Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
She doesn't have to be bipolar to behave that way. It could very well just be another bit of denial going on. I'm not saying whether she is or isn't, just that it isn't necessary to explain the behavior you're seeing.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey Sam, I would think time is on your side; more will be revealed.
It's a Jungian idea that the more you push some feeling/thought/habit away the more powerful it gets. I suppose this explains the kindling effect and suggests when she falls off the wagon it will be bad.
On the other hand . . . my qualifier, meth addict, never did a program, and as far as I know has been sober for 20 years. He did go to jail for 3 years. I asked him how he remained sober and he said three things: he had a work skill he could go back to as soon as he got out of jail; he had a faith and lastly he had kids who he was super bonded with that he didn't want to lose.
I don't know if this is the advice you had in mind. I suppose you could delay the divorce until after the court order is over and see what happens. It does seem unlikely that she will remain sober.
Courage and strength to you.
It's a Jungian idea that the more you push some feeling/thought/habit away the more powerful it gets. I suppose this explains the kindling effect and suggests when she falls off the wagon it will be bad.
On the other hand . . . my qualifier, meth addict, never did a program, and as far as I know has been sober for 20 years. He did go to jail for 3 years. I asked him how he remained sober and he said three things: he had a work skill he could go back to as soon as he got out of jail; he had a faith and lastly he had kids who he was super bonded with that he didn't want to lose.
I don't know if this is the advice you had in mind. I suppose you could delay the divorce until after the court order is over and see what happens. It does seem unlikely that she will remain sober.
Courage and strength to you.
That is my biggest concern....im feeling the "I got this under control" attitude. I'm hoping the bond of our child is bigger than everything. I know I can't control her or her decisions. These are her battles in which I can only be a spectator. I just hate to see her hurting herself or possibly putting our daughter in danger again. I truly believe the addiction and affair topic has been put in a box.....it's not even talked about (this bothers me a lot by the way). I'm trying my best to be supportive from a distance during and after the divorce.
I still take calls and texts trying to take the high road in all of this.
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sam.....It sounds, to me, like she is just whiteknuckling and putting her best foot forward......in an effort to convince you, herself and the world that she is not an alcoholic.....(denial)......
What advice, exactly, did you want?......Are you doubting going through with the divorce because her "good behavior" is causing you to "second think"?.......
What advice, exactly, did you want?......Are you doubting going through with the divorce because her "good behavior" is causing you to "second think"?.......
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I hear you. I wondered sometimes whether or not my husband had an undiagnosed personality disorder too. Early recovery is difficult and lots of stuff surface (lots of stuff). Couple that with the rationalizations, deflections, projections and so forth...and it's mind-boggling b/c you think everything will be ok since the drinking stopped, but that's not necessarily the way it goes.
No treatment or counseling? I hope she makes the decision to address the deep rooted issues that led her to make the choices she made (alcoholism, affair). She went sideways to cope with pain (the affair especially) instead of address it in a more healthy and appropriate way. To tuck it away leaves her in somewhat the same position. That is, no more alcohol, but the deep rooted issues still exist...and that will leave her vulnerable to eventually (probably) go back to ways to numb her pain once more. Those deep rooted issues will take time to unearth...lots of time and in the meantime it's an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone involved.
Think of boundaries, detachment, not taking things personally and taking care of yourself. Hopefully, the combination will shield you from any emotional turmoil that comes your way. I say that, but I struggle myself. I still get sucked into my husband's vortex from time to time and it's not good when I do.
I tend to think there's lots of shame and it's difficult for her to face it at the moment. I'm sure it must be painful for her to look at the choices she made and then have to address it. She wants you to remember her the way she was...to look at the years b/f the alcoholism and affair. Tucking it away is way less painful for her, but it solves nothing.
I remember when my husband (we're separated) started his journey to sobriety almost two years ago. I didn't know he struggled with alcoholism. Imagine that? He mostly drank on business trips and late at night. Anytime I ever saw him drink was in moderation, but then again I didn't know much about alcoholism at the time. I attributed his lack of presence and emotional unavailability to his intense travel and work hours. The last two years have been quite an education for me. I was blindsided by more than alcoholism. It's taken me awhile, but I'm getting there.
Stay grounded and centered. The mood shifts have nothing to do with you. Try not to take anything personally (I know that is difficult). It's about her and her struggles. I hope she finds the strength to seek treatment. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
No treatment or counseling? I hope she makes the decision to address the deep rooted issues that led her to make the choices she made (alcoholism, affair). She went sideways to cope with pain (the affair especially) instead of address it in a more healthy and appropriate way. To tuck it away leaves her in somewhat the same position. That is, no more alcohol, but the deep rooted issues still exist...and that will leave her vulnerable to eventually (probably) go back to ways to numb her pain once more. Those deep rooted issues will take time to unearth...lots of time and in the meantime it's an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone involved.
Think of boundaries, detachment, not taking things personally and taking care of yourself. Hopefully, the combination will shield you from any emotional turmoil that comes your way. I say that, but I struggle myself. I still get sucked into my husband's vortex from time to time and it's not good when I do.
I tend to think there's lots of shame and it's difficult for her to face it at the moment. I'm sure it must be painful for her to look at the choices she made and then have to address it. She wants you to remember her the way she was...to look at the years b/f the alcoholism and affair. Tucking it away is way less painful for her, but it solves nothing.
I remember when my husband (we're separated) started his journey to sobriety almost two years ago. I didn't know he struggled with alcoholism. Imagine that? He mostly drank on business trips and late at night. Anytime I ever saw him drink was in moderation, but then again I didn't know much about alcoholism at the time. I attributed his lack of presence and emotional unavailability to his intense travel and work hours. The last two years have been quite an education for me. I was blindsided by more than alcoholism. It's taken me awhile, but I'm getting there.
Stay grounded and centered. The mood shifts have nothing to do with you. Try not to take anything personally (I know that is difficult). It's about her and her struggles. I hope she finds the strength to seek treatment. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
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Sam...it has been my observation that people throw around the term "bipolar" very casually, these days. It has become a household word for anyone who is moody....or behaves outrageously, on occasion......
When the condition was called "manic depression"....this did not seem to happen....
It is very hard to diagnose in the presence of drug or alcohol abuse, anyway.
I would be leery of applying a diagnosis (in your own mind)...without a clinical diagnosis by a psychiatrist or psychologist who has access to a very good history and direct observation with your wife.....after a good long period of sobriety....
When the condition was called "manic depression"....this did not seem to happen....
It is very hard to diagnose in the presence of drug or alcohol abuse, anyway.
I would be leery of applying a diagnosis (in your own mind)...without a clinical diagnosis by a psychiatrist or psychologist who has access to a very good history and direct observation with your wife.....after a good long period of sobriety....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
sam.....It sounds, to me, like she is just whiteknuckling and putting her best foot forward......in an effort to convince you, herself and the world that she is not an alcoholic.....(denial)......
What advice, exactly, did you want?......Are you doubting going through with the divorce because her "good behavior" is causing you to "second think"?.......
What advice, exactly, did you want?......Are you doubting going through with the divorce because her "good behavior" is causing you to "second think"?.......
I almost believe in life you have to let things go.....if they come back than it was meant to be. The crap she pulled is inexcusable in a marriage. Addiction or no addiction.
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My STBEXAW is bipolar and supposed to be taking the meds to manage it. In her case she stops taking the meds and turns to alcohol to self treat. Its a total disaster every time but she continually goes back to alcohol. When she is manic and not drinking she can be a very nice person. However when she starts self medicating with alcohol she is a totally different person.
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Originally Posted by sam1
To all,
I have been posting in the alcoholism forum for awhile trying to get an understanding of how bad this beast and disease really is. It really has taken my wife from me with the depression and alcohol. I have moved forward with letting go of my marriage due to my wife's alcoholism and affair (possibly affairs). We have a 2 year old little girl and I will do everything possible to protect her. We initially setup equal time sharing based on her parents picking up/driving our child. I thought I was being fair and helpful but realized quickly that she doesn't think she has a problem and she will do what she wants. She says she's stopped drinking/ she's sober and is doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately after 100's of lies I don't believe a single word she says. I honestly believe she has pulled the wool over her families eyes and they have now become enablers. She was hiding her drinking for months before I caught on. When she left she was stage 4 alcoholic with severe withdrawals if she stopped. I filed emergency proceedings to remove her right for visitation until the court can determine if she's a risk or not. I have so much guilt doing this but I can't risk her driving around with our child. Every step of the way I feel like I have had no choices....she has turned on me.....her family has turned on me..... I don't even know the person I'm married to right now......she has gone to zero treatments.... and still says she's got control. How the hell am I the bad guy for trying to protect our child !!!! Why do I feel guilt protecting our child and watching alcohol destroy our marriage !!! It's such a horrible thing.....I still love my wife of old but she has thrown everything away. I really do hope one day she sees that I have done everything to protect our kid.
I have been posting in the alcoholism forum for awhile trying to get an understanding of how bad this beast and disease really is. It really has taken my wife from me with the depression and alcohol. I have moved forward with letting go of my marriage due to my wife's alcoholism and affair (possibly affairs). We have a 2 year old little girl and I will do everything possible to protect her. We initially setup equal time sharing based on her parents picking up/driving our child. I thought I was being fair and helpful but realized quickly that she doesn't think she has a problem and she will do what she wants. She says she's stopped drinking/ she's sober and is doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately after 100's of lies I don't believe a single word she says. I honestly believe she has pulled the wool over her families eyes and they have now become enablers. She was hiding her drinking for months before I caught on. When she left she was stage 4 alcoholic with severe withdrawals if she stopped. I filed emergency proceedings to remove her right for visitation until the court can determine if she's a risk or not. I have so much guilt doing this but I can't risk her driving around with our child. Every step of the way I feel like I have had no choices....she has turned on me.....her family has turned on me..... I don't even know the person I'm married to right now......she has gone to zero treatments.... and still says she's got control. How the hell am I the bad guy for trying to protect our child !!!! Why do I feel guilt protecting our child and watching alcohol destroy our marriage !!! It's such a horrible thing.....I still love my wife of old but she has thrown everything away. I really do hope one day she sees that I have done everything to protect our kid.
Has anything changed since your post? Are things any better?
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So another quick update. The kind sweet wife I knew and loved was great during the court ordered forced sobriety. No blaming....truth....remorse.... and accepting the guilt of what she has done. Maintained it well for about 5 days after. I was seeing genuine actions (not words). It almost looked like she was putting her best foot forward. Then all of a sudden I felt an attitude shift. I started hearing the same stories from over a month ago.....you did this....you did that. So the blame shifting and denial started all over again.
I recognized some of the things she said were similar to others experience on this board. "This was easy", " I have control over this", " I don't even have any urges". I know deep down sobriety is humble.... sobriety has counselling .....sobriety knows that its a long battle.
I want to thank everyone for giving me the heads up to be careful. The fight for sobriety has to be an extended period of time. It's sad to watch the mood shifts. I'm almost certain she is indulging or has at least broken her sobriety. This is fine....It's here choice and battle to fix. Does anyone have any encouraging thoughts?
I recognized some of the things she said were similar to others experience on this board. "This was easy", " I have control over this", " I don't even have any urges". I know deep down sobriety is humble.... sobriety has counselling .....sobriety knows that its a long battle.
I want to thank everyone for giving me the heads up to be careful. The fight for sobriety has to be an extended period of time. It's sad to watch the mood shifts. I'm almost certain she is indulging or has at least broken her sobriety. This is fine....It's here choice and battle to fix. Does anyone have any encouraging thoughts?
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She's far from the first alcoholic to get tripped up by the fact that it's not a piece of cake. All I can say is that some of those same people do eventually "get it"--it might take years, and a lot more losses, but that's something over which you have zero control. Be happy you're out of it, and keep her in your prayers (but not your every waking thought).
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Amidst all the blame-shifting, you need to be reminded that *you*didn't*cause*it*. Period. You didn't cause it. She will try to make out like it was your fault or partially your fault. Don't buy into that. The last thing you need right now is to have a bunch of guilt heaped upon you.
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Hey Sam, so sorry to hear about her. I like to read in the alcoholics Newcomers forum. There is so much humility and courage there although many a relapse and struggle too.
Prayers for you and your family!
Prayers for you and your family!
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So another update lol
I'm getting the woah is me from my AW. My life sucks....I have no money...I have no friends anymore. As soon as I bring up anything that has to do with the way I'm feeling ....due to her actions ...she shuts down and doesn't comment. I'm starting to believe these are signs of all the selfish actions of the addiction phase again. I truly believe she's back to coping with alcohol. I just shake my head so much.... It's almost like its back to being all about her again.
I'm getting the woah is me from my AW. My life sucks....I have no money...I have no friends anymore. As soon as I bring up anything that has to do with the way I'm feeling ....due to her actions ...she shuts down and doesn't comment. I'm starting to believe these are signs of all the selfish actions of the addiction phase again. I truly believe she's back to coping with alcohol. I just shake my head so much.... It's almost like its back to being all about her again.
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It's so hard though with a child and 10 years together. I grew up with a normal leave it to beaver family....wanting a stable, strong family. She was my best friend for many of those years. My brain is telling me to go let her fight this battle and be supportive from a distance. My heart is saying maybe she could change. Ahhhhh LOL. My future tells me run like hell for bank accounts, liability and retirement.
I'd take your child and run and not look back. I took my exah back 4 times. 4 times he was drinking again within a few days. The "old him" I fell in love with once again hidden and the alcoholic monster he had become back to the fore. 20 years of this and my poor kids deserved better. I deserved better. We split 3 years ago for good but had been separated in the house since 2009 due to the fact he refused to move out and clearly could not be left with our kids. He is still a monster, still lying, still upsetting my kids but now he does it from his own place. He went quiet 10 days ago. Ds remarked last night it's probably cos he is dead. No child should have to think like that. Seriously get out while you can. while your daughter is still young enough to have a good childhood.
I'd take your child and run and not look back. I took my exah back 4 times. 4 times he was drinking again within a few days. The "old him" I fell in love with once again hidden and the alcoholic monster he had become back to the fore. 20 years of this and my poor kids deserved better. I deserved better. We split 3 years ago for good but had been separated in the house since 2009 due to the fact he refused to move out and clearly could not be left with our kids. He is still a monster, still lying, still upsetting my kids but now he does it from his own place. He went quiet 10 days ago. Ds remarked last night it's probably cos he is dead. No child should have to think like that. Seriously get out while you can. while your daughter is still young enough to have a good childhood.
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Originally Posted by sam1
So another update lol
I'm getting the woah is me from my AW. My life sucks....I have no money...I have no friends anymore. As soon as I bring up anything that has to do with the way I'm feeling ....due to her actions ...she shuts down and doesn't comment. I'm starting to believe these are signs of all the selfish actions of the addiction phase again. I truly believe she's back to coping with alcohol. I just shake my head so much.... It's almost like its back to being all about her again.
I'm getting the woah is me from my AW. My life sucks....I have no money...I have no friends anymore. As soon as I bring up anything that has to do with the way I'm feeling ....due to her actions ...she shuts down and doesn't comment. I'm starting to believe these are signs of all the selfish actions of the addiction phase again. I truly believe she's back to coping with alcohol. I just shake my head so much.... It's almost like its back to being all about her again.
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So sorry sam. I know this is hard. It's not surprising, however that she would revert back to it being "all about her". Many addicts are narcissists. And while narcissists can be attractive and charming, they eat away at your heart.
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Originally Posted by ebroadcast
I'm basically in the same stage with my AW (whoa is me). Through all the ups & downs (mostly downs) I know that it has to come down to what's best for me and my son, and understand how I am literally her biggest enabler. I wish you all the best
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