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It's over

Old 07-09-2014, 03:35 PM
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It's over

What a busy few weeks thanks to being back to work and I am so busy. It has been good to get back into a routine and to be able to think about something else other than my AH and our current situation.

He called round 2 weeks ago Sunday morning, drunk he wasn't nasty or aggressive just the usual drunken talk. Then this sat we were talking and again he was saying he doesn't know how he feels about anything if our marriage is over or if he wants to stop drinking. So I told him that for now while he continues to drink our marriage is over. So the next morning I received a text message from him asking why I loved him and yes I replied and told him he was still drunk from the night before!! He called later that night and I got very angry with him because of what he was saying. We agreed to meet on Monday night and talk and it was the first time he was honest with me about what is going on for him, well I hope he was being honest and not trying to manipulate me.

He talked about his decision to leave and how he felt so guilty about continuing to hurt me and let me down. He talked about feeling that he is so worthless and not good enough for me and he believed I was better off without him as he wanted to drink and knew he couldn't follow through on his promises to stop and seek help. He spoke about not being able to cope with the guilt about his drinking and how it was affecting me. He talked about not knowing who he was the old him, who drank daily and partied or the person that he was trying to be. I told him it's about deciding who he wanted to be and doing what was needed to become the person he wanted to be. He said he thinks about giving up drink but he is scared, how the circumstances have to be perfect for him to quit. I know this is putting it off and a sign that he is not genuine in his desire to quit and I told him this. That's one of those comments alcoholics say but the perfect circumstances never materialise!!

He said he wants to be with me but knows he can't because of his drinking. He talked about the cravings and how he can have a couple of drinks on a night but then the next night he could drink the place dry! He states that he think is about quitting mostly after a heavy binge and he's hungover. At the minute he is not drinking much during the week if at all but when the weekend comes he drinks to the point of passing out. He doesn't know if he's not drinking much during the week because he's at his mums and only time will tell when he's on his own.

We talked about how he could never come home until he was sober and seeking help and that this would be a long process. I told him again our marriage was over for now and if he ever becomes sober we would see where we are and if we wanted to work things out. I don't even know where I will be in my recovery if he ever becomes sober.

I was tearful after he left but not sobbing for hours I just feel so deflated and sad that my marriage is over. I'm scared that he will never seek sobriety and I will lose him for ever and I don't want to but I know that this has to be a choice he makes and he has to do it for him!!

I want to help him I'm the only person he talks to and I know I shouldn't be available to support him unless he's seeking sobriety but I'm scared that if I don't support him he won't come through this and he will continue to spiral. Feeling very confused about everything but I've accepted although very sadly that my marriage is over.

Sorry for the lengthy post and thanks for reading
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Old 07-09-2014, 04:36 PM
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Active alcoholics have a lot of underlying emotional problems that they are numbing and medicating with alcohol. My ex suffered from brain injuries, PTSD, depression, nightmares, anxiety due to deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan. I wanted more than anything to be there for him, support him, help him heal. We'd been through a war together, survived that, only to come home and have alcoholism kick our teeth in.
He didn't want to heal, and no matter how much I wanted it for him, he just kept on drinking, numbing the pain, stuffing the emotions until it boiled over into violence against me and our family. He brought the war home with him. He's still fighting it every day, trying to drown pain with poison. Me being there wouldn't have accomplished a single thing but to put me and my kids in danger. He'll either come through the other side or he won't. I am and always was powerless to lead him out.
It's good that you had this time to talk with him, but maybe just leave things where they are. It's probably the closest you will ever get to understanding, and continued contact isn't going to do anything but prolong your pain. I'm really rooting for you to heal. You have a big loving heart. You're a good person.
Take some of the compassion you're feeling for him and use it to heal yourself. You deserve better. Hugs.
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Old 07-09-2014, 04:52 PM
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I'm sorry you are hurting confused39. Even though alcoholism is the circumstance that brought you here, you are still grieving this stage in your relationship and it is hard.its really hard.

I agree with ladyscribbler....you might need to take what your AH said as the closest you'll get to understanding where he is 'at' right now. It sounds like he had quite a genuine and honest conversation.

It's very hard to draw strong boundaries over where you'll support him and where you need to not respond....I really empathise with this as I am in the same situation. It's hard when you see their suffering is genuine and their pain is real, especially when yo suspect that there is 'more' than alcoholism involved. We get so used to caring, and propping them up that it is very scary to let that go and let someone you love suffer more than they are right now...even if they DO have options that they don't want to exercise right now.

Take care if yourself...my AH also left very recently and it's tough.
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Old 07-09-2014, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I want to help him I'm the only person he talks to and I know I shouldn't be available to support him unless he's seeking sobriety but I'm scared that if I don't support him he won't come through this and he will continue to spiral. Feeling very confused about everything but I've accepted although very sadly that my marriage is over.
Confused, despite all the love and connection you have to him, you are not the key to his sobriety. Until he is willing to do anything to get sober, he will not be capable of staying sober. Your efforts to support him may ultimately prop up his addiction, not his attempts to get sober.
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Old 07-09-2014, 05:58 PM
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So sorry for the hurt you are feeling.
Unfortunately only he can seek sobriety.
It is not fair for you to put your life on hold for his behaviours.
Of course you want to help, of course you wish it were different but if he is not going to seek sobriety then you only have 2 choices, stay on the rollercoaster or get off the rollercoaster & save yourself.
You are doing the right thing even though it hurts.
Big hugs.
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:02 PM
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Confused, when you say "our marriage is over for now" what do you mean?

I don't think it would be good for you in the long term to stay in this situation waiting for him to "maybe" get better someday and "maybe" come home and still be legally and morally tied to him.

Do you get my drift here? What do you need to move forward if this is what's going on with him right now?
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Old 07-10-2014, 11:25 AM
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Thank you everyone who replied

I think your right ladyscribbler in that this may be the closest I get to understanding where he is and our conversation really helped me to understand. Hugs to you and what you have gone through!

It's hard though to step back and I know that only he can chose to get sober and seek help and I certainly can't force him into it. I have read other posts where the alcoholic chose sobriety as he didn't want to lose his family and I had hoped that would be the same for my H and maybe at some point it will be but not now.

Jarp I'm sorry that you are going through the same it is heart breaking and so difficult to understand and walk away from someone you love. Hugs

Eddiebuckle i hear what you are saying about my support may continue to prop him up I guess I'm scared what will happen to him if I walk away and I'm not here for him to talk to.

When I say my marriage is over for now At this time I know that if my AH became sober I would have him home I love him and miss him unlike so many others peoples experience my AH hasn't been violent or aggressive while drunk in about 12 years yes he binged and took off but when drink wasn't involved he was kind and loving he never had affairs. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me but his battle with addiction is too strong and although he has fought it for many many years he can't anymore and has given into his cravings. We both talked that he couldn't come home until he was sober as I will not go back to that way of life. He has said he is tired of fighting it. I think that as he is feeling so bad about himself he has just accepted this is who he is and that he can't change even though I know he can. But he has to want it

That said I am continuing in my recovery and if he ever becomes sober and wants to come home I don't know how I will feel or if I will want him home. I am feeling better than what I was when he first left and I know that the further along in my recovery the more good days I will have. I do still have the sense of emptiness and sadness I guess that will ease with time.

Hugs to you all
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Old 07-10-2014, 03:38 PM
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confused...I am so glad to hear that you are continuing in your own recovery.

You have made so much progress over the last several weeks.

I want to assure you that the way you are feeling, just n ow, is not the way you will always feel. I know that it is hard to completely believe this when your heart is still aching.

You and your children will be so much better off in the long run, though.

You will laugh, again. You will feel joy again.

Your perseverence will pay off!!

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Old 07-10-2014, 03:51 PM
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Thank you dandylion
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Old 07-10-2014, 04:04 PM
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He needs to take responsibility for his own sobriety. Until he wants to quit drinking there is little you can do. Offer to find him a treatment center and give him the phone number or for a free alternative give him the number to AA
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Old 07-10-2014, 04:04 PM
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I'm sorry you have to go through this. Thinking of you.
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