Girlfriend entering rehab Wednesday, maybe pregnant
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello NotPoet, Welcome!
Well, as you can see, you will receive a variety of opinions and related experience here. I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling right now and hope that she will take this opportunity she is being offered.
One thing that I learned, and that came as quite a relief to me, is that I do not have to have all the answers and solve all the problems right now! This minute!
I also read and learned all I could about alcoholism when I first found SR. That helped a lot.
Take good care!
Well, as you can see, you will receive a variety of opinions and related experience here. I'm sorry that your girlfriend is struggling right now and hope that she will take this opportunity she is being offered.
One thing that I learned, and that came as quite a relief to me, is that I do not have to have all the answers and solve all the problems right now! This minute!
I also read and learned all I could about alcoholism when I first found SR. That helped a lot.
Take good care!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
NotPoet I have to thank you for posting this. I see myself in your story and I can see my own growth. I agree with the posters who suggest learning about addiction. You mention that you grew up with addiction. It was eye opening for me to explore how the dysfunction in my family contributed to my choices in my adult relationships.
What if the only way to "save" your gf is to let her go? So many times the things that work in dealing with the disease of addiction are the very opposite of what you feel you should do.
Keep posting and good luck.
What if the only way to "save" your gf is to let her go? So many times the things that work in dealing with the disease of addiction are the very opposite of what you feel you should do.
Keep posting and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Originally Posted by NotPoet View Post
I want her to choose to fix herself.
Dialogue from the movie The Break-up:
Brooke: Well, I'm gonna go do the dishes.
Gary: Cool.
B: It'd be nice if you helped me.
B: And I worked today. It would be nice if you said thank you and helped me with the dishes.
G: Fine. I'll help you do the damn dishes. Oh, come on. You know what?
B: No. See? That's not what I want.
G: You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.
B: I want you to want to do the dishes.
G: Why would I want to do dishes?
B: Why? See, that's my whole point.
G: Let me see if I'm following this, okay? Are you telling me that you're upset because I don't have a strong desire to clean dishes?
B: No. I'm upset because you don't have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.
G: I just did.
B: After I asked you!
G: Jesus, Brooke, you're acting crazy again.
B: Don't you call me crazy. I am not crazy.
I want her to choose to fix herself.
Dialogue from the movie The Break-up:
Brooke: Well, I'm gonna go do the dishes.
Gary: Cool.
B: It'd be nice if you helped me.
B: And I worked today. It would be nice if you said thank you and helped me with the dishes.
G: Fine. I'll help you do the damn dishes. Oh, come on. You know what?
B: No. See? That's not what I want.
G: You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes.
B: I want you to want to do the dishes.
G: Why would I want to do dishes?
B: Why? See, that's my whole point.
G: Let me see if I'm following this, okay? Are you telling me that you're upset because I don't have a strong desire to clean dishes?
B: No. I'm upset because you don't have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.
G: I just did.
B: After I asked you!
G: Jesus, Brooke, you're acting crazy again.
B: Don't you call me crazy. I am not crazy.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
At the risk of throwing something molotov into the cocktail here....poet, you must be aware of fetal alcohol syndrome. The irreparable damage done to a developing fetus is heartbreaking. And, horribly, it happens everyday.
You say you do not want to be on the sidelines for this child, but if she is pregnant, you are already on the sidelines and there is nothing you can do to fix this. Everyone is going to be on the sidelines and helpless to do anything as long as she drinks.
She doesn't sound the slightest bit ready to sober up.
She also doesn't sound anywhere near mentally stable enough to be a proper parent.
To me the question of whether she is pregnant or not is irrelevant, can she stay sober and bring the baby to term without drinking is the real question. Sadly, from the way you describe her, the answer sounds like a no.
You say you do not want to be on the sidelines for this child, but if she is pregnant, you are already on the sidelines and there is nothing you can do to fix this. Everyone is going to be on the sidelines and helpless to do anything as long as she drinks.
She doesn't sound the slightest bit ready to sober up.
She also doesn't sound anywhere near mentally stable enough to be a proper parent.
To me the question of whether she is pregnant or not is irrelevant, can she stay sober and bring the baby to term without drinking is the real question. Sadly, from the way you describe her, the answer sounds like a no.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Notpoet---I gently say to you that this is the bigger picture that your love hormones are not allowing you to see clearly: Everyone here is trying to PROTECT your welfare---because we can see that this woman is going to mop the kitchen floor with you (your heart).....and then kick you to the curb. Because she is very sick, right now.......
Believe me....we all DO know that this is not easy. We are coming from compassion and EXPERIENCE.
Best wishes for you, notpoet.
sincerely,
dandylion
Believe me....we all DO know that this is not easy. We are coming from compassion and EXPERIENCE.
Best wishes for you, notpoet.
sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by littlefish 
At the risk of throwing something molotov into the cocktail here....poet, you must be aware of fetal alcohol syndrome. The irreparable damage done to a developing fetus is heartbreaking. And, horribly, it happens everyday.
You say you do not want to be on the sidelines for this child, but if she is pregnant, you are already on the sidelines and there is nothing you can do to fix this. Everyone is going to be on the sidelines and helpless to do anything as long as she drinks.
She doesn't sound the slightest bit ready to sober up.
She also doesn't sound anywhere near mentally stable enough to be a proper parent.
To me the question of whether she is pregnant or not is irrelevant, can she stay sober and bring the baby to term without drinking is the real question. Sadly, from the way you describe her, the answer sounds like a no.
You say you do not want to be on the sidelines for this child, but if she is pregnant, you are already on the sidelines and there is nothing you can do to fix this. Everyone is going to be on the sidelines and helpless to do anything as long as she drinks.
She doesn't sound the slightest bit ready to sober up.
She also doesn't sound anywhere near mentally stable enough to be a proper parent.
To me the question of whether she is pregnant or not is irrelevant, can she stay sober and bring the baby to term without drinking is the real question. Sadly, from the way you describe her, the answer sounds like a no.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by NotPoet
Don't worry, I've spent pretty much every spare moment thinking about it. Like I said, it's not simple for me. I know it seems it should be that way, and perhaps it should, but it's not.
Her father is part of the problem and enables her behavior. That family is a wash to me.
Her father is part of the problem and enables her behavior. That family is a wash to me.
I could tell you horror stories about the inlaws and my AHD mother is a child guidance worker.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Attempting to justify remaining in this relationship because you are a good guy and can't leave her when the chips are down is just an excuse.
This IS about you. You are a savior.
Hammer listed every viable, truthful reason why you should run from this. There is nothing honorable in letting an alcoholic, philandering, liar wipe her sh1t covered boots on your head daily. You say "you know" but,,,,but,,,,but,,, you have known her since childhood. You saved your friend. You love her. Can't live with yourself if something happens to her.
Right now you are probably at her house - even though you expressed unhappiness that your time slot was moved to accommodate drinking buddy for a fun evening (who is more important than you if you have not figured that out). When suggested you go home you said "I don't think that's a good idea I mean I already agreed to go".
Woot! This is pancake status. Flip flop. Pissed she cancelled on you yet you won't cancel on her! You are good and honorable man!
Listen here, let's stop the 'I'm a good man and I have to prove it" stuff. Seriously. You don't have to prove that. There is nothing honorable in what you are doing, you don't see that. I am sure you treat her how you want to be treated - its not returned to you. Golden rule violation.
You honor yourself FIRST. Truth to yourself FIRST.
Your friend who got sober, he did that all by himself. I am not saying you weren't a good friend, I am saying this was timing. The time was right and the planets aligned and he chose sobriety.
Honor yourself first, you know this situation isn't right. Its nothing but trouble and heartache. You know it.
I pray this woman isn't pregnant - I don't think she is but we will see. Stick around and post often lots of good information and support here.
This IS about you. You are a savior.
Hammer listed every viable, truthful reason why you should run from this. There is nothing honorable in letting an alcoholic, philandering, liar wipe her sh1t covered boots on your head daily. You say "you know" but,,,,but,,,,but,,, you have known her since childhood. You saved your friend. You love her. Can't live with yourself if something happens to her.
Right now you are probably at her house - even though you expressed unhappiness that your time slot was moved to accommodate drinking buddy for a fun evening (who is more important than you if you have not figured that out). When suggested you go home you said "I don't think that's a good idea I mean I already agreed to go".
Woot! This is pancake status. Flip flop. Pissed she cancelled on you yet you won't cancel on her! You are good and honorable man!
Listen here, let's stop the 'I'm a good man and I have to prove it" stuff. Seriously. You don't have to prove that. There is nothing honorable in what you are doing, you don't see that. I am sure you treat her how you want to be treated - its not returned to you. Golden rule violation.
You honor yourself FIRST. Truth to yourself FIRST.
Your friend who got sober, he did that all by himself. I am not saying you weren't a good friend, I am saying this was timing. The time was right and the planets aligned and he chose sobriety.
Honor yourself first, you know this situation isn't right. Its nothing but trouble and heartache. You know it.
I pray this woman isn't pregnant - I don't think she is but we will see. Stick around and post often lots of good information and support here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good evening everyone,
If there is something about this thread and topic that is triggering to you, please step away from the keyboard for a while. As a reminder to everyone, the opening verbiage for this forum includes the following:
Please Read! Members who violate our "No Flaming Rule 4" may be warned, suspended, subjected to post moderation or have his/her membership permanently revoked, depending on the severity of the violation(s). Respect is essential. (Support and experience only please.) Recovery Method Debates will not be tolerated.
If there is something about this thread and topic that is triggering to you, please step away from the keyboard for a while. As a reminder to everyone, the opening verbiage for this forum includes the following:
Please Read! Members who violate our "No Flaming Rule 4" may be warned, suspended, subjected to post moderation or have his/her membership permanently revoked, depending on the severity of the violation(s). Respect is essential. (Support and experience only please.) Recovery Method Debates will not be tolerated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Suki, I strongly second that.
"I pray that she is not pregnant because if she is, you are going to be in a world of hurt for at least the next 18 years. "
If not for your own sake, Notpoet, then for the sake of any future children you may have, DON'T GET HER PREGNANT. Your kids won't thank you for giving them an alcoholic, probably BPD parent.
"I pray that she is not pregnant because if she is, you are going to be in a world of hurt for at least the next 18 years. "
If not for your own sake, Notpoet, then for the sake of any future children you may have, DON'T GET HER PREGNANT. Your kids won't thank you for giving them an alcoholic, probably BPD parent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
First rule of relationships: you have the right to leave a relationship at any time for any reason. The reason can be as simple as "this is not working for me."
That's the nice thing about dating. Dating is your testing ground for compatibility. If your partner can't be with you without lying to you and hurting you, you aren't compatible.
You don't have to wade into or through a mud hole to earn the right to leave. You can just leave.
That's the nice thing about dating. Dating is your testing ground for compatibility. If your partner can't be with you without lying to you and hurting you, you aren't compatible.
You don't have to wade into or through a mud hole to earn the right to leave. You can just leave.
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