Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It doesn't matter who her friends are or what they say. This is HER--on alcohol.
And I wasn't suggesting for one second that you did anything remotely wrong by "blowing her cover and disrupting her comfortable existence." I'm just saying that's how she perceives your perfectly reasonable (not to mention responsible) actions. It's a defense mechanism, and it's due to the alcoholism, not anything you did.
And I wasn't suggesting for one second that you did anything remotely wrong by "blowing her cover and disrupting her comfortable existence." I'm just saying that's how she perceives your perfectly reasonable (not to mention responsible) actions. It's a defense mechanism, and it's due to the alcoholism, not anything you did.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
The one other thing I have decided in my heart is that our marriage is broken.
With infidelity and lies I'm not sure you can every trust anyone to the same level again. Marriage is trust on many levels including financial and future. I have also made a personal decision that maybe one day I would leave the door open for reconcile (without marriage) if she every got her **** together. I know it's hard to talk about these things in the early stages. I also know my mind may change many months from now and I have no control over timelines. Part of me feels like if there was ever true regret and remorse I would give it a shot for our child.
Like I said ...I have to take it one day at a time. Then again we will see how nasty this divorce gets.
With infidelity and lies I'm not sure you can every trust anyone to the same level again. Marriage is trust on many levels including financial and future. I have also made a personal decision that maybe one day I would leave the door open for reconcile (without marriage) if she every got her **** together. I know it's hard to talk about these things in the early stages. I also know my mind may change many months from now and I have no control over timelines. Part of me feels like if there was ever true regret and remorse I would give it a shot for our child.
Like I said ...I have to take it one day at a time. Then again we will see how nasty this divorce gets.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
I am in a similar situation, divorcing AW, have two kids. My STBXAW did same stuff, lies, sleeping around.
I first started divorce some 6months ago, but reconsidered. A couple of more relapses and I was convinced it was the only option.
You have a good plan to wait a long time before reconciliation. Don't worry about her friends or family, they don't know the real truth. Keep your head up and PM me if you want to bro-down about this.
I first started divorce some 6months ago, but reconsidered. A couple of more relapses and I was convinced it was the only option.
You have a good plan to wait a long time before reconciliation. Don't worry about her friends or family, they don't know the real truth. Keep your head up and PM me if you want to bro-down about this.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sam,
You are doing great with all your questions. Alcoholics put us in a pattern. They drink, screw up, apologize and repeat. This is the typical codie life, until it's not. Then codies change the game thats playing. The player doesn't like it and will do what ever it takes to get back to normal. They get really angry, and as usual tell us what loses we are and we are to blame for all their misery. Once the codies are aware of the change in their game rules, we know not to engage. Addicts like to control everything because their life internally is so out of control.
You are doing what's best for you and your child. You hope in the future it will include her, but it doesn't have too. I finally realized that even though I loved my addict, I don't have to live with them and tolerate their abuse. When I accepted the fact that I did not have the power to fix my addict and could only take care of me, my life slowly fell into place.
I am 2 years post divorce after 34 years together. I am doing good, nothing has changed with him. He still is not working much, still paryting, has a terrible relationship with our kids, but I don't have to solve this for him and try and fix him. It makes my life a lot less stressful not having to worry about it. One day maybe he will see what everyone else does, but maybe not.
Hugs my friend, take your time and figure it out. It will all fall into place the way God had in tended it too.
You are doing great with all your questions. Alcoholics put us in a pattern. They drink, screw up, apologize and repeat. This is the typical codie life, until it's not. Then codies change the game thats playing. The player doesn't like it and will do what ever it takes to get back to normal. They get really angry, and as usual tell us what loses we are and we are to blame for all their misery. Once the codies are aware of the change in their game rules, we know not to engage. Addicts like to control everything because their life internally is so out of control.
You are doing what's best for you and your child. You hope in the future it will include her, but it doesn't have too. I finally realized that even though I loved my addict, I don't have to live with them and tolerate their abuse. When I accepted the fact that I did not have the power to fix my addict and could only take care of me, my life slowly fell into place.
I am 2 years post divorce after 34 years together. I am doing good, nothing has changed with him. He still is not working much, still paryting, has a terrible relationship with our kids, but I don't have to solve this for him and try and fix him. It makes my life a lot less stressful not having to worry about it. One day maybe he will see what everyone else does, but maybe not.
Hugs my friend, take your time and figure it out. It will all fall into place the way God had in tended it too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by maia1234 
Sam,
You are doing great with all your questions. Alcoholics put us in a pattern. They drink, screw up, apologize and repeat. This is the typical codie life, until it's not. Then codies change the game thats playing. The player doesn't like it and will do what ever it takes to get back to normal. They get really angry, and as usual tell us what loses we are and we are to blame for all their misery. Once the codies are aware of the change in their game rules, we know not to engage. Addicts like to control everything because their life internally is so out of control.
You are doing what's best for you and your child. You hope in the future it will include her, but it doesn't have too. I finally realized that even though I loved my addict, I don't have to live with them and tolerate their abuse. When I accepted the fact that I did not have the power to fix my addict and could only take care of me, my life slowly fell into place.
I am 2 years post divorce after 34 years together. I am doing good, nothing has changed with him. He still is not working much, still paryting, has a terrible relationship with our kids, but I don't have to solve this for him and try and fix him. It makes my life a lot less stressful not having to worry about it. One day maybe he will see what everyone else does, but maybe not.
Hugs my friend, take your time and figure it out. It will all fall into place the way God had in tended it too.
You are doing great with all your questions. Alcoholics put us in a pattern. They drink, screw up, apologize and repeat. This is the typical codie life, until it's not. Then codies change the game thats playing. The player doesn't like it and will do what ever it takes to get back to normal. They get really angry, and as usual tell us what loses we are and we are to blame for all their misery. Once the codies are aware of the change in their game rules, we know not to engage. Addicts like to control everything because their life internally is so out of control.
You are doing what's best for you and your child. You hope in the future it will include her, but it doesn't have too. I finally realized that even though I loved my addict, I don't have to live with them and tolerate their abuse. When I accepted the fact that I did not have the power to fix my addict and could only take care of me, my life slowly fell into place.
I am 2 years post divorce after 34 years together. I am doing good, nothing has changed with him. He still is not working much, still paryting, has a terrible relationship with our kids, but I don't have to solve this for him and try and fix him. It makes my life a lot less stressful not having to worry about it. One day maybe he will see what everyone else does, but maybe not.
Hugs my friend, take your time and figure it out. It will all fall into place the way God had in tended it too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sam,
She knows , you don't need to tell her, again. I am sure you have had many discussions regarding her drinking problem. They say to let the addict find the rehab and make the call, to figure it out. Us enablers need to stay out of their recovery. More chance of true recovery if they start the work before they get in, they need to want to be there and recover.
Of course she is angry, "you" are getting your way...haha. tell her that she knows what she needs to do. You are staying out of it. The divorce plans are still on the table till you see long term changes. She feels that she will give you a couple weeks of being a good girl and then things can return to status quo. Wrong
Good luck my friend, could be a rough day with her.
She knows , you don't need to tell her, again. I am sure you have had many discussions regarding her drinking problem. They say to let the addict find the rehab and make the call, to figure it out. Us enablers need to stay out of their recovery. More chance of true recovery if they start the work before they get in, they need to want to be there and recover.
Of course she is angry, "you" are getting your way...haha. tell her that she knows what she needs to do. You are staying out of it. The divorce plans are still on the table till you see long term changes. She feels that she will give you a couple weeks of being a good girl and then things can return to status quo. Wrong
Good luck my friend, could be a rough day with her.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
Sam1, my mother has given us up (her children and her beloved grandchildren) to the bottle. I, like you, cannot fathom how a woman can give up her family so easily, but that is just how insidious alcoholism really is for all who are involved. I am sorry for your pain. You are doing the right thing. Don't get attached to any outcomes though. I used to make boundaries that I thought would manipulate my mother into getting help. Now my boundaries are just about me keeping my family life peaceful and healthy. I have accepted that my mom's path is her path and I do not have any control over her self destruction.
Well said and thanks for posting this DD , I took a lot from this post of yours.
Xx
Sam , you have done the right thing. You really have , I hope she gets better soon xx
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Sam1
Gezzz. I'm reading my own story from a few years back. The anger is like something out of a horror movie. From being honest to lying 95% of the time to me just blew me away. Who is this person... The cheating and denial of that and the blaming me for everything to anyone who will listen. It was bad.
Every time I heard a ambulance and she had the kids my mind went there as she had no problem DD with ours and other kids in the car.
I filed for divorce and it was pure spite and her trying to discredit me. It was soooo tough. I would make sure you have a support system and a strong one. Alanon, a church men's group etc...
It SUCKS being in that spot but it WILL get better once you make it through.
Feel free to PM me.
AG
Gezzz. I'm reading my own story from a few years back. The anger is like something out of a horror movie. From being honest to lying 95% of the time to me just blew me away. Who is this person... The cheating and denial of that and the blaming me for everything to anyone who will listen. It was bad.
Every time I heard a ambulance and she had the kids my mind went there as she had no problem DD with ours and other kids in the car.
I filed for divorce and it was pure spite and her trying to discredit me. It was soooo tough. I would make sure you have a support system and a strong one. Alanon, a church men's group etc...
It SUCKS being in that spot but it WILL get better once you make it through.
Feel free to PM me.
AG
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sam...I think that the denial of her disease will not allow her to face the truth that the alcoholism is destroying the marriage (at least, the major reason, as I read you)....
Obviously, she wants to have the marriage..but, is not ready to face giving up the alcohol. You know that a marriage can't be "fixed" when the active drinking is in play.
You will have to go with what YOU know..no matter what she says or promises.... She is not capable of keeping her promises, at this time.....
dandylion
Obviously, she wants to have the marriage..but, is not ready to face giving up the alcohol. You know that a marriage can't be "fixed" when the active drinking is in play.
You will have to go with what YOU know..no matter what she says or promises.... She is not capable of keeping her promises, at this time.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
To all,
A quick update. So I'm still moving forward with the divorce process due to the alcoholism and endangerment of our child. My wife has sobered up (forced by courts) and started confessing everything to me. How she knows she drank way too much, how she should not have been driving our child around. Here is the kicker ......she has been carrying on a 6 month affair with a childhood ex bf. All of the crap she was pulling was a deflection of her guilt. Her guilt led to more drinking.....her drinking led to dangerous actions, anger towards me and just general hate. Now that she's sober she is remorseful and apologizing about everything. Telling me she doesn't want the marriage to end.....etc. etc.
I know she is only about 1-2 weeks out of the alcoholism...... Just seems like it's one twist to another. It's like one was feeding the other.
All I know is none of this is normal wife/parenting for a young child......something seriously wrong
A quick update. So I'm still moving forward with the divorce process due to the alcoholism and endangerment of our child. My wife has sobered up (forced by courts) and started confessing everything to me. How she knows she drank way too much, how she should not have been driving our child around. Here is the kicker ......she has been carrying on a 6 month affair with a childhood ex bf. All of the crap she was pulling was a deflection of her guilt. Her guilt led to more drinking.....her drinking led to dangerous actions, anger towards me and just general hate. Now that she's sober she is remorseful and apologizing about everything. Telling me she doesn't want the marriage to end.....etc. etc.
I know she is only about 1-2 weeks out of the alcoholism...... Just seems like it's one twist to another. It's like one was feeding the other.
All I know is none of this is normal wife/parenting for a young child......something seriously wrong
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
Addiction is a crap cycle. I know- I destroyed my marriage. In support of my ex (so the point being in support of you) and 2 adult son's- the best thing she could do was cut me loose. Safety, well being, growth, peace and actually looking forward to life instead of over your shoulder. Thinking of you- and my prayers to you all- including your ex. I hope for at least her own sake she can heal. PJ
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There are often layers on layers of "truth" and it may seem like all the cards are now on the table...but who knows?
She drank because she was having an affair...or was she having an affair because she was drinking? And six months is a long time to live a lie...
She drank because she was having an affair...or was she having an affair because she was drinking? And six months is a long time to live a lie...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I know she is only about 1-2 weeks out of the alcoholism
My ex was pretty remorseful after I moved out...confessed to some things with some prodding....sobered up for a couple months, then started blaming me again and fell right back off the wagon.
My point is, that it is relatively easy to shape up ($h!t, shower and shave so to speak) when you're under the gun of the courts, custody and divorce. Under those circumstances unless you are really ready to clean up your life, it is really really difficult to stay that way.
Hang in there, man, and keep doing the next right things for you and the kids. It takes so much strength and courage to do what you are doing. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by sam1
Why does it hurt so much to feel like I'm giving up on the love of my life though 
I know what I can and can't accept in marriage.....but for some reason I still love her.
I know what I can and can't accept in marriage.....but for some reason I still love her.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
There are often layers on layers of "truth" and it may seem like all the cards are now on the table...but who knows?
She drank because she was having an affair...or was she having an affair because she was drinking? And six months is a long time to live a lie...
She drank because she was having an affair...or was she having an affair because she was drinking? And six months is a long time to live a lie...
clue why she drank but I do know the drinking was more than it should have been before the affair.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by firebolt
She's not out of the alcoholism, Sam. Shes (hopefully) sober and able to see a small amount of the damage shes caused. Who knows what the future holds for her sobriety...I hope she seeks lifelong recovery for the sake of her children.
My ex was pretty remorseful after I moved out...confessed to some things with some prodding....sobered up for a couple months, then started blaming me again and fell right back off the wagon.
My point is, that it is relatively easy to shape up ($h!t, shower and shave so to speak) when you're under the gun of the courts, custody and divorce. Under those circumstances unless you are really ready to clean up your life, it is really really difficult to stay that way.
Hang in there, man, and keep doing the next right things for you and the kids. It takes so much strength and courage to do what you are doing. (((HUGS)))
My ex was pretty remorseful after I moved out...confessed to some things with some prodding....sobered up for a couple months, then started blaming me again and fell right back off the wagon.
My point is, that it is relatively easy to shape up ($h!t, shower and shave so to speak) when you're under the gun of the courts, custody and divorce. Under those circumstances unless you are really ready to clean up your life, it is really really difficult to stay that way.
Hang in there, man, and keep doing the next right things for you and the kids. It takes so much strength and courage to do what you are doing. (((HUGS)))
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I agree that it's right to continue on your current course to divorce and concentrate on protecting your daughter.
It's still very early in her recovery, and a relapse is always a danger. If in the best case she stays sober, it will help to have a co-parent you can trust. But long term sobriety is a hard road and she's barely started. You need to be in a position to take your daughter if she relapses. You say her sobriety was court mandated, so you have a record of her alcoholism.
I'm glad she's come to her senses and is apologising for her behaviour. That helps at least. I just hope she's told her family as well.
It's still very early in her recovery, and a relapse is always a danger. If in the best case she stays sober, it will help to have a co-parent you can trust. But long term sobriety is a hard road and she's barely started. You need to be in a position to take your daughter if she relapses. You say her sobriety was court mandated, so you have a record of her alcoholism.
I'm glad she's come to her senses and is apologising for her behaviour. That helps at least. I just hope she's told her family as well.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Stay strong Sam1. I agree that letting her go is best for her, YOU and your child!
My exAH was also remorseful after I moved out and then a few weeks later got a DUI /crashed his car and then most recently had a huge bender that landed him in detox and now in-patient treatment center. In between both relapses he begged for me back and couldn't understand why I wasn't giving him/us another chance. They don't quite understand yet... they're still so newly not-drinking. It's been hard but worth it to let go.
My exAH was also remorseful after I moved out and then a few weeks later got a DUI /crashed his car and then most recently had a huge bender that landed him in detox and now in-patient treatment center. In between both relapses he begged for me back and couldn't understand why I wasn't giving him/us another chance. They don't quite understand yet... they're still so newly not-drinking. It's been hard but worth it to let go.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 89
That's the thing.....I wonder if she is truly remorseful of the affair or the fact that she got caught. The drinking I'm sure was a big part of the affair. Trust me I saw the drinking and guilt get worse the longer it went on. The level of anger and guilt that was directed at me was insane.
So everyone telling me a couple weeks of sobriety will not allow a person to see things clearly yet? How long does it take for someone to get back to normal, if ever.
So everyone telling me a couple weeks of sobriety will not allow a person to see things clearly yet? How long does it take for someone to get back to normal, if ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sam....I am familiar with 2years as a rule of thumb...providing that they are working an intense program of recovery....like--working the steps of AA, sponsor, and individual therapy, as an adjunct.
It requires sobriety to be the number one priority (at all times)...and, it requires a lot of commitment of time and a wiliness to do whatever it takes....
It requires sobriety to be the number one priority (at all times)...and, it requires a lot of commitment of time and a wiliness to do whatever it takes....
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