So if you wanted to meet healthy men to go out with...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I wouldn't say I put out a needy vibe, but I still attract the A's. Problem is, I attract the narcissistic type of A. I can spot them a mile away, so I tune them out. As soon as I do that, I guess they see it as a challenge because then they pour on the charm. You know, the type that can't stand to be rejected because they're so full of themselves so they won't back off? Blech.
I agree. Confidence attracts healthy men. My biggest problem is that once I start dating a healthy guy, I am the one who breaks up. I get bored. You'd think by now, after a marriage to an alcoholic and then a 5-year roller coaster relationship with another one, I would welcome boredom. My picker has gotten better, but I still haven't learned how to appreciate the good ones when I have them. I keep waiting for a good one to come along that will keep my engine running, so to speak.
I agree. Confidence attracts healthy men. My biggest problem is that once I start dating a healthy guy, I am the one who breaks up. I get bored. You'd think by now, after a marriage to an alcoholic and then a 5-year roller coaster relationship with another one, I would welcome boredom. My picker has gotten better, but I still haven't learned how to appreciate the good ones when I have them. I keep waiting for a good one to come along that will keep my engine running, so to speak.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
HWC,
I am in a similar boat as you. Wondering why I'm on my 3rd A relationship after a long 22 year marriage to a normal guy.
I just read something (could have been from here) about how we choose the opposite of who we are but who fits us like a lock and key.
The A/Codie relationship works perfectly that way.
So, you would be attracting those to you that fit your lock, whatever it is.
Question is, how do you change your lock so those keys can't ever, ever, ever work in it again?
I thought I had that one figured out until I realized I was still using the same lock.
What I need is a good locksmith...
I am in a similar boat as you. Wondering why I'm on my 3rd A relationship after a long 22 year marriage to a normal guy.
I just read something (could have been from here) about how we choose the opposite of who we are but who fits us like a lock and key.
The A/Codie relationship works perfectly that way.
So, you would be attracting those to you that fit your lock, whatever it is.
Question is, how do you change your lock so those keys can't ever, ever, ever work in it again?
I thought I had that one figured out until I realized I was still using the same lock.
What I need is a good locksmith...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Hammer 
See YOU have an advantage -- being from the AA side of the house, and all.
You all can figure out what you want, when you want
in fact you all are SO Good at knowing what, when, where, you want, you all can even become addicted to it. Seems to *us* that you all ready know the When you want is NOW, and the Where is RIGHT HERE will do.
H O W E V E R.
On the Other Side of the Wall -- In the Alanon Room.
We do not have such certainty. We sit on our hands bemoaning our condition.
You all can figure out what you want, when you want
in fact you all are SO Good at knowing what, when, where, you want, you all can even become addicted to it. Seems to *us* that you all ready know the When you want is NOW, and the Where is RIGHT HERE will do.
H O W E V E R.
On the Other Side of the Wall -- In the Alanon Room.
We do not have such certainty. We sit on our hands bemoaning our condition.
Awhile back, I made a thread saying how the A's "have it easy"...THIS right here is kind of what I meant.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
I've always believed you meet the right people when you least expect it. I think that if you're actively looking you fall for the wrong types. I'd keep living my life, going to work and staying active in church or groups and one day, when you don't expect it, you'll meet that special person. It may be through friends or a random encounter.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
HWC,
I am in a similar boat as you. Wondering why I'm on my 3rd A relationship after a long 22 year marriage to a normal guy.
I just read something (could have been from here) about how we choose the opposite of who we are but who fits us like a lock and key.
The A/Codie relationship works perfectly that way.
So, you would be attracting those to you that fit your lock, whatever it is.
Question is, how do you change your lock so those keys can't ever, ever, ever work in it again?
I thought I had that one figured out until I realized I was still using the same lock.
What I need is a good locksmith...
I am in a similar boat as you. Wondering why I'm on my 3rd A relationship after a long 22 year marriage to a normal guy.
I just read something (could have been from here) about how we choose the opposite of who we are but who fits us like a lock and key.
The A/Codie relationship works perfectly that way.
So, you would be attracting those to you that fit your lock, whatever it is.
Question is, how do you change your lock so those keys can't ever, ever, ever work in it again?
I thought I had that one figured out until I realized I was still using the same lock.
What I need is a good locksmith...
I think I finally have my lock changed. I was able to do that once I figured out I was looking for someone just like my alcoholic father who would love me and not leave me. Yeah, like that was going to make me all better. Not so much.
Now I'm finding guys with the right keys to fit my new lock, but I just keep showing them out the door. My picker is fixed...it's my keeper that's broken. Not sure why that is yet, but hopefully it's because my Mr. Amazing is still out there.
Truthfully, I'm okay with that for now. My happiness isn't dependent on one other human soul besides mine and it feels good to know and accept that. Just patiently waiting for the day when the real deal shows up. I'm not looking...just going about my life, living it happily, trusting that whatever is meant to be will be.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Thinking about this all a bit.
I guess I am kind of like a Stepford Husband or something. Or at least have been for a Long Time. Just pre-programmed to please and serve.
When I see you all talk about Picking This or Picking That, it does not really make any sense to me personally. I do not actually pick anything.
I usually would just be sitting, or doing whatever, maybe wishing I had a woman, and one comes along and says -- You Will Do. That really is exactly how it happens.
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up, and my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
Whatever they do, want or say, I just try to make it so, and to please them. I guess that is why I tend to get high ratings in the performance and pleasure regards. Just exist to serve. And to me that is "Love" and the happiest possible state of being.
When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab I heard from multiple terms and sources that I had been being her "Daddy." We would pretty much do whatever she would want or say. The call out on me was that I Enabled and made her Dependent. And in turn she pretty much blamed me for everything wrong with her. Mental Issues, Eating Disorder, on and on.
From the Alanon and real life observation, I came to understand that my Enabling and helping her Dependency was harmful to both of us. So I started to pull back some, and she became Enraged. That is pretty much how things have been since.
Strange part, I already know that if I were somehow post-Mrs. Hammer, I would likely be sitting on some park bench, like Forrest Gump. And some woman would come along and say, "You will do," and I would go right back to --
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
It is like I am just some dumb lost dog, wanting to be taken home and loved.
I guess I am kind of like a Stepford Husband or something. Or at least have been for a Long Time. Just pre-programmed to please and serve.
When I see you all talk about Picking This or Picking That, it does not really make any sense to me personally. I do not actually pick anything.
I usually would just be sitting, or doing whatever, maybe wishing I had a woman, and one comes along and says -- You Will Do. That really is exactly how it happens.
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up, and my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
Whatever they do, want or say, I just try to make it so, and to please them. I guess that is why I tend to get high ratings in the performance and pleasure regards. Just exist to serve. And to me that is "Love" and the happiest possible state of being.
When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab I heard from multiple terms and sources that I had been being her "Daddy." We would pretty much do whatever she would want or say. The call out on me was that I Enabled and made her Dependent. And in turn she pretty much blamed me for everything wrong with her. Mental Issues, Eating Disorder, on and on.
From the Alanon and real life observation, I came to understand that my Enabling and helping her Dependency was harmful to both of us. So I started to pull back some, and she became Enraged. That is pretty much how things have been since.
Strange part, I already know that if I were somehow post-Mrs. Hammer, I would likely be sitting on some park bench, like Forrest Gump. And some woman would come along and say, "You will do," and I would go right back to --
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
It is like I am just some dumb lost dog, wanting to be taken home and loved.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Hammer
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up, and my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
Whatever they do, want or say, I just try to make it so, and to please them. I guess that is why I tend to get high ratings in the performance and pleasure regards. Just exist to serve. And to me that is "Love" and the happiest possible state of being.
So...why? Why Post-Mrs. Hammer would you still be this way? As much as you have worked on your own recovery, I just can't believe you still see yourself this way. Honestly?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by choublak
THIS.
Awhile back, I made a thread saying how the A's "have it easy"...THIS right here is kind of what I meant.
Awhile back, I made a thread saying how the A's "have it easy"...THIS right here is kind of what I meant.
I went over to our near meeting house today, and folks were waiting because no one had signed up to chair. I knew where the key was, and there were a couple of New Folks. I opened things up and since I am supposed to be doing what I would not normally do and I would normally duck chairing -- I chaired and made it a partly Newcomer's meeting.
Just bumbling and laughing my way through chairing the meeting, and I felt one Zeroing on me -- which is not typical Alanon. Later she was talking to me, and I was just slipping into the paralyzed target thing. Turned out she was "from the other side." (AA) Yep.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
Codependency at its finest right there. We aim to please, don't we?
I could just exist to please them, right?
And they could just be pleased and happy with me.
But no "normal" would want me because of that, right?
ooohhhh. I can feel the bottom is falling out of (already low) self-esteem tank -- the gauge is just spiraling down. Better stop this here, for now.
So...why? Why Post-Mrs. Hammer would you still be this way? As much as you have worked on your own recovery, I just can't believe you still see yourself this way. Honestly?
You follow the Program I am running?
It is sadly Not a Joke that I tell the kids that Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
I exist to serve them, now.
I am just switching my Codependency of Choice.
Lotta Work Ahead, maybe.
Dunno. Going to turn my computer over to the kids to play Minecraft and go read my Steps Homework.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Hammer
Thinking about this all a bit.
I guess I am kind of like a Stepford Husband or something. Or at least have been for a Long Time. Just pre-programmed to please and serve.
When I see you all talk about Picking This or Picking That, it does not really make any sense to me personally. I do not actually pick anything.
I usually would just be sitting, or doing whatever, maybe wishing I had a woman, and one comes along and says -- You Will Do. That really is exactly how it happens.
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up, and my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
Whatever they do, want or say, I just try to make it so, and to please them. I guess that is why I tend to get high ratings in the performance and pleasure regards. Just exist to serve. And to me that is "Love" and the happiest possible state of being.
When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab I heard from multiple terms and sources that I had been being her "Daddy." We would pretty much do whatever she would want or say. The call out on me was that I Enabled and made her Dependent. And in turn she pretty much blamed me for everything wrong with her. Mental Issues, Eating Disorder, on and on.
From the Alanon and real life observation, I came to understand that my Enabling and helping her Dependency was harmful to both of us. So I started to pull back some, and she became Enraged. That is pretty much how things have been since.
Strange part, I already know that if I were somehow post-Mrs. Hammer, I would likely be sitting on some park bench, like Forrest Gump. And some woman would come along and say, "You will do," and I would go right back to --
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
It is like I am just some dumb lost dog, wanting to be taken home and loved.
I guess I am kind of like a Stepford Husband or something. Or at least have been for a Long Time. Just pre-programmed to please and serve.
When I see you all talk about Picking This or Picking That, it does not really make any sense to me personally. I do not actually pick anything.
I usually would just be sitting, or doing whatever, maybe wishing I had a woman, and one comes along and says -- You Will Do. That really is exactly how it happens.
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up, and my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
Whatever they do, want or say, I just try to make it so, and to please them. I guess that is why I tend to get high ratings in the performance and pleasure regards. Just exist to serve. And to me that is "Love" and the happiest possible state of being.
When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab I heard from multiple terms and sources that I had been being her "Daddy." We would pretty much do whatever she would want or say. The call out on me was that I Enabled and made her Dependent. And in turn she pretty much blamed me for everything wrong with her. Mental Issues, Eating Disorder, on and on.
From the Alanon and real life observation, I came to understand that my Enabling and helping her Dependency was harmful to both of us. So I started to pull back some, and she became Enraged. That is pretty much how things have been since.
Strange part, I already know that if I were somehow post-Mrs. Hammer, I would likely be sitting on some park bench, like Forrest Gump. And some woman would come along and say, "You will do," and I would go right back to --
I just look at them, and it is like my ideal of Beauty becomes "re-programmed" to them, as they are. My eyes light up my head tilts, and I just sort of say, "I am truly honored to be selected by you. How may I serve you?"
It is like I am just some dumb lost dog, wanting to be taken home and loved.
I totally understand what you are saying and I'm so much like that. I've said before here that people wander into my life, and there they stay until they wander out. I didn't have any criteria for the people that wandered in or stayed around. I never cut anyone out (so when I decided to get divorced I thought I might implode from all the anxiety). One of the hardest tasks I ever did at my counselors request was to write a list of what I needed from someone. I had no idea. I'd never asked for my needs to be met by anyone and didn't know what they were anyway.
I made some choices that were good for me and my family in many ways but they do not make my personal life (ie the non parenting part) easy at all. I'm also at an age where many people are empty nesting and I've got four little kids with no co-parent so no weekends off. Just not a good fit for lots of people. It is what it is. There is good and bad sides to every choice.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Hammer
I guess so. But that would be okay with a "normal" woman right?
I could just exist to please them, right?
And they could just be pleased and happy with me.
But no "normal" would want me because of that, right?
ooohhhh. I can feel the bottom is falling out of (already low) self-esteem tank -- the gauge is just spiraling down. Better stop this here, for now.
I have not Even Touched this area At All.
You follow the Program I am running?
It is sadly Not a Joke that I tell the kids that Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
I exist to serve them, now.
I am just switching my Codependency of Choice.
Lotta Work Ahead, maybe.
Dunno. Going to turn my computer over to the kids to play Minecraft and go read my Steps Homework.
I could just exist to please them, right?
And they could just be pleased and happy with me.
But no "normal" would want me because of that, right?
ooohhhh. I can feel the bottom is falling out of (already low) self-esteem tank -- the gauge is just spiraling down. Better stop this here, for now.
I have not Even Touched this area At All.
You follow the Program I am running?
It is sadly Not a Joke that I tell the kids that Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
I exist to serve them, now.
I am just switching my Codependency of Choice.
Lotta Work Ahead, maybe.
Dunno. Going to turn my computer over to the kids to play Minecraft and go read my Steps Homework.
What I really was trying to say was this...you've done so much work on you that maybe you're not really that guy anymore...the guy whose head tilts, eyes light up, and you simply accept what's in front of you because you're available. I was trying to say, "I think you need to give yourself more credit for all the growing you've done!" Put your right hand in the air, raise your left hand, and give yourself a high five. Then pat yourself on the back. And then remind yourself how far you've come.
So, yes, with a "normal" (I prefer the term "healthy") woman it's good to aim to please. Because with two healthy partners, there is so much "healthy" oozing from each of them, there is no need to try to fill the other's tank. Aiming to please is just, well...pleasurable. It allows one to give without motive.
And, yes, you could just exist to please someone as long as you're: a) taking care of yourself first; and b) they are already so healthy that your service is just icing on the cake.
And, yes, a healthy woman could just be pleased and happy with you. Heck, yes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by Hammer
I guess so. But that would be okay with a "normal" woman right?
I could just exist to please them, right?
And they could just be pleased and happy with me.
But no "normal" would want me because of that, right?
ooohhhh. I can feel the bottom is falling out of (already low) self-esteem tank -- the gauge is just spiraling down. Better stop this here, for now.
I have not Even Touched this area At All.
You follow the Program I am running?
It is sadly Not a Joke that I tell the kids that Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
I exist to serve them, now.
I am just switching my Codependency of Choice.
Lotta Work Ahead, maybe.
Dunno. Going to turn my computer over to the kids to play Minecraft and go read my Steps Homework.
I could just exist to please them, right?
And they could just be pleased and happy with me.
But no "normal" would want me because of that, right?
ooohhhh. I can feel the bottom is falling out of (already low) self-esteem tank -- the gauge is just spiraling down. Better stop this here, for now.
I have not Even Touched this area At All.
You follow the Program I am running?
It is sadly Not a Joke that I tell the kids that Alanon is the Good Daddy Club.
I exist to serve them, now.
I am just switching my Codependency of Choice.
Lotta Work Ahead, maybe.
Dunno. Going to turn my computer over to the kids to play Minecraft and go read my Steps Homework.
2. You don't need a woman - normal or crazy, you just don't need one. Since I know you're big on steps, my counselor keeps telling me that awareness of our own behaviors is STEP number 1. You're aware of what is going on and what you're doing. That is HUGE! A normal woman won't accept you as you are with Mrs. Hammer now and I think you'll find that with time apart you'll probably stop the bad habits that you're becoming aware of and with all the work you're doing on yourself you'll stop yourself if you ever reverted back to them. Also, I imagine that you can spot a BPD person from a mile away now. So you're good on that front.
3. You're a good guy, Hammer. Cut yourself some slack and go a little easier on yourself. This getting better stuff is tough but it's well worth it.
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