Girlfriend entering rehab Wednesday, maybe pregnant
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Her child is with her and her family, where she is currently staying. Her family has money and her father is in the medical field.
it seems she already HAS the support and the means to get into treatment and take this bull by the horns. her child will be looked after, her family has financial resources and her father is in the medical profession. you are not her only source of support, nor is there really anything you MUST do here to HELP her.
SHE has to help herself. i'm going to be frank here but "I love her" in this case is sounding more like a justification to stay IN something your head tells you to get OUT of. while to you it may seem like this all just came about, in all likelihood her trouble with alcohol has been developing for quite some time.
I do have a question....as you sit here and contemplate fatherhood - when she pulled her disappearing act for a month, where was her child? conveniently left behind with gramma and grampa while she ran off and did her thing??
I know the woman she was and can be
you may know who you think she was, but you have NO idea who she CAN be or what her life will be like in the future. as it is, you THOUGHT you knew her and then all hell broke loose.
she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal
that's a new one. I've heard of a thousand different excuses to NOT got to rehab NOW, but dental work? a root canal takes a few hours.
They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
which drugs, the anesthetic from the root canal???? or was she ALSO doing drugs while out on her run.
if indeed she IS pregnant, i'd vote for a paternity test, with a quickness. with her recent antics its highly probable she engaged in unprotected sex with others, possibly even the not yet ex husband........
really quite the vipers nest here.
it seems she already HAS the support and the means to get into treatment and take this bull by the horns. her child will be looked after, her family has financial resources and her father is in the medical profession. you are not her only source of support, nor is there really anything you MUST do here to HELP her.
SHE has to help herself. i'm going to be frank here but "I love her" in this case is sounding more like a justification to stay IN something your head tells you to get OUT of. while to you it may seem like this all just came about, in all likelihood her trouble with alcohol has been developing for quite some time.
I do have a question....as you sit here and contemplate fatherhood - when she pulled her disappearing act for a month, where was her child? conveniently left behind with gramma and grampa while she ran off and did her thing??
I know the woman she was and can be
you may know who you think she was, but you have NO idea who she CAN be or what her life will be like in the future. as it is, you THOUGHT you knew her and then all hell broke loose.
she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal
that's a new one. I've heard of a thousand different excuses to NOT got to rehab NOW, but dental work? a root canal takes a few hours.
They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
which drugs, the anesthetic from the root canal???? or was she ALSO doing drugs while out on her run.
if indeed she IS pregnant, i'd vote for a paternity test, with a quickness. with her recent antics its highly probable she engaged in unprotected sex with others, possibly even the not yet ex husband........
really quite the vipers nest here.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 33
Not harsh -- I appreciate your candidness.
I know this looks like a non-starter.
It does to me sometimes, too.
I'm trying to figure it out. I'm durable. I've seen a lot. I know what I can and can't handle. Right now I'm trying to figure out which of this it is.
I know this looks like a non-starter.
It does to me sometimes, too.
I'm trying to figure it out. I'm durable. I've seen a lot. I know what I can and can't handle. Right now I'm trying to figure out which of this it is.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Her child is with her and her family, where she is currently staying. Her family has money and her father is in the medical field.
it seems she already HAS the support and the means to get into treatment and take this bull by the horns. her child will be looked after, her family has financial resources and her father is in the medical profession. you are not her only source of support, nor is there really anything you MUST do here to HELP her.
SHE has to help herself. i'm going to be frank here but "I love her" in this case is sounding more like a justification to stay IN something your head tells you to get OUT of. while to you it may seem like this all just came about, in all likelihood her trouble with alcohol has been developing for quite some time.
I do have a question....as you sit here and contemplate fatherhood - when she pulled her disappearing act for a month, where was her child? conveniently left behind with gramma and grampa while she ran off and did her thing??
I know the woman she was and can be
you may know who you think she was, but you have NO idea who she CAN be or what her life will be like in the future. as it is, you THOUGHT you knew her and then all hell broke loose.
she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal
that's a new one. I've heard of a thousand different excuses to NOT got to rehab NOW, but dental work? a root canal takes a few hours.
They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
which drugs, the anesthetic from the root canal???? or was she ALSO doing drugs while out on her run.
if indeed she IS pregnant, i'd vote for a paternity test, with a quickness. with her recent antics its highly probable she engaged in unprotected sex with others, possibly even the not yet ex husband........
really quite the vipers nest here.
it seems she already HAS the support and the means to get into treatment and take this bull by the horns. her child will be looked after, her family has financial resources and her father is in the medical profession. you are not her only source of support, nor is there really anything you MUST do here to HELP her.
SHE has to help herself. i'm going to be frank here but "I love her" in this case is sounding more like a justification to stay IN something your head tells you to get OUT of. while to you it may seem like this all just came about, in all likelihood her trouble with alcohol has been developing for quite some time.
I do have a question....as you sit here and contemplate fatherhood - when she pulled her disappearing act for a month, where was her child? conveniently left behind with gramma and grampa while she ran off and did her thing??
I know the woman she was and can be
you may know who you think she was, but you have NO idea who she CAN be or what her life will be like in the future. as it is, you THOUGHT you knew her and then all hell broke loose.
she's had to delay going to rehab because of her root canal
that's a new one. I've heard of a thousand different excuses to NOT got to rehab NOW, but dental work? a root canal takes a few hours.
They won't take her until this Wednesday, tentatively, because they want her to detox from the drugs.
which drugs, the anesthetic from the root canal???? or was she ALSO doing drugs while out on her run.
if indeed she IS pregnant, i'd vote for a paternity test, with a quickness. with her recent antics its highly probable she engaged in unprotected sex with others, possibly even the not yet ex husband........
really quite the vipers nest here.
I think bringing up a paternity test at this point in time would land like a sack of bricks. If I am the child's father, which pains me deeply to even consider the alternative, I don't want her to remove the child from my life.
All I've ever wanted to be is a father, and I refuse to be the kind that stands on the side lines. It's just one more twist in this ever building rat's nest.
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Originally Posted by NotPoet
Presumably I am.
I have reservations about that. She swears up and down it couldn't be anyone but me.
I believe that due to circumstances, but obviously I have some reservations about that too.
We've done several tests but they all come back negative. She didn't show up on a test with her first child until she was 3-4 weeks, as her hCG levels were still very low. But all of the other signs are there. Her period is supposed to come tomorrow, which I suppose will be the acid test.
I have reservations about that. She swears up and down it couldn't be anyone but me.
I believe that due to circumstances, but obviously I have some reservations about that too.
We've done several tests but they all come back negative. She didn't show up on a test with her first child until she was 3-4 weeks, as her hCG levels were still very low. But all of the other signs are there. Her period is supposed to come tomorrow, which I suppose will be the acid test.
All the same source -- the psycho?
And ready to reel you back with "just lunch."
Maybe go read some of Zoso's posts on the Addiction board?
Sample >>>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ears-gone.html
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Posts: 2,066
I think bringing up a paternity test at this point in time would land like a sack of bricks. If I am the child's father, which pains me deeply to even consider the alternative, I don't want her to remove the child from my life.
All I've ever wanted to be is a father, and I refuse to be the kind that stands on the side lines. It's just one more twist in this ever building rat's nest.
All I've ever wanted to be is a father, and I refuse to be the kind that stands on the side lines. It's just one more twist in this ever building rat's nest.
Second, you DO NOT want to have a child with an active alcoholic. It's not fair to the child or partner. This is coming from someone with two children with an alcoholic. There are so many good, healthy, stable, well adjusted women who want to start families too, you deserve one of those healthy, happy, stable women.
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Originally Posted by NotPoet
I think bringing up a paternity test at this point in time would land like a sack of bricks. If I am the child's father, which pains me deeply to even consider the alternative, I don't want her to remove the child from my life.
All I've ever wanted to be is a father, and I refuse to be the kind that stands on the side lines. It's just one more twist in this ever building rat's nest.
All I've ever wanted to be is a father, and I refuse to be the kind that stands on the side lines. It's just one more twist in this ever building rat's nest.
You are just a prop in a Mentally Ill's person's stage play.
Not to spoil the play for you, but the present build-up is that she IS TRYING to get pregnant. May already be, or maybe not. Really has NOTHING to do with you. If you are not a father to-be, yet, someone else will be.
She has figured out this will lock you down no matter what crap she pulls. Prior hubby was apparently not so . . . . ummmm . . . . gullible, dedicated, dunno? Is that an okay way to say things?
Might as well get the owner's manual if you think you are buying this . . .
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Margalis Fjelstad: 9781442220188: Amazon.com: Books
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life, Margalis Fjelstad (Author)
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Cut your losses. Now.
I know you love her, but the longer you stay, the harder it will get. 5 months is a very short time to be making "long term" plans with anyone! Even a healthy person.
Also...I'm sorry, but she hasn't even missed a period yet and she thinks she's pregnant? If she's due for her period tomorrow, that would mean she was ovulating 2 weeks ago...I'm sorry, but there are no "signs" of pregnancy that early on. The egg just implanted! Sickness won't even occur until weeks or months later. She sounds very manipulative to me. That's how it appears.
I know you love her, but the longer you stay, the harder it will get. 5 months is a very short time to be making "long term" plans with anyone! Even a healthy person.
Also...I'm sorry, but she hasn't even missed a period yet and she thinks she's pregnant? If she's due for her period tomorrow, that would mean she was ovulating 2 weeks ago...I'm sorry, but there are no "signs" of pregnancy that early on. The egg just implanted! Sickness won't even occur until weeks or months later. She sounds very manipulative to me. That's how it appears.
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Posts: 5,103
In all your posts I notice you say you care deeply but don't use the word love. Which is probably good seeing this is such a new relationship.
I think it helps to figure out what WE mean when we say we want to care and support them through it. What are WE thinking that support looks like.
Now if she were going into surgery to fix a broken leg, you might hold her hand unti, they wheel her into surgery and then be there sitting my her bed holding her hand when she wakes up. Being there to help her out of bed and support her while she tries to walk. Driving them to all the follow up doctor appointments. That's caring and support.
But for addiction, we cannot support them in that same way. As a matter of fact the support we should offer may even seem/feel uncaring. Setting boundaries, not enabling bad behavior or accepting it.
We can't hold there hand into recovery then be standing on the steps when they come out holding them up and supporting them down the steps and home. We can't support them by insisting we drive them to meetings or keeping track of how often they call their sponsor.
So I think figuring out the kind of support you want to offer her and what that may look like to you is a good place to start.
I think it helps to figure out what WE mean when we say we want to care and support them through it. What are WE thinking that support looks like.
Now if she were going into surgery to fix a broken leg, you might hold her hand unti, they wheel her into surgery and then be there sitting my her bed holding her hand when she wakes up. Being there to help her out of bed and support her while she tries to walk. Driving them to all the follow up doctor appointments. That's caring and support.
But for addiction, we cannot support them in that same way. As a matter of fact the support we should offer may even seem/feel uncaring. Setting boundaries, not enabling bad behavior or accepting it.
We can't hold there hand into recovery then be standing on the steps when they come out holding them up and supporting them down the steps and home. We can't support them by insisting we drive them to meetings or keeping track of how often they call their sponsor.
So I think figuring out the kind of support you want to offer her and what that may look like to you is a good place to start.
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Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Yes any situation with an active alcoholic is messy, to say the least. I see many similarities in our situations except I am the wife. My husband went off the deep end. All those typical alcoholic behaviors-lying, disappearing, arguing. He started an affair. He was so ridiculously deep in his alcoholism. I can't begin to describe the convoluted web of lies he told everyone involved. It would require flow charts and diagrams.
I found out later he was telling the other woman he was getting a divorce while begging me for forgiveness. I know now it was all craziness and an active alcoholic is simply not capable of having meaningful relationships.
I understand you have known her for a long time. Could it be you are in love with her potential, not what she is right now? We all hope things will get better but there is the possibility this is the best it will ever be.
My husband is working on his recovery. Now that he is sober he is not with the other woman. He doesn't want divorce but I'm not sure I can forgive. I need to see a year of sobriety and work on myself.
I would advise you to wait until the ink is dry on her divorce papers. Information from an alcoholic is not reliable. Do you really know the state of her marriage? It certainly could be over but it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Lying, disappearing, drinking. She may not be in a position to be making rational decisions. These are big life decisions with children involved. Are you sure you want to be in the middle of this?
I found out later he was telling the other woman he was getting a divorce while begging me for forgiveness. I know now it was all craziness and an active alcoholic is simply not capable of having meaningful relationships.
I understand you have known her for a long time. Could it be you are in love with her potential, not what she is right now? We all hope things will get better but there is the possibility this is the best it will ever be.
My husband is working on his recovery. Now that he is sober he is not with the other woman. He doesn't want divorce but I'm not sure I can forgive. I need to see a year of sobriety and work on myself.
I would advise you to wait until the ink is dry on her divorce papers. Information from an alcoholic is not reliable. Do you really know the state of her marriage? It certainly could be over but it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Lying, disappearing, drinking. She may not be in a position to be making rational decisions. These are big life decisions with children involved. Are you sure you want to be in the middle of this?
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Originally Posted by Catherine628
I understand you have known her for a long time. Could it be you are in love with her potential, not what she is right now? We all hope things will get better but there is the possibility this is the best it will ever be.
Fair way of putting it.
She just brought me lunch. And apparently because I wasn't glowing she's now being snickity with me. She said, "until you start telling me what [is wrong] I can't do anything to help you".
Then she texted me and said, "Hope your day goes well. See ya later."
How do I know what is legitimate concern and what is trying to pick an argument? Because it feels like she's trying to pick an argument with her language.
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Obviously I'm not feeling amazing right now, but the reason I'm feeling a bit down at the moment is that we were supposed to spend some time together this evening at her place and she texted me right before bringing me food saying her enabling friend was going to come over later so I could come over right after work instead.
Felt kind of ****** to get reshuffled like that. Not sure how to respond to it.
Felt kind of ****** to get reshuffled like that. Not sure how to respond to it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 339
If she is not in recovery and still drinking, you are not dealing with a rational person. That push/pull, I want you/go away thing got old for me. I limited contact until my husband was sober and had been for some time. He went to rehab 3 times this past year. We have children so he will always be in my life.
For a long time I let my husband have too much control and I let his alcoholism dictate too much of my life. Now I'm working on boundaries and what I want out of life.
For a long time I let my husband have too much control and I let his alcoholism dictate too much of my life. Now I'm working on boundaries and what I want out of life.
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I'm sorry you are going through this..
I love her deeply
Do you love her or is it infatuation or the idea of the story of knowing someone from childhood? Love isn't suppose to hurt in 5 months of dating someone.
I am happy to hear that she is going to rehab but do you think in the 6th month or 7th month all will be well. Do you feel she will be back to being the childhood person you have known and hoped for?
When a mate needs to be gone for awhile (referring to work or family vacation etc ) You should miss them but be ok with being alone being able to function.and when you have conversations of the day it should be positive and up building. Can you imagine how yours is going to go?
I have loved ones and friends who have dealt with addiction so it's not unfamiliar territory entirely
Can you recall how much pain and hurt your friends and loved ones dealt with?
Notpoet- I married my childhood friend. We dated for 4 years engaged for 3 years and he was picture perfect until after the wedding....
The fact is I didn't know him at all, I was in love with the idea of love and the childhood story line. When my gutt was telling me something wasn't right I brushed it off thinking he was going through a faze. Once I learned the truth he told me "this is why I hid it from you I knew you would act like that"
Years later and i'm the one picking up the pieces he is still happy with his drugs and alcohol. I'm the one with the problem because I want a change not him.
When the mind and heart agree all is well. Something is triggering inside of you telling you something isn't right. Please keep educating yourself and take care of you and keep posting.
I love her deeply
Do you love her or is it infatuation or the idea of the story of knowing someone from childhood? Love isn't suppose to hurt in 5 months of dating someone.
I am happy to hear that she is going to rehab but do you think in the 6th month or 7th month all will be well. Do you feel she will be back to being the childhood person you have known and hoped for?
When a mate needs to be gone for awhile (referring to work or family vacation etc ) You should miss them but be ok with being alone being able to function.and when you have conversations of the day it should be positive and up building. Can you imagine how yours is going to go?
I have loved ones and friends who have dealt with addiction so it's not unfamiliar territory entirely
Can you recall how much pain and hurt your friends and loved ones dealt with?
Notpoet- I married my childhood friend. We dated for 4 years engaged for 3 years and he was picture perfect until after the wedding....
The fact is I didn't know him at all, I was in love with the idea of love and the childhood story line. When my gutt was telling me something wasn't right I brushed it off thinking he was going through a faze. Once I learned the truth he told me "this is why I hid it from you I knew you would act like that"
Years later and i'm the one picking up the pieces he is still happy with his drugs and alcohol. I'm the one with the problem because I want a change not him.
When the mind and heart agree all is well. Something is triggering inside of you telling you something isn't right. Please keep educating yourself and take care of you and keep posting.
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Originally Posted by NotPoet
Obviously I'm not feeling amazing right now, but the reason I'm feeling a bit down at the moment is that we were supposed to spend some time together this evening at her place and she texted me right before bringing me food saying her enabling friend was going to come over later so I could come over right after work instead.
Felt kind of ****** to get reshuffled like that. Not sure how to respond to it.
Felt kind of ****** to get reshuffled like that. Not sure how to respond to it.
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Originally Posted by NotPoet
So how do I respond to her right now? She's about to call me apparently. [She called right after I went back inside from grabbing my food from her, too].
She is wondering what the hell is wrong with you? (remember nothing is ever likely wrong with her).
Send her back a note saying -- "Thanks!" And that you "Love Her Very Much!" (all true, right?)
If you are going to deal with this, you are going to have to learn to deal with this.
And Alanon, FOR YOU -- tonight.
mkay. Going to quit harassing you for a bit, but let this stuff start to sink in.
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