killerinstinct

LIZATOLA,

After much soul searching I realized where that awful feeling really came from.... I did not trust him and that was the bottom line, if I did, him not answering the phone wouldn't be an issue... Whether you don't trust, think he's unreliable, hate the deception I am unsure but for me my peace came when I realized it was all about a lack of trust.. and that's when I realized I probably wouldn't ever be able to stop that awful feeling because he was always lying to me.. sadly it drove me insane and our relationship ended as a result.

lizatola

I agree that is the basic problem here. He knows this, I know this. I have a feeling that it will end our relationship, as well. Actually, it's pretty much over anyway, it's just a matter of logistics and me getting things squared away with some financial stuff (paying off some credit cards, etc). I don't trust him, period. And, I'm not sure I ever will and that's no way to have a marriage.

BlueSkies1

I think you're also dealing with the power of imagination. Imagination isn't facts, as you well know.
So imagine both of these scenarios when it overcomes you, this worry....
1) Maybe he's dead. OMG....! No...!
2) He's laying in bed with another alcoholic, a woman, and they're having wild sex and that is why he isn't answering the phone.
Now the worry about him being dead turns to wishing he were dead in a way...

And then there's the truth...which is probably neither of these extremes.
So. Imagination gone wild. Ok, done, check it off your list.

Wait. Those two imaginative scenarios both made me feel badly about MYSELF...
ok, 3rd scenario to imagine...
He's being a good boy doing AA homework, really into it, and trying to think up ways to please his wife when he gets home...
We can dream, right?

Imagination as a source of anxiety...bizarre, isn't it...anxiety over something that doesn't exist, or hasn't happened, anxiety over an UNTRUTH, for lack of a better word.
I suffer from imagination too. So to rein in my imagination, I continue it, take it further, make it even crazier, until I laugh at myself.
Like: 4th scenario:
He's not answering the phone because he's busy playing the accordion with a pack of monkeys at a karaoke bar that only serves non-alcoholic fruity drinks, and they are cheering him on to dance a jig...

Back to what we do know, and what we can control, and what we are sure is our reality.

HopefulinFLA

Brilliant Blueskies! I will use this strategy for sure.

lizatola

Well, a quick update from last night. I got a call from a woman this AM, from AH's phone. Apparently he left it in their car service after they picked him up at the strip club late last night. He was flying home this AM and left without his phone.

I have no idea if this woman was actually with the car service but she was willing to ship the phone to us so I took down her name and number. AH came home and tells me that he left it at the hotel and will call them with one of our phones and I said, "No worries. Here's the contact number. I spoke to this lovely woman who has your phone and is willing to ship it to you later today." I handed him the sheet of paper and I left it at that.

Then, my ds says, "Wait. You lost your phone? What the heck were you doing?" AH says, "I met this guy and we went out and I didn't want to stay where we were, so I got a car service."

Now, if he were a normal person, I'd believe it. He's an alcoholic and I just don't believe anything he says, not that it matters. All I know is that a very nice woman in Albuquerque is willing to mail us the phone back and, hey bonus, AH isn't dead after all. And, she just saved us a few hundred dollars, right?

And, the alternative is: AH just might be telling the truth. Doesn't really matter anymore because there is no trust left, just like killerinstinct made mention of above.

MissFixit

Ummmm, whatever he was doing was probably not a great thing for a married man to be doing. You wrote yesterday that you were both pretty much done, right?

I would use it as a catalyst to get yourself out of there or get him out. No debate or details needed. Won't benefit you now, I know firsthand.

Hugs and god speed w the job.

killerinstinct

oh no honey.. how awful... how awful... you will get out of this, you will get over this and you will recover... it's not an easy road.., and anyone that says it is hasn't really gone through the process.. it's taken me almost two years and I am still having bad days ... but after the rain comes the sun sweetheart... You can
do this... we are all cheering you on.. and when the roles are reversed you will be surprised to see that his power over you was all smoke and mirrors and nothing more

dandylion

Actually, going to strip clubs is not all that unusual for businessmen who go out for the evenings together when traveling. Even men who don't do that on their own will often go to be a part of the social "team" when on the road. Kind of a locker room mentality that men in groups often display....yuck......

I do realize that your worry is the lying...more than the ladies....

dandylion

redatlanta

Yes I get it.

For me I would have to not call him while he was gone. I wouldn't call him. No how no way.

Congrats on the ghost writing Lizatola that is awesome!

airwick

[QUOTE=Florence;4692526]Honestly? I left him. I could not live under the same roof with him and not be absolutely crazy with worry. The isolation, lying, lying by omission, and refusal to communicate is part of the disease, Liz. He's protecting the boundaries of his addiction, whether or not he has a drink at his lips.

I think there is a fine line where detachment as a "practice" ceases to be a permanent solution and becomes its own codependency. It's living at and around the alcoholic, and arranging your mental health around the alcoholic that's so unacceptable for families. Perfection in detachment is the work of saints. Alas, we are but humans. That's just me.


Honestly, I left also and took my 12 year old with me

lizatola

I shouldn't have called him. Of course, if it hadn't been for my phone call, the car service wouldn't have seen my number as a recent number and wouldn't have known where to mail his phone, right? So, I guess it all works out in the end.

Thanks for the congrats. The job I'm working on now is helping a friend put together a few ebooks for her public speaking career. She is very well-connected so I'm hoping this may lead to other things that I can do from home to start providing for myself and for my son.

Florence

Sounds like the stars are lining up.

lizatola

Let's hope so! He went to another meeting yesterday. I am spending the day getting the bills organized, putting password lists together, and getting some financial ducks in a row. It's like I'm doing it automatically and like I just have a tugging inside of me going on that's pushing me to do SOMETHING. In the back of mind, I am thinking it's time to go.

Now, I just have to pray about whether this is God's will or my will. I figure if it's my will, then God will put some roadblocks out there to make it difficult or to show me a sign. Feeling very spent these past few days but also encouraged by the new job opportunity and the new special education school that will be helping my son with math stuff this summer and possibly next year. Despite the cost, I feel a huge weight lifted knowing that someone else can take over teaching him math right now. Life's passing me by and that's not a way to live.