Blogs


Notices

DD comments tonight

Old 10-15-2014, 06:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
DD comments tonight

So, tonight was the weekday visit xAH has with the kids. He spends about an hour and a half with them in a public setting, breathalyzer before and after visits etc...

DD9 did not want to go. I told her she had to and said they'd be at a park and pointed out she loves parks usually and tried to make the best of it...

I went to get them not long ago (bc xAH is not allowed to drive them) and DD9 was angry and fussy and fighting with DD6 and rude to me and all the usual stuff that comes at the end of visits with their father.

When I was tucking her into bed just now she told me she doesn't appreciate that I "made" her give up her time with me and asked why she has to go with xAH.

I KNEW this day would come. She has expressed it in her behavior and acting out but has not until now SAID the words she does not want to go see him.

It really just breaks my heart. She is an amazing little girl and loving as anything... But she has had enough of her dad. She has been hurt and let down and disappointed and abused too many times for too long and she is done.

And she is 9.

Of all the things he has lost, this is the most devastating to see happening... His children, or at least the older of his two kids, is pretty well done with him and there is nothing I can do to fix that. And worst of all, I am not really sure that there is anything HE can do to fix it either.

It took years for him to destroy his r/s with DD9 and for her to reach this point and it will take at least as many years for him to repair it IF he were to start tomorrow doing so, which he wont.

He texted me after I picked the kids up telling me what a brat DD9 is and that she needs to lose things for how rude she is to him and that I have done damage to her by turning her into a mini me...

He doesnt see it at all.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
Eauchiche (10-15-2014), firebolt (10-16-2014), Florence (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), lillamy (10-16-2014), littlesister1 (10-16-2014), LSC1 (10-15-2014), maia1234 (10-15-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014), peaceandgrace (10-24-2014), readerbaby71 (10-16-2014), ResignedToWait (10-15-2014), SeriousKarma (10-15-2014), StarCat (11-24-2014), theuncertainty (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:11 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
telling me what a brat DD9 is and that she needs to lose things for how rude she is to him and that I have done damage to her by turning her into a mini me...

He doesnt see it at all.
Oh I've heard that one too. Never occurs to them, hey maybe it's ME!
Santa is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Santa For This Useful Post:
Eauchiche (10-15-2014), firebolt (10-16-2014), Florence (10-16-2014), hadenoughnow (10-15-2014), hopeful4 (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:13 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Santa View Post
Oh I've heard that one too. Never occurs to them, hey maybe it's ME!
Lol! Right?! Clearly it's all her or all me... Never anything to do with him...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-15-2014), hopeful4 (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:17 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,393
It's a shame DD9 feels that way, but it really isn't your problem to solve. My own daughter cut ties with her dad and I had to stay out of it. Their relationship is between the two of them. He can text all he wants, but you don't have to accept anything he says. He's an azzhole and you know it and your oldest daughter is figuring it out, too. Sad, but he brought it all upon himself.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:29 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
It's a shame DD9 feels that way, but it really isn't your problem to solve. My own daughter cut ties with her dad and I had to stay out of it. Their relationship is between the two of them. He can text all he wants, but you don't have to accept anything he says. He's an azzhole and you know it and your oldest daughter is figuring it out, too. Sad, but he brought it all upon himself.
Oh I have no intention of trying to solve it... I knew this day was coming and I think it is freeing for DD9 frankly to see things for what they are...

I feel sad for her but I also am glad that she is able to put words to what she is feeling and thinking vs acting out and just falling apart left and right as she has been for the last year...

He 100% caused this himself and IF he repairs the damage he has done, it will be many years from now.

I do not have the right to keep DD9 from seeing him but I do hope that a judge will care about what DD9's feelings about visits are and that sooner or later she will be allowed to choose whether or not she goes... This idea that parents "rights" to their kids supercede kids rights to what they want and feel safe about really pisses me off...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
coolchick (10-16-2014), firebolt (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), Santa (10-16-2014), theuncertainty (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
At what age in your state can she choose not to see him?
MissFixit is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MissFixit For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-15-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:43 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
At 14 a judge will 'consider' a childs opinion...

There is not set age that a kid can stop visiting... Fun times here in this ass backwards state... It's all loosey goosey and the premise is "children do best with sustained contact with both parents" and a lot of other BS that presumes bc your genes contributed to making a kid, you somehow get the right to be a parent...

50/50 is a given here unless a parent refuses it OR there is a PROVEN case of abuse/neglect per the state agency (and even kids removed from homes bc of abuse continue to have visits with their parents time and time again...)
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), lillamy (10-16-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:52 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Do you think your ex will insist on seeing her if she doesn't want to visit?
MissFixit is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to MissFixit For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-16-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 06:57 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Do you think your ex will insist on seeing her if she doesn't want to visit?
Yup. If he chooses to bail that is fine and good and he doesnt care about the kids feelings... But if and when the girls make a choice that is different than what he wants, I fully expect him to flip bc he has in the past...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), MissFixit (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 07:02 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Ya my 10 year old son refuses to see his dad. We are still married but seperated so I don't make him see his dad at this time. My husband is in recovery but only very recently. When he was in active addiction I heard all the time that it was my fault our son feels the way he does you know because the lying, drinking, and using had nothing to do with it. I've thrown it out there that whenever my husband feels ready we can all go to family counseling. It's hard when kids are involved.
heartbrokenK is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to heartbrokenK For This Useful Post:
coolchick (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), Santa (10-16-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 08:50 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
happy, joyous an free!
 
Lovenjoy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 694
as the adult child of an alcoholic i have to say you are a true blessing to your daughter. she can voice her feelings to you. that is huge. i am sorry she is experiencing these feelings and soooo glad she has you. you show her sanity, and right living, and let her know she has a right to feel anything she feels. be her rock hon, she needs it and it could very well save her from developing a warped view of the world.

thoughts and prayers with you and your daughters.
Lovenjoy is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Lovenjoy For This Useful Post:
coolchick (10-16-2014), heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), iamthird (10-15-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), LeeJane (10-15-2014), peaceandgrace (10-24-2014), theuncertainty (10-15-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 09:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Lovenjoy- if you look at my back posts you'll see I sucked a lot as a mom and subjected my kids to a lifetime worth of horrors bc of my xAH and so year 2 into therapy DD9 tonight finally voicing what she said is huge. Huge. Dd6 is just angry and aggressive a lot and when she isn't doing that she is crying and talking like a baby. So please don't be fooled into thinking I'm some fantastic mom by any stretch. But thank you for tie post nonetheless . I'm sorry you grew up in an A household. I have immense guilt for the length of time I spent w my xAH and all my kids were impacted by bc of it.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), Santa (10-16-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 09:07 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,393
No parent is perfect, but most of us do the best we can. Most of us have the welfare of our children at heart. Do we make mistakes? Hell yes! In the best of circumstances, being a good parent is very hard work. When we are trying to be a good parent while living with addiction, it's almost impossible. You did the best you knew how. Now that you know better, you are doing better.

It's obvious that your daughters feel safe with you. They wouldn't say the things they do if that were not the case. It is obvious that you are doing the best you can with a really, REALLY crappy situation. It just keeps going on and on and on and on. You can only do so much due to the area in which you are living. Still...little by little, your alcoholic is tightening the noose around his own neck. Things aren't going well for him so much anymore.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
Florence (10-16-2014), heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), Santa (10-16-2014), theuncertainty (10-15-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-15-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 09:19 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
No parent is perfect, but most of us do the best we can. Most of us have the welfare of our children at heart. Do we make mistakes? Hell yes! In the best of circumstances, being a good parent is very hard work. When we are trying to be a good parent while living with addiction, it's almost impossible. You did the best you knew how. Now that you know better, you are doing better.

It's obvious that your daughters feel safe with you. They wouldn't say the things they do if that were not the case. It is obvious that you are doing the best you can with a really, REALLY crappy situation. It just keeps going on and on and on and on. You can only do so much due to the area in which you are living. Still...little by little, your alcoholic is tightening the noose around his own neck. Things aren't going well for him so much anymore.
One thing this process has taught me is that "trusting the system" really means trusting it even 2 years in when the "system" seems to be messed up. In my town we went from 4 family court judges to 1 "marital master" (not even a real judge) so hearings have been postponed and motions ignored bc I guess this "master" just sees my case and all the others as paperwork to shuffle.

DCYF and the kids therapist have written their recommendations for the court, and xAH has lost his job due to his drinking and publicity about his abuse of the girls and I and so yes, he is a train wreck.

Early March is our next and I hope final court date. So until then I will just keep supporting my kids as best I can and being grateful for the support of family and friends who are great supports for my girls.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
ladyscribbler (10-16-2014)
Old 10-15-2014, 10:07 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
iamthird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
This thread has helped me so much. Right now I am protecting DD6 from separated AH. The pain I have felt during this separation and now divorce is immense but this thread makes me realize it is all worth it to keep her in a healthy environment.

I hate the most that separated AH is so selfish and only wants to be a dad when it is convenient for him. He misses her when he misses her. He cares about his selfish need to soothe and self-medicate than what she emotionally needs.

It is so hard to see our children endure this. But we did not choose this, cannot control or cure this. All we can do is be so reliable and present for them!
iamthird is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to iamthird For This Useful Post:
coolchick (10-16-2014), Florence (10-16-2014), heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), Huntingpeace (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), Santa (10-16-2014)
Old 10-16-2014, 09:15 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
My kids don't want to go to their dads either. They really don't have a choice and have accepted that. Now, if his behavior changes, different story, they won't have to go at all.

I think that all you can do is listen to them and validate their feelings.

XXX
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-16-2014)
Old 10-16-2014, 09:48 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
This is that thing in the judicial system that I want to lobby to change, once I'm not spending all my free time shuttling my children to and from therapy appointments to deal with the abuse they suffered during their court-ordered time with their father that was supposed to be "best for them"...

I understand that there are parents who undermine the Other Parent's relationship with the children. And there is a special place in hell for those people. But when a kid absolutely does not want to see the OP, legally forcing them "because it's better for them" is cruel and unusual punishment of an innocent person.

Does it ever occur to the legal community that when a kid doesn't want to spend time with a parent there is probably something wrong with that parent? It's unnatural for a kid to not love their parent at 9. Why can't the courts see that maybe, just maybe, the kid has a point? A reason?
lillamy is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
happybeingme (10-16-2014), heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), ladyscribbler (10-16-2014), Missus (10-16-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-16-2014)
Old 10-16-2014, 10:22 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
AMEN. I will join you in lobbying to change this... By the time my kids can "choose" to not see him, the damage will be done-- it already is... I feel like we have lived similar lives Lillamy... Only your kids are older and I see what the future looks like for mine when I read your posts... Because the judicial system believes the rights of parents matter infinitely more than the rights of kids to be safe... THIS is precisely why I stayed so long... In a bizarre way I felt I could protect them more being with them all the time-- even if it was in dysfunction with xAH... Poor kids...

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
This is that thing in the judicial system that I want to lobby to change, once I'm not spending all my free time shuttling my children to and from therapy appointments to deal with the abuse they suffered during their court-ordered time with their father that was supposed to be "best for them"...

I understand that there are parents who undermine the Other Parent's relationship with the children. And there is a special place in hell for those people. But when a kid absolutely does not want to see the OP, legally forcing them "because it's better for them" is cruel and unusual punishment of an innocent person.

Does it ever occur to the legal community that when a kid doesn't want to spend time with a parent there is probably something wrong with that parent? It's unnatural for a kid to not love their parent at 9. Why can't the courts see that maybe, just maybe, the kid has a point? A reason?
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-16-2014)
Old 10-16-2014, 10:32 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
You know, the one thing I will say though, with the kids being forced to spend time with their dad? I've never said a bad word about him to them. I've never had to. They were able to make up their own minds about what relationship they wanted with him.

I've heard other moms say -- whose exes didn't want anything to do with the kids -- that the hardest thing for them is to feel taken for granted, and to see how the kids idolize the absent dad. It's like they have such a need for him that they make up this imaginary wonderful dad that their mom is (somehow) preventing them from being with.

One of my friends had her daughter demand to move to her dad's house instead. Told Mom that she had talked to her dad and he was excited she wanted to live with him, but that he didn't want to talk to the Mom about it. Turns out the kid lied -- she showed up at her dad's doorstep with a bunch of dreams and a suitcase and he told her to go to hell.

There's never an easy way here. And I think with all the stuff you have in your back pocket, things may change once you actually get to go to court.
lillamy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-16-2014)
Old 10-16-2014, 10:43 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
OMG this sounds like my relationship with my father

He was an alcoholic, abusive and frightening

After I was 13 or 14 I had no contact with him for over 10 years, and it took 25 to even have a semi comfortable relationship with him
It's sad
littlesister1 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to littlesister1 For This Useful Post:
heartbrokenK (10-16-2014), kudzujean (10-16-2014), wanttobehealthy (10-16-2014)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:27 PM.