KatieT

My bf and I have been together 3 years, living together for 1.

I've never had a relationship of any kind with an alcoholic so I feel like I am very remiss seeing and understanding what is happening and the associated impacts.

I guess my bf always drank but about a year and half ago it began to escalate. It has caused us numerous relationship issues and I am at the point of leaving. But I'm having trouble doing so.

He drinks one of the big handle bottle of vodka's every 2 days. He is drinking about 4 of those bottles a week. He is 39 and is blessed with healthy genes but this is really taking a toll on him. He doesn't sleep through the night, his stomach is bloated yet as far as i can tell he under eats. He is incredibly forgetful and when provoked, or feels he's been provoked flies into a rage.

His work called him on it and ordered him to come back to work in a week after he detoxed. i took off work to be with him and he used meds from the dr through the worst of it. He came through it ok but I knew the work was just beginning. I could see that he felt uncomfortable in his own body. I was scared, hopeful and proud of him. It lasted less than two weeks. i went away for work for a weekend and when I got back and walked into the bedroom, I saw the vodka bottle by the bed. Where it was every night. I was heartbroken.

This was about two weeks ago. It's back to the old routine. I feel paralyzed and miserable.

To weaken me further..

We got into an argument a few nights ago because he forgot that i deposited money into the account. When I persisted in nagging him to look on the computer with me to see that I had made it he wouldn't, i persisted, he threatened to call the police and have me removed from our home and then did.

I was not abusive to him in any way I just wouldn't STFU as he kept saying. It hurt to be accused of lying and I was dreading laying awake all night torn up about it. I thought we could solve it and that we should be able to.

He went outside and waited for the police. 3 cars showed up, one came in to talk to me. He was polite. I told him that we were arguing over money and that it wasn't physical. I told him that he would never hit me and that he was a good man. I told him that he had recently fallen off the wagon. He counseled me a little and then left.

My boyfriend came back in, I told him that he was wrong to do what he did. i left then. i slept an hour or two, cried all night.

i came back the next afternoon after several phone calls from him and me believing that he regretted taking such drastic measures.

But i can't get over what he did. I was humiliated. I was in no way a threat. Now I have this call recorded forever. It doesn't matter that it was a bogus call, what matters is that someone felt they had to call the police on me. Everyone would wonder what awful thing i did.

He also called the police on our building manager when he wouldn't talk to him (he's afraid of my bf)

I have tried to talk to him since i came home but he just gets mad and says that I got what i deserved.

i tried to tell him that I don't feel safe in my home or with him is he thinks calling the authorities to silence me is an option..

Since I've been home he has pressured me into sex, yelled at me or became angry when I asked to sleep or relax..

There is so much.. and I know leaving is so easy, but it's so hard to leave someone you love when you know the good man that is there.

But I can't stand to see him. I am so angry that he put me through such humiliation. I am a private person and don't get into trouble with the law. i make it one of my life rules since childhood.

i feel awful inside and have such strong urges to flee, but then i am overwhelmed with the thought of losing him.

If anyone wants to offer perspectives, or just talk to me. I have no support around me.

iwanthappiness

Just curious.......what makes him a "good" man? I found myself guilty of the same "lowering my expectations of how I should be treated."

What is your gut telling you? Not your heart, your gut?

Food for thought......and hugs!

DoubleBarrel

If you can summon the strength to leave, and give yourself time, you will ultimately see that you were deep in a very abusive and horrible situation.

He might have good traits, but he is NOT a good person when he drinks.

Since he is drinking, you need to take care of yourself. You arent married, and you don't have kids with this man, yet, right?

If that is true, and you don't leave, you are choosing to be a victim.

KatieT

Hi, thanks (: yes, i have lowered my expectations of how i should be treated, no one has ever spoken to me the way he has and I'm surprised how STFU hurts so much less than when he said it the first time. It's all those little things that add up and before you know it you are accepting behavior you would never accept from a stranger, much less, someone who is supposed to love and care.

What makes him a good man is what I see when i separate the alcoholism from the man. He is tender, giving, loyal, generous and wants to do the right thing.

My gut says i should cut my losses and leave. My heart is another matter.

iwanthappiness

I have found that when I followed my heart (with an active A), I really kept drowning myself in fear, misery, confusion, sadness, anger, etc, etc, etc. I really had to ask myself, "Is this what I want out of life?"

What is holding you there? There are PLENTY of other men. I know, easier said than done, but it sounds like your in a terrible situation to me. I recently separated from my AH of 18 years and believe me, it was one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make. But being away does clear your head and allow you to put things in perspective.

Just my opinion, but I would RUN. You have support here!

Danae

I think you've already lost him. Your leaving won't be what severs the connection, he's already accomplished that.

So sorry about what you are going through.

KatieT

Hi DB, no not married, no kids. When I left the other day I only came back because I thought he regretted putting me through that. Later, he says i deserved it and he'd do it again.

I am sorry that I came back and I'm now thinking about where to stay and what to bring.

Thank you for your thoughts. I know you are right.

Florence

Wow, this is a lot to process. Welcome and I'm glad you found this site. There is a ton of experience and support here.

There are a few saying we work with on SR. One of them is the 3 C's: You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this. Another one is "feelings aren't facts."

Your facts and feelings are slamming up against each other right now. My suggestion is that you set your feelings aside and look at what you've said in this pullquote above. He used the cops to make you shut up. He says you got what you deserve. He's forced you into coercive sex. He humiliated you. He made you go against your own values. He won't let you sleep when you need to. He's telling other people in your life untrue things about you. Feelings aside, this has become an abusive relationship. From what you're saying, he's not apt to step back and apologize and realize the errors of his ways.

Something I had to work through when I first started all this was that the "good man" I used to know and the "bad man" I knew now were actually all the same guy. It was further driven home when my AH was able to quit drinking for awhile and the bad behavior continued. Jekyll and Hyde were the same guy, same body. One came with the other.

iwanthappiness

Do you have a local women's shelter you can call? They can give excellent advise.

KatieT

yup, it is like drowning in a multitude of negative thoughts and feelings. I don't seem to trust myself.. I feel allot of self-doubt. I also feel so guilty, like leaving him when I know he isn't well is not loving, but after the whole police thing.. maybe i should nurture the anger i feel about that long enough to get me out. i was feeling like it was partly my fault because i wouldn't STFU when i knew he couldn't manage the conflict. Believing his words that I deserved it.

i'm so sorry that you went through it, and for so long. Thank you for your thoughts and sharing

KatieT

There is one about 35 miles away. I will check into that as an option. Thank you.

m1k3

Katie, he is showing you who he really is. That abusive drunken person is the real him.

Another thing to remember is that it is going to get worse unless HE commits to recovery which at this point it doesn't seem likely.

Your friend,

marie1960

Using the Police Department as a means of trying to Shut YOU up, and control the situation, very, very stupid on his part.

If it were me, and experienced what you just did, I would be searching for a new address.

While you handled yourself very well in this situation, and obviously the cops treated you with respect, this could have had a much different outcome.

Domestic disturbances can result in one of the people going to jail. That equates to a 50% chance it may be you. What if he lied, and said you assaulted him? There is a member here at SR that ended up in jail for something of this nature. Is that worth it to you?

Once people start calling the police on each other, IMHO, it's time to move on.

His actions and words are abusive. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Maybe it's time to focus on you.

Also, you can choose not to engage in his nonsense........

KatieT

Thank you for the welcome and i'm glad i posted. I so appreciate all the kind words and honest, but caring advice I'm getting from each of the posters.

I just took one step and asked some guests that were going to stay with us for a few days to hold off. He would rather them not be here anyway and they wouldn't come without me here so that's a step. I feel bad canceling.

Generating strength, separating feelings from fact. I'm so so sad.

dandylion

Katie, I support you in calling the local shelter and explaining your situation to them. You will find them to be very compassionate and willing to help you in a variety of ways. In addition to emergency shelter and counseling--there are lots of other resources that are at their disposal that you might need. They will keep it confidential.

You are in an abusive situation---emotional abuse exists in various forms and is just as devestating as physical abuse. Frequently a person doesn't realize how bad it is until they are safely out of the situation. Living with abuse does an emotional "job" on you. Making you doubt yourself and eroding self-confidence---it is not unusual at all to feel "guilt" for things you are n ot guilty of.

Please keep reading here---esp. all the "stickies" at the top of the page.

And....keep posting. You are not the first to go through this....and you will get through this. Alcoholism is progressive and it will not get better--since he doesn't sound even close to recovery. Staying will not make it better.

You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

KatieT

Hi Marie, i was thinking the same thing, especially later. i am so grateful that the police chose to not escalate it. I was very careful with my wording not just for myself but because I was worried they would arrest him!

No it isn't worth it.

"Once people start calling the police on each other, IMHO, it's time to move on."

That is what struck me. i tried to tell him that before he did it. It is just a tool of power for him, not a true need for protection, which is what the police should be used for. It demolished any trust I have in him. i think this is what is compelling me to leave, helping past the overwhelming sense of loss of someone I love and the guilt of leaving.

Thank you so much..

CodeJob

KatieT-

Please be careful. He is not in his right mind so you really don't know if he 'would never hit you.' Do you know how to use car keys as a weapon or have some mace?

Why do you feel humiliated by the cops knowing about your situation? He is the relapsed A wasting police time on a nothing call. I would hope the police saw through the whole thing within 10 seconds of seeing you.

Personally I do not think you are in a safe situation with BF when he is actively drinking. What does he have on you to make you stay and put up with unacceptable behavior?

If you get brave, get out without drama and from the start of your plan I recommend no contact. Radio Silence across all platforms.

spiderqueen

Sometimes we call this coming out of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt), and it can be very painful. I know I felt a lot of shame and regret about my own behavior, and the things I put up with, in the name of love. It is sad, to let go of the dream of spending your life with someone, even when they have shown you that they are not loving partner material.

I am sorry for your pain, and I hope you can rally your real life support system, as well as hanging out here, posting and reading all you can.

choublak

What?

marie1960

KatieT, Oh sweetie, here he calls the cops on YOU and you are worried about HIM being hauled away to jail ? Your calm demeanor probably protected him, but you are the one I am concerned about. This is not a healthy situation for YOU.

When you are ready, you will begin to reclaim your life, you matter too , friend. Time to place the value on your own life, he obviously has no respect for you.

If an incident such as this happened to your best friend, sister, close relative, how would you advise them to proceed?