It's over
What a busy few weeks thanks to being back to work and I am so busy. It has been good to get back into a routine and to be able to think about something else other than my AH and our current situation.
He called round 2 weeks ago Sunday morning, drunk he wasn't nasty or aggressive just the usual drunken talk. Then this sat we were talking and again he was saying he doesn't know how he feels about anything if our marriage is over or if he wants to stop drinking. So I told him that for now while he continues to drink our marriage is over. So the next morning I received a text message from him asking why I loved him and yes I replied and told him he was still drunk from the night before!! He called later that night and I got very angry with him because of what he was saying. We agreed to meet on Monday night and talk and it was the first time he was honest with me about what is going on for him, well I hope he was being honest and not trying to manipulate me.
He talked about his decision to leave and how he felt so guilty about continuing to hurt me and let me down. He talked about feeling that he is so worthless and not good enough for me and he believed I was better off without him as he wanted to drink and knew he couldn't follow through on his promises to stop and seek help. He spoke about not being able to cope with the guilt about his drinking and how it was affecting me. He talked about not knowing who he was the old him, who drank daily and partied or the person that he was trying to be. I told him it's about deciding who he wanted to be and doing what was needed to become the person he wanted to be. He said he thinks about giving up drink but he is scared, how the circumstances have to be perfect for him to quit. I know this is putting it off and a sign that he is not genuine in his desire to quit and I told him this. That's one of those comments alcoholics say but the perfect circumstances never materialise!!
He said he wants to be with me but knows he can't because of his drinking. He talked about the cravings and how he can have a couple of drinks on a night but then the next night he could drink the place dry! He states that he think is about quitting mostly after a heavy binge and he's hungover. At the minute he is not drinking much during the week if at all but when the weekend comes he drinks to the point of passing out. He doesn't know if he's not drinking much during the week because he's at his mums and only time will tell when he's on his own.
We talked about how he could never come home until he was sober and seeking help and that this would be a long process. I told him again our marriage was over for now and if he ever becomes sober we would see where we are and if we wanted to work things out. I don't even know where I will be in my recovery if he ever becomes sober.
I was tearful after he left but not sobbing for hours I just feel so deflated and sad that my marriage is over. I'm scared that he will never seek sobriety and I will lose him for ever and I don't want to but I know that this has to be a choice he makes and he has to do it for him!!
I want to help him I'm the only person he talks to and I know I shouldn't be available to support him unless he's seeking sobriety but I'm scared that if I don't support him he won't come through this and he will continue to spiral. Feeling very confused about everything but I've accepted although very sadly that my marriage is over.
Sorry for the lengthy post and thanks for reading