Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction
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"(I forgot about this) I was medically discharged for asthma from the military "
Interesting that you forgot about an occasion when she almost killed you. Surely she knew about your medical discharge.
Please forgive me for advice, as we are not supposed to do that, but if I were you, I would work very hard to find out why you are attracted to someone like this. I would also avoid any future relationships until you find out.
Thank You for your service, and God Bless You!
Interesting that you forgot about an occasion when she almost killed you. Surely she knew about your medical discharge.
Please forgive me for advice, as we are not supposed to do that, but if I were you, I would work very hard to find out why you are attracted to someone like this. I would also avoid any future relationships until you find out.
Thank You for your service, and God Bless You!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper 
Sad thing is i do still love her and now i feel more bad for her than mad at her... i am mad at her family more than anything else... I want to so badly to just drive to her mothers house and look her in the eye and say "I was with your daughter for 3 years and begged you to help her and i have been to ALANON meetings, counseling and done a tone of research to try to help her... She is 28 years old what have you done besides ignore her problem and pretend it doesn't exist!"
But i know someone in denial has convinced themselves that a tree is in the front yard when in reality there really is no tree... and you can not convince them otherwise.
She has completely cut me off and won't speak to me... i do long to hear from her but maybe it is for the best if i never hear from her again... i am just not sure what that is going to be like... i know i should never want to hear from her again... and i guess shame on me for not feeling that way.
But i know someone in denial has convinced themselves that a tree is in the front yard when in reality there really is no tree... and you can not convince them otherwise.
She has completely cut me off and won't speak to me... i do long to hear from her but maybe it is for the best if i never hear from her again... i am just not sure what that is going to be like... i know i should never want to hear from her again... and i guess shame on me for not feeling that way.
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Please forgive me for posting again. I have been going to AlAnon at least once a week for 6 months. I have been blessed with some great moments of clarity.
In spite of this, 2 meals with my Alcohlic mate over the weekend, who I had'n't seen for 5 months, already has me imagining how I can move back in with him and make it work. The truth is, I could probably kill him by doing so because I would again become a crutch that enables him to drink.
This has been very good for me. I know now that I am as sick as he is, and have a long way to go to good, stable sobriety.
In spite of this, 2 meals with my Alcohlic mate over the weekend, who I had'n't seen for 5 months, already has me imagining how I can move back in with him and make it work. The truth is, I could probably kill him by doing so because I would again become a crutch that enables him to drink.
This has been very good for me. I know now that I am as sick as he is, and have a long way to go to good, stable sobriety.
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Thank you for the responses it's 2:53 am and I can't sleep yet again. I find comfort coming here and talking with all of you.
I am getting counseling at the VA once a week. That is the same question I ask my counselor. I want to find out why I keep meeting women like this. I think I am s great guy. Never been in trouble, had 1 speeding ticket when I was 16 I'm 37 now.. Lol
I always joke that there could be 20 single women in a room and I would unknowingly pick the one with the most problems.
I am getting counseling at the VA once a week. That is the same question I ask my counselor. I want to find out why I keep meeting women like this. I think I am s great guy. Never been in trouble, had 1 speeding ticket when I was 16 I'm 37 now.. Lol
I always joke that there could be 20 single women in a room and I would unknowingly pick the one with the most problems.
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Oh and I do not drink much other than socially I drank way more than I ever have in my life around my ex which I became uncomfortable with but put up with even though now I know I was being controlled and I allowed it to happen. I guess a fear of being alone I am also a shy guy which I hate but it is who I am. I'm talking about that with my counselor too.
I joke with my buddies, I have jumped out of planes fired machine guns, fired shoulder launched missles (javelin) used explosives.... But when it comes to talking to women for some reason I just can't do it in a public setting cold turkey... I mean walking up to a pretty girl and striking up a conversation. Can't do it don't know why. I hate it because I don't think I'm bad looking. I'm a shorter guy 5' 7 and about 150 lbs not overweight skinny.
I have tried dating sites for years I guess to curb that anxiety of talking to a girl in public I don't know , now if I was introduced to someone then that seems to be different I'm fine. I just don't feel comfortable walking up to some chic at a bar and trying to make her like me in the first 5 seconds of my conversation. I think it is unfair that she is going to instantly judge me and my whole life based in just that
I joke with my buddies, I have jumped out of planes fired machine guns, fired shoulder launched missles (javelin) used explosives.... But when it comes to talking to women for some reason I just can't do it in a public setting cold turkey... I mean walking up to a pretty girl and striking up a conversation. Can't do it don't know why. I hate it because I don't think I'm bad looking. I'm a shorter guy 5' 7 and about 150 lbs not overweight skinny.
I have tried dating sites for years I guess to curb that anxiety of talking to a girl in public I don't know , now if I was introduced to someone then that seems to be different I'm fine. I just don't feel comfortable walking up to some chic at a bar and trying to make her like me in the first 5 seconds of my conversation. I think it is unfair that she is going to instantly judge me and my whole life based in just that
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And everyone is right I put up with my ex A for way to long. I ignored way to many red flags. Her stealing from my family (alcohol), kicking down a door (not a heavy duty door) leaving me at my place because she was pissed I didn't want to go drink so she left and went home , cussing at me calling me names, hitting me, choking me, calling police on me just to cause a scene (was not arrested didn't touch her). Cops warned me that they knew my ex and had been called to her apartment for the same thing in the past and suggested I get a new girlfriend - me being afraid of being alone I was an idiot and stayed hoping it would get better. Her constantly blaming me for her drinking , hiding bottles, denying she has a problem, her parents blaming me for their daughters problem (they couldn't make her stop drinking in 28 years why did they think I could make her stop in 3.5?)
I know I essentially did this to myself because I was unwilling to stand up for myself and simply say no you will not treat me like this any longer , you will not love alcohol more than me I deserve better. I realize all of this now but when I was in the midst of everything I look back and everything is foggy like smoke from a fire, I guess I was in love with the fantasy that it was going to get better if I just stuck around and tried harder.
I know I essentially did this to myself because I was unwilling to stand up for myself and simply say no you will not treat me like this any longer , you will not love alcohol more than me I deserve better. I realize all of this now but when I was in the midst of everything I look back and everything is foggy like smoke from a fire, I guess I was in love with the fantasy that it was going to get better if I just stuck around and tried harder.
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Now she has had a new guy day 1 out of rehab and staying over at his place for days at a time. This doesn't matter in the scheme of things it is just baffling because she fooled me and my family into believing she was this wholesome woman that was worth marrying (other than the drinking) we had no idea that along with the drinking she acted so slutty when single. It's now going on week 4 since she got out of rehab she is most likely still in out patient treatment or done with out patient but already jumped into a relationship in the first week of her getting out that is just as serious so it appears as the one she had with me after 3.5 years.
I guess this is important to me because I am seeing a side of her I did not know existed, it's shocking, it hurts, but I know I would never have dated her in the beginning of I had known she jumps right in bed with men no questions asked and jumps right into new very serious relationships within days of meeting someone .... It's just mind boggling because I'm seeing someone I never knew.
All the more reason to stay far away, work on me, work on getting this new job and let her ruin her life all by herself.
I guess this is important to me because I am seeing a side of her I did not know existed, it's shocking, it hurts, but I know I would never have dated her in the beginning of I had known she jumps right in bed with men no questions asked and jumps right into new very serious relationships within days of meeting someone .... It's just mind boggling because I'm seeing someone I never knew.
All the more reason to stay far away, work on me, work on getting this new job and let her ruin her life all by herself.
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It's your fault when you tie her down and force alcohol down her throat. Or if you put a gun to her head, then it's her fault too. Baring this, you are blameless .... and powerless over her actions, words and thoughts.
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It HAS to be your fault.........they are in denial about her.
Sounds like you did the right thing for YOU most importantly but also for her. It may facilitate her bottom.
Sounds like you did the right thing for YOU most importantly but also for her. It may facilitate her bottom.
Originally Posted by exparatrooper
I have posted in other forums since i have joined this wonderful website. Reading and posting here has helped relieve so much stress and anxiety I can not begin to express how helpful all of you here have been even if you have not replied to me directly.
I am going through a very rough time right now (clearly not nearly as rough as some of you) I walked out on my Fiance of 3 years on july 24th.. my Birthday... finding her passed out drunk on the couch and a half a bottle of liquor hidden in her purse was the last straw for me.
I am trying to understand (If that is even possible) Why she and her family are passing the blame of all of this onto me. So that is why I am creating this post in hopes to gain a better understanding of what has happened and in the process maybe relieve some of the guilt that I have for leaving her laying there passed out (I did not abandon her there, i called her parents immediately upon me leaving the apartment) but understand she started becoming violent and has attacked me in the past, called the cops on me to try and have me arrested when she got up super early on this passed new years day and drank an entire bottle of southern comfort.. I called her mother because i freaked out and didn't know what to do, i didn't know if i needed to call an ambulance or if she could die or what... my fiancé woke up to hearing me on the phone with her mother in the other room and just went ballistic, started punching me, tackled me choking me all the while i am still on the phone with her mother.. and this did not seem to bother her mother at all.. her mother did however stick up for me with the cops when the got there and came to my defense.. her mother has since turned on my as my ex fiancé has as well and i have been completely cut off since my ex went to the hospital and then to rehab. Her family will not speak to me and my ex has only said "you can come and get your things when i am ready, please leave me alone" that is all i have heard from her since july 24th.
so i guess what i am trying to comprehend is how can she be upset with me when she drove to the liquor store, she purchased the bottle and she hid it in her purse... she hid it from me throughout my birthday dinner and waited until i was not looking to open it and drink over half the bottle. The mind of an addict baffles my non addict mind... how is it possible that she can truly believe that i did something wrong..
The only thing i can think of is that she is mad that after i drew a line in the sand a couple weeks before, she got caught and I carried out my end of my ultimatum... No more would i allow her to abuse me, choke me, kick me... no the physical stuff only ever happened once in three years... I am a guy and it may seem backwards that a guy is talking about physical abuse from an alcoholic fiancé... but let me tell you i had to stand there and use every ounce of my being to lock my hands and my arms and let her punch me in the face and not slip and hit her back... letting her abuse me was the hardest thing i have ever had to do i was so angry that she was doing it and afterwards i was so hurt that someone who told me they loved me would try to hurt me. I did not want to hurt her so i had no choice but to let her hurt me... i did not want my life ruined by a stay in jail over losing my composure.
after that i actually slept in my pants for several weeks worried to death she would wait until i fell asleep to go to her new hidden stash wherever that may have been and drink more then start another fight and try to hurt me... maybe next time she would get a knife! Im sorry after that happened my trust for her was completely destroyed and i had no idea what she could be capable of. That really hurt our relationship, my not being able to trust her anymore... she noticed it and started fights over it... we lost intimacy and that was my fault.. i didn't tell her she was pretty enough and that was my fault.. i no longer wanted to talk about the wedding and that was my fault.. i didn't love her enough and that was my fault... the list goes on... but i know now that it was not my fault that anyone in my situation would feel the same way had they been abused and lied to by an addict like that... no one would want to discuss wedding plans after being abused, having bottles hid all over the apartment, have her mother tell me to start hiding my wallet in my glove box in my car, having her lie to my face, catching her drinking in the morning before work and denying that she had.. even though i had marked the bottle in the freezer with a marker and could clearly see the level was significantly lower than the mark i put on it the night before.
I am going through a very rough time right now (clearly not nearly as rough as some of you) I walked out on my Fiance of 3 years on july 24th.. my Birthday... finding her passed out drunk on the couch and a half a bottle of liquor hidden in her purse was the last straw for me.
I am trying to understand (If that is even possible) Why she and her family are passing the blame of all of this onto me. So that is why I am creating this post in hopes to gain a better understanding of what has happened and in the process maybe relieve some of the guilt that I have for leaving her laying there passed out (I did not abandon her there, i called her parents immediately upon me leaving the apartment) but understand she started becoming violent and has attacked me in the past, called the cops on me to try and have me arrested when she got up super early on this passed new years day and drank an entire bottle of southern comfort.. I called her mother because i freaked out and didn't know what to do, i didn't know if i needed to call an ambulance or if she could die or what... my fiancé woke up to hearing me on the phone with her mother in the other room and just went ballistic, started punching me, tackled me choking me all the while i am still on the phone with her mother.. and this did not seem to bother her mother at all.. her mother did however stick up for me with the cops when the got there and came to my defense.. her mother has since turned on my as my ex fiancé has as well and i have been completely cut off since my ex went to the hospital and then to rehab. Her family will not speak to me and my ex has only said "you can come and get your things when i am ready, please leave me alone" that is all i have heard from her since july 24th.
so i guess what i am trying to comprehend is how can she be upset with me when she drove to the liquor store, she purchased the bottle and she hid it in her purse... she hid it from me throughout my birthday dinner and waited until i was not looking to open it and drink over half the bottle. The mind of an addict baffles my non addict mind... how is it possible that she can truly believe that i did something wrong..
The only thing i can think of is that she is mad that after i drew a line in the sand a couple weeks before, she got caught and I carried out my end of my ultimatum... No more would i allow her to abuse me, choke me, kick me... no the physical stuff only ever happened once in three years... I am a guy and it may seem backwards that a guy is talking about physical abuse from an alcoholic fiancé... but let me tell you i had to stand there and use every ounce of my being to lock my hands and my arms and let her punch me in the face and not slip and hit her back... letting her abuse me was the hardest thing i have ever had to do i was so angry that she was doing it and afterwards i was so hurt that someone who told me they loved me would try to hurt me. I did not want to hurt her so i had no choice but to let her hurt me... i did not want my life ruined by a stay in jail over losing my composure.
after that i actually slept in my pants for several weeks worried to death she would wait until i fell asleep to go to her new hidden stash wherever that may have been and drink more then start another fight and try to hurt me... maybe next time she would get a knife! Im sorry after that happened my trust for her was completely destroyed and i had no idea what she could be capable of. That really hurt our relationship, my not being able to trust her anymore... she noticed it and started fights over it... we lost intimacy and that was my fault.. i didn't tell her she was pretty enough and that was my fault.. i no longer wanted to talk about the wedding and that was my fault.. i didn't love her enough and that was my fault... the list goes on... but i know now that it was not my fault that anyone in my situation would feel the same way had they been abused and lied to by an addict like that... no one would want to discuss wedding plans after being abused, having bottles hid all over the apartment, have her mother tell me to start hiding my wallet in my glove box in my car, having her lie to my face, catching her drinking in the morning before work and denying that she had.. even though i had marked the bottle in the freezer with a marker and could clearly see the level was significantly lower than the mark i put on it the night before.
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper
I am trying to understand (If that is even possible) Why she and her family are passing the blame of all of this onto me.
regarding the one who is alcoholic and how it effects their families.
MM
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I know I essentially did this to myself because I was unwilling to stand up for myself
Thank God I recovered and in the process learned how everyone around me had been swept up in the wake of my sick behavior with some sick behavior of their own.
We both have to be conscious now of his tendency to fix things. When I can very well fix my own messes myself. Its all a part of recovery.
If you find yourself feeling like you can fix things for a girl you have just met, help her in some way, rescue her, or perform little miracles that make her life better: back away!
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Well right now I think she has replaced "alcohol" with this new guy. She could be already back drinking, thinking she can maintain because she has convinced herself and everyone else that her "bad relationship" with me is what made her drink. This new guy won't care nor pay close attention, he is after one thing. This new sex built relationship won't last long and when it blows up in her face full blown relapse will happen I'm sure. But the good news, I'm no longer around to be blamed.
I have been doing allot of reading and her behavior is typical of an addict in stage 3 denial.
The few times we spoke over the past month it was always my fault and the one thing that she NEVER mentioned was what put her into the rehab in the first place, her drinking. It was all about what I did or did t do never about her.
I have been doing allot of reading and her behavior is typical of an addict in stage 3 denial.
The few times we spoke over the past month it was always my fault and the one thing that she NEVER mentioned was what put her into the rehab in the first place, her drinking. It was all about what I did or did t do never about her.
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Oh and she never told me there was a new guy. I found out myself. I paid the phone bill for years. She didn't change the password. Copy paste strange number she's callimg and texting all day long into facebook oops, coincidence this guy is her friend On facebook..., well well
So Ya that was my wake up call I guess. She's telling me one thing and doing another, well another man. And not woman enough to admit it to me of course.
So Ya that was my wake up call I guess. She's telling me one thing and doing another, well another man. And not woman enough to admit it to me of course.
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper
To anyone who is an alcoholic in recovery...
If she gets clean what are the chances she will realize her addiction ruined our relationship and she actually comes to terms with that...
I have read that it could happen, may take months or years or may never happen or even if it did happen she may never actually admit it.
thoughts
If she gets clean what are the chances she will realize her addiction ruined our relationship and she actually comes to terms with that...
I have read that it could happen, may take months or years or may never happen or even if it did happen she may never actually admit it.
thoughts
The lower we sink, the greater the rebound.
Of course we have to have a moment of clarity and turn it a round to rebound in the first place.
It might seem strange or bad advice, but intervention only slows the rock bottom that must be hit.
Every alcoholic has to hit one and it is different for each one of us.
Let her find a place, mentally, physically and spiritually beneath which she cannot go.
She will then be willing to admit defeat and face her reality.
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I am now on week 2 of no contact. The last time we spoke it was horrid, lots of arguing and fighting and I am also to blame for losing my temper. I knew she was already seeing someone I did not tell her that and of course she didn't admit.. She has cost me well over $15,000 it is very hard to simply throw my hands in the air and just not let it bother me. But I'm working on it ... Trust me.
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There should be no blame.
On either side. You didn't cause her central problem, alcoholism and it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be dealing with one
Of course you will blow up from time to time.
So long as it does not become the default way of dealing with her, little harm will come.
You're pretty much on the right track with how you're dealing with this.
Stay on track
On either side. You didn't cause her central problem, alcoholism and it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be dealing with one
Of course you will blow up from time to time.
So long as it does not become the default way of dealing with her, little harm will come.
You're pretty much on the right track with how you're dealing with this.
Stay on track
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I doubt for ,some reason, I will ever have to "deal" with her again. So long as I don't cave and try to make contact. It is hard, all of the memories at my house. But what's the point a bottle was more important than me and now a new guy is more important.
One day at a time my friends. It's slowly getting easier. All of you have been tremendous help. This is not the ending of the story I wanted but it apparently was the hand I was dealt.
One day at a time my friends. It's slowly getting easier. All of you have been tremendous help. This is not the ending of the story I wanted but it apparently was the hand I was dealt.
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The new guy is just another bottle. The most important thing to her is her drink.
Are you going to Alanon?
Are you going to Alanon?
Originally Posted by exparatrooper
I doubt for ,some reason, I will ever have to "deal" with her again. So long as I don't cave and try to make contact. It is hard, all of the memories at my house. But what's the point a bottle was more important than me and now a new guy is more important.
One day at a time my friends. It's slowly getting easier. All of you have been tremendous help. This is not the ending of the story I wanted but it apparently was the hand I was dealt.
One day at a time my friends. It's slowly getting easier. All of you have been tremendous help. This is not the ending of the story I wanted but it apparently was the hand I was dealt.
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