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Old 05-18-2015, 02:42 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Yes to all your questions on the bottom and probably you'll have to ask yourself why YOU think it's okay.

Who cares what he thinks.






Originally Posted by RedDog735 View Post
Was at the beach this weekend,where exAbf lives, and ventured off to his house on Saturday. Ended up having sex, multiple times. He was drunk. Left my keys at his house after he dropped me off at my place. Was ignoring me all night and the next morning. So I decided to show up at his house Sunday morning bc I needed my keys. The door was locked, music was blasting. His door is never locked... Anyway, he finally answered the door and I go up to his room to find a girl in his bed IN MY SHIRT. So sickening. Just casually having sex with two girls within 8 hours. He's worthless- an alcoholic and a liar. But HOW DOES HE DO THIS. Why do I care? Why are we broken up but still continue to see him? He has nothing to offer yet my mind keeps telling me that someday he will just stop drinking, stop lying, stop sleeping with 20 year olds, stop being so selfish. Rationally I know this unfortunately isn't true.

So the girl that was in my shirt in his bed reached out to me this morning. Told me she's very sorry if that hurt my feelings and that she knows he's an alcoholic and liar. I told her that he gave me HSV1, and suggested she go get tested. Is that bad? I feel that she had the right to know because he sure as heck didn't tell her.

My question is- how does one find peace in this situation? I know about addiction, I go to Alanon, but being in his town this weekend just triggered me. He pulled me in so easily.

Do I just remember that he has a sick, demented, addict brain that cannot be rational even if he tried? Do I remember that he has an underlying personality disorder that will possibly not go away even if he stops drinking? Do I remember all of the turmoil and pain he's put me through? What is going on with his brain?? How can he possibly think this is OK? HOW COULD HE.
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Old 05-19-2015, 12:48 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Time to figure out why you want to mold him to think like you. Dig deep. About yourself, NOT about him. Is it because you are angry at yourself for choosing the wrong guy? Is it because you are scared of being alone? Is it because you don't think you deserve better? I ask, because I have to ask myself the same questions, and on the surface, I wouldn't think any of those are factors in my feelings about myself. But, when I dig deep... DAMN. It is just as hard for us to own up to being sick as it is for them. For the same reason: because it is hard as hell to CHANGE ourselves and our habits.Sending you (((HUGS))) and PEACE and Strength!
I've been thinking about this one for a little while and I can't really find out WHY I want him to think like me other than the fact that what he's doing is WRONG. And so very hurtful to me. I don't want him hurting others like he did me. I don't want others to "go crazy" in the process like I did. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be alone (although I can't do that either) and so much to do with just how SICK he is and how he's basically a waste of life at this moment.

Regardless, I can see that I can name a million and a half things that he does that are wrong. And that gets in the way of focusing on me. BUT ITS JUST SO UNFAIR!
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Old 05-19-2015, 12:51 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Life is unfair. That's the way it is. You need to cut off contact 100% to protect yourself, and go get checked for STD's again as it's hard telling how many others there have been right before you this time.

You cannot protect everyone else, but you can protect yourself and not get reeled into this BS.

(Said w/love b/c I care about you, not to hurt you).
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Old 05-19-2015, 12:53 PM
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Welcome to life. It is unfair. That never changes. It's how we deal with it that makes the difference.

It's not our place to judge the actions of others but to accept them and act accordingly. If you don't work out why you cannot untangle yourself from this relationship you will keep finding yourself in the same one, over and over again.

It's not about HIM. It's about YOU. Can you let go of the need to be RIGHT about him in order to save your sanity?
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Old 05-19-2015, 01:15 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Nothing he does gets in the way of focussing on you. You are choosing to focus on him and not you.

And he isn't doing anything to you, you are doing it to you by keeping on going back to him.
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Old 05-19-2015, 01:16 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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As far as wanting to shield others from his reign of terror,

while that is admirable it's also impossible.

Frankly, what he and another consenting adult are up to is none of your beeswax anyway.

Just let it go
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Old 05-19-2015, 01:20 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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What he's doing that's "wrong" affects you only to the extent that you allow it to. It doesn't have to have any more to do with you than what some guy in Texas ate for breakfast this morning. You keep putting YOURSELF back into his orbit. It's like walking into the street and saying it's unfair if a car hits you.

Just stop it. It really is that simple: Stop It.
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Old 05-19-2015, 03:15 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Wrong? How so? Waste of life says who?

I don't think he is any stellar human by any means he likes to get drunk and get laid. He has STD's and says nothing - Okie Dokie him and millions of others.

It is wrong that he has Herpes and isn't telling anyone. But its also incredibly stupid to have unprotected sex with someone. Its not like these girls can't do something to protect themselves. If he tells them he has a clean bill of health, and they choose to believe it, caveat emptor.

What he is doing to you, you are allowing. You are choosing to continue to have contact, and sex with him. The one who is acting a little crazy here is YOU he is doing and being exactly what he has shown you about himself. He is a drunk and a man wh*re. Quack quack quack

No one annointed you Joan of Arc its not your job to save these chicks. They can buy condoms everywhere. If they decide, given his presentation, that he is worthy of pursuing then they got their own problems you also cannot solve.

Yeah life is unfair. Its also fair. Evens out in the end as far as I can tell. The best revenge is looking good and living well. Get on with it - you can hook a much better fish.
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Old 05-19-2015, 03:49 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Reddog...big hug to you! I know your pain and I know your being stuck in the ...How could he mode!!! Lots of words that have been posted here that may be hard to handle in this moment of pain, but they are the truths!!!!.

I too have thrown myself back into the fire, and like you and have been burned by the same disgusting behavior as your exabf!

Accept the truths.....he is capable of no better,,,par for course for an addict! Accept the fact that you are now in control of eliminating any more hurts by removing this man from your life...NO CONTACT!

Please, I pray this be your rock bottom...... One that propels you to stop thinking and obsessing about his behavior but rather on how to fix yourself to never allow such a monster back into your life!!!!
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Old 05-19-2015, 05:36 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Heck yeah it's unfair. And, his behavior SUCKS! sorry for the term, if I've offended anyone... ehem...

My suggestion to you.... If you would like to change his behavior, you must change yourself. Just imagine if all of us here could buck up and stick up for ourselves and just walk away. If all women (or abused and mistreated men) could just say "No!" Who would people like that have left to treat badly? No-one. All you can do is set an example.

Karma works like this:
We don't get to see karma get back at the awful people who do us wrong. Instead, karma allows us to learn both sides of the same coin. The faster you recognize the other side of something that you just experienced, the faster you grow. However, there are those that just do not learn the lessons, and so their lives are stuck in a constant cycle of repeating the same thing over and over again.

He is stuck. He is not growing. He is not learning. He is not living.

What more could you want to teach such an awful person that what he is doing is wrong? That alcohol just masks things... and in the meantime, all of it just keeps adding up. Maybe go read some the thread over in the "alcoholics" side and listen to some of them riddled with shame and guilt for all the nonsense they create in their lives and the things they have done. Not all... but so many.

We can't change anyone but ourselves hun. ((hugs))
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:55 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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He isn't doing anything to you. You are putting yourself in those situations. He is just being himself. Even sober he would be the exact same way. Some men are just rutting dogs.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you keep going back for this? You broke up. There is no commitment or obligation here.
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Old 05-20-2015, 04:34 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Red, I've had those same thoughts about my ex fiancÚ. In fact, she gave me HSV2, and I "chose" to get it from her because I thought we would be together forever. She only had a few slip-ups for about 1.5 years until she couldn't white-knuckle it anymore. The drinking escalated, she got heavy into drugs, and she got so drunk that she kissed another guy and made out with a lesbian...right in front of me.

I clearly told her that her behavior made me leave. I wrote her more than one letter, messaged her on Facebook, sent her a text message, and tried to tell her in person. I worded it every way I possibly could: she can't act like that and be in a relationship with me because that behavior hurts me. Fact is, it's impossible to understand someone that is insane because they do not think rationally. The behavior is narcissistic, and an addict will tell you whatever they have to in order to get you to do what they want. They will tell you they love you and then go out and get drunk. They will tell you they miss you, and they've been messaging other guys for some action. There's a saying that goes: when an addict's llips are moving, they are lying. It's impossible to understand how he thinks, and if you keep trying to do that, you will drive yourself crazy.

I wound up having to completely block my ex fiancÚ on all fronts because it was too much of a temptation to talk to her and try to "fix" things. Truth be told, even if we get back together, I know that she will relapse because she hasn't gotten into recovery or even gone to counseling. She managed to hold out 1.5 years last time, so how long would it be before she relapses again? It's not worth being with someone that loves their addiction more than you. They will always choose the addiction because that's their coping mechanism. They can't live without it. Every time that you re-engage, you allow yourself to be wounded again. When I talked to her, she said really hurtful things, and when I looked at her Facebook and that of her alcoholic brother's, I saw what she was doing. The wound opened up again every time I went back. I eventually decided just to cut her off completely and never look back. That's the only way to heal. The only way to move on is to stop picking the scab. I know it's hard, but I would rather be alone and healthy than in a relationship with someone that causes me so much pain.
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Old 05-20-2015, 06:09 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I don't want him hurting others like he did me. I don't want others to "go crazy" in the process like I did.
You are assuming that the other woman he is with are just like you. That they are going to fall deeply in love with an unavailable man and then be unable to detach from him like you. Who says they are anything like you. The last one he was with already knew he was an alcoholic and she slept with him anyway. Maybe it’s just sex, some woman can have just sex without developing a deep emotional connection.

It has nothing to do with not wanting to be alone (although I can't do that either) and so much to do with just how SICK he is and how he's basically a waste of life at this moment.
If you feel he’s such a waste of life why are you wasting yours on chasing after him, trying to keep other woman out of his life with your warnings and accepting whatever crumbs he may or may not throw your way?

You don’t seem to want to put as much effort into you as you are putting into him. You admit you don’t like to be alone yet being with him leaves you very lonely, hopeless, angry, hurt and in despair.

The longer you continue to hold on and be dragged the more battered and bruised you will become. You rally should address your own addiction, get hold of your own sickness, make changes in your own life instead of hoping and waiting for him to.
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Old 05-20-2015, 07:11 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I'm sorry you are hurting so much Red--the observations in many of these posts do seem to be pretty accurate to me and I've followed your postings from day 1, although I know it must be very painful to read.

Please try and see the truth behind the words and know people here care about you and that we just want you to be able to heal and put the focus back on yourself where it belongs
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Old 05-20-2015, 08:58 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RedDog735 View Post
I've been thinking about this one for a little while and I can't really find out WHY I want him to think like me other than the fact that what he's doing is WRONG. And so very hurtful to me. I don't want him hurting others like he did me. I don't want others to "go crazy" in the process like I did. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be alone (although I can't do that either) and so much to do with just how SICK he is and how he's basically a waste of life at this moment.

Regardless, I can see that I can name a million and a half things that he does that are wrong. And that gets in the way of focusing on me. BUT ITS JUST SO UNFAIR!
He is sick, and it is very unfair, and so, so hurtful.

And back to you - why do you want someone like that in your life when you deserve so much more?

Hurt and anger and the need to 'help' someone fix their wrongs blind us to our own wrongs. Just like alcohol can blind them to theirs.
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:29 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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He is very sick. I've blocked him from everything and I do not have any interest in talking to him, seeing him, etc. I am OK for the time being. One day at a time. Thank you for all of your input. I got some really great responses!

I truly do feel like an addict (being addicted to him.) I've had multiple postings stating how done I am and how "THIS TIME" I really know that I am done with him. Sure, I've relapsed a few times and have picked that scab off a few times, and found myself frustrated for being hurt over and over. But I am going to step forward towards healing again.

Tired of making excuses and exceptions for him. Nothing changes and nothing changes. I do not want someone who brings me eternal pain rather than happiness.
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:32 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RedDog735 View Post
Nothing changes and nothing changes.
This ^^ and "Let go or be dragged."

I think you've had your fill of being dragged, right?
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Old 05-20-2015, 08:35 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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If you're in the middle of the ocean, and you're trying to save someone with lead weights tied to their legs, you will drown with them. The only way is to let him go, and let him decide whether or not he wants to untie the weights to save himself from drowning.

I know it's hard. It's been a month since I broke everything off with my ex fiancÚ, and I relapsed a couple of times by messaging her, telling her I love her, explaining why I left again, and letting her know that she needs to choose help before we get back together. I know that I need to work on me because if I keep talking to her, she will find some way to pull me back into the crazy. If I don't get better, then I will go back to the crazy and possibly wind up dead next time.

Codependency is just as much of a progressive and fatal disease as alcoholism. It can cause health issues from the stress that one experiences when trying to take care of an adult child. Many people get sick from stress related illnesses. It can also kill by pulling you into their addiction. Many addicts started out as codependents, and they got wrapped up in alcohol or drugs. If you stay in a relationship, you will watch him destroy his life, and when he winds up dead, in jail, or who knows what, you will feel so much more hurt because you will still be attached.

I've accepted that my ex fiancÚ may wind up dead or in jail because of her behavior. She may never decide to change. She may never understand the gift I gave her by leaving and telling her why I left. The good thing about letting go is that I can't be held responsible for her self destruction. If she died while we were together, I probably would have had so much guilt and thought, "What if I had just kept her home that night? What if I had just yelled at her and told her not to go out drinking? What if I had somehow been able to prevent her from killing herself with drugs?"

It's a lot easier to pull someone down into a chair than it is to pull them out of it. He has to do it himself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it. The only way you can help is to help yourself.
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Old 05-21-2015, 03:16 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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RedDog I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds really tough. Maybe he's a sex addict as well as an alcoholic. It helps me to remember, and I say this as a recovering addict as well as a codependent, addiction of any kind is often about trying to ward off extremely difficult feelings as well as trying to fill a desperate emptiness. Addicts will often use anything we can, drink, drugs, sex etc to escape from ourselves. That's why his sleeping with another woman is nothing to do with you in my opinion, it says nothing about you as a woman, it's only about his disease. I t does affect you though and is obviously not the way you want to be treated. For me, I now see my addiction to the alcoholic as very similar to other addictions I have had, coming from the same place of avoidance of my own feelings and my own life, not wanting to take responsibility for my own healing and happiness and just the emptiness we all sometimes face. I have come to the conclusion that if I begin to show myself the same understanding, compassion and love that I tried to show the alcoholic I have a chance. Pia Mellody has a good book on love addiction and there is lots of interesting stuff on love addiction online if you feel that applies to you. Wishing you well. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to make us leave.
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Old 05-21-2015, 10:16 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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He pulled me in so easily.
No, he didn't pull you in, you sought him out. As a recovering alcoholic (and codependent), I know that I have choices when an urge comes: have a drink or go to a meeting, call my sponsor. Rationalization and denial are the hallmarks of addiction, including codependent behavior.
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