AnvilheadII

Is there any benefit whatsoever to confronting her about her drinking friend?

sure, if you want to make sure you have a night to yourself!

let's see....SHE knows she drinks. she knows her friend drinks. she likes to drink with her friend. she is "supposed" to go to treatment in two days and the topper is supposedly pregnant. exactly what NEW light on you going to shed on this, poet? she is doing EXACTLY what SHE wants. of course now she's all "i'm sorry" - it's part of the cycle. it's part of the PATTERN.

she sounds like she has the maturity of a 16 yr old. and lives to party it up.

don't respond to ANY of her texts for the next six hours. do not answer the phone. and then just WATCH what she does........just watch, observe as a detached third party. watch when she can't get the reaction from you she wants.

NotPoet

If I were to decide to not go over after work, should I say anything like, "Well, you changed plans and that's not okay with me?"

How should I approach it?

suki44883

There is no benefit to confront her about anything.

So far as too early for a home pregnancy test to determine pregnancy, that's all the more reason that she has no business drinking. The last thing she needs is another child, and on top of that, one possibly born with fetal alcohol syndrome. This woman is not relationship material. I pray that she is not pregnant because if she is, you are going to be in a world of hurt for at least the next 18 years.

AnvilheadII

If I were to decide to not go over after work, should I say anything like, "Well, you changed plans and that's not okay with me?"

shorter - NO THANKS.

NotPoet

If I decide to not respond to her texts or calls, what am I looking to accomplish with this?

I'm not sure, honestly. Please elaborate.

NotPoet

If I were to say no thanks, how do I continue from there?

Genuinely, I'm looking for some hand holding here.

Also, you said watch if I don't respond to her texts and calls. What am I watching for?

AnvilheadII

so you can witness for yourself what she DOES when you are not "on call" - so you can see how her messages change - like from bringing you a sandwich and you not reacting as she wants, to her getting huffy, to "suddenly" changing her plans for the night, and now back to I'm Sorry. how much time passed from the lunch delivery to I'm Sorry? and how many different tacks did she take in that time?

just suggesting you STEP BACK...as it is you don't even know how to tell her no, not tonite. cuz she's got you all twisted up.

breathe.

bluebelle

The pregnancy stuff sounds like manipulation. What are these supposed signs? She is sure she is pregnant before she is even due to get her period? It sounds like missing the pill was quite deliberate. Or, how do you know she even missed the pill? Like the others said, make sure if you get intimate with her that you use your own protection. If she really thought she was pregnant, and she was drinking, what does that say about her???

NotPoet

I can appreciate the need to step back.

The reason I don't want to tell her no is because I already told her I would come over. Just not sure if I'm doing more harm than good by saying no.

I understand if she changed plans, I should be able to as well, but it almost feels petty to me.

NotPoet

I'm trying to figure that out.

The nature of addiction is that you have no control over your substance of choice, yes?

I'm not trying to make excuses for her, and while I've seen addiction, I've simply never had THIS type of experience first hand. It's confusing. Not at all sure what my place is in all of this.


Some things I've noticed myself, physical signs that can't be ignored. She manifested very early signs with her first child. They are the same. That comes from a reliable source that isn't her.

Stung

Generally, if she's pregnant she wouldn't have any idea at this point. Even friends who are trying to concieve don't really know until they either get a positive test or start menstrating. I think she's using the concept and idea of a possible pregnancy purely to manipulate you because she knows what you want and she's using that to her advantage to protect her addiction, which is very cruel but that's how active alcoholics operate. You really are better off taking that out of the equation.

Carlotta

What harm could result from spending a peaceful drama free evening by yourself, watching a movie or finishing a project? Or maybe you could reconnect with some of your friends and spend some time with them? When we are in the midst of an insane relationship, we tend to put our friends on the back burner which is a shame.

Ps: if you stop for a few minute, close your eyes and focus on yourself for a checkpoint, chances are that you will truly feel the anxiety within you. This is part of most codependent relationship with an active alcoholic and as your involvement with her deepens and her alcoholism progresses, the anxiety will get worst unless you start taking care of you.

AnvilheadII

Just not sure if I'm doing more harm than good by saying no.

harm???? what harm? you DID say yes to certain plans at a certain time. SHE changed them to suit HER but still wants YOU to come over when SHE wants and is convenient and doesn't interfere with her NEW plans. just for once, don't let her call the shots. if you don't think SHE can handle one simple no, or the relationship can't survive.....then there wasn't really anything there to begin with. seriously.

Carlotta

Suggestion: take a deep breathe and re read your posts.
It sounds like you are making another human being the center of your universe like she is the sun and you are just one of the planets gravitating powerlessly around her (her dad sounds like he is another one of those planets).
Do you think it is healthy and sane?
Now read your first post and imagine that instead of you, it was your brother or your best friend who wrote it. What would you tell them?

returntosender

You do realize you're talking about a time frame of less than 2 weeks, don't you?

She would have been ovulating TWO WEEKS ago...and implantation may not even take place until 2-3 days later. Considering she's getting her period tomorrow...this would put her pregnancy at less than 2 weeks!

There would be no discernible indication of pregnancy at this time. There just wouldn't be.

Hammer

[hand hold]

mkay.

First, some of the folks here are a little fast on the draw when dealing with this -- all the dump 'em now, and tell them this that or the other thing.

All good natured, they just do not always think through the consequences.

SO. SLOW. DOWN.

Let's Review Where You Are At?

1. You have been f-ing a Married Woman, thinking she is "yours."

2. She has been lying you, and probably most anyone else who would listen.

3. She is likely not only drunk, but Bat-**** Crazy, as well.

4. You are trying to operate from a basis of Honesty, and Morality while f-ing this Married, Lying, Drunk and likely Crazy Woman. (let just shorten this a bit? will MLDCW do?

5. Right now, you (and likely the MLDCW) think she has your d1ck in a vise telling you that she is pregnant.

6. MLDCW spent that missing month out humping-and-dumping looking for a replacement for you, and/or trying recycle some other existing guys.

7. YOU HAVE to be aware that she is NOT "mother-of-your-child" material?

Here is the deal -- The difference is between landing a plane and crashing a plane is how slow and careful you bring it down.

DO NOT THROW YOUR OWN DRAMA into this. Bring things down slow. Quit f-ing her. Back away slowly. Smile and wave all way backwards until you disappear over the horizon. This will take at least a week or two, or more like a month or more. And she will attempt to reconnect for a couple of years. While she is "disappearing" from your replacement for a month-at-a-time.

Quit worrying about her, her, her. She is not YOUR problem.

AND GET YOUR OWN STUFF CLEANED UP.

[/hand hold]

atalose

How about you send her a text saying "can't make it, something's come up". Then turn off your phone drive to the nearest book store, go to the self help section and look for a book called "Codepent No More" it will be a big help to you.

And that way you won't feel bad because something really did come up, YOUR well being.

Danae

Hi NoPoet,

Since you've come in for a lot of harsh talk here, I'd just like to say---good for you for posting here and being willing to listen to others' points of view.

As someone said earlier in the thread--we're not doing it to hurt you, we're doing it to help you.

You are in a tough situation. She's got you off balance, and the rapid shifts in her attitude towards you make it hard to navigate. What many people are telling you is that you need to know what you want. This is all about her. Alanon is a great way to get back to you.

There may be some real mental illness issues in addition to addiction going on here. Again, nothing you can fix. And it isn't clear that she wants to fix herself. The idea that you can "support" her through it is a false hope, I fear. A nice idea that you could be the rescuer, but a trap.

As for tonight--people are giving you some good tips. She is likely to give you a very hard time if you don't fall in line with her wishes. This is good information for you to have. See what happens. This could be your life (aka unpleasant) if you choose to stick around.

The unplanned pregnancy/bender/bruises/alcohol abuse is a very scary mix.

So sorry you are dealing with this, but glad you're posting here. Keep reading as well, that can be helpful. You aren't alone!

NotPoet

It's not so much that I want to be a rescuer. I understand the nature of addiction well enough. Grew up around it unfortunately.


I am, however, concerned with my role in all of this on multiple levels. So yes, I am concerned with my own behavior and I'm aware that if it weren't for my constant support in the face of horrible adversity and behavior by a man I consider a brother, he would be dead and not sober for 5 years. He did some atrocious things. I stood by him. We've been as close as you can imagine ever since. He's been a good prism throughout all of this as well, giving me insight to irrational behavior and the like.

So no, it's not that simple to me.

Carlotta

Here is the link to Mr Number
https://play.google.com/store/apps/d....blocker&hl=en
and yes, there is a lot of straight talk going on and I am glad that you are not running away but are reading. We just hope that you will be spared the hell most of us have been through.
Also read some of the threads in the F&F section especially those by other newbies but who have been involved with their alcoholic partner for years, those are the ghosts of the Christmas to come.