Mellybug

After a very rapid downward spiral that I'll never understand - life had improved DRASTICALLY for my ABF from where it was when I moved in - it hit a point where I just left for the night after a HUGE and very bitter argument.

This must have scared the TAR out of him, because he's been sweet and loving. He's cut WAY back on his drinking...and is seriously trying to make amends. My best friend (who was married to an A for a VERY long time but ultimately left) keeps telling me to stay, stick with him, and giving me advice on how to "help" and "be supportive" of him...but I just want to scream.

As much as I WANT to believe that "this time" it will stick, I find myself waiting for tomorrow night. The dreaded, "Friday night out with the boys" which ALWAYS starts with going over to a friend's house he knows I like and respect and ALWAYS ending up at the bar, hanging out with the friend he knows I don't, and coming home and 4 in the morning black-out drunk.

I'm looking at a potential new place to move into on Saturday morning, regardless...because to be honest, I need to get a lot more out of this relationship than less drinking. I need to see more of an effort out of him than treating me like a maid, mother, cook, taxi driver, dog groomer, and caretaker. I want a partner, and if he can't be that to me - I can't be with him. He knows I left an emotionally abusive ex and that I won't tolerate that crap again.

So - even though this isn't the first time I've seen the "effort during the week" BF, this is the first time that I've given up hope that tomorrow will be different.

It's a sad statement.

hopeful4

I am so sorry, it is sad. However, you can look at his actions over the long term and see if he really means it or not. That does not mean you have to speak with him during that time and you certainly don't have to live with him during that time. Set him free. Let him work on him and you work on you. It's just my opinion of course, but too many times we stay and torture ourselves hoping they will change, they can still change w/out us in the house.

God Bless.

ladyscribbler

It's a sad statement.

Sad for him, maybe. Just one more slip down his slope to hell. For you? Freedom, happiness and a real future are all waiting out there for you. Go get 'em!

CodeJob

Mellybug, I hope the place is a good option. As are reliably disappointing.

FlippedRHalo

Not sure if it's actually something you can pinpoint, but you'll know it when it happens. I'm there right now. It's been so painful to come to this realization that it's made me completely numb at this point. It almost feels like a part of my soul has been murdered and the only way my mind can cope with all of this is by turning off all emotion.

This happened after some very seriously painful, caught in your throat, gut wrenching sobbing that I did most of yesterday.

I think I cried so deep and so hard because at that point, hope was leaving me. At that point, it hit me that after all of the chances, after all of the begging & pleading on both ends, after all of the promises to change and treat me better, nothing at all had changed and it's not going to.

It's all so brutal. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but know you're not alone. This is probably the best place you could possibly be right now. This group of people - they're nothing short of amazing.

Raider

Good decision. I don't know what else you can do to take care of you. Blessings.

Mellybug

We had a very long and heart-felt discussion last night...and I realize that what he told me BEFORE I moved in - about sharing of chores, etc. just wasn't how he TRULY felt. He was just agreeing with me. His true feelings came out last night - and we both realize that we really are two different people, just madly in love.

I'm still moving forward with plans to move into my own place, but now I have hope that we can continue being in each others' lives after that - me working on myself and he working on himself. Because we both really HEARD each other and felt we were being heard as well.

I need to leave for my own health, peace of mind and sanity...and I only hope that he can understand and respect that and not take it as an ultimate rejection, because it isn't. He applauds the fact that I was able to stand up and say what I feel because it took me 7 years in my last relationship and only 5 months in this one...so he understands my struggles. I just realized how DIFFERENT we are.

Sad today. And my mother is pressuring me REALLY HARD to GET OUT and GET OUT RIGHT NOW! I've not risen to her drama level and kept very calm while responding.

lillamy

I think "madly" is the operative word here.
People who love each other don't choose alcohol over the relationship.
People who love their significant other don't go out with friends and come home blackout drunk every Friday.

I think you are very wise to put some distance between him and yourself. That will show you whether he's a man or a mouse. Whether he can put his money where his mouth is. Whether he will really get sober or just continue to try to moderate his drinking. Whether he will make you a priority in his life or not.

And it will show you that you can manage very well on your own, and that you can choose whether you want him and his baggage in your life or not.

Mellybug

I KNOW that I can manage just fine on my own - and am actually looking forward to it. Only MY messes to worry about...only MY issues to deal with...etc. As for him? Well...I moved in for two reasons, both of which I'm seriously kicking myself for right now.

1) He was about to lose his house. He had lost his job and at that time I didn't realize just how bad his drinking was, so I didn't realize that played such a huge factor in it.

2) I caught him with another woman and he kept explaining that he doesn't do well on his own, and we were only seeing each other once a week, sometimes twice...he wanted more....and we agreed on a "trial" basis. Well, I'm thinking that we tried - and it hasn't worked.

Yes, I realize NOW that all I did was enable him and prolong his crash...but at the time I bought into the b.s. Now I know better so I do better.

JustAGirl1971

Caught him cheating so you moved in with him??

Are you in alanon, Mellybug? It's really making a huge difference in my life. Working through the books and starting the steps have helped me see where my own behavior contributed to the pain and craziness in our relationship. I'm starting to see myself so much more clearly.

I think distancing yourself is wise. It will give you the opportunity to decide if you can live with his behaviors. As others have said, only he can change those and it's not going to happen while he's still drinking.

AnvilheadII

i'm sure you see now how HUGE those RED FLAGS were???

about to lose his house AND sleeping with somebody else. either one of those can and should be considered as DEALBREAKERS. if someone is already demonstrating to us that they cna't manage their own affairs, either financial or otherwise, then we are stepping in to a hornet's nest of trouble.

and now you know. 5 months and you are out.

Mellybug

Yes, I realize NOW how messed up that was!

Yes, I'm in an Al-Anon support group - which is how I've been able to find the strength, courage, and wisdom to get this far!

lillamy

Isn't it amazing when you look back how at one point you thought decisions you made were perfection rational? And when you look at them now, you just go "WHAT was I THINKING?!?!??!"

I think we can all come up with examples of things like that -- so don't feel like the lone moron here!

Me? When AXH proposed to me, I said yes because I was afraid of dealing with how angry he would get if I said I needed to think about it.

Yes. I did. Brilliant, huh?

Mellybug

The odd thing is that at the time I was VERY uncomfortable with it and thought it was a bad idea, but what could I do?!? I couldn't just let him lose his HOME! (I didn't realize that Alcohol was a factor...he had just bought a car for his ailing mother, he had just done this for his sister, blah, blah, blah...it wasn't until a drunken confession that I found out the truth about all of THAT).

As for the other woman, I had talked to both of them together, and she knew that he and I were together - he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me. Two weeks later, I had a feeling and asked him about a weekend that I hadn't heard from him and he admitted they were together and yes, they had sex. But that's just what they did when they hung out! And when I agreed to move in with him I told him that he couldn't "hang out" with her anymore if that's what they "just did" when they hung out. They had a very tearful conversation - with much bitterness, I'm sure.

Looking back I want to slap myself. Hard. Shake myself until I got whiplash!!!

But, here we are now and this is what I must deal with. I had very little self esteem and wanted to see if, after 4 years of WANTING to be together, if we really COULD make it work. We have a lot of feelings for each other, but I see now that with the way we BOTH are, together isn't healthy for either of us.

JustAGirl1971

Lol on Lillamy's post. I was actually considering asking my A if we could take a break when he proposed. Not sure how "let's take a break" = "YES, I will marry you", but apparently in my crazy brain it did?

hopeful4

Melly...as long as you can look back and see the red flags now, which it seems you can, WITHOUT the whiplash..LOL!

Be strong, don't fall for the manipulation he is certainly going to try before you go.

Blessings!

NYCDoglvr

I hope you follow your own instincts and leave. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and his drinking will only get worse. Alcoholics need enablers because it helps them continue drinking ... they don't have to be responsible.