littlefish

I was going to guess at that. I almost wrote but then deleted a remark, it went something like this: a normal mother would be worried and concerned about an alcoholic daughter.
A normal mother would be skeptical and probably not keen on seeing an alcoholic child get married. She would probably tell her daughter that she needs to get sober before getting married. She would be worried about her future grandchildren being taken care of by a drunk mother. She might even warn the future son in law of the problem. I think normal people would behave like that.
Course that is a mother and daughter.
The dynamic with a mother and alcoholic son, well, I think it is different.

exparatrooper

Your exactly right... so in the midst of this chaos cloud that i just walked out of... I think I am learning that my ex's entire family is dysfunctional and alcoholics. I don't believe her father is one but I am pretty sure mother, son and daughter are all alcoholics... with daughter being the worst of the 3... so we now have a situation where no one wants father to know so all 3 are constantly covering up for each other and most likely have been for years and years.

I know my ex has been drinking since before she was of age... i found that out after i knew to look after i moved out. I found a 2nd Facebook that i never knew about last used in 08... it was public so i could easily click through all of the pics and let me tell you her pictures from when she was 19 years old paint a very telling story... mini fridge in dorm filled to brim with booze, mini fridge door filled to brim with booze and sitting on top of fridge is 10 bottles of liquor.. 2 years later ex moved in with brother out of the dorm into a house they rented. I found pics of that house on this Facebook.. i knew they had lived together but never saw these pictures before. the kitchen has cupboards that do not reach the ceiling so you can place decorations on top... all the way from one end of kitchen to the other on top is bottles of liquor with a pic of my ex trashed out of her mind... another pic of her holding a fifth of jack daniels and picture upon picture of clubs and bars .... i looked on my Facebook over the years just to compare and i have no pictures of booze at all none... not a single picture.. i do drink, socially but for some reason i have no pictures at all on my Facebook of a bottle or a can of alcohol.. i never thought about that ever its just how i live my life... i looked at some friends of mine to compare and they really do not either.. so i guess i was looking to compare what might normal be to what her normal is... and the difference is astonishing.

so it looks like i was saved by the bell. it sucks but slowly i am realizing how lucky i was to have gotten away by the skin of my teeth like this even though when everything was imploding around me i did not realize it then... and if i had not have found this website i may still not be realizing it yet.

NYCDoglvr

It is what it is, the why of it doesn't matter. If you were ever able to understand why (highly unlikely), it wouldn't matter, nothing would change. The only thing you can change is yourself, your thoughts feelings, beliefs and actions. I suggest Alanon, which helped me keep my sanity while leaving an impossible relationship with an alcoholic.

Bernadette777

Dear Exparatrooper,

Thank you for being a good man who didn't hit back, even though she hit you first. That takes tremendous inner strength. I pray she wakes up. In the meantime, good for you to draw the line in the sand. Stay strong & take care of you. She needs to be responsible for recovery. It's sad what the alcohol can do. Take care.
Bernadette777

exparatrooper

Thank you Bernadette777, i wish i felt the way you described. Maybe someday a good guy will finish last...

Soberintexas007

I am a recovering alcoholic. She may or may not get sober. I am currently sober and doing well, but when I drink everything goes downhill. My husband has shockingly been doing well and has not been drinking, although I don't think he is counting any days or anything. He is a lot happier now that we are moving out, as I think it was getting tough on him having to live with his in-laws. I am congratulating him on his abstinence from alcohol and encouraging him to keep up the good work.

exparatrooper

Oh and as i mentioned in my earlier posts (I forgot about this) I was medically discharged for asthma from the military after a bad bought with pneumonia. I have inhalers with me at all times and a nebulizer at home just in case.

When she attacked me and was choking me i had an asthma attack and during the scuffle of me trying to get to my feet (i had my backpack on with my winter jacket on she grabbed the handle on the top of the backpack and nocked me over backwards - I'm only a 150 lb guy) then she jumped on top of me while my backpack was still on my back with my coat on in the apartment and started choking me... during the scuffle my inhaler broke that was in my pocket... when i finally got out of the apartment i figured this out and had to sit in my car seeing stars because i couldn't breath...looking back i could have died because i did not have an extra inhaler with me..

Her mother has no clue why i didn't want to be around her daughter when she's drinking. Im not no spring chicken anymore (37) and still have medical problems from my military service...

exparatrooper

I keep remembering things from over the years... i was not at the apartment for this altercation... she was drunk yet again and her mother went over and all hell broke loose they got into a fight in her bedroom and somehow the light-switch for her closet on the wall got smashed and broke... I am pretty handy so of course i wound up having to fix that for her. So her and her mother are very violent people it seems.

ladyscribbler

One mistake that I made was to believe that the drinking caused the domestic violence, but actually they are two separate issues. I always wanted to make that excuse, "Well, he was drunk or it wouldn't have happened." But that was denial on my part. Not all alcoholics resort to physical violence, and you shouldn't give her a pass just because she was drunk.
Thank goodness you are safe now. That description of her family blew my mind. Imagine bringing children into that nest of loonies. You dodged an extra large bullet dude. Can you maybe understand why the Alanon folks said being out of that situation was a gift from god? Even if you're not especially religious (I am not and I do fine in Alanon) maybe look at it as a gift from the universe. Seems like opening up here has shaken loose a lot of memories. I had that happen too. Started remembering stuff that I had blocked out when I was living in the daily chaos, like you just go into survival mode.

exparatrooper

Yes! i keep remember things now that I have been on here... i have been just sitting at my desk on my laptop playing some relaxing enigma (New Age) and trying to just get as much out as i can. I don't want to feel like i am whining here by any means but i can not describe how much better i feel since i signed up yesterday.. something about actually typing it out and putting it out there and reading everyones stories and responses is so uplifting... thanks everyone so much.

Bernadette777

You will brother, give yourself a chance,it takes time to breathe,feel & work through the emotions with an individual under the influence. A wonderful person on this website once told me that they do love us but its like the invasion of the body snatchers... The booze is the alien - it takes them over & we try to understand their actions but - the actions are really the alcohol. It sucks, i know. One thing i learned is we cant control it - we didn't cause it & we can't cure it. But, you're going to have great support here. Stay strong friend & God bless.

exparatrooper

And i don't want to make all of this sound like they are "terrible" and me and my family are perfect.. Not at all.. but i honestly rarely drink... when i was single i really had no reason to go sit at a bar and drink by myself and i never really drank at home i thought it was just stupid.. sit at home and give myself a hangover... but when i met her i guess i felt i had to and it started becoming normal... then i started realizing wait a minute.. i have turned into her permanent Designated Driver... which is exactly what I was... i had to always be the responsible one because she would always have way more than 2... I always limited myself too two drinks when we were out... she would always have like 5 or 6 then stumble out of the bar on the weekends.. I guess i was naive to not realize this was a problem in the beginning.. i just made excuses because i guess i did not want to be lonely. I did not want to believe that she had a problem i was finally in love...

exparatrooper

Sad thing is i do still love her and now i feel more bad for her than mad at her... i am mad at her family more than anything else... I want to so badly to just drive to her mothers house and look her in the eye and say "I was with your daughter for 3 years and begged you to help her and i have been to ALANON meetings, counseling and done a tone of research to try to help her... She is 28 years old what have you done besides ignore her problem and pretend it doesn't exist!"

But i know someone in denial has convinced themselves that a tree is in the front yard when in reality there really is no tree... and you can not convince them otherwise.

She has completely cut me off and won't speak to me... i do long to hear from her but maybe it is for the best if i never hear from her again... i am just not sure what that is going to be like... i know i should never want to hear from her again... and i guess shame on me for not feeling that way.

Bernadette777

No shame friend...it's love, it get messy sometimes. It happens, then when love has booze & drugs on top of it- well, it really shakes it up. If her family knows and doesn't want to admit it, pray for them to see the truth. God bless ya for your courage. You'll have great folks here at SR to support ya. We're all here for each other. Take care of you brother. Be blessed & be well. Bernie777

ladyscribbler

Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, but I was addicted to relationships. I put up with so much unacceptable behavior just to stay in toxic relationships just because I was afraid of being alone, I thought I had no choice. My models for adult relationships all included some type of abuse or unacceptable behavior. It wasn't until I started working my own recovery from codependency that I began to see how my choices and behavior contributed to that toxicity. I was one half of the equation.

exparatrooper

I am more shy and quiet.. I hate it to be honest.. I have always had a very difficult time meeting woman.. I met my ex online and i thought it was love at first site and that I had finally found the one.

I am not the type of guy who can just say... ok, next girl and walk out and get another girlfriend... sometimes it has taken me years to actually get a date.. which is very very frustrating for me. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.. I have worked so hard, served my country, earned my degree and tried to stay in decent shape etc..

honeypig

And that is all for the best! You'll need time to work on yourself, and the distraction of a new relationship won't help w/that. The reason to work on yourself? So you don't make the same mistakes again. And some of us here have a decades-long history of doing exactly that, choosing the absolutely wrong person again and again (not mentioning any names, like Honeypig or anything....).

AnvilheadII

I want to so badly to just drive to her mothers house and look her in the eye and say "I was with your daughter for 3 years and begged you to help her and i have been to ALANON meetings, counseling and done a tone of research to try to help her... She is 28 years old what have you done besides ignore her problem and pretend it doesn't exist!"

you couldn't HELP her (fix her, cure her) so why do you want to shift the blame to her mom?? there's only one person who can fix your EX....and that is the 28 year old lady herself. if her family wants to be in denial, that is their choice.

NWGRITS

Ahhh, good old Fort Useless. Grew up in that area. Uncle was based out of Eustis for a while, grandfather was at NWS Yorktown, father was in-and-out if NAB Little Creek (also a paratrooper, but Vietnam-era USMC), and my first real job was out of Fort Story (which is now run by the Navy). Welcome to SR! It sounds like you've gotten a crash course into family alcoholism and codependency. My suggestion, after growing up in a dysfunctional family like that is to run, but you've gotten a lot of insight here to help you make the right decision for YOU. Unlike with your A and her family, you're #1 here, and we're all about putting #1 first.

exparatrooper

Thank you i am still trying to wrap my head around all of this and pick up the pieces of my life... just spent several hours having to remove 3 years of my life from Facebook and my cellphone so it has been a rather rough day.

At this point I have no idea if i will ever hear from her again... its been a month now and i have not heard a peep. Most likely that is a good thing i know but that is still very hard to swallow right now for me.. One day at a time i guess.