Catherine628

One thing I found tremendously helpful was seeing a counselor. She is a licensed addiction therapist who specializes in working with family members of alcoholics or anyone involved with an alcoholic. She has so much knowledge on what happens in alcoholic relationships and she really helps me figure out MY needs. I got her info by talking with people I met at al anon.

It would be worth figuring out why you are pursuing this relationship with someone who is so unavailable on so many levels. You don't want to leave this mess only to find yourself caught up in a similar one down the road.

And it is OK to tell her no. Even if you have made a commitment plans change all the time in life.

choublak

I haven't read this entire thread, but I'm just gonna say, this "maybe pregnant" business smells fishy.

Danae

I wonder if the experience with your friend, who is now 5 years sober, is giving you expectations that this will work out well the same way?

When I read posts from men on this board there is often the sense that they need to behave "honorably". (Note: this isn't to in any way imply that women don't as well---rather that it is a hook that seems to have a unique lure for men. Just my take on it). And they get themselves into amazingly twisted places, by trying to be honorable with someone who is alcoholic/not honest/crazy. It keeps them stuck.

And from the distance of my keyboard it makes me very sad. It is as if this need to be good and true and honorable is exploited. So..while you had a good outcome with your friend, I hope you'll consider that it is unlikely to play out the same way again.

graceandbeauty0

Hello notpoet. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time. Believe me from my personal experience I know all too well in following in love with someone so quick and then finding out so soon they have a problem, but not wanting to just abandon them because you love them and hope you can help them.

First things first is an al anon saying and right now the best thing you can do for yourself is take care of you. She has a disease unfortunately that requires her to take charge of her own life and decisions. Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to support her because you love her, but it's very easy to jump into a codependent situation with addicts. It's easy to want their love and take care of them and want to help them get better.

I met by exabf 6 years ago and we were so in love when we first met I thought he was the one too. I found he had a problem about 3 to 4 months into our relationship and I stuck by him. And believe I don't regret my decisions because I've grown and learned from it every single day, but I got to the point where my abf and I were finally happy. I was in al anon, he was in AA and we were both working a program and I finally thought my happy ending was coming, and instead he breaks up with me and says he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not saying this will happen to you but just understand that when you're with an addict it's lifelong disease, not just something that once they get sober you're life will be perfect again.

Just know my abf was in rehab 9 different times in the 6 years we were dating, and pretty much every time he went I thought he was coming back finally fixed, but I was wrong. Just take care of yourself and just take a look at yourself and how much are you willing to handle. And if she is pregnant, then be the child's father, but that doesn't mean you have to be her husband too. You're in my prayers.

NotPoet

I genuinely am considering everything all of you have said.

I know it comes from a good place.

I believe in the value of dialogue.


I've tried hard to not seem resistant or stubborn, and I'll continue to read and respond to your posts.

Of course my experience with my friend has given me hope. A lot of blood, pain and tears went into that. The payoff has been a man that is closer to me than my own family and who I trust my life with.


I'm also realistic enough to know lightning may not strike twice, and the likelihood is probably more "not" than even "maybe".



I am an optimistic person, and I keep hearing "Trust your gut" over and over from everyone -- my gut tells me this: this person you love is in utter ruin by poorly made choices. She has broken your heart, she has hurt those around her and herself immensely. But she needs love and support, and self-sacrifice by those around her.


If she never is with me again, I would at least want to leave her with that example of compassion and love. And it is love.


To answer the question someone had earlier, I am young. I turn 28 soon. She's a similar age.

I had a lot of false starts in life. I screwed up a lot. If people hadn't been patient with me when I was an insolent little ****, I would be no one and no where right now. That's the example I was left with and I've tried to live the same with everyone around me ever since.

I wouldn't feel like I was doing right by myself if I didn't try to see this out, whatever the future holds.

I'm not clinging to darkened hope, I'm holding on to the things I claim to believe -- forgiveness, love and sacrifice.

And no, it's not easy.

FireSprite

Honestly, the only way she would have any observable symptoms of pregnancy at four weeks (like another poster pointed out) would be the result of hyper stimulation of the ovaries, which, outside of her having undergone fertility treatments is extremely unlikely. I know this because it happened to me when I achieved a successful pregnancy with DD with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist and fertility treatments. And if it's that significant that it's noticeable even that early, you KNOW it because you NEED medical attention and you need to be monitored daily. My own case evidenced as mild-to-moderate at 5 weeks and the home pregnancy test showed positive, immediately, before that time.

With all due respect, if she is still drinking then you can't trust that what you are interpreting to be symptoms are not be related to the alcohol. I don't doubt for one second that you are being manipulated.

graceandbeauty0

that's all very noble of you and good for you, but addiction is a disease and you didn't cause it, u can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You are not a bad person if you let her hit her bottom. Addicts have to find their own bottom to actually want to stay clean, and if ppl are constantly fixing her troubles for her, she will never see how bad her addiction has gotten, even if everyone else can see it. Start learning about addiction it will help you understand it better what she is going through.

NotPoet

I'm not attempting to fix her problems. I want her to fix her problems. I want her to choose to fix herself.

She has chosen to go to rehab. When she goes, that will be a step. I understand that a beginning does not promise anything except the possibility of recovery. I understand these are all her choices. There are those around her that are fixing her problems for her, but I am not one of them. I've been firm with her when I needed to be, but I still don't always know the right path to pick and the right words to say.

I'm not trying to be noble or a knight in shining armor, I'm just trying to do the right thing.

If I thought walking away now was the right thing, I would.


I honestly just don't know.

FireSprite

I'm sorry, but, no. Someone else's bad choices & resulting consequences DO NOT require self-sacrifice on MY part, ever.

I know we say to trust you gut around here a lot - but we should maybe qualify that statement a bit. First, you need to make sure that your gut-brain in healthy.

Many of us need to do quite a bit of work on our own codependency recovery because after a lifetime of enabling others, we find that our gut-brain isn't functioning properly & needs to be reset before we can rely on it.

NotPoet

I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

I do believe putting others before yourself is desirable and admirable.

I don't believe that enabling and doing that have to be one in the same. Or that they're always mutually exclusive, either.

I certainly take your point though, that it's perfectly plausible that my vision is skewed by circumstances.

Danae

Hope you'll keep posting anyway. Let us know how things go.

KissMyTiara

How long will she be in rehab? I would tell her no more contact until she is out. Or is this rehab thing just another con game she is playing you?

NotPoet

No, the rehab is real. She actually went a couple of weeks ago and they sent her back for detox. I'm hoping the same doesn't occur this time, but we'll see.

I have a feeling if it does happen this time, her father will have her in a professional detox clinic, which she should have been in to begin with -- but that's another story.


Her father is well-meaning, but naive as they come.


The reason she hasn't gone as of yet is due to her month long bender, she had a tooth go septic that required meds and a root canal, which came with pain killers because of the uniqueness of the situation. My cousin actually works in that office and confirmed independently that it's a really unique case. She's been in a lot of pain from it, hence the pain pills. They won't take her until she's detoxed from that, which to my understanding should be Wednesday.

FireSprite

Putting others ahead of ourselves CAN BE admirable, but not when they need to be saved from THEMSELVES.... from their OWN decisions, their OWN behaviors, their OWN choices... especially over & over again with the same patterns & problems.

It doesn't have to be one & the same as enabling... until you introduce alcohol.

I think your evening would be better spend reading about addiction and all that goes with it, in all seriousness.

KissMyTiara

"Her father is well-meaning, but naive as they come."



I think you need to look at yourself here.

SeasonlessWorld

I have to jump into the fray here. I am not an addict but suffered with depression for a long time. I had help from my family and a treatment program where i was with individuals at different levels of emotional distress. While my family helped they put their well being first. I had to maintain a certain level of personal responsibility and integrity with them, my illness could not be used as an excuse to run roughshod over their feelings. I had to get mysel to appointments take my meds etc. In the treatment program even the sickest had responsibilities, they were the most strict with those who had borderline personality disorders and addiction issues. A certain amount of absences and you were out. The help my family and professionals gave me had limits on it and so it should. What purpose could it possibly serve to sacrifice oneself to someone completely? Especially when she is not treating you with respect. She is not a child, she doesn't get to have you give all of yourself while she gives so little.

A few thoughts on your friend who is now sober. It seems like you are laboring
Under the impression that Your actions got him sober. He chose sobriety and integrity, your GF has to choose it too.

returntosender

Poet, can I ask you a serious question?

Are you addicted to the drama she brings?

I ask this in all seriousness, because it seems like you kerp coming up with a lot of excuses for her. For such a young relationship, I'm not understanding why the need to continue on in this way. I know there are feelings involved, and that makes it difficult, but sanity and reason should trump all else when it comes to hers and your own mental health.

Someone in recovery really doesn't need to be dating anyways, and it seems if you loved her the way you say you do, to REALLY put her needs first, would be putting her recovery before the relationship.

JustAGirl1971

NotPoet, I don't think anyone is arguing that there aren't times we should put someone else's needs above our own desires. However, putting someone else's needs above our needs will end up with two people in trouble. It's like saving a drowning person. If you just jump in and try to save them, there's a decent chance they'll pull you under and you'll both drown. Instead, you throw them a life preserver and you pull them to safety from the safety of the boat or side of the pool. Same with an alcoholic. You can't save her no matter how hard you try. All you can do is throw her the life preserver and leave her to decide whether she takes it or not.

As for when to put someone's needs above your desires, we do that with those who can't help themselves. Example: During pregnancy we eat healthy, don't drink, and take care of ourselves because the baby is dependent on us to provide a safe, healthy environment to grow in. Or, with our dependent children, we make ourselves emotionally & physically available to provide their needs. We don't abandon them for a month for a party. Your girlfriend is an adult. She is capable of choosing sobriety. But, that's the key, she has to choose it. Doesn't look to me like she is.

returntosender

What I mean is, someone this EARLY in their recovery.

CodeJob

Not Poet, You are so sweet and earnest. Remember those of us posting have been through the wringer already and have had sweet and earnest worn out of us. Well at least I have I should qualify. We just wish to stop one person from the addiction wringer if at all possible. We still want to save and fix people here on SR!

We are glad you are here. We are glad you are posting. We truly hope your childhood sweetheart A enters rehab on Wed and that this act is the beginning of her self-chosen recovery.

Keep your ears and eyes open. Watch for asymmetry between her words and her actions.