Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help
 

To all,
I have been posting in the alcoholism forum for awhile trying to get an understanding of how bad this beast and disease really is. It really has taken my wife from me with the depression and alcohol. I have moved forward with letting go of my marriage due to my wife's alcoholism and affair (possibly affairs). We have a 2 year old little girl and I will do everything possible to protect her. We initially setup equal time sharing based on her parents picking up/driving our child. I thought I was being fair and helpful but realized quickly that she doesn't think she has a problem and she will do what she wants. She says she's stopped drinking/ she's sober and is doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately after 100's of lies I don't believe a single word she says. I honestly believe she has pulled the wool over her families eyes and they have now become enablers. She was hiding her drinking for months before I caught on. When she left she was stage 4 alcoholic with severe withdrawals if she stopped. I filed emergency proceedings to remove her right for visitation until the court can determine if she's a risk or not. I have so much guilt doing this but I can't risk her driving around with our child. Every step of the way I feel like I have had no choices....she has turned on me.....her family has turned on me..... I don't even know the person I'm married to right now......she has gone to zero treatments.... and still says she's got control. How the hell am I the bad guy for trying to protect our child !!!! Why do I feel guilt protecting our child and watching alcohol destroy our marriage !!! It's such a horrible thing.....I still love my wife of old but she has thrown everything away. I really do hope one day she sees that I have done everything to protect our kid.

You are doing everything right. It is time to take care of yourself and work on letting go of that guilt.

Good luck!

(I have done the same thing with XAH - and I don't care about the amount of hate and whining that comes from him/his family).

Sam1, it's good to have you here. You have done exactly what you needed to do to protect your daughter. As the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Mother and severely codependent father, I can tell you have done what I wished anyone would have done for me when I was growing up -- put the well-being of me and my siblings first.

Addiction is powerful, cunning, and baffling, and while your questions are completely understandable, you may not ever get satisfying answers. But if you keep your well-being and the safety of your daughter in your sights you will continue to make healthy decisions despite whatever drama and chaos your wife and her family stir up. I hope you stick around here for support as you navigated the road ahead.

sam1....you did the right thing! You are not a "bad guy" for doing so. You can't depend on the judgement of the drinking alcoholic and her enablers to make a judgement about this. They still "have a dog in the fight".
You must accept that they will try to put you in a bad light, in this matter. This happens very, very, very commonly.

You know the truth.

Hugs, Sam. You know you are doing the right thing. Prayers for a healthy and happy ending.

I will and thank you for your kind words. I still love my wife for who she was and her kind soul. The amazing memories and the days we cried together in happiness over the birth of our child. Whatever demons are inside of her she has to fight them. I will not take guilt and blame for anything that I have not done. I will take control of our child to make sure her best interest is taken care of.....I just can't believe how someone throws everything away in their life that is good. As most I see a lot of hope that people get sober and realize what they have done.....I also realize that this doesn't happen on our schedule or time. I feel sick about what she could be doing on her spare time ....drinking....sleeping around....etc. Ultimately it's her body and guilt that she will have to face.

The right things seems to be the wrong thing to so many people. She is lying to everyone and anyone that will listen. Trying to blame everything on me.

sam......when I divorced my husband (with 3 small children)....he told unbelievable lies, about me, to anyone who would listen.
It was hard..it really was....
But, I just put my head down and kept doing what I knew was the best right thing.
Honestly, the first year is the hardest....
Over time, though, the truth has a way of showing itself...

Sam just hang on to that little one and keep them safe..

Problem is I have no clue where her rock bottom is. Will it be losing her marriage...possibly losing her daughter. Or will any of this wake her up. Either way I've made my decision to not be married to an addict. It is such a risk ...short and long term. 8 years ago she had an issue when we were dating....I thought she got over it.

It's a good decision, sam1. Take care of yourself and your child. Sorry her family is getting into it. It's really between you and your wife. Peace.

Why does it hurt so much to feel like I'm giving up on the love of my life though :(
I know what I can and can't accept in marriage.....but for some reason I still love her.

A couple of things. Your staying with her wouldn't get her sober--so it's not as if you're pulling the plug on a life support system. You might be pulling the plug on something that allows her to stay in denial about how her drinking is ruining her life.

What helped me, when I left my alcoholic husband (whom I still loved very much but could no longer watch destroy himself), I imagined myself gently placing him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. Almost 20 years later, he's still drinking (I don't keep in touch with him but I'm pretty sure I would have heard if he'd gotten sober), but I have been spared a front-row seat to the chaos of his life.

You're doing the right thing--for everyone concerned (including her).

Thank you LexieCat

Ultimately I know this is her battle. It is such a horrible thing to watch someone destroy themselves mentally and physically. I didn't see her eat a meal for 3 weeks.

Sam1, my mother has given us up (her children and her beloved grandchildren) to the bottle. I, like you, cannot fathom how a woman can give up her family so easily, but that is just how insidious alcoholism really is for all who are involved. I am sorry for your pain. You are doing the right thing. Don't get attached to any outcomes though. I used to make boundaries that I thought would manipulate my mother into getting help. Now my boundaries are just about me keeping my family life peaceful and healthy. I have accepted that my mom's path is her path and I do not have any control over her self destruction.

sam...Yes, it does hurt beyond what our mere words can describe....

Can I ask you guys something in regards to alcoholics anger. Can the alcoholism (stage 4) make the alcoholic so mad at you about everything that they actually act like they despise you? Cheat on you...etc. I know I was getting all the blame and redirect at me. I have chosen to not accept any of it from her. Seems like she just gets angrier because I wont accept any of the blame. I'm not the one that put the bottle to her lips or made her decisions for her. However I was the one that pulled the curtain down and exposed everything to her family. I'm also the one that will not have the wool pulled over my eyes thinking everything is grand and gone away.

Addiction is a beast that will do whatever it can to protect itself. It's sharpest tool is denial. An alcoholic in denial will blame whoever or whatever for their problems, and push off responsibility for their actions and choices as long as they can. Will this manifest as anger sometimes? Sure.

That being said, no one here can tell you whether or not you are blameless in the relationship. But we can guarantee you did not cause, cannot control, and certainly cannot control her alcoholism.

Personally, as an alcoholic with eight years of sobriety and someone who has been around alcoholism/recovery since my first husband got sober in 1980, I have no clue what "stage 4" means. I've heard the term "end-stage" for people close to death, but no other "stages"--and I suspect that's because the disease progresses differently in everyone.

Anger and blame-shifting are common among alcoholics in general. As you said, you blew her cover and have disrupted her comfortable existence. Too bad for her. As you said, what's happened is her doing.

I'm certain that I have not been perfect. I know no one is perfect in any relationship. However I have never crossed any of the lines that would desire this kind of treatment. I steadily watched this get worse month by month. I look back and everything started about a year ago. I have also noticed alcoholics will listen to anyone that will reassure them. She has a horrible drinking friend that has it out for me from Day 1. This friend is also divorced....drinks daily. She had an affair on her husband also.