Wisconsin

This ain't her first rodeo. I suspect she will be very mindful of the times you said you would be available.

Way to go, my friend! This is such a huge, positive step!

Sadconfused

I knew I would feel good after calling but I really didnt expect this. I feel like I just won something amazing. I feel like taking more and more steps now if they are going to feel like this after I have done it. I have a few errands to run and I am hoping to get out of here before he gets here so he wont tag along. I really want to blare some music and just enjoy this feeling while I can. Thank you all again for all of the support, Your words are worth so much to me.

Charmed3

Sad - Of course you know that everyone here either feels or has felt the same emotions you are having right now.

This is my 3rd time going through this with AH. I let him come back after rehab, he relapsed I left for a year and then let him convince me that he had accepted that he is an alcoholic and could NEVER drink again. The words I so longed to hear, and so I came back for round 3. (hence charmed3 or the 3rd time is the charm)

Because my family and friends helped twice before I kept quiet this time. Praying for a miracle. I stayed locked in the bedroom most the time I was home, cried myself to sleep every night, woke every day with dark circles under my eyes, told no one what was going on and even quit answering the phone or calling people back.

I was sad, lonely, depressed, full of anxiety and miserable. But when it became too much and I could take no more, I called my sister and then my best friend. Once I opened up, it was like the damn broke and it all came flooding out. Truthfully, once that happened I started getting better.

So happy you are making those calls. You will open up on your terms and in the time frame you are ready. And when you do, you will feel so much better.

Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your daughter.

Sadconfused

A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans (Lyrics) - YouTube



This song is what I am going to start playing non stop everytime I feel stuck and defeated.

firebolt

A LOT has changed and will continue to change. Give yourself a BIG pat on the back. The step you just took isn't easy - for anyone - but you did it! You should be very proud of yourself. One seemingly small move can change everything about your future - starting with your outlook on it! Enjoy the feel good wave and ride it out - you deserve it!!

dandylion

OH, SadConfused, I am so proud of you, too!! Making those calls IS a major accomplishment. 'cause making those first calls are the hardest part--but, you did it.

The courage within you came forth just when you needed it to!!!!!

I like the phrase that yo used---"the desire to keep fighting and take back what's mine".

You are going to do this, girl--like so many other brave and strong women before you.

Keep posting. We are here with you.

dandylion

amy55

SadConfused,

I am so happy for you. When I logged in today, I came right here to check on you. This just made my day.

Sadconfused

Thanks everyone, I am still pretty proud of myself but I have a lot to do today and I am nervous for her to call back. For some reason I feel like she wont call back, not sure why but it has me on edge. I have an appointment with the SNAP Food assistance place at 10 so that will be one more worry off my mind. At least I will know I have a way to keep me and her fed.

I told him last night that I was going to start some sort of counselling. I wanted to see what his reaction would be. I assumed he would get mad. He didnt, just said ok but it did seem to irritate him. He is trying to be nice, I am not accepting it. Im not being mean or anything but I did straight up tell him that I have little faith in anything he says and if he wants me to believe him than he needs to make me do so with actions not words. I swear he can sense me gaining a little self worth and confidence as easily as I can sense his anger and tension because he always turns up the sweet talking game right as I am taking more steps to help myself get better. Im not listening this time. My hopes are that if I can attend some counselling and keep working on me that the next time he does wrong I will be strong enough to leave or call the cops. I am really done believing that he might change, I am going to focus on what I can do for me and my kid. I am sure I will still have waves of feeling bad for him but I think I might be able to talk myself down a little better now. I hope so anyways.

I will be back on later to update after I get everything done. Have a good day all.

funkynassau

You are making progress even if you dont think so. If you can follow thru with the lady who will call you, you can make more progress and eventually get on with your life! Your child deserves a good life too. Congrats on taking those first important steps to moving on!

Have you contacted Al Anon yet? They can probably offer good help to you.

dandylion

Sadconfused--just posting this a.m. to let you know that you are in my thoughts, today.

Let us know how it is going (when you can).

dandylion

amy55

You are sounding so much better today. I'm seeing the strength in you, just step by step, baby steps if they must be, but it is making so much of a difference.

Waiting for that phone call is really hard, so I would also recommend a follow up phone call. She may be there to pick up the phone, if not she will know that you are eagerly awaiting to here from her.

Here for you. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Good luck at SNAP today, just remember you have a lot of us in the room with you right now.

Sadconfused

Just got back in from the SNAP office, i got approved and because i dont have a job i qualified to have it expedited and got approved instantly. My card should be in this time next week so that is awesome news. Still nothing from the local outreach lady, i am going to try calling her back after lunch. I have a list of local al anon meetings, its hard for me to go because i dont have much help childcare wise and i dont think i would want to take her with me but maybe i can work something out eventually.

Its weird, i feel good for the most part. Very productive and i know i am doing what i have to do to protect me and her but i keep having to fight off these waves of nervousness and stomach turning anxiety like i am doing something wrong. I think it is just his non sense trying to work its way into my head. I am really shocked that it is so engrained in me to do what i think he would think is right. Pretty sad.

SparkleKitty

That feeling you are feeling is called Self-Empowerment! And it is addictive!

amy55

Wow, that is terrific !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is he coming home for lunch today? If he is shut your phone off, also add the number that you called to your contacts, and give it a female name, then call her back after lunch.

Oh, and tell his voice to get out of your head. (lol). I had those voices in my head for a long time also.

Sadconfused

Grr, stupid phone ate my post. Yea he always comes home for lunch. She called, her phone was cutting out pretty bad so she is suppose to call me back later so we can set up something to meet and start counselling. It is a group thing but she said she could also get me into some one on one. She tried to do tuesday at 5 but i explained that i was more comfortable doing something while he was busy at work and she was completely understanding. I am actually kinda looking forward to her calling back, she was nice.

If i turn my phone off he will instantly think something is up concerning the other guy. I typically just let my daughter play on it when he is around because she doesnt give it up easily. That sounds bad but yea. Balls are rolling and my spirit is up, now i just got to keep it that way. I will update when i hear back from her.

Sadconfused

I do feel that, its pretty amazing and i agree adictive. I will happily keep that feeling for the rest of my life. I feel like i actually have a little more control and i have all this help ready and waiting for me to take it. Eye opening forsure.

amy55

I'm so glad that you "clicked" with her. You are sounding so much better.

When you talk to her today, ask her what you should be doing in the meantime. I know how empowering all of this is, and I am so happy for you, just keep it to yourself right now. Don't let him think that anything is changing.



and thank you for the updates, I care so much for you and your daughter

Sadconfused

Still havent heard back from her, eagerly waiting. He just left and my stomach is turning. He is like the plague or something. Just being around him has this crappy effect on my mood. I feel so uneasy and restless when he is around. I typically just clean so i dont have to interact but it still brings this fog over my thoughts. 12 yrs of being with him and for the first time I can honestly somewhat step back and see how screwed up our relationship is, how messed up the grip he has on me is. I think i can keep reminding myself of this. I was always scared of not being able to make it alone but ive been alone this whole time. I was alone when i had our daughter, when i was working and taking care of her as a newborn, all the appointments, when me and her were both sick and he was too busy drinking and playing his game to help, and all those nights he thought he had the right to show me he could take my life if he wanted too. I feel better, i know i have one hell of a rd in front of me but i thinkbi can make it. I have a chance at least.

I have been normal as i can be around him and only let on about the counselling. He is being all nice and lovely which just gets met with my usual yea sure you do or whatever comments. I know the niceness wont last long and the jerk will resurface soon. Accepting that no matter
what i do, i can sit here and be as perfect as a person could ever be and he will still be the same drunken angry unhappy insecure person he is because nothing i do can change that for him, he has too just like i am trying to do for myself has really helped a lot. I always knew that but could never really make myself believe it for some reason. Duh moment lol. I am going to go wash my Jeep with my kid, wait on her to call, enjoy my good mood and try and decide on my next step.

Wisconsin

SC, I was talking with my BFF neighbor the other day, and she made a comment to me about how quickly everything moves when you're finally at the end of your rope. You've spent years with this, and now that you've decided to make some big changes, things are snowballing (including your self-esteem)! I am so inspired by how you are moving forward. ((hugs))

Sadconfused

This feels very true to me right now. I have spent some much time daydreaming, praying, and wishing. Thinking about how things could or should be but never felt like i could do anything. Yesterday i really hit my bottom, i have never felt like giving up and dying would easier than living in my 27 yrs here. I thought yesterday if i dont do something fast i am going to end up in a really bad place and i dont want to be there, i dont have too. I can do something to prevent that. I finally hit the point of believing i dont have a choice but to do something. I am seriously in a kinda shocked state, i cant believe i am doing it. Without this forum i probably never would have.