Catherine628

Our lives become so enmeshed with the alcoholic. It becomes difficult to make decisions without first thinking of the alcoholic. What do you want to do tonight? Go out to dinner with a friend, read a book, go to a meeting, go to the gym? Maybe take some time for you. Sounds like she has other plans and expects you to shuffle things for her. Something my husband also did, expect the world to revolve around him and his needs.

Carlotta

I hope you will stick around and also give Al Anon a try.
First thing first is to determine whether or not she is pregnant and if it is your child.
Her drinking while pregnant could seriously injure the baby (look up alcohol fetal syndrom).
Also if it is your child and she choses to keep it, you will have to bring your A game to take care of your little one so this does not happen to your kid.
Ps: If you are going to continue to be intimate with her I would seriously advise you to use a rubber. She obviously cannot be trusted to be responsible with birth control and god knows what STD she could catch during her drunken escapades with her ex and others .

Pia

Gosh if it was me I would tell her you decided to do something else.

Check out the book Codependent no More How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie . I have the book and Audio. I love the Audio because I can take it in my vehicle and listen as i'm driving some where instead of listening to the radio.

There are activities that you do and you will gain insight about your feelings and how to help yourself.

I can tell deep down you want to help her, but you need to help yourself.

NotPoet

Well, she called and was dealing with her kid so we didn't really get to talk. I basically sat there in silence for 10 minutes.

Sigh.

I did what hammer suggested and sent her a brief message thanking her for the food and telling her I love her.

AnvilheadII

first, you do not HAVE to respond. nor do you have to alter your day simply because her drinking buddy is coming over later and she doesn't want you interfering with her drinking. you ARE getting shuffled. you are NOT her priority. she's yanking your chain.

you wanna see the REAL her? start using the word NO. no, no thank you, no that doesn't work for me. no, i'm not coming over right after work.

I basically sat there in silence for 10 minutes. next time HANG UP. if she can't manage her time and while trying to "deal" with her child attempts to have a phone conversation, you are not required to sit and wait!!!!

Fandy

what is so wonderful and attractive about a woman who *thinks* she is pregnant and is drinking KNOWING it can harm her fetus? REALLY? If her father "is in the medical field" she should have some respect

what is so wonderful and attractive about a woman who outright LIES to you about her marital status and jerks your chain?

and really what is so wonderful and attractive about a woman who takes off from her responsibilites to leave HER CHILD and goes off on a MONTH LONG BENDER? then comes back with a load of bull-oney and bruises and tells you that you are going to be a father?

and you believe all of this? She is playing you, I'm sorry but she is irresponsible. If this child is born with
FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME.... what are you going to do while she drinks?

i hope you think long and hard about this, because you are opening the trapdoor to hell.

NotPoet

It tends to be whenever I don't say much [we text a lot, simpler for me at work] she starts blowing my phone up.

Typical behavior? positive sign? Neither positive or negative?

NotPoet

Don't worry, I've spent pretty much every spare moment thinking about it. Like I said, it's not simple for me. I know it seems it should be that way, and perhaps it should, but it's not.

Her father is part of the problem and enables her behavior. That family is a wash to me.

Carlotta

It's called drunk dialing aka "Oy Vey! My prey might be escaping my clutches, let's reel him back in."
Look up Mr Number. It is a free app which allows you to block people temporarily or permanently. You can send their calls and texts to voicemail or set it up so it just hangs up on them.
I love that app, call it my codie app

AnvilheadII

would this be different if she had not thrown the "might be pregnant" hook into the mix?

as far as the blowing up your phone...sigh.....it's another effort to keep you under control. you don't have to ANSWER.

Carlotta

Fandy

put on your sneakers and jump off the train that is headed straight to Crazytown...when you hit the ground, RUN AWAY FAST.

I gather from your postings that you are still rather young...probably a very nice guy and she can manipulate you by a phone call. I don't care if she is "dealing with her kid"...the POLITE thing to do when this happens is apologize to the caller, call them back after you have attended to child. leaving you hanging is what she does best.

do you REALLY think that she is going to choose YOU over the family that enables her, supports her and babysits? allowing her to party and do what she likes best?

Hammer

omigod.

The N word?

That is going to be like pushing the Big Red Button on the H-Bomb.

Florence

"Sorry, I'm busy tonight at that time!" Then change your number.

I'm kidding, but not really.

Before you spin out of control here, a quick question: What in this situation/relationship looks like a *good* idea? How many of these *good* things are your feelings?

It sounds like she's not very considerate of your feelings (or stable, or nice). Addiction or no addiction, I will never again enter a relationship with someone who is flippant about my feelings, time, plans, and monies.

I wouldn't make this more complex than it is.

suki44883

After three negative pregnancy tests, I'm pretty sure you can forget about her being pregnant. It's a good thing, too, since she doesn't take very good care of the child she already has.

This woman is using you and will continue to use you until you scrape up enough backbone to say enough and cease all communication with her.

atalose

At this moment she wants your attention that's why she's blowing up your phone. You didn't give her the attention she wanted when she brought you lunch so now she is demanding it via the phone.

As hard and as hurtfull as it is and your struggling to accept it, she made other plans tonight plans that no doubt involve drinking which is clearly more important to her then having a nice evening with you.

And you are dancing around a response to that, unsure on wht to say and looking for a way via addiction to excuse away unacceptable behavior.

If she were another friend who blew you off how would you respond?

NotPoet

In fairness, if she's pregnant, the tests wouldn't show positive for another few days. The tests have mostly been "just in case" type things.

I don't disagree that manipulation is occurring and that she has deep issues. I'm trying to sort out the spaghetti mess in my head. I know you are all trying to be helpful, and you are, but as you probably all know by experience, this is hard and I'm trying my best to do what is right.


She's being apologetic now. Oy vey.

NotPoet

Is there any benefit whatsoever to confronting her about her drinking friend?

atalose

NO, first of all never try and get between an addict snd their drug of choice, it never ends well.

Second, her drinking friend isn't the problem, she is.

NotPoet

Fair and fair.