honeypig

So very true. I always wanted to enjoy walking the dogs w/XAH. In the early years, that was the case. As time went on, he complained constantly--I walked too fast, it was too cold/too hot out, I didn't make the dogs behave in the way he thought they should, I shouldn't talk to him b/c he couldn't hear me w/the wind in his ears--you name it. Yet I continued to try to have "a nice walk" w/him and the dogs, over and over and over--it was one of my "it'll be different this time" addict-type habits.

And it never really was different--maybe once in a while, but mostly it sucked, no matter how I tried to do things to please him (bought warm gloves for his hands, made sure to match his pace). Once I realized that that was the time of the day that the last of the alcohol was finally leaving his system and he no doubt felt horrible, I began to understand why nothing was ever good enough--and actually, to be amazed that he even tried!

Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. Since we've ended things, I've had any number of really great walks w/my dogs, seeing things of amazing beauty all. the. time. I sometimes think "gosh, wish XAH could see this"--but then I realize that even if he was there, he still wouldn't see it. He's continued down his path, and there is no doubt, it has diverged from mine. And it really and truly IS less lonely to be alone than w/someone who isn't really there...