Thank you everyone who replied
I think your right ladyscribbler in that this may be the closest I get to understanding where he is and our conversation really helped me to understand. Hugs to you and what you have gone through!
It's hard though to step back and I know that only he can chose to get sober and seek help and I certainly can't force him into it. I have read other posts where the alcoholic chose sobriety as he didn't want to lose his family and I had hoped that would be the same for my H and maybe at some point it will be but not now.
Jarp I'm sorry that you are going through the same it is heart breaking and so difficult to understand and walk away from someone you love. Hugs
Eddiebuckle i hear what you are saying about my support may continue to prop him up I guess I'm scared what will happen to him if I walk away and I'm not here for him to talk to.
When I say my marriage is over for now At this time I know that if my AH became sober I would have him home I love him and miss him unlike so many others peoples experience my AH hasn't been violent or aggressive while drunk in about 12 years yes he binged and took off but when drink wasn't involved he was kind and loving he never had affairs. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me but his battle with addiction is too strong and although he has fought it for many many years he can't anymore and has given into his cravings. We both talked that he couldn't come home until he was sober as I will not go back to that way of life. He has said he is tired of fighting it. I think that as he is feeling so bad about himself he has just accepted this is who he is and that he can't change even though I know he can. But he has to want it
That said I am continuing in my recovery and if he ever becomes sober and wants to come home I don't know how I will feel or if I will want him home. I am feeling better than what I was when he first left and I know that the further along in my recovery the more good days I will have. I do still have the sense of emptiness and sadness I guess that will ease with time.
Hugs to you all