sam1

Wow.....
2 Years that blows me away.
I honestly don't think she is doing any AA, sponsors or inpatient treatment. I believe she is trying to kick this all on her own. She may or may not have gone to a few AA meetings. This is crazy......so you guys are telling me what little remorse and truth I'm getting right now is no where near recovery. My fear is that when this court ordered period is over she goes right back to drinking and hate.

atalose

She is never going to be “out of the alcoholism” she is an alcoholic and will be for the rest of her life. She may “not” currently be drinking because a court forced her to stop but alcoholism is for life and at best she can go into remission. The drinking is a symptom of a much deeper issue and if she faces those deeper issues she has a chance but if she doesn't she won't and her cycle of drinking will continue.

If I were you I’d continue on the course you are on with protecting your child and only time can and will reveal more about her seriousness to stop drinking and get control over her own life.

It’s been my experience that the remorse comes when they are forced to face certain things, like a court! Her words may sounds good, her voice may sound better but she is still an alcoholic who will always be just one bad decision away from relapse. It takes a long while like a year or two for of them being totally sober from all substances to get back to what we consider "normal".

sam1

That's my major concern. As soon as I let her back in she will crap on me again.

FireSprite

I think dandy's right about the 2-yr mark but I'll add that they don't ever "go back to normal" because that would include a return to drinking & bad behaviors. They have to work on creating a "new normal" which is impossible until they physiologically detox & rebuild general health (nutrition, sleep, etc.).

Sobriety is one thing, but RECOVERY is quite another.

My story goes (you can search my history if you want all the details) that RAH stayed sober for 2 yrs without working recovery & his relapse was far worse than his original "bottom"..... but once he committed to Recovery, it's been an entire world of difference.

atalose

Then don't let her back in!!! it's that simple. She has to prove herself and that takes time, a lot of time for an alcoholic. These boards are filled with posts on how the loved one believed the "words" and took them back right away before they even proved themselves. And since you don't believe she is working any kind of a real program, giving thought to taking her back is an issue you need to address for yourself.

Have you given any thought to attending al-anon?

Refiner

And I'd like to add that your "new normal" will also most likely include always looking over your shoulder for another guy, watching for signs that she's been drinking, etc. etc. Unless she's willing to fully commit to a LIFE LONG program to get her brain rewired and keep it rewired, it's unlikely to "stick" unfortunately.

sam1

In my opinion she hasn't proved anything. Two weeks of sobriety and remorse/coming clean about the affair doesn't fix the issue. I am glad to know that all my gut feelings were true and all the blame shifting was just that "garbage". I believe the drinking started.....than the affair happened....than the guilt and drinking took over. Two weeks ago I was the crazy one and now I'm sitting here with apologies and lets make it work.

sam1

Part of me wants to end the marriage amicably living separately. With the option of counselling and possible reconcile later. The affair has broke me honestly. That's a deal breaker in marriage for me. Our child is the one that gets effected the most by this long term. There has to be consequences to actions in life. Vows have been broken....booze or no booze.

teatreeoil007

How, long; if ever? I sure cannot answer that question.

Many many folks firmly believe that cheating and addiction are two separate issues, so there you have it. The two seem to overlap at times. For example, if she is out drinking and taking in the bar scene, she may be more likely to stray because temptation is knocking right there at her door...whatever restraints may have been in place to say 'no' are likely not going to be there....

There are many people who just don't cheat or have indiscriminate sex ever, whether they are drinking or not. So, her propensity to stray may have been somewhere inside her regardless. In other words, she may have strayed with or without alcohol. And she may or may have not drank with or without cheating. It's also possible the people she decided to drink with had no qualms about cheating and that could been all the encouragement she needed. It's hard to say. The drinking and cheating may have just coincided with one another. I know many people who stray and no addiction is present.

Will she ever return to normal? I don't think anyone can say for sure. It's a daily thing for a person to stay sober and to stop cheating is a battle too that many serial cheaters have take one day at a time. Cheating can be a type of addiction as well. Some people are addicted to sex and also addicted to sexual conquests. If was just about the sex with no underlying emotional attachments, that's different than an ongoing affair in which there is strong emotional attachments. There are different types of cheating, in my mind. Even being financially unfaithful and lying about it can be seen as a form of cheating.

Maybe this is too long of an answer, so I apologize if it is. I think you're wondering if you and she can ever get back what you once had when you were so in love at the beginning before any of this happened? I really don't have an answer for that one. It all depends. So sorry for what you're going through.

Zak68

Sounds a lot like my story Sam1. I went through it for 6 years before it all came crashing down. Her affair, her DUI, suicide attempts. She denied her addiction for years and I was the bad guy for insinuating that she had a problem. Tried to get her family to see and help but they put the burden on my shoulders. She always did her best to hide it when they were around to make sure I had no moral support.
You are doing the right thing. Be strong. Be calm. If she places the blame on you calmly tell her the things you said here, you never put the bottle to her mouth. You tried to stop it. She made the personal choice to have an affair, you didn't put them together. Ultimately it was her choice.
I wasn't perfect either. I enabled. I walked around the monstrous pink elephant in the room. I made excuses when she was too drunk to stand and people questioned. I finally decided enough was enough and told her it was done.
Long story, suicide attempt, rehab, separated, back together, she's been sober since 2009.
Ultimately, you decide what being happy in your life means. Don't settle for what was if things have changed. Be the rock your child can depend on and don't compromise to appease her.
People change. Doesn't mean we have to like it, accept it, or stick around waiting for the train to jump tracks and crash.

sam1

So you are still together with your wife?
I personally still care for her. The **** she has done with the affair and drinking is inexcusable in the marriage (my opinion). I honestly feel the base foundation of the marriage is destroyed. This does not mean I wont talk to her.... support her emotionally because she is the mother of my child. I'm making the choice to not financially tie myself to someone that can destroy everything with one relapse. I've worked so hard in my life to live well and plan for the future. I refuse to let an addiction wipe that all out in one swipe. Fool me once shame on you......fool me twice shame on me. This does not mean we will never reconcile.....it means I will not reconcile with marriage. Sorry if that sounds selfish but it's time I worry about my future and my daughters future. All this alcohol spending could go to a college fund.

Zak68

I am. TBH I took her back for the kids. I wanted so long to see the woman I married I pushed my pain aside. Not really happy but I'm still with her. I see her and love her, just not "in love" with her after everything.
Part of me wishes I had the strength to do what is right for me. I guess instead of enabling her drinking I'm enabling a sub-par marriage now.

teatreeoil007

Another piece to this that I wanted to talk about was the issue of her blaming you; which you have brought up a few times....

Blaming the spouse or SO, or their boss, their family, or their past religion, their childhood, or whatever is SOOOooooo typical of anyone who does not want to take responsibility for their own faulty behavior. Addicts and cheaters both are rather adept at justifying their behavior too.

So, they usually default to blaming (whoever/whatever they can blame) and justifying.

Are you a perfect person who meets all her needs? No, I'd guess not, but it's not realistic to expect that of anyone. So, she may blame you for whatever: "Not being there for her", "Not being supportive enough", or "Not giving her what she needs". The list goes on, but you get my drift.

One of the biggest reasons they blame and justify is because it's too painful [maybe scary] for them to look within their self and see the black hole or void that is within them; to look at the reality of their self. If they look at their self honestly, they would see someone who is not happy and if they look at the true reasons for that unhappiness, it just might be too hard for them to face. I believe in most cases, they really and truly do not like their self; let alone love their self.

The people in her life such as you, can love her to pieces, but if she doesn't love herself, she will never quite be happy no matter what else is going on around her or what other people do for her. I'd be willing to bet that the first episode of cheating brought her a certain amount of satisfaction, but it didn't last. Getting drunk has brought a certain amount of 'feel-good', but it never lasts.

I don't want to call it 'normal' because it's an abberration, but you can just expect her to blame you and she may continue to blame you for whatever she can blame you for. Addicts have an affinity for finding a scapegoat and sticking with that scapegoat until they find another one. Right now, you are her ideal scapegoat because you are the 'bad guy' who is calling her out on all her B.S. and has decided to no longer put up with it. It doesn't sound like anyone else in her life, like her family is doing any of that right now. But give it time. If she keeps on this trajectory she will one by one burn her way through her bridges. Sad. Hang in there and keep doing the next right thing.

FeelingGreat

Sam1 I'm a recovered A, on a less extreme scale to your AW from what you say, and it really takes a good year just to get rid of the habit and cravings of alcohol. That's just me and there are many variations. After that you have to learn deal with life sober, and it takes a lot of practice. Everyone has their own method. I didn't go to AA, but used my GP for support, as well as SR.

It often only takes a small slip to start again because you've re-wired your brain and it's going to be super-receptive to alcohol forever, like a smoker is receptive to cigarettes.

I say to emphasise that no matter how sincere she is, it's a long road ahead. If she stays sober, I'm sure her personality and perception will gradually improve.

teatreeoil007

How's it going Sam?

sam1

Missing my wife of old during the holidays lol. She seemed to be doing alot better when I briefly saw her. I'm estimating 3 weeks sober now. Hard to look at herror and realize just a few months ago she was this cheating monster. Now she seems to be back to the women I married

LexieCat

She's still the woman who did all those things--including cheating on you. That doesn't just miraculously go away--it's not like an exorcism where you drive out the demon and are left with the person before she was possessed. She has a long way to go to create a new personality--one that doesn't depend on alcohol to function. Someday she might be a better, stronger person than she was before, but as I said, a long way to go. And simply "not drinking" doesn't bring about those necessary changes.

sam1

Thanks. I also agree that she did all this stuff...unfortunately its very destructive behaviour that i had no control over. I unfortunately have to deal with the mess

sam1

So another update. I have done some research on the affair partner (I know this is part of the codependency.... I really should let it go but I needed to know). The dude has been in jail for the past 6 years.....serious ....serious crimes. Has had a criminal past from youth. Now that he knows the jig is up he has dropped her....."my wife" which I held on a pedestal and in high regard.... A professional women. Dropped by a low life of society that has gone back to his GF (or never left). The research turns up drug charges, resisting arrest, theft. Just a mess... I can't wrap my head around this ...... its almost like the affair was a high just like the alcohol. Mediation comes soon.....currently she is sober and we communicate calmly but who knows how long. I hope it is maintained for our child's sake. I can't actively be a part of such dysfunction and abuse. I have just come to the conclusion that all of these things including the drinking are her choices and only hers to deal with. It is her choice on how she wants to proceed in her life. Alcoholism is just a nasty..... nasty disease. It makes the people you love into monsters. Things I would never think were possible over many years with her. I have also noticed it brings around all the bad influences and people that support the bad behavior.

Very hard to deal or comprehend the active deception alcoholics can actually carry on in their lives.

dandylion

Sam1.....thanks for the update! I agree that none of us who haven't walked in their shoes can possibly comprehend the powerful force of addiction, and how it feels.....

I am glad that you continue to do the best thing for the welfare of yourself and your child....
After all, that is the only thing that you have control over.....