jjn- thankyou for sharing your brave and honest thoughts. Unfortunately they are not unique. I learnt that the hard way. I am the alcoholic who destroyed my family- after 30 years. My ex- is now processing the divorce papers (which btw, I agreed with everything she asked for with clumsy grace- least I can do). I wish I knew then....
I think there is nothing at all wrong in your questioning hubby's behaviour. It is not about how you treat him. He is being secretive and lying. Classic addictive( priority for using drugs/alcohol) behaviour (as I know it). You deserve to be loved, feel safe and have a good life- not to baby sit an adult.
Sending thoughts, prayers and support. PJ