RedDog735

Was at the beach this weekend,where exAbf lives, and ventured off to his house on Saturday. Ended up having sex, multiple times. He was drunk. Left my keys at his house after he dropped me off at my place. Was ignoring me all night and the next morning. So I decided to show up at his house Sunday morning bc I needed my keys. The door was locked, music was blasting. His door is never locked... Anyway, he finally answered the door and I go up to his room to find a girl in his bed IN MY SHIRT. So sickening. Just casually having sex with two girls within 8 hours. He's worthless- an alcoholic and a liar. But HOW DOES HE DO THIS. Why do I care? Why are we broken up but still continue to see him? He has nothing to offer yet my mind keeps telling me that someday he will just stop drinking, stop lying, stop sleeping with 20 year olds, stop being so selfish. Rationally I know this unfortunately isn't true.

So the girl that was in my shirt in his bed reached out to me this morning. Told me she's very sorry if that hurt my feelings and that she knows he's an alcoholic and liar. I told her that he gave me HSV1, and suggested she go get tested. Is that bad? I feel that she had the right to know because he sure as heck didn't tell her.

My question is- how does one find peace in this situation? I know about addiction, I go to Alanon, but being in his town this weekend just triggered me. He pulled me in so easily.

Do I just remember that he has a sick, demented, addict brain that cannot be rational even if he tried? Do I remember that he has an underlying personality disorder that will possibly not go away even if he stops drinking? Do I remember all of the turmoil and pain he's put me through? What is going on with his brain?? How can he possibly think this is OK? HOW COULD HE.

SparkleKitty

You can just as easily ask, How could *I*? You are as addicted to him as he is to his lifestyle. If you cannot be in the town where he is without feeding your addiction, you have to step back and decide if you really need to go to the town where he is. You can remember or not remember all of those things about him. But it might do you better to remember that YOU have not been able to be around him at all without very bad consequences. He is doing what he does. You can't expect him to fix your problem for you; change is going to have to come from you.

I don't want to sound harsh, but your actions show you are not done with this yet. It's okay. You have to be where you are, but if you want a way out of this, it is there, and it will only come from you, not him.

Duckygirl1

((((Hug ))))

This is not about him, it's about YOU and you are the only one that has power over this situation. If you want to stop being shot with these arrows, take the target off of you back. Sounds like the girl has more common decency and respect for you than he did. Move if you have to, go to other beaches, reach out to this forum each time you get tempted, do whatever it takes, but stay away from this man.

megsykreeg

You can only change you. You can't change him. I would suggest staying far away from him. I know it's hard but SparkleKitty is right, you are addicted to him just like he is addicted to alcohol. If you can't handle being around him then you need to be as far from him as possible. I tell my recovering alcoholic all the time, to go completely the opposite direction to avoid the low points that lead him to drink. RUN THE OTHER WAY! Don't beat yourself up though. Pick yourself up and move on.

knowthetriggers

RedDog - I can relate to your feelings. I put myself in a very similar situation with my ex, only to be caught by his pregnant fiance. I walked out of the apartment with a smirk on my face but inside I felt awful, humiliated, ashamed, you name it! Did my sleeping with him change anything? Nope - they still got married, she still had the baby.

This was the beginning of my end. I was totally embarrassed and could not believe I had but myself in that situation. What was I thinking?

Well, I wasn't thinking. I was just reacting. So I get it, I understand where you are how you are feeling.

Tight hugs hon - you can change this, starting today, right now!

marie1960

I began with placing value on my life.

The worst thing about lies, the liar is implying , that you/we are not worthy of the truth.

So when we lie to ourselves , what is that saying?

Nobody can tell you what to do in this situation, all I can suggest is to take a very honest look at what is your motivation here, what are you trying to accomplish? What is the end result you are seeking?

For me personally, I needed a different outcome, I could not accept the A's unacceptable actions. The only way I could do that was by me mindfully choosing different for myself.

You certainly deserve better, right?

RedDog735

I deserve better and I know that. I keep going back through the similar patterns. Alanon gets me in the right mind set, then I stop going because I feel better, and I relapse.

It's hard when he was your only friend for so long, and then he's gone....

SparkleKitty

It is in fact incredibly hard to let go of someone who is no longer the person you believed they were or wanted them to be. I know it sounds corny, RedDog, but you can absolutely be a better friend to yourself than he ever was. And when you are, the entire world will open up to you in ways you cannot even imagine now.

marie1960

Friend? or lover?

Another old saying, "Friends can turn into lovers, but lovers rarely return to friends."

Must have something to do with the way some people handle intimacy.

Today, might be as good as any day, to start making new friends for yourself. Time to surround yourself with people who are real, people who place value on each other's lives. People who are willing and able to invest in themselves and you.

He can only treat you in the manner you allow him to.

Big hugs !

RedDog735

I guess another thing that is hard to accept is just that any rational person wouldn't do this. Like how does he sleep at night? How does he live like this? Knowing that he does the most screwed up things. I would hate myself if I did what he did to me.

SparkleKitty

Then you must accept that he is not rational, because he is in fact doing this.

He doesn't share your values. That's how he sleeps. And he may well hate himself (people who treat other people badly usually do) but he doesn't have to feel the pain of that if he indulges in sex and mind-altering substances. He feels no consequences from his actions, externally or internally. After all, this is not the first time he has behaved this way with you, and yet it has never been anything but reasonable to expect that you will be back for more.

Lee578

I'm guessing the alcohol is quite 'helpful' in drowning out all the thinking and emotions he might have to confront...
?

marie1960

Pretty certain those in active addiction, do not feel remorse.

The drug keeps them numb, they have no worries. They are not living in reality. Are they using drugs to hide the pain, or escape from reality ? I don't know, but the booze is their crutch, that is for sure. it allows them to live miserably, comfortably.

Another example of why addicts are unavailable partners.

atalose

Like it’s been said, this is not about him and the longer you focus on placing the blame on him the longer it will take you to focus on just you and all your why’s.

Any rational woman would not allow herself to continue with a toxic relationship with an alcoholic.

How do you sleep at night knowing you are getting so little after giving so much to someone?

You are doing this to yourself.

You can't seem to give up being hurt and humiliated by this man you are addicted to. You have not reached your rock bottom yet. What does rock bottom look like to you?

searching peace

Unfortunately he did not do this to you, you did this to you. I do not mean to be harsh but, you know what he is about and what he does and you went back for more. And he does NOT sound like any friend I would ever want. He gave you a STD. And friends don't treat friends the way he treats you. I would do whatever you have to do to move on and forget this person. He is not good for you on any level. And you continue to go back for more disrespect and hurt!
Please respect yourself and be a friend to yourself enough not to go back for more hurt and disappointment.

Sungrl

Red, please stop trying to figure him out, alcoholic or not this man does not love you, I doubt he ever did.

You need to do some serious soul searching, he has shown you who he is over and over and over.

You got an std form this man. You continue to sleep with him multiple times (your words) and seem surprised to find him with yet another women.

Please stop sleeping with him. Please figure out why you even want to.

LemonGirl

Yes RedDog.... You remember all of the horrible things he has done and keep it at the forefront of your mind until you can finally accept that those horrible things are who he is.

I fully understand how difficult it is to reconcile in your mind and your heart the total mismatch of traits you know about a person.... about a man.... we get some weird insight into all the secret beauty that hides inside, all the while, he spews his venom on everyone who who cares.
Poison tends to spread my dear.

It's really more of a psychological (spiritual) journey that person is on.... Always looking for a boundary, a limit.
And wouldn't you know it....? We are exactly the people that cannot give that.

Having been in your shoes.... just remember to be kind to yourself.

dandylion

Reddog...can you please hold back on the unsavory imagry.......

dandylion

redatlanta

I guess another thing that is hard to accept is just that any rational person wouldn't do this. Like how does he sleep at night?

Hmmm. I wonder how you sleep at night. He has shown you who he is over, and over and over again. He gave you herpes. A cheater and a liar. You are still schlepping him regularly. Who has the problem, you or him?

Wasn't it last weekend that you shacked up with him only to find out that he was sleeping with another woman the next day? Wasn't it last weekend that you blocked all access? Wasn't it last weekend you said you were done.....again?

I told her that he gave me HSV1, and suggested she go get tested. Is that bad? No. But don't count on it making a difference it didn't make a difference to you.

she knows he's an alcoholic and liar So do you. It hasn't mattered you are still sleeping with him. She will too.

Why are we broken up but still continue to see him? I know why he continues to see you . As for you - clearly your issues and addiction to him might need one on one therapy. Strongly recommend for you. You can't seem to get over the hump. Been there myself.

He pulled me in so easily No. This isn't his fault. Its yours unless you were kidnapped.

What is going on with his brain?? How can he possibly think this is OK? HOW COULD HE. I can answer this from experience. He is ok with casual sex. A lot of people are! He IS single. He can have sex with two women, or three in a day that's all up to him and voluntary participation. You keep trying to apply YOUR thinking to his. He is acting like a single guy. You are acting like a spurned girlfriend. He isn't your boyfriend (thank God). Now he gets the milk with out the cow from you. Listen hon - as long as you are willing to show up and throw down he is going to be game. Guy sounds outta control to me with the number of people he is sleeping with, but back in the day I had my fun too. I think its telling that he didn't answer the door with your keys in hand. Honestly, I am surprised he answered at all. But he did, and allowed to you access into the house to find what you found. Come on.........Dude is bad news.

firebolt

Aww - you are never going to rationalize his actions, because you aren't capable of them. You have one great line of thinking regarding how relationships, trust and respect of another person should be. His line of thinking is COMPLETELY different than yours. That is OK.

Time to figure out why you want to mold him to think like you. Dig deep. About yourself, NOT about him.

Is it because you are angry at yourself for choosing the wrong guy?
Is it because you are scared of being alone?
Is it because you don't think you deserve better?

I ask, because I have to ask myself the same questions, and on the surface, I wouldn't think any of those are factors in my feelings about myself. But, when I dig deep... DAMN.

It is just as hard for us to own up to being sick as it is for them. For the same reason: because it is hard as hell to CHANGE ourselves and our habits.

He is wrong for you. You deserve someone that you don't want to change. He has the right to be who he is. You are growing, he is not growing at the same rate right now. I know that all sounds a bit parental and elementary, but it is all true, and sometimes, especially when WE are sick, we just need to go back to basics and the fundamentals of love.

This is NOT what you pictured for your ideal partner, way back when we weren't messed up about love. Sending you (((HUGS))) and PEACE and Strength!