, as they should be. Lying IS a big deal. A huge deal. Hiding his drug use is a big deal too. If it wasn't that big of a deal then why not give it up?

Sadly, the odds are excellent he'll progress to more pot, maybe other drugs, most likely drink again. That's how addiction works. Addicts can't moderate.

I'm so very sorry you're in pain. Praying for you, jj, and your child.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:41 PM
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jjn- thankyou for sharing your brave and honest thoughts. Unfortunately they are not unique. I learnt that the hard way. I am the alcoholic who destroyed my family- after 30 years. My ex- is now processing the divorce papers (which btw, I agreed with everything she asked for with clumsy grace- least I can do). I wish I knew then....
I think there is nothing at all wrong in your questioning hubby's behaviour. It is not about how you treat him. He is being secretive and lying. Classic addictive( priority for using drugs/alcohol) behaviour (as I know it). You deserve to be loved, feel safe and have a good life- not to baby sit an adult.
Sending thoughts, prayers and support. PJ
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Old 12-06-2016, 10:17 PM
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jj...hugs dear. So many of us know exactly how you feel. There are no two ways about it, addiction sucks. He wouldn't need to lie if what he said were the truth. I don't know what hurts worse -- the lying or the hope we hold on to. I was married 22 years. I held to my boundary that if he was drunk, don't come home. So, in classic fashion, he drank and didn't come home. It hurt. A lot.
Keep moving forward. Focus on YOUR recovery through Alanon. Keep reading and posting...you will gain strength! big big tight hugs friend.
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Old 12-07-2016, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by jjnorris View Post

I am losing my husband of 20 years, the father of my daughter and the man I love. He made these decisions and I feel like the bad guy.
I am in your same boat. Married 20 years to a pot smoker, horrible mood swings, and he has totally checked out of the marriage. And now I have too. Last night he tells me he is going to call "his guy" because he "just can't" and am I ok with that. After the shock wore off, I just said, "you're an adult, it's your money." And I'm filing after the new year.

I feel like the bad guy too. And I resent that I have to do all the hard work, right up until the end. But you know what? I "just can't" either. You are doing the right thing. They're not really there. If you're going to be alone, may as well be alone.
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Old 12-07-2016, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by carolineno View Post
They're not really there. If you're going to be alone, may as well be alone.
So very true. I always wanted to enjoy walking the dogs w/XAH. In the early years, that was the case. As time went on, he complained constantly--I walked too fast, it was too cold/too hot out, I didn't make the dogs behave in the way he thought they should, I shouldn't talk to him b/c he couldn't hear me w/the wind in his ears--you name it. Yet I continued to try to have "a nice walk" w/him and the dogs, over and over and over--it was one of my "it'll be different this time" addict-type habits.

And it never really was different--maybe once in a while, but mostly it sucked, no matter how I tried to do things to please him (bought warm gloves for his hands, made sure to match his pace). Once I realized that that was the time of the day that the last of the alcohol was finally leaving his system and he no doubt felt horrible, I began to understand why nothing was ever good enough--and actually, to be amazed that he even tried!

Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. Since we've ended things, I've had any number of really great walks w/my dogs, seeing things of amazing beauty all. the. time. I sometimes think "gosh, wish XAH could see this"--but then I realize that even if he was there, he still wouldn't see it. He's continued down his path, and there is no doubt, it has diverged from mine. And it really and truly IS less lonely to be alone than w/someone who isn't really there...
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Old 12-07-2016, 02:04 PM
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Hugs and good thoughts to you, jjnorris. It's always a sad thing when those we love don't choose us. Someone posted this on this site not too long ago, and it has been coming back to me a lot lately: addicts put people into 2 categories: those who help them to drink/drug or, at least, don't get in the way. And those who do get in the way, i. e., the loved ones who want them to straighten out and do the right thing. Right now, to your husband, you are in the second category. I am sorry for that, and I hope that won't always be the case. You must do what you must. I wish you peace and love.
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Old 12-07-2016, 02:22 PM
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Oh this is so difficult. A big hug for getting through this wretched time. Addicts lie, they minimize. This is typical behavior.
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Old 12-07-2016, 06:40 PM
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I'm an alcoholic and I am special. i have a disease that is cured by not picking up alcohol or any mind altering substance. I'm lucky in that regard. He is kidding himself that it's only pot. And, if says he quit drinking for you, he isn't enjoying sobriety, he just isn't drinking. He needs to work a program to learn to love himself and truly find serenity. You can be a motivation but he needs to get sober for himself and you and everyone in his life benefits from his new life
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Old 12-08-2016, 09:33 PM
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Sorry for your pain. Stay strong and true in your beliefs.
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