Still havent heard back from her, eagerly waiting. He just left and my stomach is turning. He is like the plague or something. Just being around him has this crappy effect on my mood. I feel so uneasy and restless when he is around. I typically just clean so i dont have to interact but it still brings this fog over my thoughts. 12 yrs of being with him and for the first time I can honestly somewhat step back and see how screwed up our relationship is, how messed up the grip he has on me is. I think i can keep reminding myself of this. I was always scared of not being able to make it alone but ive been alone this whole time. I was alone when i had our daughter, when i was working and taking care of her as a newborn, all the appointments, when me and her were both sick and he was too busy drinking and playing his game to help, and all those nights he thought he had the right to show me he could take my life if he wanted too. I feel better, i know i have one hell of a rd in front of me but i thinkbi can make it. I have a chance at least.
I have been normal as i can be around him and only let on about the counselling. He is being all nice and lovely which just gets met with my usual yea sure you do or whatever comments. I know the niceness wont last long and the jerk will resurface soon. Accepting that no matter
what i do, i can sit here and be as perfect as a person could ever be and he will still be the same drunken angry unhappy insecure person he is because nothing i do can change that for him, he has too just like i am trying to do for myself has really helped a lot. I always knew that but could never really make myself believe it for some reason. Duh moment lol. I am going to go wash my Jeep with my kid, wait on her to call, enjoy my good mood and try and decide on my next step.