lizatola

I hate it when fear takes over. My AH is traveling for work and that usually means a binge. He sounded OK last night when I talked to him but I've found that that doesn't usually mean he's sober.

Anyway, I needed to ask him a question this AM about his schedule for Thursday as I need his assistance but I can't get him on the phone. He shared his appointment list with me and I know he doesn't have anything scheduled this AM. He's not answering and then I realize that the fear sets in.

So, my question is: how do YOU handle your fears when you don't know where the alcoholic is, when you don't know anything really, but you know that they've been drinking? Honestly, I know the answer really: turn it over to God, to my Higher Power, and let it go. But, it's so much easier said than done!

ladyscribbler

My anxiety disappeared when I stopped counting on an active alcoholic for assistance with anything. For me that was always just a recipe for disappointment and resentment. Maybe find someone else to assist you on Thursday.

hopeful4

O how I remember this. That thud in your gut when you cannot get ahold of them. One thing I did learn was that I had to stop my mind from running away with me every single time. I automatically assumed the most horrible situations each time. To be fair, most of them were not what I imagined. Were they sometimes, sure. Were they the other times, nope.

I learned there is no point in worrying myself to death, that no matter what happened I would handle it. I still feel that way even though we are divorcing. We still have kids together and I still have fears.

Also, distraction. When I had fears I set myself into being busy, and it's a sort of busy that occupies my mind. Throw myself into work. Go out with a friend and do something. Talk to a support person.

You are not there. It cannot hurt you and can only affect you if you let it.

Big Hugs.

lizatola

That's not really possible as my son needs a ride to an obscure tennis club and no one lives on our side of town who will be there. Honestly, my fear is about whether my AH is dead or alive, not really about Thursday. I sometimes let my thoughts go to, 'how do I tell my son that his dad is dead?' and that is where I start floundering in my fear. I don't count on my AH for much of anything anymore as it is. This is just about crazy fear and useless worry and why on earth do I let it get this bad for me??

hopeful4

Only therapy helped me with those types of fears. I usto replay in my head all the time the death and/or jail conversations with my kids. I just knew if I filed for divorce he would commit suicide. Come to find out....no so much, thank God. He is doing ok, I had just let my fears run away.

Therapy helped me see no matter what choices he made or makes, they are his and are completely separate from me. The three C's apply every single time don't they?

((lizatola))

Katchie

Jounaling, deep breathing, prayer/meditation, healing codes/positive affirmations to self, alanon meetings, SR, and a couple of good girlfriends...this has saved my sanity when fear and insecurity raise their ugly heads.

fedup3

[QUOTE Honestly, I know the answer really: turn it over to God, to my Higher Power, and let it go. But, it's so much easier said than done![/QUOTE]

This was the only way I could have peace in my life was handing him over into God's hands. Liz you can worry until your hair turns gray and it want make one bit of difference to what you spouse does with drinking. That special word, that magic pill, the new cure, none will work until he surrenders. Not only them but us as well.

ladyscribbler

When I find my thoughts going on a future trip, I stop it in its tracks and say, that's up to God. I am not God. Or say the serenity prayer. I may have to do this more than once. Being mindful and taking conscious action is what works for me.
My son was at his dad's bedside when he died. No amount of other people's worry and fear made that experience easier on him. Your fears are really centered on how YOU will react to an imaginary situation. Pull yourself out of the imaginary future. Let go and let God.

lizatola

Thanks everyone. I know all the things to say, I called a program friend, etc. I cleaned out the fridge today, organized my makeup drawer, cleaned out the freezer just to kill some time and I went to Costco. I will be getting a pedicure this afternoon after dropping my son off to the community pool so he can hang out with friends.

I have journaled, read my daily reader, etc. I was just looking for some support and ESH today, knowing that so many of you have been there, done that, and some are still doing it. Thank you all for the support and love.

fedup3

I'm glad you are going to pamper yourself with a pedicure, pick a color that makes you smile.

LifeRecovery

Liz

For me the fear kicks in when I am already ten steps ahead of myself.

Once I am on that crazy train it is hard for me to step off. With practice and patience I am finding how much easier it is when I try not to step on. I am far from perfect at it, but it has gotten easier. I do best when I am proactive, not reactive....then I don't slide down into the fear.

In this case, for me calling and trying to make plans when he was away = set up because you know he might be drinking. I would be spiralling as a result.

Is there a way you could have stepped back earlier in the process so you could have been proactive instead of reactive?

Florence

Honestly? I left him. I could not live under the same roof with him and not be absolutely crazy with worry. The isolation, lying, lying by omission, and refusal to communicate is part of the disease, Liz. He's protecting the boundaries of his addiction, whether or not he has a drink at his lips.

I think there is a fine line where detachment as a "practice" ceases to be a permanent solution and becomes its own codependency. It's living at and around the alcoholic, and arranging your mental health around the alcoholic that's so unacceptable for families. Perfection in detachment is the work of saints. Alas, we are but humans. That's just me.

Do something nice for yourself. Do MANY NICE THINGS for yourself. And let yourself off the hook. You're living with someone who is -- best case scenario -- a dry drunk narcissist. If it turns out he's a binge drinking narcissist, what's the difference really?

lizatola

Not in this case. I was just asked this AM to share at a Thursday meeting so I wanted to see if AH could handle driving ds to tennis. Since he still has the interlock on the car, I don't worry about him driving ds around and I really wanted to get back to her ASAP so that she could find a back up in case I couldn't do it. This isn't my home meeting because I don't commit to meetings where I know there's always a chance that I can't depend on AH to help out, so my home meeting is on Friday nights, when AH won't be traveling for work, and I try to fill my week with at least 1-2 other meetings when I can.

In most cases, I am usually ahead of the game. I stopped relying on AH to help many years ago, even before the drinking started.

Thank you, Florence, as always for your input! I would love more clarity on how you see detachment as becoming it's own codependency. I think that thought has a lot of merit here and I 'think' I understand but would love a discussion on it, too!

Florence

Ha! I don't really know. It's just a hunch. To me, ending the cycle of addiction and codependency was me saying, "This [situation/behavior] is not acceptable." There was one point where I took a good hard look at myself and realized that my choice to stick with him any further would be literally crazy. I couldn't keep kicking this dead horse expecting it to get up. I had to do something else, and unfortunately, I didn't want STBXAH on my team anymore. He was not a team player. Is your A a team player? Decidedly not!

Somebody said something to me the other day that really lightened this up and gave me a lot of clarity. We were talking about life in general and relationships, and he said, "All we're really doing here is picking our team. Who do you want go through life with? Who can you count on?"

Like this anecdote about you and your A, there are so many things wrong here, big and small. You can't count on him, you can't count on him to communicate with you or tell the truth, you can't count on him to be okay to watch your son unless the court is involved, and this situation provokes real anxiety in you. Where is he? Is he dead? Is he ignoring you? Is he on some crazy binge? That's not okay! It's just not okay.

To me, you can practice detachment all the day long, but it doesn't relieve you from the hard fact that you're in a relationship where unacceptable behavior is commonplace.

I just really question -- based on your many anecdotes and your very valiant attempts to change yourself and improve your marriage -- whether keeping your probably-active A on your team is the best thing for Team Lizatola, and whether trying to keep your dysfunctional team together is it's own denial, but I'm just some lady on the internet.

HopefulinFLA

Eeesh! I know this feeling all too well. I used to be physically I'll over it.
Sometimes I have multiple conversations with my HP about turning this problem over, sometimes I recite the 3 Cs over and over. Calling a good friend to discuss her life is always a good distraction, but I never really started to overcome my anxiety until I started to set myself up for no longer being dependent on him to cover the bills. Now I know that if he never comes home I will be just fine! Oh, I would be upset for sure, but I would be okay.

Such a sad sad disease.

lizatola

Well, you may be some lady on the internet but you've got wonderful ESH to share with others.

Since I started this thread I figured I'd let you all know that I'm currently exploring some career options that I can do from home. I signed up for a ghost writing website where you get paid to write blog posts for companies who need an article, etc. I am meeting with a friend tomorrow who wants to write an ebook in kindle format and she wants me to take on the project for her. She is a realtor and does a talk radio show once a week and she wants to convert it all to an ebook for her employees and customers. She would pay me and I'd be able to have that with her LLC name on it, as a consultant job on my resume. She's also going to help me with my budget and in finding a rental home when the time comes.

Honestly, I don't think I'm trying to keep the marriage together anymore. I know I'm staying for financial reasons right now, I know that his attempts at recovery have been shallow, but I also know that I can't make it on my own right now and I'll need some income of my own.

Time is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. And, that comes with a few other fears I have to face. I'm slowly getting there, though, and most days I feel pretty good. Today is not one of those days and that's OK, too.

LifeRecovery

I agree so much about detachment as it own form of co-dependency.

Liz instead of being upset that you could not reach him....after you could not on one occasion was it okay to say no to the Thursday meeting.

Is it okay to say no to the Thursday meeting from the begining?

Florence

Those are all great steps, Liz. Keep moving at whatever pace works for you. ODAT.

ShootingStar1

Liz, I think the question was much simpler than you made it. It was "can YOU" do XYZ on such and such a day.

The answer is "no". You already had a commitment.

It is not detachment to think that, in order to answer that question, you have to track your AH down, verify his schedule, get him to answer the phone, then get him to give you an answer or not, or get his answer and wonder if he will actually do what he said he would do, or wonder if his voice sounds like he is drinking and may not remember what he said, or any of the many permutations of the above.

I don't understand what you are getting, under the surface, from this relationship. There is something compelling that pulls you into involving him in your thought processes and your activities.

It's almost as if instead of being co-dependent and trying to get loose from that, you are doing a similar struggle with being detached, and staying equally attached in the process.

You have a couple more years until your son is off and flying his wings solo into adulthood. From my experience raising 5 teenagers, now is when he needs to be learning to use his own resources more and more with less and less supervision and more and more trust that he can handle it, and, if he has a problem, he can handle that, too. Now is a good time to start imagining what you want to fill that void when your son goes forward with his own life. Life will reach out toward you when you do.

For me, having left a marriage at age 62, I wish very much I had done it a decade sooner. Starting life over at 62 is way harder than at 52, or 42.

Imagine yourself without your son or your husband. What would your life look like? What do you want it to look like? Just you.

If we fiddle while Rome burns, eventually all we have is a burnt fiddle.

Time is moving on, and I care about you, and it seems that you are circulating in the same circle of reasoning now since we first met here 2 years ago. I hope I've not been too blunt. Said with concern and a hug, take what you want, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

lizatola

You know I love you! One of the reasons that I'm putting irons in the fire about job stuff is so that I can prepare for life without either one of them. I get that.

As for my son, he has shown me recently how much he has matured in the past few months. Last week he tried to make a frozen pizza but the topping slid off and landed on the bottom of the oven. Basically, he made a mess and nearly had a fire in the oven. He was able to handle it. He turned off the oven, set up fans in the kitchen and turned on the fan above the microwave, he made himself something else for lunch, and then cleaned up the oven when everything cooled. To top it off, he even did the dishes. I came home and smelled burnt cheese but a lovely clean kitchen, LOL!

Then, a few days later he had an incident with some friends (we were visiting them across town) where they basically ditched him at a restaurant and went somewhere else while he was eating and then when he called them, they told him that they weren't there and were heading back to this friend's house. He was in another city, 50 miles from our home and I was out with one of these boy's moms completely oblivious. When the moms returned back to their house, I saw my son sitting on their couch looking visibly upset. Long story short, he managed to find his way back to their house, crossed VERY busy streets alone and with a broken scooter, LOL, and was VERY upset with his friends for ditching him. He spoke to his friends, told them how he felt, and things were pretty much settled by the time we left. I was really proud of him for thinking through his problem, finding his way (having only been there twice before with me driving), and for making peace with his friends. It gave us a chance to talk about how he would handle things in the future if these friends do something like that again and we talked about boundaries.

Anyway, he's showing me that he can make decisions for himself, that he can problem solve on his own, and that he is growing up and can be trusted with more and more. So much to be grateful for today.

FYI: I love the way you explained things in the beginning of your response! Yes, true, I did have a commitment and did tell my friend that was the case. So, yeah, I went all codie on her and said, "Let me see if my AH is going to be back in time to take my son to tennis and I'll let you know if I can help you out." You're right, my response should have just been NO and I shouldn't have even considered including my AH in any of it.