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Old 07-30-2014, 07:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Update - AH out of detox


I've been hesitating in updating. So many people gave their time to give me what I know is really good, solid advice from years of experience. I'm also feeling quite brittle...so please go easy-ish on me.

I did decide to let AH come home after detox. He came home Sunday, and has basically been sleeping most of the time, or eating. He's been to the GP, Psych, smart, and we have our family therapy appt this Saturday. He hasn't had a drink but I know it's very early days, and I know he is craving and struggling.

With the family therapist/ drunk and alcohol counsellor, I'll define my boundaries...for me, but also we are going to map out 'what if' scenarios - he's a 'consultant' this appeals to him. He's scared I am going to say...the minute you take a drink younare gone forever....and says he gets it if I do say that. But that he's scared. I said I don't know what to say...lets map it out this weekend. But he certainly isn't coming anywhere near the house if he lapses, or relapses, and a relapse will most likely result in the "never again" statement. But I know lapses and relapses are likely.....so am I just putting the writing on the wall...I didn't say that to him but that's my thoughts that are screwy.

I feel like I did have to give him a chance - it's the first time he's ever taken this step, and it felt too punishing to kick him out the first time he actually tries to sort himself out.

I realise that whole statement is about him. To be honest I am very conflicted as to whether I've done the right thing or not. I am not loving having him home, in his current state he certainly doesn't 'add' anything to the house, to us or to our family. I feel like I need to give one opportunity for it to work, so I am nt left feeling "well he tried to do the right thing.... But you couldn't support it". I KNOW if I didn't let him back that this would be a rationale and reasonable (and probably healthier) response. But just goes to show I have a long way to go because I'm not choosing rationale, reasonable or healthy probably. Oh and I do know I could have supported him even if it wasn't living at home...but I've made the choice to support him in this specific way bc of what I shared in my last post.

I know he probably won't be that one in a million who makes it on the first attempt...but I feel I need to give him this one chance.

Thanks to all who shared their thoughts and experience with me....the one good thing is if it doesn't happen, then I know I will be ok. I'm hoping I'll continue to have your support for which I am so so grateful, even if I am not following the overwhelming 'dont do it' advice!
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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No advice, my ex has never gotten to this stage. I will be cautiously optimistic that Mr. Jarp is serious and hope for his success. I've actually run into this many times in Alanon, where one spouse is in Alanon and the other is working a recovery from addiction and living in sobriety.
Big hugs and best wishes.
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for the update Jarp. I've been thinking about you. I totally understand where you are and you deserve all of the support in the world Sounds like you have many wheels turning to support both your hubby and you. I'm so glad that you are firm with your boundaries - so important. The important thing is that you do what you need to so that you are at peace with the outcome. If in your heart you need to give him this opportunity than bless you. Draw your line and hopefully you won't need to enforce it. Take care of you - you can only help him so much and then he has to step up and do his work.
I'm so glad I checked the board tonight - thanks for the update
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sweetie, you have to do what you can live with. We can all pontificate all day, share our experiences, etc., but at the end of the day, it's your life and you have to do what you think is right.

I hope it works out. It sometimes does, ya know. There are many recovering alcoholics here to prove that. I am one of them. (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-30-2014, 07:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Jarp, you gotta walk your path YOUR way. I could never have predicted all the turns & dead ends I have run into on my own path so far.

No judgements, (I stayed with RAH, no stones & glass houses here); my "advice" remains the same regardless of your decision.... please just don't lose your recovery in the process of all these adjustments. Keep logging in & reading & posting, keep therapy, al-anon, baying at the full moon - whatever works for you. Work on those boundaries, understanding your own tolerance & place in all of this. ((((((hugs))))))
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you for the update Jarp - sending some good vibes down under. No one hands us a script for life. You are doing what you think you think you need to, and we have all been there my friend.
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks all, I REALLY appreciate the support. I will of course continue on with my own recovery work, and will actually step this up as I will need the extra support and strength now more than ever.
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks so much for the update Jarp. I too have been wondering what you decided upon. Being the AW in my marriage I'm grateful that hubbie (Schnappi) who will likely chime in gave me that one chance. I know that if I relapse I am OUT and I have a picture of my daughter in my wallet. Each time I even THINK about drinking I look at her picture and think "is losing her REALLY worth it?" Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Six months sober is right around the corner for me. Hubbie has GOT to be afraid of a relapse given the horrible odds based on stats. That said I understand why you made the decision you did and I think that given your circumstances I might well have made the same one. Who knows. Maybe losing IT ALL will be enough for him. If not though you gave it your all and you can go in peace without regrets.

Best to both of you:-)
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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JARP, my husband just came home tonight from 30 days in rehab. I was not against him coming home, I never really thought of him going any place else especially after making it this far for the first time ever. We start our counseling Monday. I'm also working on my boundaries for when/if there is a lapse or relapse. Its not easy or fun. No one knows who will and won't make it. I'm just trying to make decisions that are good for me and my kids. You do the same and be strong. What a wonderful place this is to receive such support and kind words, sometimes I'm amazed. Please keep updating, we seem to be going through similar situations and may be able to help each other out. Best wishes and hugs to you!!
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Old 07-30-2014, 08:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My AH has been in rehab 2x the last 4 months and I let him come home. I was not as scared the 2nd time because I have worked on my own recovery. Each person has to decide what works for them and the boundaries. I haven't given up on my husband and know while he is sober tonight there are going to be relapses along the way and know what to do (hopefully!) One thing I was not prepared for after the1st time in rehab is how much time is spent @ AA , therapists,talking with sponsors, etc. I know it is something he needs to do and am ok with it. When we do spend time with the kids it is that much better because of the work he is doing. BEST WISHES!
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I've been thinking about you. At the end of the day we all take the steps that are right for us in our heart. I totally get this one. Take things one moment at a time and post as often as you need for support. Sending out positive, calming, recovery vibes for you and your husband
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Old 07-30-2014, 09:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jarp View Post
I know he probably won't be that one in a million who makes it on the first attempt...but I feel I need to give him this one chance.
Jarp, this is a reasoned and informed choice. You are doing all the ancillary things (therapist, boundaries, etc.) that are appropriate, and recognize that the rest is up to him.

And so you know, one chip wonders, as AA calls folks who "make it" on their first attempt, do exist: I am one of those fortunate people. Recovery "miracles" happen for those who work for them, I hope your husband can do the same.
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Old 07-30-2014, 10:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm so glad you updated, I was wondering how things went when he got out.

And listen -- nobody here is going to sigh and say "WHY did she do that after we told her it was a bad idea?". Nobody. Because we've all been there. We've all had to make hard decisions (even if not exactly that one) and we all know that there are so many more things going into a decision like that than you can share on a message board (even if you type really long posts like I do...)

I had scores of people telling me for years to leave my ex. I left when I was ready. My RA friend says her husband fought people telling him to leave her when he discovered she was an A. She's been sober without a relapse for... about 12 years now.

It does happen. I think the most important thing we can always do for ourselves is keep our focus on ourselves, sweep our side of the street, and don't build our lives completely around the alcoholic's success or failure in staying sober. Then whatever happens, we'll be OK.
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Old 07-30-2014, 10:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I gave in and let RAH come home. He is 15 mo. I'm 15 mo down my recovery road too. Good luck, patience and peace!
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Old 07-31-2014, 12:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Jarp - Great to see an update - you sound like you feel guilty and you feel you have to justify to people here why you let him come home -- please don't feel that way. As so many have said tonight, we only have a small snapshot into eachothers situations, yes it is a very personal one, but we are all individuals with very different life stories. We will have some things in common but not everything in common. And we are all at different points on our journey, so need to go at our own pace, not everyone else's.

I think it is hardest for people to stay and give chances to the A when the love has dwindled away as they've been through so much, but when you still have love you will always have hope. When the love is gone, it's time to go and if that happens, the decision will come much more easily.

I still have love and hope for my semi x ABF - he goes into 10 days alcohol rehab Saturday, something I never thought he would do, so who knows what the future holds, all I know is that this is new hope and worth waiting it out (with a great therapist and boundaries for me of course!)

Best to you!
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Old 07-31-2014, 12:48 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Jarp please remember regardless of which side the advice falls on this forum (or any other place) … this is YOUR life. Its your husband, your family. You have a past with your husband, and you will have your own coping mechanisms, support systems, financial considerations and on and on… At the end of the day when we each log off SR, we go back to our lives, our husbands, our children, or maybe even our own empty house.

You’re the only one who gets to open the door to your house and go inside. So you have to find your own way, and follow your heart and live by your own beliefs.

Personally I would have made the same decision you did… I did make the same decision with my own husband. He came home for a short time after detox before entering rehab, and then after rehab he also came straight home. I really don’t think its uncommon…

Regarding boundaries and relapses… I think it’s a good idea to work with your family therapist, and know that boundaries don’t always have to be solid road blocks; they can also be flexible barriers and will change as you change throughout this recovery. My husband I worked on Relapse Prevention Plans and actual Relapse Plans with the help of our therapist. It helped me define my actions given different types of scenarios that might occur, it also gave my husband a roadmap. Both of these things were very comforting to me…but it does take time. Just know you don’t have to have all the answers today. My therapist told me in the very beginning its normal for spouses to be left in almost a state of shock especially if it’s the first attempt at recovery; so please be kind to yourself.
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