Take statements made while intoxicated with a grain of salt?
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Take statements made while intoxicated with a grain of salt?
AGF has family in town. Of course they all drink heavily.
Well, there is an open mic night where you can play any instrument with the band at a bar. I have been playing drums 20 years. We all went.
They drank a ton. Didn't get stupid, but I have no clue how many capt and diet cokes they had.
We get home, things get "adultish" between the AGF and I. While we are doing it, she starts talking about deep stuff then says, "what I'm about to say, we will not talk about tomorrow"
She tells me she doesn't want to live anymore.
WOW. F*€king WOW.
What do I make of this? Blow it off, or run like hell, or drive her to a psych ward?
Well, there is an open mic night where you can play any instrument with the band at a bar. I have been playing drums 20 years. We all went.
They drank a ton. Didn't get stupid, but I have no clue how many capt and diet cokes they had.
We get home, things get "adultish" between the AGF and I. While we are doing it, she starts talking about deep stuff then says, "what I'm about to say, we will not talk about tomorrow"
She tells me she doesn't want to live anymore.
WOW. F*€king WOW.
What do I make of this? Blow it off, or run like hell, or drive her to a psych ward?
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I would not blow it off, I would talk to her about it anyway. My AD has said things like this while she was drunk. When she sobers up, she says she doesnt mean it, but I know that she has so many issues that she needs to deal with and that she needs help with, so I've tried to get her that help. So, I would also recommend you talk to her about counseling.
You cant force her to do anything, but if you decide to walk away, at least you know that you addressed it and didnt ignore it. Those kinds of things should never be taken lightly, even when they are done or said while drunk.
You cant force her to do anything, but if you decide to walk away, at least you know that you addressed it and didnt ignore it. Those kinds of things should never be taken lightly, even when they are done or said while drunk.
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Wow is right!
All I know for sure, is when someone is threatening to end their life, call the proper authorities, and allow the trained professional to handle them.
Although this sounds like someone had way too much to drink, alcohol is a depressant and she was obviously having her own little pity party. Can't help wondering if she actually remembers saying this? Regardless, it must be quite disturbing for you.
Personally, I would having a discussion with her about her words. (when she is sober) I would be asking WTH ???? And then I would be asking myself why am I choosing to be with an active alkie?? I know I would be running for the hills.
Nothing is going to change until YOU take the bull by the horns and make healthy choices for yourself. period.
All I know for sure, is when someone is threatening to end their life, call the proper authorities, and allow the trained professional to handle them.
Although this sounds like someone had way too much to drink, alcohol is a depressant and she was obviously having her own little pity party. Can't help wondering if she actually remembers saying this? Regardless, it must be quite disturbing for you.
Personally, I would having a discussion with her about her words. (when she is sober) I would be asking WTH ???? And then I would be asking myself why am I choosing to be with an active alkie?? I know I would be running for the hills.
Nothing is going to change until YOU take the bull by the horns and make healthy choices for yourself. period.
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Yikes, that is pretty heavy stuff. Every once in awhile my XABF would tell me he did not want to live anymore. He was always SUPER intoxicated at the time, so I did not take it too seriously. We were still together, so I was able to keep an eye on him and nothing the next day gave me any indication he was serious. He was just playing me. I would definitly talk to her. That is nothing to take lightly. As far as running like crazy, get out your nikes. nobody need that kind of relationship.
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I know alcohol is a depressant, but I'm really starting to see how it brings her down. Strange because people drink sometimes because they have problems, yet it makes the perception of problems worse as well as causing its own set of problems.
Jeez, this is depressing.
Jeez, this is depressing.
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My exabf threatened suicide while drunk. I kind of blew it off precisely because he was drunk. It didn't occur to me anyone drunk would actually kill himself. I thought his threat was just more of the same BS he always spouted off while under the influence.That belief was proven wrong when I later discovered some horrible stat about the percentage of suicides that were alcohol related. You can go online and look it up, but I think it was something like alcoholism being involved in 30% of suicides.
That said, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend actually threatened suicide. A lot of people say stuff like they don't want to live anymore, without actually intending to take their own lives. She definitely sounds like she's in trouble though, which makes me sad for both of you. The bottom line is, it isn't really your problem or responsibility. If she is an active alcoholic, you can't save her from anything. I lost a non-alcoholic loved one to suicide, and I can assure you, you can't save them either.
That said, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend actually threatened suicide. A lot of people say stuff like they don't want to live anymore, without actually intending to take their own lives. She definitely sounds like she's in trouble though, which makes me sad for both of you. The bottom line is, it isn't really your problem or responsibility. If she is an active alcoholic, you can't save her from anything. I lost a non-alcoholic loved one to suicide, and I can assure you, you can't save them either.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
well that had to really help the mood???
she has consistently shown you what she has to "offer" - is that good enough for you?
she has consistently shown you what she has to "offer" - is that good enough for you?
I'm really trying to find out what she offers. Kinda hard to see through all the taking.
My instinct is to have her leave the house, but honestly I'm not there yet. Honestly.
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After I shared with her how my ex boyfriend got drunk and verbally and physically abused me, my best friend recently shared a saying with me in Spanish... The English translation is "drunk minds speak sober words." The truth comes out when someone drinks... Alcohol is a depressant, and it also lowers one's inhibitions. So we speak our minds more freely, without the filter that usually allows us to think before we speak. I would not take her words lightly. Clearly she is troubled and needs help. You can encourage her to get the help that she needs, but whether or not she actually goes to get it is ultimately up to her. We cannot change the lives of others, only our own lives. You have to decide whether this relationship brings you what you want for your life.
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Originally Posted by Erika1968
My exabf threatened suicide while drunk. I kind of blew it off precisely because he was drunk. It didn't occur to me anyone drunk would actually kill himself. I thought his threat was just more of the same BS he always spouted off while under the influence.That belief was proven wrong when I later discovered some horrible stat about the percentage of suicides that were alcohol related. You can go online and look it up, but I think it was something like alcoholism being involved in 30% of suicides.
That said, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend actually threatened suicide. A lot of people say stuff like they don't want to live anymore, without actually intending to take their own lives. She definitely sounds like she's in trouble though, which makes me sad for both of you. The bottom line is, it isn't really your problem or responsibility. If she is an active alcoholic, you can't save her from anything. I lost a non-alcoholic loved one to suicide, and I can assure you, you can't save them either.
That said, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend actually threatened suicide. A lot of people say stuff like they don't want to live anymore, without actually intending to take their own lives. She definitely sounds like she's in trouble though, which makes me sad for both of you. The bottom line is, it isn't really your problem or responsibility. If she is an active alcoholic, you can't save her from anything. I lost a non-alcoholic loved one to suicide, and I can assure you, you can't save them either.
"it's not a problem" to "I have a issue, but not ready to deal with it"
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I'm so sorry to hear this, Manmust. What an awful sleepless night you must have had. It's very strange that she said this in the throes of passion, but, then again, very little of what alcoholics do makes sense.
While an active drinker my partner said something similar and I was very scared. In retrospect, I knew he didn't mean it for many reasons, but it was his way of punishing me for some imaginary wrong. When I left him, he decided to quit drinking. As he was going through withdrawal his statements became even more disjointed and disturbing. Everything he said was a manipulation to get me to come back before he whacked me with: "If you don't come home I don't know what I will do. I will do something to myself."
I had that same overwhelming fear of whether he really meant that. He was shaking crying, sweating... a mess. But by the next time I saw him I saw it for what it was-a pure manipulation tactic. I was furious that he would want me to worry and that he would stoop so low as to play with my care for him in such a way. Furious. He knows me and he knows what works with me. I brought it up with him and he just looked sheepish and mumbled that "Of course I wouldn't hurt myself. I just need you to come home." This just made me angrier and I told him that he had been incredibly unfair and would not be swayed by manipulation. He apologised profusely, but just removed that particular manipulation tactic from his toolbox with the knowledge that I was onto him. There were plenty more tactics where that came from.
I'm not saying that this is what your wife is doing, but either way she has put you in an awful position and she knows it. Alcoholics are manipulators pure and simple. You need to sit down with her and work out what she was up to. If you think she was serious, you must take action. But if she was just trying to maipulate you for some reason and didn't mean it, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms how completely unfair it was of her to say such a thing.
While an active drinker my partner said something similar and I was very scared. In retrospect, I knew he didn't mean it for many reasons, but it was his way of punishing me for some imaginary wrong. When I left him, he decided to quit drinking. As he was going through withdrawal his statements became even more disjointed and disturbing. Everything he said was a manipulation to get me to come back before he whacked me with: "If you don't come home I don't know what I will do. I will do something to myself."
I had that same overwhelming fear of whether he really meant that. He was shaking crying, sweating... a mess. But by the next time I saw him I saw it for what it was-a pure manipulation tactic. I was furious that he would want me to worry and that he would stoop so low as to play with my care for him in such a way. Furious. He knows me and he knows what works with me. I brought it up with him and he just looked sheepish and mumbled that "Of course I wouldn't hurt myself. I just need you to come home." This just made me angrier and I told him that he had been incredibly unfair and would not be swayed by manipulation. He apologised profusely, but just removed that particular manipulation tactic from his toolbox with the knowledge that I was onto him. There were plenty more tactics where that came from.
I'm not saying that this is what your wife is doing, but either way she has put you in an awful position and she knows it. Alcoholics are manipulators pure and simple. You need to sit down with her and work out what she was up to. If you think she was serious, you must take action. But if she was just trying to maipulate you for some reason and didn't mean it, you need to let her know in no uncertain terms how completely unfair it was of her to say such a thing.
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In hindsight, while I was fighting with the AH about whether or not he had a problem, I wish I'd held him accountable for the threats he made. The suicide attempts, ideations, and threats, especially. You can't be the thought police and you can't modify your life to save her. If it ever goes past idle comments, I'd call her on it.
Or, you know, you could decide whether or not this relationship is the hill you want to die on.
I also want to say, as someone who has battled some deep, dark depression, that it was wise for you to stop sexual contact with your partner after that. Especially with women, the conflation of sex, death, and self-destruction is definitely a part of poor mental health. Not sexy. Red flag.
Or, you know, you could decide whether or not this relationship is the hill you want to die on.
I also want to say, as someone who has battled some deep, dark depression, that it was wise for you to stop sexual contact with your partner after that. Especially with women, the conflation of sex, death, and self-destruction is definitely a part of poor mental health. Not sexy. Red flag.
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"drunk minds speak sober words." (stronger12879)
While I can agree the drunk mouth has NO FILTER, I learned the hard way not to believe one word that was spewing out of his intoxicated mouth. Nothing more than meaningless words of an incapicated person, who seemed to find a false sense of liquid courage! And as soon as his head hit the pillow, whatever was said was long forgotten. (for him)
More lies, more drama, more chaos, more manipulation, just another day in the life of an addict.
Florence does make a valid point regarding ending sexual contact, what if she were to wake up and decide the previous night was not consensual?? Playing with fire here. Longshot? perhaps, but she is definitely not stable .
While I can agree the drunk mouth has NO FILTER, I learned the hard way not to believe one word that was spewing out of his intoxicated mouth. Nothing more than meaningless words of an incapicated person, who seemed to find a false sense of liquid courage! And as soon as his head hit the pillow, whatever was said was long forgotten. (for him)
More lies, more drama, more chaos, more manipulation, just another day in the life of an addict.
Florence does make a valid point regarding ending sexual contact, what if she were to wake up and decide the previous night was not consensual?? Playing with fire here. Longshot? perhaps, but she is definitely not stable .
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I'm knee deep in her family being here, on top of AGF daughter breaking up with her bf and driving 4 hours to pick her up for college.
I can't wait to read and re read all responses.
I talked to her and she doesn't remember last night. But admits how depressed, hopeless and unhappy she is. Claims she works too much.
I would love to work her hours....and I'm happy(considering)
I can't wait to read and re read all responses.
I talked to her and she doesn't remember last night. But admits how depressed, hopeless and unhappy she is. Claims she works too much.
I would love to work her hours....and I'm happy(considering)
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Oh Manmust,
if i were a betting woman,
I would bet you are in denial, my friend.
But go ahead and keep doing what you are doing. We will be here on the porch.
if i were a betting woman,
I would bet you are in denial, my friend.
But go ahead and keep doing what you are doing. We will be here on the porch.
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@Manmust
Let me say how sorry I am you are dealing with these new found revelations...
I too can empathize with the bizarre and "yet another reality game of what's real and whats not" that the addict plays. And we play along.....
When I first met my BF, I always wondered why he took the train to see me or why he never drove- even when I was exhausted and needed him to go for a quick trip to the store...
He would attribute it to the fact that he lived in a city area (NYC/NEwark) for yrs and "never had a need for a car" (hence public transportation). Found it odd, yet for some reason just believed him....seemed reasonable, right???
Come to find out he has no DL due to his 2nd DUI......
Of course it all comes as a shock until its hindsight. Then we start to see the signs and early red flags that seemed odd; but we were trusting nonetheless.
The A-Ha moments and reflections of "that makes so much sense now"....
My advice to you is to heed the stories of the family members and know that what they find "funny" and " a good story" about one's alcoholic antics; is probably more accurate than you would want to believe. Because you see.,,they view it as normal and amusing. While the rest of the onlookers are horrified and embarrassed for them.
In your situation, she may see some shame in it; however the family still sees humor in the behavior. Dichotomy.....
Round robin shame cycle......
I get that you may not be there. I just wanted to validate that you are not alone in the disbelief of what the alcoholic says vs. what the reality of pretty much everything else......
Many Blessings.....
Let me say how sorry I am you are dealing with these new found revelations...
I too can empathize with the bizarre and "yet another reality game of what's real and whats not" that the addict plays. And we play along.....
When I first met my BF, I always wondered why he took the train to see me or why he never drove- even when I was exhausted and needed him to go for a quick trip to the store...
He would attribute it to the fact that he lived in a city area (NYC/NEwark) for yrs and "never had a need for a car" (hence public transportation). Found it odd, yet for some reason just believed him....seemed reasonable, right???
Come to find out he has no DL due to his 2nd DUI......
Of course it all comes as a shock until its hindsight. Then we start to see the signs and early red flags that seemed odd; but we were trusting nonetheless.
The A-Ha moments and reflections of "that makes so much sense now"....
My advice to you is to heed the stories of the family members and know that what they find "funny" and " a good story" about one's alcoholic antics; is probably more accurate than you would want to believe. Because you see.,,they view it as normal and amusing. While the rest of the onlookers are horrified and embarrassed for them.
In your situation, she may see some shame in it; however the family still sees humor in the behavior. Dichotomy.....
Round robin shame cycle......
I get that you may not be there. I just wanted to validate that you are not alone in the disbelief of what the alcoholic says vs. what the reality of pretty much everything else......
Many Blessings.....
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I would pay attention to it but I agree with another poster that a lot of what is said while intoxicated isn't completely sincere and often downright lunacy.
That said it seems to me that your AGF is demonstrating a realization of the hopelessness (in her mind) of her addiction. The can't live with it/can't live without it syndrome. My husband said that at least the last 7 or 8 years of his raging alcoholism was spent trying to find the good times when it was fun and they just weren't to be found anymore. Another poster on here, Pohsfriend, calls it circling the drain and I think that's a very accurate description.
Just keep posting and reading and educating yourself. Have you tried Al Anon yet?
That said it seems to me that your AGF is demonstrating a realization of the hopelessness (in her mind) of her addiction. The can't live with it/can't live without it syndrome. My husband said that at least the last 7 or 8 years of his raging alcoholism was spent trying to find the good times when it was fun and they just weren't to be found anymore. Another poster on here, Pohsfriend, calls it circling the drain and I think that's a very accurate description.
Just keep posting and reading and educating yourself. Have you tried Al Anon yet?
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RAW made same comment after she told me she took x-number of pills with alcohol. I was at work and had to leave in a hurry, call the neighbors who ran over to confirm and hit the panic button on the home alarm.
I hope and pray you do not have to go through that.
I hope and pray you do not have to go through that.
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