Trying to understand my Alcoholics addiction
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I wanted to give everyone an update. my ex A contacted me 2 days ago. The phone call seemed very strange, she was crying at times and angry at other times. She is home from rehab and is on 90 temp dissability, she gets to keep her job...
How nice, her drinking cost me my job and she gets a paid vacation.
Anyway she blamed me for all kinds of things, i did this, i didnt do that... etc. She also said she likes to drink and still does.... she never said we were "Over" "never getting married" she just said she needs me to be her friend right now she has been through allot? (and i havent? i spent a month wondering whether she was alive or dead because her entire family refused to speak to me and blamed me for her drinking)
That same night a picture surfaced on her facebook at about 11pm of her with 3 other women... at a pizza place. I looked up the pizza place and low and behold they serve beer and wine there. now she didnt have a drink in her hand and the table was bare so there were no drinks there... i just found it quite odd that she is going to a restraunt that serves alcohol 3 days out of rehab... hanging out with all her "rehab and AA" friends and continuing to ignore me.
She did not offer to return the ring she didnt even talk about the ring... she left the conversation open ended meaning i still have no clue what is going on between us... i am not sure what she means by the she needs me to be her friend right now... some could say she is beating around the bush at saying its over but why cant she just come out and say that? its driving me nuts...
She may be just wanting to string me along I guess and keep me wondering just in case she decides that she needs me again.. by her giving back the ring and telling me that we are done severs all ties and that long leash.... i am not an expert with alcoholics so i have not a clue how to interpret her actions.
She has since gone back to ignoring me it was almost like that phone was being used to pacify me for awhile to get me to leave her alone i dont know..
Thoughts
How nice, her drinking cost me my job and she gets a paid vacation.
Anyway she blamed me for all kinds of things, i did this, i didnt do that... etc. She also said she likes to drink and still does.... she never said we were "Over" "never getting married" she just said she needs me to be her friend right now she has been through allot? (and i havent? i spent a month wondering whether she was alive or dead because her entire family refused to speak to me and blamed me for her drinking)
That same night a picture surfaced on her facebook at about 11pm of her with 3 other women... at a pizza place. I looked up the pizza place and low and behold they serve beer and wine there. now she didnt have a drink in her hand and the table was bare so there were no drinks there... i just found it quite odd that she is going to a restraunt that serves alcohol 3 days out of rehab... hanging out with all her "rehab and AA" friends and continuing to ignore me.
She did not offer to return the ring she didnt even talk about the ring... she left the conversation open ended meaning i still have no clue what is going on between us... i am not sure what she means by the she needs me to be her friend right now... some could say she is beating around the bush at saying its over but why cant she just come out and say that? its driving me nuts...
She may be just wanting to string me along I guess and keep me wondering just in case she decides that she needs me again.. by her giving back the ring and telling me that we are done severs all ties and that long leash.... i am not an expert with alcoholics so i have not a clue how to interpret her actions.
She has since gone back to ignoring me it was almost like that phone was being used to pacify me for awhile to get me to leave her alone i dont know..
Thoughts
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Sounds like she's not ready to change. Rehab isn't a magic bullet.
If you want the ring back, ask her for it. Be prepared not to get it back. It might already be gone if she has had money troubles due to her addiction.
Get your stuff back and go no contact (that includes passive contact like FB stalking and updates through friends). She probably doesn't understand half the stuff she does, so there's no way you are going to get any real answers or resolution from her.
Work on you and it will get easier to let her and her stuff go.
If you want the ring back, ask her for it. Be prepared not to get it back. It might already be gone if she has had money troubles due to her addiction.
Get your stuff back and go no contact (that includes passive contact like FB stalking and updates through friends). She probably doesn't understand half the stuff she does, so there's no way you are going to get any real answers or resolution from her.
Work on you and it will get easier to let her and her stuff go.
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I think your buttons are being pushed, the classic syndrome. If you've not reached out to alanon or some other program I think it'd be very worth your while- it was for me- my RAW and I got into some destructive dynamics including the ignoring and withdrawl, lots of anger and frustration both ways.
Its really important to take care of yourself emotionally at this point.. that may sound cheesy, but its important in subtle ways in early recovery because it speaks directly to gaining clarity with respect to your responses to her. She might make it or not but, the relationship might or might not recover- that stuff will become clear as time passes. But the language you're using leads me to think you're in a fairly raw state emotionally wrt her and so I'd suggest that means you could use some recovery too.
If nothing else, there are many people in alanon in similar conditions as you, suffering similar doubts and stress.
Good luck!
Its really important to take care of yourself emotionally at this point.. that may sound cheesy, but its important in subtle ways in early recovery because it speaks directly to gaining clarity with respect to your responses to her. She might make it or not but, the relationship might or might not recover- that stuff will become clear as time passes. But the language you're using leads me to think you're in a fairly raw state emotionally wrt her and so I'd suggest that means you could use some recovery too.
If nothing else, there are many people in alanon in similar conditions as you, suffering similar doubts and stress.
Good luck!
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Originally Posted by schnappi99 
I think your buttons are being pushed, the classic syndrome. If you've not reached out to alanon or some other program I think it'd be very worth your while- it was for me- my RAW and I got into some destructive dynamics including the ignoring and withdrawl, lots of anger and frustration both ways.
Its really important to take care of yourself emotionally at this point.. that may sound cheesy, but its important in subtle ways in early recovery because it speaks directly to gaining clarity with respect to your responses to her. She might make it or not but, the relationship might or might not recover- that stuff will become clear as time passes. But the language you're using leads me to think you're in a fairly raw state emotionally wrt her and so I'd suggest that means you could use some recovery too.
If nothing else, there are many people in alanon in similar conditions as you, suffering similar doubts and stress.
Good luck!
Its really important to take care of yourself emotionally at this point.. that may sound cheesy, but its important in subtle ways in early recovery because it speaks directly to gaining clarity with respect to your responses to her. She might make it or not but, the relationship might or might not recover- that stuff will become clear as time passes. But the language you're using leads me to think you're in a fairly raw state emotionally wrt her and so I'd suggest that means you could use some recovery too.
If nothing else, there are many people in alanon in similar conditions as you, suffering similar doubts and stress.
Good luck!
Yes i have been attending meetings... unfortunately the place i go is only one night a week so after the meeting i see this huge mountain i have to climb emotionally to get to next weeks meeting.
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Yeah, she's still "active" IMO - by that I mean she's still quacking: blameshifting, denying responsibility, etc. You can't wait for her to catch up & "get it" - no telling how long that can take or if she'll even put in the real work & effort it requires. You may never get that acknowledgement from her at all.
In the meantime, you CAN start the very long process of healing for YOU. Reading your lost post I would gently suggest starting by reading up on resentments because you sound (rightfully) consumed with them right now. Sometimes just writing them all down & acknowledging them is a good start.
In the meantime, you CAN start the very long process of healing for YOU. Reading your lost post I would gently suggest starting by reading up on resentments because you sound (rightfully) consumed with them right now. Sometimes just writing them all down & acknowledging them is a good start.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Hey man, the nice thing about alanon meetings is you don't have to climb any emotional mountains to get there. Its better when you can bring the unadorned pain with you, cause everyone there knows it too.
I need 2 nights a week to keep the wheels on, but thats just me. Others in program go lots more. But if theres only one theres only one.
Isolation makes it worse. In our meetings they circulate phone lists. I had to work up my nerve to make the call- I chose to call a few people who shared things meaningful to me and it does help. My big impediment was fear of being seen as the creepy old guy calling the 20-something woman who shared something meaningful.
The hurt is real, accepting it and letting it go is vitally important- getting yourself there is the trick, it takes time and patience but recovery for you is absolutely possible.
I need 2 nights a week to keep the wheels on, but thats just me. Others in program go lots more. But if theres only one theres only one.
Isolation makes it worse. In our meetings they circulate phone lists. I had to work up my nerve to make the call- I chose to call a few people who shared things meaningful to me and it does help. My big impediment was fear of being seen as the creepy old guy calling the 20-something woman who shared something meaningful.
The hurt is real, accepting it and letting it go is vitally important- getting yourself there is the trick, it takes time and patience but recovery for you is absolutely possible.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Yeah, she's still "active" IMO - by that I mean she's still quacking: blameshifting, denying responsibility, etc. You can't wait for her to catch up & "get it" - no telling how long that can take or if she'll even put in the real work & effort it requires. You may never get that acknowledgement from her at all.
In the meantime, you CAN start the very long process of healing for YOU. Reading your lost post I would gently suggest starting by reading up on resentments because you sound (rightfully) consumed with them right now. Sometimes just writing them all down & acknowledging them is a good start.
In the meantime, you CAN start the very long process of healing for YOU. Reading your lost post I would gently suggest starting by reading up on resentments because you sound (rightfully) consumed with them right now. Sometimes just writing them all down & acknowledging them is a good start.
With that said, the drinking created such a toxic environment for me emotionally that i became distant, closed off and less interested in intimacy. Which she noticed and turned around and used on me as attacks and then reasons to drink even more. This became a toxic time bomb waiting to explode the more she drank, hid bottles, lied the more distant and closed off i became. until finally it all exploded last month and it all abruptly ended with her being taken to the hospital and then to rehab.
I also believe she has not changed, she is playing the victim where its still all my fault... like i said i am willing to take my fair share of responsibility in any relationship and take the necessary steps to improve it.. but i will not take the blame for her hiding bottles everywhere, stealing alcohol from my family, stealing money out of piggy banks to support her addiction or take responsibility for whatever reason she decides to make up for why she felt she had to drink... No one has to drink alcohol and no one can make another human being drink alcohol those were all her personal choices... until she realizes that she will never be a good wife or girlfriend for anyway.. she is a walking train-wreck category 5 hurricane and anyone unlucky enough to get sucked into her world of lies and deceit will wind up like me or possibly even worse.
I truly hope she starts walking her steps towards sobriety and recovery but based on her short communications with me i was the problem she doesn't have one... it is only a matter of time before she enters the tipping point if she has not already had that first drink after rehab.
_______________________________
Also understand i am just now figuring these things out.. When your in the middle of the storm you do not realize how badly you are did affected by their addiction... I knew i was upset, frustrated, afraid but to what extent i did not know at the time. It got to the point i felt like i was walking on egg shells around her afraid to set her off, i felt like i could no longer talk to her about anything and anytime i tried it was always my fault.
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I want to update my post because my saga continues and I do not think it is over yet.
My ex fiance got out of rehab about 3 weeks ago and things have been very tense.. for the entire time she was in she did not contact me at all. After she got out she called me and the conversation was very upsetting but we did speak about 2 hours on the phone... she left it with i will always love you and i do care, text me later goodbuy... no real closer kinda left me hanging wondering what in the heck ...
That same night a picture surfaced on her facebook page of her with some girls out at what looked to be a bar.. there were no drinks so no real smoking gun but 2 days out of rehab and already at a bar... strange... also there was a very blurry picture of what apeared to be some guy and her smiling in the background but i couldnt be sure. I noted the name of the guy.
We have had some heated conversations in between her getting out of rehab and now. We had one semi decent one that of course left me hopeful last friday..
that brings us to today... we had a terrible fight on the phone and for the first time since all of this happened on july 24 she finally said we are done... she has never said such hurtful things to me before as she did today..
I know i should have seen the writing on the wall here most likely a year ago.. I am writing this now more for me to get it off of my chest..
now since we had a joint phone account i had my own user name and password.. low and behold it still worked after i got the bright idea to check today after a month and a half... I guess i finally got my closer.. I found a number that she had been texting allot all the way back from now till the end of july so i went to facebook and did a search and low and behold it was a guy off of her page.. hundreds of texts and hour long conversations.. she was texting this guy a month before i walked out on july 24 because she was drunk again.... so it appears to me that this past month and a half was just a game she already knew our relationship was going down in flames and could end at any minute and was setting herself up for a new one... but never bothered to let me know anything until today keeping me stringing along. So she is 1 day out of rehab and already in a relationship or most likely talking to this new guy while in rehab and me and my family did know the wiser.. on top of that her rich parents purchased her a brand new car last week ... i guess their way of telling her job well done... i cant believe their insanity ...
so her parents are clueless that their daughter is pulling a big one over on them thinking she actually cared about rehab and staying sober.. meanwhile she is at her apartment most likely having her new boyfriend staying the night or staying the night at his house with her parents thinking she is being a good girl sitting at home working on her 12 steps..
now in a way this is over for me now but it isnt.. we still have a joint credit card account that i hurried up and permanently closed last week but it still has a balance and since they are refusing to return my engagement ring i am sure they will not pay the bill for that either..
wish i could win the lottery and pay that off so i can have her and her family out of my life permanently so i can put all of this horrible pain and insanity behind me once and for all.
My ex fiance got out of rehab about 3 weeks ago and things have been very tense.. for the entire time she was in she did not contact me at all. After she got out she called me and the conversation was very upsetting but we did speak about 2 hours on the phone... she left it with i will always love you and i do care, text me later goodbuy... no real closer kinda left me hanging wondering what in the heck ...
That same night a picture surfaced on her facebook page of her with some girls out at what looked to be a bar.. there were no drinks so no real smoking gun but 2 days out of rehab and already at a bar... strange... also there was a very blurry picture of what apeared to be some guy and her smiling in the background but i couldnt be sure. I noted the name of the guy.
We have had some heated conversations in between her getting out of rehab and now. We had one semi decent one that of course left me hopeful last friday..
that brings us to today... we had a terrible fight on the phone and for the first time since all of this happened on july 24 she finally said we are done... she has never said such hurtful things to me before as she did today..
I know i should have seen the writing on the wall here most likely a year ago.. I am writing this now more for me to get it off of my chest..
now since we had a joint phone account i had my own user name and password.. low and behold it still worked after i got the bright idea to check today after a month and a half... I guess i finally got my closer.. I found a number that she had been texting allot all the way back from now till the end of july so i went to facebook and did a search and low and behold it was a guy off of her page.. hundreds of texts and hour long conversations.. she was texting this guy a month before i walked out on july 24 because she was drunk again.... so it appears to me that this past month and a half was just a game she already knew our relationship was going down in flames and could end at any minute and was setting herself up for a new one... but never bothered to let me know anything until today keeping me stringing along. So she is 1 day out of rehab and already in a relationship or most likely talking to this new guy while in rehab and me and my family did know the wiser.. on top of that her rich parents purchased her a brand new car last week ... i guess their way of telling her job well done... i cant believe their insanity ...
so her parents are clueless that their daughter is pulling a big one over on them thinking she actually cared about rehab and staying sober.. meanwhile she is at her apartment most likely having her new boyfriend staying the night or staying the night at his house with her parents thinking she is being a good girl sitting at home working on her 12 steps..
now in a way this is over for me now but it isnt.. we still have a joint credit card account that i hurried up and permanently closed last week but it still has a balance and since they are refusing to return my engagement ring i am sure they will not pay the bill for that either..
wish i could win the lottery and pay that off so i can have her and her family out of my life permanently so i can put all of this horrible pain and insanity behind me once and for all.
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exparatrooper--as gently as possible--put her behind you, out of your thoughts. It was suggested earlier that you go NC (no contact). I'll say it again--go NC. You will have little success moving ahead w/your own life if you continue to allow her into it to stir things up whenever she wishes. NC includes no "checking up" on Facebook, either. Remember, let go or be dragged.
You WILL put this insanity behind you, but it will be one day at a time, one step at a time, as you pursue your own recovery.
A week between Alanon meetings is a long time. Can you find any others in between?
You WILL put this insanity behind you, but it will be one day at a time, one step at a time, as you pursue your own recovery.
A week between Alanon meetings is a long time. Can you find any others in between?
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Sounds like she needs to grow up. Stay strong & surround yourself with good, happy, stable folks. My ex played games- part of the addiction I guess. Praying for her sobriety & your strength. God bless you sir. Bernadette777
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Yes, my counselor couldn't believe she was rewarded with a new car after rehab. Most likely she was told if she gets rid of me (since they all think I am the problem) she will get a new car. Already in a new relationship clearly before ours really ended (I have walked out on her many times before, July. 24 was nothing new, her parents got tired of me upsetting her from what I was told... Poor baby.. I walked out on a drunk that ruined my birthday)
Her rehab was a waste of time clearly. She has to be lying to everyone about everything.
No longer my concern if she wants to continue living her addicted life that's up to her. I have no idea if she has drank or not yet but that doesn't mean she is "sober" I guess addicts will replace their addiction with a new relationship as well as the old relationship so they don't have to deal with their problems. Being in a relationship day 1 out of rehab spells disaster and her life is going to explode it's only a matter of time.
Her rehab was a waste of time clearly. She has to be lying to everyone about everything.
No longer my concern if she wants to continue living her addicted life that's up to her. I have no idea if she has drank or not yet but that doesn't mean she is "sober" I guess addicts will replace their addiction with a new relationship as well as the old relationship so they don't have to deal with their problems. Being in a relationship day 1 out of rehab spells disaster and her life is going to explode it's only a matter of time.
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And her family won't have me around to blame anymore. They are sick people. I kept getting emails that her mother was looking at my Linkedin page many times a week. Very creepy. Finally figured out how to block her.
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Ah paratrooper, I drove myself crazy trying to understand my bf alcoholic mind. Never did, never will. It was one time of him hitting me, and he's still in jail, court is monday. I'm pretty sure he will get out, so I am moving out. Lots of things keep us there... our stuff, fear of being alone, missing the person.... I've dealt with the deception, the lies, the binges, the three days of withdrawal, but I won't deal with the abuse. Hang tough..
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Thank you everyone... for you kind words. I never claimed to be perfect but I never held a bottle of booze higher than any human being ever in my life... I just cant seem to wrap my head around it.... 3.5 years, engagement $3000 ring and shes sleeping in the same bed we slept in with some other man right now and could care less how that makes me feel... because i nagged her one to many times about her drinking problem most likely... she made up stories to make her family hate me so i wouldnt be able to talk to them anymore.... i am sure her family has no idea she has been sleeping with this guy since the day she got out of rehab...
Everyone is right I deserve so much better... not because i am mr. perfect no... but because anyone deserves to be treated better than being lied to, manipulated, kicked, punched called names because the person you love can not admit that they have a problem.
I know she isnt right for me... I am doing much better than I was three weeks ago because of all of you. When I am down I write my feelings here... some of you are brutaly honest with me and that is ok... I know others have gone through the same thing or worse... I will just never understand how an addict can just write you off like you never mattered to them at all after so many years of putting forth over 100% and then blame you for all of it like it was your fault that they drank...
She even texted that to me "It was you... you were the reason I drank... you treated me like ****" I know that isnt true... I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her... and that is just her addiction trying to make me feel guilty for something I do not deserve... but it is still harsh words to endure none the less...
Everyone is right I deserve so much better... not because i am mr. perfect no... but because anyone deserves to be treated better than being lied to, manipulated, kicked, punched called names because the person you love can not admit that they have a problem.
I know she isnt right for me... I am doing much better than I was three weeks ago because of all of you. When I am down I write my feelings here... some of you are brutaly honest with me and that is ok... I know others have gone through the same thing or worse... I will just never understand how an addict can just write you off like you never mattered to them at all after so many years of putting forth over 100% and then blame you for all of it like it was your fault that they drank...
She even texted that to me "It was you... you were the reason I drank... you treated me like ****" I know that isnt true... I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her... and that is just her addiction trying to make me feel guilty for something I do not deserve... but it is still harsh words to endure none the less...
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Not that it matters - just typing out my feelings once again to get this off my chest...
My gut feeling was right there definately is another guy.. after 2.5 weeks out of rehab she changed her facebook status to in a relationship... no other activity than that.. people are replying to her saying "I thought you were engaged?" "were you just not in a relationship?" Of course no replies to those questions and the relationship status does not say to who she is in one with...
I know I know Im not supposed to look im sure i will get hounded for that... but in some way the closure i have been searching for this may be it... because for someone to throw away 3.5 years and an engagement... still have my ring at her place and definately having a man staying the weekends now... is definately a sick person... and she is definately not the girl i thought i knew... not the girl my family thought they knew... my mother and her used to go shopping together etc... she really put on a good show for us...
So I guess at this point I can in my mind finally say that it is over... I have been shown who she really is and what type of girl she is when she thinks no one is looking... if i had known these things before i had met her i would never have dated her in the first place... trashy girls that sleep around and jump from one guy to the next with no break in between is not my style or something i will ever be interested in...
Its funny how after a breakup you tend to see someones true colors that they have been hiding more so than when you were with them.. I couldnt get her off the couch for 3.5 years to hardly do anything without a fight or argument.. now she seems to be totally different. Not the girl i used to know by any means..
I wish her luck and hope that her addiction does not put her in an early grave clearly she is not focused on her recovery.. she was supposed to get a plant not a new boyfriend week 1 out of rehab... oh well her choice not mine..
Just wanted to share my thoughts thanks for reading
On a good note I should hear the results of my THIRD interview tomororw!! If i get the job i should be making enough money to get off of my old mans couch and finally recover from this mess in a couple months and get my own place... Things hopefully are looking up from here....
My gut feeling was right there definately is another guy.. after 2.5 weeks out of rehab she changed her facebook status to in a relationship... no other activity than that.. people are replying to her saying "I thought you were engaged?" "were you just not in a relationship?" Of course no replies to those questions and the relationship status does not say to who she is in one with...
I know I know Im not supposed to look im sure i will get hounded for that... but in some way the closure i have been searching for this may be it... because for someone to throw away 3.5 years and an engagement... still have my ring at her place and definately having a man staying the weekends now... is definately a sick person... and she is definately not the girl i thought i knew... not the girl my family thought they knew... my mother and her used to go shopping together etc... she really put on a good show for us...
So I guess at this point I can in my mind finally say that it is over... I have been shown who she really is and what type of girl she is when she thinks no one is looking... if i had known these things before i had met her i would never have dated her in the first place... trashy girls that sleep around and jump from one guy to the next with no break in between is not my style or something i will ever be interested in...
Its funny how after a breakup you tend to see someones true colors that they have been hiding more so than when you were with them.. I couldnt get her off the couch for 3.5 years to hardly do anything without a fight or argument.. now she seems to be totally different. Not the girl i used to know by any means..
I wish her luck and hope that her addiction does not put her in an early grave clearly she is not focused on her recovery.. she was supposed to get a plant not a new boyfriend week 1 out of rehab... oh well her choice not mine..
Just wanted to share my thoughts thanks for reading
On a good note I should hear the results of my THIRD interview tomororw!! If i get the job i should be making enough money to get off of my old mans couch and finally recover from this mess in a couple months and get my own place... Things hopefully are looking up from here....
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Originally Posted by exparatrooper
On a good note I should hear the results of my THIRD interview tomorrow!! If I get the job i should be making enough money to get off of my old man's couch and finally recover from this mess in a couple months and get my own place... Things hopefully are looking up from here....
You're right, things are looking up from here on in.
(And obligatory hounding: Stay off of her FB page! Your happiness depends on YOU, absolutely NOT on HER and what she is doing/not doing or who she is seeing/not seeing! Hounding done--now concentrate on yourself and that interview...Go get 'em!)
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I already had the third interview... tomorrow i hear the results of said interview.. my recruiter said he feels pretty strongly that I got the job...
I guess i just wanted to understand that what she is doing right now is typical behaviour of an addict in denial of their problem and that it really wasn't something i did or didn't do for my path to wind up where it is right now.... lots of emotions this past week.
I guess i just wanted to understand that what she is doing right now is typical behaviour of an addict in denial of their problem and that it really wasn't something i did or didn't do for my path to wind up where it is right now.... lots of emotions this past week.
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