Take statements made while intoxicated with a grain of salt?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by marie1960 
" If how I live my life causes u anxiety then maybe you shouldn't be with me." manmust)
^^^^^^ this is some heavy duty manipulation, my friend. ^^^^^^^^
Let's shift all her Bullsh*t on you, so in her twisted mind she is squeaky clean. wow!
And the too exhausted to parent her child, how very selfish....... she needs to grow up. period.
Not a chance in hell I would waste my friday nite with her and her pity party.!!!
^^^^^^ this is some heavy duty manipulation, my friend. ^^^^^^^^
Let's shift all her Bullsh*t on you, so in her twisted mind she is squeaky clean. wow!
And the too exhausted to parent her child, how very selfish....... she needs to grow up. period.
Not a chance in hell I would waste my friday nite with her and her pity party.!!!
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
why when she was today (as she has been every other day from what i can tell) awful towards you, complains about how sucky HER weekend is going to be, yada yada, did YOU decide to invite her out to do something? you tell us in full detail what a honestly lousy person she is, how she treats you, her kids, the drinking (the ongoing daily drinking), how neglected you feel, how much crap you put up with
but then you turn around and invite this sour bitter woman who treats you SO poorly out on a date? your actions are as chaotic as hers. you seem to be under a spell or something.
haven't you seen this movie already???
but then you turn around and invite this sour bitter woman who treats you SO poorly out on a date? your actions are as chaotic as hers. you seem to be under a spell or something.
haven't you seen this movie already???
*puts head down*
Her actions are making me crazy. I see it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
better idea, go get her some boxes and packing tape.
you can't trick her into changing, MM. she doesn't WANT to.
not sure if you are familiar with the AA Preamble but it says in part:
If you want what WE have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, you are ready to take certain steps.
she doesn't want what you have or what AA has to offer - a sober life and lifestyle. she just plain don't. period. it doesn't sound like the selfish spoiled brat has much interest in anything - she's bored, she's tired, she's broke, she doesn't want to muster the energy to parent. well WAH. too bad sister. then she can just go take her woe is me schtick somewhere else. cuz it ain't helpful to what you are trying to do - raise children, in a happy healthy environment so that they become happy healthy adults.
you can't trick her into changing, MM. she doesn't WANT to.
not sure if you are familiar with the AA Preamble but it says in part:
If you want what WE have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, you are ready to take certain steps.
she doesn't want what you have or what AA has to offer - a sober life and lifestyle. she just plain don't. period. it doesn't sound like the selfish spoiled brat has much interest in anything - she's bored, she's tired, she's broke, she doesn't want to muster the energy to parent. well WAH. too bad sister. then she can just go take her woe is me schtick somewhere else. cuz it ain't helpful to what you are trying to do - raise children, in a happy healthy environment so that they become happy healthy adults.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I do not think that she is trying to decide what's best for you. I think she is trying to SILENCE you. She doesn't want you thinking for yourself. Even without a drinking problem, she is the type of personality that MUST be in charge.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
MM,
I swear, dude, I keep having this compulsion to smack you (gently, very gently). Look at what is going on. You have TOLD us all you can't live this way. And then when she says, "If how I live my life causes u anxiety then maybe you shouldn't be with me," you are UPSET about it.
Excuse me, but my response to her statement is, "No duh!" But you are all stressed out over her saying something that HAPPENS to be TRUE. You are getting all hurt and offended when she is speaking the truth! The truth YOU have already spoken!
If this doesn't indicate to you how twisted up this relationship has gotten, I don't know what will.
The problem, we all know, is that you don't WANT her to leave, you WANT her to CHANGE. But she has said, repeatedly, that she ain't interested in changing. But you still don't believe it--you keep trying to accomplish the impossible.
I empathize, believe me, and I fully recognize you have only been working on accepting this situation for a few short weeks. But you have been miserable for a long time, and it is only getting worse.
Dinner alone, a good, absorbing action flick or something, and yes, a stop at Staples for some packing supplies sounds like a good plan for this evening. Why not take your daughter out for a good time? It's got to be pretty grim around the house for her right now. She'd probably love a date with her dad.
I swear, dude, I keep having this compulsion to smack you (gently, very gently). Look at what is going on. You have TOLD us all you can't live this way. And then when she says, "If how I live my life causes u anxiety then maybe you shouldn't be with me," you are UPSET about it.
Excuse me, but my response to her statement is, "No duh!" But you are all stressed out over her saying something that HAPPENS to be TRUE. You are getting all hurt and offended when she is speaking the truth! The truth YOU have already spoken!
If this doesn't indicate to you how twisted up this relationship has gotten, I don't know what will.
The problem, we all know, is that you don't WANT her to leave, you WANT her to CHANGE. But she has said, repeatedly, that she ain't interested in changing. But you still don't believe it--you keep trying to accomplish the impossible.
I empathize, believe me, and I fully recognize you have only been working on accepting this situation for a few short weeks. But you have been miserable for a long time, and it is only getting worse.
Dinner alone, a good, absorbing action flick or something, and yes, a stop at Staples for some packing supplies sounds like a good plan for this evening. Why not take your daughter out for a good time? It's got to be pretty grim around the house for her right now. She'd probably love a date with her dad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I don't think this is your last weekend together. I think your last weekend as a real couple was some time ago. My heart aches for you. You are trying soooo hard to hang on to this, but not realizing it's already finished. Part of our journey is AlAnon's first step. WE realize that WE are powerless against this. You have to surrender at some point, and let her go.
The kindest thing you can do for her is make her leave. Go no contact, leave her to her own choices. It may make her finally realize what life she has created for her and her child. Or not, but again, her choice. Otherwise, you will only continue to spin and spin and spin and spin my friend.
Go out tonight. Spend a little time on you. You don't have to tell her, or explain what you're doing. You're an adult. Just get out and spend an evening not having to listen to the quacking.
It's way past time to take care of yourself.
The kindest thing you can do for her is make her leave. Go no contact, leave her to her own choices. It may make her finally realize what life she has created for her and her child. Or not, but again, her choice. Otherwise, you will only continue to spin and spin and spin and spin my friend.
Go out tonight. Spend a little time on you. You don't have to tell her, or explain what you're doing. You're an adult. Just get out and spend an evening not having to listen to the quacking.
It's way past time to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Manmust bless you.
Now, when are we going to start talking about you, your needs, what you have to do for your own recovery, sanity, your health and well being, and that of your child or children.
She is an alcoholic, alcoholics become worse when comfronted with their own alcoholism.
You and you alone will bare the brunt of it. The monster is rising up, I personally was taken to my knees before I began to care about me. It took far too long, it's enough.
Codependency is a sickness, it needs to be treated.
Where is your bottom???
You are powerless over her disease, you are not powerless over yours.
Now, when are we going to start talking about you, your needs, what you have to do for your own recovery, sanity, your health and well being, and that of your child or children.
She is an alcoholic, alcoholics become worse when comfronted with their own alcoholism.
You and you alone will bare the brunt of it. The monster is rising up, I personally was taken to my knees before I began to care about me. It took far too long, it's enough.
Codependency is a sickness, it needs to be treated.
Where is your bottom???
You are powerless over her disease, you are not powerless over yours.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LexieCat
The problem, we all know, is that you don't WANT her to leave, you WANT her to CHANGE.
Going on a date tonight! Gotta run, take good care! ; )
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Manmust, I feel for you.
I lived on that merry-go-round for years with my AH. I moved out on our 16th wedding anniversary, and it was the best thing that I've done for myself in years.
I lived that exhaustion too, the constant worrying and obsession, the many hopes (THIS time will be the one!) that crashed, the changes in him, us - our lives spiraled out of control. It is no way to live!
I had a different experience with my suicidal AH - he had two serious attempts this past year which landed him in the psych unit (and subsequently, the rehab unit). Luckily for me, I had a great therapist who helped a ton during the process, including the weekend he was missing after he left a suicide note at home. I learned to give him over to the professionals. Once, after I'd moved out, I had to call the police for a welfare check after he told me during a phone conversation that he was suicidal.
During this whole hellbound process, which was AWFUL, I let.go.of.him. as in, I detached, but with love. I felt profound sympathy for him, because I finally realized how sick he is, and that his brain-wiring is all wrong. It was an epiphany for me - that I truly could not control him, that he was his own person with his own problems that only HE could address, and that I needed to take care of me, the only person I can control.
Once I *acted* on that epiphany, it was completely freeing. I love the guy, but I now live my life around me, and my needs (and the menagerie). I'm learning about myself again, and it's great!
Only you can know your time frame for extricating yourself and your kid out of this situation, if you do, ever. I felt a lot of shame and self-loathing because I stayed in my marriage/house for as long as I did. I hope you don't beat yourself up like I did myself, for years.
Unlike you, I have no kids (animals only), and I think that might have been an impetus for me to get out sooner. Living with an alcoholic can and will impact a child for the rest of their lives - as a child who grew up with an AM, I can tell you that it drove nearly all the choices I made, consciously and subconsciously. If I had been healthier, I might not have been drawn to alcoholics as partner. I especially hope you think about your kid here.
Do you teach your child that being lied to/treated like crap is the norm in a relationship, or do you teach your child the way you'd like to see your child live life?
I lived on that merry-go-round for years with my AH. I moved out on our 16th wedding anniversary, and it was the best thing that I've done for myself in years.
I lived that exhaustion too, the constant worrying and obsession, the many hopes (THIS time will be the one!) that crashed, the changes in him, us - our lives spiraled out of control. It is no way to live!
I had a different experience with my suicidal AH - he had two serious attempts this past year which landed him in the psych unit (and subsequently, the rehab unit). Luckily for me, I had a great therapist who helped a ton during the process, including the weekend he was missing after he left a suicide note at home. I learned to give him over to the professionals. Once, after I'd moved out, I had to call the police for a welfare check after he told me during a phone conversation that he was suicidal.
During this whole hellbound process, which was AWFUL, I let.go.of.him. as in, I detached, but with love. I felt profound sympathy for him, because I finally realized how sick he is, and that his brain-wiring is all wrong. It was an epiphany for me - that I truly could not control him, that he was his own person with his own problems that only HE could address, and that I needed to take care of me, the only person I can control.
Once I *acted* on that epiphany, it was completely freeing. I love the guy, but I now live my life around me, and my needs (and the menagerie). I'm learning about myself again, and it's great!
Only you can know your time frame for extricating yourself and your kid out of this situation, if you do, ever. I felt a lot of shame and self-loathing because I stayed in my marriage/house for as long as I did. I hope you don't beat yourself up like I did myself, for years.
Unlike you, I have no kids (animals only), and I think that might have been an impetus for me to get out sooner. Living with an alcoholic can and will impact a child for the rest of their lives - as a child who grew up with an AM, I can tell you that it drove nearly all the choices I made, consciously and subconsciously. If I had been healthier, I might not have been drawn to alcoholics as partner. I especially hope you think about your kid here.
Do you teach your child that being lied to/treated like crap is the norm in a relationship, or do you teach your child the way you'd like to see your child live life?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
I hear all of this and understand, but I can't seem to let go.
Regardless, I'm sitting here after being woke up at 12:30 am. I know she drank some vodka earlier and took Ambien a few hours ago. I fell asleep and thought I heard her come in the bathroom. Well, I woke up, went to get water and her and her kid are gone, and so are the three remaining Ambien.
I'm pretty freaked, she's even more out of control than I thought
Regardless, I'm sitting here after being woke up at 12:30 am. I know she drank some vodka earlier and took Ambien a few hours ago. I fell asleep and thought I heard her come in the bathroom. Well, I woke up, went to get water and her and her kid are gone, and so are the three remaining Ambien.
I'm pretty freaked, she's even more out of control than I thought
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
The last 3 ambien are gone. She claims 2. She admitted to taking a klonopin she got from her "friend"
Of course the margarita and finishing off the vodka earlier was helpful.
I recorded 15 min audio with all kinds of admissions and goodies in case I think she is sane.
I texted her 19 year old daughter. She's coming in town anyway. I need to talk with her.
I need her out of my house, but I worry for her sons safety. I don't know what to do
Of course the margarita and finishing off the vodka earlier was helpful.
I recorded 15 min audio with all kinds of admissions and goodies in case I think she is sane.
I texted her 19 year old daughter. She's coming in town anyway. I need to talk with her.
I need her out of my house, but I worry for her sons safety. I don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Katiekate
She is in deep, Klonopin, Ambien, Booze
Not pretty.
What are you afraid of???
You can not change a thing that she does.
I really feel for you, you can heal from this.
Not pretty.
What are you afraid of???
You can not change a thing that she does.
I really feel for you, you can heal from this.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
It would appear that she is also addicted to drugs...alcohol and drugs, a dangerous combo.
Ask yourself, "Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn't love me back?" You deserve better. You are clinging to someone who doesn't appreciate you in an effort to win their approval....why?
Ask yourself, "Why would I want to be with anyone who doesn't love me back?" You deserve better. You are clinging to someone who doesn't appreciate you in an effort to win their approval....why?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She took her young son out in the car with her to buy beer after downing vodka and pills. Please do something for the sake of that 13-y/o boy. How would you feel if he dies in a car wreck? At the very least, talk to him about getting in the car with her. If she persists, call child protective services. This is serious stuff. It's one thing to risk your own mental/emotional well-being, but that kid doesn't have much choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
The 13 year old was wondering why I looked upset. His mom asked him if he felt unsafe and he said no. I think he was either afraid to say yes or just used to his mom like this. I hope to get a chance to talk to him today alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
does this child have a father or other reliable family members? because he is in a very perilous dangerous situation, with a mother who has all the concern for her young as your basic guppy. it HAS to stop. it's time to get over her and her crap and put the welfare of the children first. please.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
