Girlfriend entering rehab Wednesday, maybe pregnant
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Girlfriend entering rehab Wednesday, maybe pregnant
Well, this is not a clean situation, as most of these situations are not.
I love this girl intensely. We've been together about 5 months now. Up until a couple of months ago, I had no reservations thinking she was 'the one'.
She had an...interesting history, but we all do in our own way, and I was willing to deal with that as we went along.
Short of the long, around Christmas I started realizing there was a serious problem with her alcohol use, she lied about being divorced, went away to 'finalize' the divorce, came back claiming she loved the guy still [who she previously said had beat her, done blow in front of her child and was a raging alcoholic himself, then recanted all that]. She has since has decided to go forward with the divorce, disappeared on a month long bender that included a lot of reckless behavior that led to her having to get a root canal, having bruises the size of footballs ALL OVER her legs, and a very brokenhearted, confused man.
Earlier this week she started showing signs of pregnancy and we're still waiting for confirmation. It's looking likely, though. She apparently stopped taking her birth control or missed several days sometime during that month and she failed to mention it. I should have been smarter, but it is what it is. I have no reservations about being a father. My reservations lie with her, now, obviously.
I love her deeply, and she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal. They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
She's drank at least once, which was very, very obvious. We talked about it and she admitted it openly, but she's stuck to her "I only slipped up once this whole month" story. I'm confident she's drank multiple times in the past few weeks since we've began talking again. She's got a 'good friend' [enabling drinking buddy who is part of the problem] and a family that, while they mean well, are also part of the problem.
I've gone out of my way to not enable her behavior, but sometimes I just don't know what the right moves are. Sometimes I don't even know what to say to her. I try to be supportive and non-confrontational, but I've sought out advice from local al-anon members and attended some meetings too. I have loved ones and friends who have dealt with addiction so it's not unfamiliar territory entirely -- but being madly in love with someone is a different story from even a close friend or family member.
I guess I just needed a place to vent my concerns. Any time I try to discuss her behavior with her and all the chaos she wrought in her month long bender, it ends in her going off the deep end and freaking out on me. She's become a little more rational but it's still tenuous at best. She says she wants to be with me and loves me, and I believe it, but she's so quick to push away whenever her behavior becomes a topic. I don't bring it up, she does. She tries to start arguments about it, which I know to be stereotypical alcoholic behavior due to past experiences.
I love her. I'm feeling more balanced personally about it, but I still have fear and concern. I'm a man of faith and that has helped. But it's still hard.
Anyway, I just needed to reach out to people who have experience with this, whether it be addicts themselves or loved ones of addicts.
I'm afraid she'll go to rehab and come back deciding we're done. I'm afraid she'll go to rehab and come back and go right into her addictive behavior.
It's a crippling feeling, fear.
I love this girl intensely. We've been together about 5 months now. Up until a couple of months ago, I had no reservations thinking she was 'the one'.
She had an...interesting history, but we all do in our own way, and I was willing to deal with that as we went along.
Short of the long, around Christmas I started realizing there was a serious problem with her alcohol use, she lied about being divorced, went away to 'finalize' the divorce, came back claiming she loved the guy still [who she previously said had beat her, done blow in front of her child and was a raging alcoholic himself, then recanted all that]. She has since has decided to go forward with the divorce, disappeared on a month long bender that included a lot of reckless behavior that led to her having to get a root canal, having bruises the size of footballs ALL OVER her legs, and a very brokenhearted, confused man.
Earlier this week she started showing signs of pregnancy and we're still waiting for confirmation. It's looking likely, though. She apparently stopped taking her birth control or missed several days sometime during that month and she failed to mention it. I should have been smarter, but it is what it is. I have no reservations about being a father. My reservations lie with her, now, obviously.
I love her deeply, and she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal. They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
She's drank at least once, which was very, very obvious. We talked about it and she admitted it openly, but she's stuck to her "I only slipped up once this whole month" story. I'm confident she's drank multiple times in the past few weeks since we've began talking again. She's got a 'good friend' [enabling drinking buddy who is part of the problem] and a family that, while they mean well, are also part of the problem.
I've gone out of my way to not enable her behavior, but sometimes I just don't know what the right moves are. Sometimes I don't even know what to say to her. I try to be supportive and non-confrontational, but I've sought out advice from local al-anon members and attended some meetings too. I have loved ones and friends who have dealt with addiction so it's not unfamiliar territory entirely -- but being madly in love with someone is a different story from even a close friend or family member.
I guess I just needed a place to vent my concerns. Any time I try to discuss her behavior with her and all the chaos she wrought in her month long bender, it ends in her going off the deep end and freaking out on me. She's become a little more rational but it's still tenuous at best. She says she wants to be with me and loves me, and I believe it, but she's so quick to push away whenever her behavior becomes a topic. I don't bring it up, she does. She tries to start arguments about it, which I know to be stereotypical alcoholic behavior due to past experiences.
I love her. I'm feeling more balanced personally about it, but I still have fear and concern. I'm a man of faith and that has helped. But it's still hard.
Anyway, I just needed to reach out to people who have experience with this, whether it be addicts themselves or loved ones of addicts.
I'm afraid she'll go to rehab and come back deciding we're done. I'm afraid she'll go to rehab and come back and go right into her addictive behavior.
It's a crippling feeling, fear.
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Presumably I am.
I have reservations about that. She swears up and down it couldn't be anyone but me.
I believe that due to circumstances, but obviously I have some reservations about that too.
We've done several tests but they all come back negative. She didn't show up on a test with her first child until she was 3-4 weeks, as her hCG levels were still very low. But all of the other signs are there. Her period is supposed to come tomorrow, which I suppose will be the acid test.
I have reservations about that. She swears up and down it couldn't be anyone but me.
I believe that due to circumstances, but obviously I have some reservations about that too.
We've done several tests but they all come back negative. She didn't show up on a test with her first child until she was 3-4 weeks, as her hCG levels were still very low. But all of the other signs are there. Her period is supposed to come tomorrow, which I suppose will be the acid test.
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We've been together about 5 months now
that is such a short amount of time and look at what you have learned about her, first hand.....
Short of the long, around Christmas I started realizing there was a serious problem with her alcohol use, she lied about being divorced, went away to 'finalize' the divorce, came back claiming she loved the guy still [who she previously said had beat her, done blow in front of her child and was a raging alcoholic himself, then recanted all that]. She has since has decided to go forward with the divorce, disappeared on a month long bender that included a lot of reckless behavior that led to her having to get a root canal, having bruises the size of footballs ALL OVER her legs, and a very brokenhearted, confused man.
early on, SERIOUS problem with alcohol.
LIED about being divorced.
left YOU to go back to husband and claimed she LOVED him.
then went on a MONTH LONG bender, including lots of reckless behavior and came back just a mess.
secretly stopped taking birth control.
NOW thinks she might be pregnant.
is supposedly going to rehab.
continues to drink.
what IS it exactly about this type of behavior you find appealing? of the ALMOST five months you've known her, she was MIA for a month. you mention she has a child, where IS this child? now after multiple negative pregnancy tests she insists she is pregnant. you don't see that as a hook? a trap?
that is such a short amount of time and look at what you have learned about her, first hand.....
Short of the long, around Christmas I started realizing there was a serious problem with her alcohol use, she lied about being divorced, went away to 'finalize' the divorce, came back claiming she loved the guy still [who she previously said had beat her, done blow in front of her child and was a raging alcoholic himself, then recanted all that]. She has since has decided to go forward with the divorce, disappeared on a month long bender that included a lot of reckless behavior that led to her having to get a root canal, having bruises the size of footballs ALL OVER her legs, and a very brokenhearted, confused man.
early on, SERIOUS problem with alcohol.
LIED about being divorced.
left YOU to go back to husband and claimed she LOVED him.
then went on a MONTH LONG bender, including lots of reckless behavior and came back just a mess.
secretly stopped taking birth control.
NOW thinks she might be pregnant.
is supposedly going to rehab.
continues to drink.
what IS it exactly about this type of behavior you find appealing? of the ALMOST five months you've known her, she was MIA for a month. you mention she has a child, where IS this child? now after multiple negative pregnancy tests she insists she is pregnant. you don't see that as a hook? a trap?
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I'm not a stupid man, and the thought is obviously present. It doesn't change my feelings, though.
I grew up around her. We know each other. She wasn't always this way. I do have some hope, and if that makes me a damn fool, then fair enough.
Like I said, it would still be early for pregnancy tests to show up positive, but we'll know soon enough, one way or another.
Yes, she's a mess. That's why I came here. I said I don't know what the right moves are, and I don't.
If I am going to be a father, that complicates matters further.
Her child is with her and her family, where she is currently staying. Her family has money and her father is in the medical field. This situation has a lot of twists and turns. I don't want to say too much for privacy reasons, but I'm just trying to figure out what the right things to do are. Right now, her getting help is top of that list. I understand a meaningful relationship with her is off the cards until she gets the help she needs. And I understand she has to choose that.
This is not simple for me. I'm looking for guidance. That's why I came here.
I grew up around her. We know each other. She wasn't always this way. I do have some hope, and if that makes me a damn fool, then fair enough.
Like I said, it would still be early for pregnancy tests to show up positive, but we'll know soon enough, one way or another.
Yes, she's a mess. That's why I came here. I said I don't know what the right moves are, and I don't.
If I am going to be a father, that complicates matters further.
Her child is with her and her family, where she is currently staying. Her family has money and her father is in the medical field. This situation has a lot of twists and turns. I don't want to say too much for privacy reasons, but I'm just trying to figure out what the right things to do are. Right now, her getting help is top of that list. I understand a meaningful relationship with her is off the cards until she gets the help she needs. And I understand she has to choose that.
This is not simple for me. I'm looking for guidance. That's why I came here.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You may not yet understand that this profile is a good ways outside of just Alcohol and Addiction?
Maybe start some reading here?
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
Don't worry, we will walk you through this.
You are doing ok -- for what you are dealing with.
Doing Alanon, yet?
Maybe start some reading here?
Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners
Don't worry, we will walk you through this.
You are doing ok -- for what you are dealing with.
Doing Alanon, yet?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Hammer 
You may not yet understand that this profile is a good ways outside of just Alcohol and Addiction?
I started to guess it might be a borderline disorder a little bit ago, and that this might be a borderline disordered coupled with alcoholism.
Just a good ole fun time I've walked into, right?
Sigh.
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Notpoet, right now you're probably thinking what a bunch of cold hearted people are on this site, but you would be wrong. We care about what you are going through, because anyone of us could put our loved ones name in place of yours and so many of the actions of the A are the same. Just re-read what you first wrote above as though someone else wrote it.
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Originally Posted by fedup3
Notpoet, right now you're probably thinking what a bunch of cold hearted people are on this site, but you would be wrong. We care about what you are going through, because anyone of us could put our loved ones name in place of yours and so many of the actions of the A are the same. Just re-read what you first wrote above as though someone else wrote it.
I understand a lot of the responses I get won't be pleasant reading. Like I said, I've seen these kinds of things happen before.
But it is what it is -- I'm mad about her. I knew her all throughout my childhood and this behavior only began to manifest recently.
I'm worried for her. I love her. I care for her. I fell in love with her son.
Now everything is a shambles and I'm just trying to pick up the pieces she's left.
Part of what's so hard about all of this is that I know what rational and reasonable people would do, but nothing about this is rational or reasonable.
Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll gladly tell you I'm a man who functions on a general principal of rationality.
But this is just beyond me sometimes.
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Welcome NotPoet!
I'm sorry for the situation that you find yourself in, but 5 months is such a short span of time in the grand scheme of things. Since your girlfriend is currently with her child and her family (in an effort of hopefully become sober for her child and HUSBAND's sake) I'd say this is probably a good time for you to focus on yourself and why you feel yourself attracted to someone who is so unhealthy and unstable and unavailable.
In regards to the pregnancy, I would stop thinking about it until there is PROOF that she is in fact pregnant and proof that it is yours. Disappearing for a month on a bender leaves lots of questions as to who the father of that baby could be, IF she's even pregnant. Why do you feel like you want to be with someone who just disappears from you and probably/possibly cheats on you?
I'm sorry for the situation that you find yourself in, but 5 months is such a short span of time in the grand scheme of things. Since your girlfriend is currently with her child and her family (in an effort of hopefully become sober for her child and HUSBAND's sake) I'd say this is probably a good time for you to focus on yourself and why you feel yourself attracted to someone who is so unhealthy and unstable and unavailable.
In regards to the pregnancy, I would stop thinking about it until there is PROOF that she is in fact pregnant and proof that it is yours. Disappearing for a month on a bender leaves lots of questions as to who the father of that baby could be, IF she's even pregnant. Why do you feel like you want to be with someone who just disappears from you and probably/possibly cheats on you?
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Perfectly valid questions, all.
I don't have answers to all of them.
In short, I love her. I've known her all my life just about. She wasn't always this way. I know the woman she was and can be, but I don't know why she's suddenly gone this route.
The trouble right now is discerning what behavior originates from what. There are so many twists and turns, each of which makes making a positive judgment call on my part seems implausible at best.
Having a rational discussion with her is impossible at the moment, and I don't know if it ever will be.
To answer your question, I have a lot of hope. I see some positive signs, but I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I don't think I am at all.
Everything is just so uncertain.
How do you look at someone who you were discussing long term plans with not two months ago and suddenly say, "Sorry, you're a crazy alcoholic, peace!"
I don't know what the right thing to do is. If she gets help, could things be better? Would they be?
I know to a lot, if not everyone, it seems like I should turn tail and run away screaming, hoping I've dodged a bullet.
But I honestly don't know what the right decision is. To support her and see what happens in the long run or to simply run.
I love her. And that's not something I do or take lightly.
I don't have answers to all of them.
In short, I love her. I've known her all my life just about. She wasn't always this way. I know the woman she was and can be, but I don't know why she's suddenly gone this route.
The trouble right now is discerning what behavior originates from what. There are so many twists and turns, each of which makes making a positive judgment call on my part seems implausible at best.
Having a rational discussion with her is impossible at the moment, and I don't know if it ever will be.
To answer your question, I have a lot of hope. I see some positive signs, but I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I don't think I am at all.
Everything is just so uncertain.
How do you look at someone who you were discussing long term plans with not two months ago and suddenly say, "Sorry, you're a crazy alcoholic, peace!"
I don't know what the right thing to do is. If she gets help, could things be better? Would they be?
I know to a lot, if not everyone, it seems like I should turn tail and run away screaming, hoping I've dodged a bullet.
But I honestly don't know what the right decision is. To support her and see what happens in the long run or to simply run.
I love her. And that's not something I do or take lightly.
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Nobody said you were stupid, but if that is what YOUR gut is telling you, time to listen.
I hope you do stick around here and learn as much as you can about addiction and more so about what addicts do.
If she is diagnosed with another type of mental health disorder then learn as much as you can about that as well.
Just because you have known of her By growing up around her doesn't mean you know her. And what you do know of her is that she lied to you about her divorce. My gut feeling is telling me she also lied to you about being pregnant.
In the beginning we write it all off because of the addiction. We stick by them because we want to help them get better, fix them to have a "normal" relationship with them.
Hope and dreams go hand n hand kind of fantasy like, you save her from herself become her hero and walk off into the sunset together.
The reality is, you fell fast and hard for an alcoholic and you have no idea who she really is sober. And I'm sure she doesn't either.
It's always good to have hope but hope is not a plan.
I hope you do stick around here and learn as much as you can about addiction and more so about what addicts do.
If she is diagnosed with another type of mental health disorder then learn as much as you can about that as well.
Just because you have known of her By growing up around her doesn't mean you know her. And what you do know of her is that she lied to you about her divorce. My gut feeling is telling me she also lied to you about being pregnant.
In the beginning we write it all off because of the addiction. We stick by them because we want to help them get better, fix them to have a "normal" relationship with them.
Hope and dreams go hand n hand kind of fantasy like, you save her from herself become her hero and walk off into the sunset together.
The reality is, you fell fast and hard for an alcoholic and you have no idea who she really is sober. And I'm sure she doesn't either.
It's always good to have hope but hope is not a plan.
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I feel pretty stupid sometimes.
My heart hurts, but I care about her well-being. If nothing else, I would want to be around to support her and try to have her heal. If she left tomorrow, I would still want that.
I'm trying to not be selfish, but I am also trying to take care of myself. It's a hard balance to strike.
My gut tells me I'm doing the right thing, however ridiculous it seems sometimes.
It's something I've spent an abundance of prayer and thought on. I'm a deliberate man. I don't act out of impulse.
I just want to do the right thing, you know?
My heart hurts, but I care about her well-being. If nothing else, I would want to be around to support her and try to have her heal. If she left tomorrow, I would still want that.
I'm trying to not be selfish, but I am also trying to take care of myself. It's a hard balance to strike.
My gut tells me I'm doing the right thing, however ridiculous it seems sometimes.
It's something I've spent an abundance of prayer and thought on. I'm a deliberate man. I don't act out of impulse.
I just want to do the right thing, you know?
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How do you look at someone who you were discussing long term plans with not two months ago and suddenly say, "Sorry, you're a crazy alcoholic, peace!"
On this side of the boards, we're concerned about YOU and YOUR health and well being.
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I understand whatever road I choose will not be a simple one.
I'm feeling so worn. I've been through a lot in my life, so adversity isn't something I run from.
I don't want to stay out of simple stubbornness, which I don't think I am. People I care deeply for and care for me and know me best don't think I am. They know how much I care for this woman. They know her and me quite well and they know I'm trying hard to figure this out.
They've made it clear that when the other boot drops though, they're in my corner and here to support me, which means the world.
But it doesn't make the thought of losing her any less. It makes it worse.
I do feel like a damn fool.
I'm feeling so worn. I've been through a lot in my life, so adversity isn't something I run from.
I don't want to stay out of simple stubbornness, which I don't think I am. People I care deeply for and care for me and know me best don't think I am. They know how much I care for this woman. They know her and me quite well and they know I'm trying hard to figure this out.
They've made it clear that when the other boot drops though, they're in my corner and here to support me, which means the world.
But it doesn't make the thought of losing her any less. It makes it worse.
I do feel like a damn fool.
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This may sound harsh, but i'd say run and don't look back. It will hurt, it will suck but you will heal and your life won't be tied to someone who may never get better and just continually cause you pain. I rode this roller coaster for almost two years and I wish i'd have left sooner than I did, but I stayed because I cared too. And unless you have a head and heart made out of titanium, it'll drag you down, and even then probably. Good luck!
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