Manmust

She gave me attitude today. All day. Was depressed, short on text messages. Got home and acted pissed. She bought her son a iPhone. Her 13 year old son that had a working phone that calls and texts. Now she pays for a data plan. Claims the dad will pay, but haven't seen child support. I pay most bills and she complains of lack of money.
She had no good reason other than "ill do what I want"
Says she's not doing AA and sees nothing wrong with 2-3 beers a night...shall i mention its 9 ands she's 5 in?
Complained about me all afternoon. God, I wish it were next Thursday in therapy.
I see it. We are breaking up and she's moving out. I offered her out and told her I won't be mad or angry. Don't let me cause all this distress in your life.

It's gonna be rough, I need to be tough and do what's best for my daughter and I

skella99

Thank you for sharing your story. I have seen a lot of similarities in behavior between your AGF and my AD. And like your story, I am in the process of forcing my AD out onto the streets. She is an adult now, but I know she has no money, no job, nothing. But like you, I cant allow her to live here and cause all this trauma and drama for me and my other kids.

This is such a hard decision, but I agree with you, it must be done because it is the best thing.

pattyG

manmust,

As hard is it is, you have to do what's best for yourself and your daughter. I recently had my relationship with my XAGF explode. For 4 1/2 yrs it has been a rollercoaster, her never not drinking, breaking up, a week later back together. She moved out officially 3 years ago but stayed and left as she liked. My friends warned me..."how much do you have to lose for it to be enough? For it to be over?". I rationalized in my head that I was the only person who truly loved her, that she had a mental illness as well and I couldn't leave her. Well, 2 months ago she went behind my back and filed for joint custody and visitation of MY kids. Ok, now I'm awake. Is it worth losing my kids to an A? Do I want them at her apartment unsupervised around the addicts and drunks and criminals? She had left twice in the past year, broken up with me and each time I went to her trying to restore our relationship. Fool. Those times we had been apart fro a week or so, and never was there any mention of custody. In fact she had said that the kids were young and as much as it hurt her, they would forget her in time...thus she was letting go. Now, like a dog on a bone, she is fighting me with a lawyer. Anyway, my point in this is...how much do you and your daughter have to lose before you walk away?

choublak

I've had this said to me quite a few times, by different people, including my father. In my own experience, it's a manipulative way of keeping other people "around".

Recovering2

She tells you she's not going to AA, and sees no problem drinking. What is it you expect from therapy? Expectations are planned resentments. I just hope you're able to be clear about what therapy can and can not do. You seem to be trying to give her an out, taking responsibility for being the cause of her distress. Really? You pay the bills, you care about her child, you continue to try. Why are you taking responsibility for her distress? I'm not trying to be harsh, but I feel like you're taking blame for things that aren't your doing. We all tend to do that, which doesn't help the A.

I truly want peace and health for you.

Manmust

I guess I was playing in her universe...while knowing its not reality.
I know a counseling session won't motivate her to AA or change. I'm viewing the session as the the therapist to hear both of our view points and get a professional opinion. I'm not expecting her to tell me I need to leave. But, I'm in the stage of eliminating regrets to be sure I feel I've made the best choice. 2 months ago, I never would have thought of ending it, so I can spare another week so that I can rest my head comfortably when I tell her it's time to go.

Tuffgirl

You are trying to give her every last chance to "change".

We've all been there. Do what you must.

But remember the serenity prayer:

Accept the things I cannot change (her), courage to change the things I can (you).

A professional opinion is not going to make your situation any easier, nor will she care what the professional has to say if she is not ready to change anything about herself and her life.

Manmust

I agree 100%. I'm doing the therapy for ME! I love reading here. Sometimes the right phrase or quote puts events in your life in true perspective and out of denial.

peridotbleu

Hi Manmust, I have been following your post, but I too am new to all of this. I have an AH that I have been dealing with for several years and It amazes me how the A's make it sound like its our fault that the relationship is going badly or that we are WANTING to end it for no reason - that we are making a fuss over nothing.......REALLY???? When we are only reacting to their actions and we are the ones that are trying to make it work, and they turn everything around and make us doubt ourselves! But then just as you think you have had enough, the person that you fell in love with comes out of nowhere and the cycle starts over again!!! Hang in there, and know that you are not alone, we feel your pain!

Manmust

Tonight we stayed in. Sometimes she hints that she's gonna be here...it gets slipped into future plan discussion, etc.
Although her Facebook posts are about needing to being alone and love without attachment. She's got it looking one way to her friends, I don't even confront her.
I guess I'm practicing detachment?
At least I didn't deal with a drunk tonight.

LexieCat

Detachment means not obsessively reading her Facebook posts.

You are still trying to read tea leaves.

Manmust

Ugh!

Manmust

Why oh why did I even read a paragraph on alcoholism to her(that summed her up well) and ask if she was okay raising her son in an alcoholic home like her dad did?
She went into a rage.
Why did I even do that?

SparkleKitty

You were looking for bread in the hardware store. We have all done it. It's okay. Lesson learned, right?

FireSprite

:codiepolice

We've all done similar stuff Manmust. We instinctively try to make them see the reasoning, the logic, the insanity... but the truth is that they CAN'T until THEY are ready.

Yes, bread at the hardware store is the perfect analogy.

Tuffgirl

I couldn't agree more - its why I continue to stick around even though I am a year out of any contact with the XAH.

Keep talking...its amazing how much we work things out in our heads while bouncing things off of others.

P.S. I went to the hardware store for bread lots of times. It took me making a conscious point to acknowledge my attempts at reason that I thought was "helpful" was actually methods of controlling someone else's behavior.

Manmust

Thank you guys for reading. This feels like an online journal of emotions, feelings and actions but gets reviewed by people that have experience and can think more clearly.


So she left this morning angry at me. I should have been more considerate that she was going to have a full day of work and I shouldn't talk about alcoholism.
How selfish of me...rolls eyes..
So, before she left, she then complains that she has a horrible weekend to look forward to and nothing to look forward to tonight because I have no money(wasn't she the one buying an iPhone for her son this week when he had a fully working phone already?)

Hmm, sounds like she was trying to be hurtful there.
Anyway, I really don't want to sit home tonight(was supposed to go out last night, but skipped because her son got sick).

I figure, what the hell and send her a text asking if she wanted to go out with me tonight. Just us two...no inviting of friends. I get:
"Not sure on tonight. I prob won't be good company. Not feeling good at all about things. I'm really down"

I told her if she changes her mind to let me know and that I didn't plan to talk to her about that this morning. Then get
"That's the thing. You didn't think. I'm pretty much at the point of utter despair. This is not how I should feel in our relationship.
If how I live my life causes u anxiety then maybe you shouldn't be with me. " (she made it sound like I didn't want her having friends....when its obvious that's not true...so I said I just don't like when she goes out and drinks because she can't stop)
". I'm sick of our issues consuming me to the point where I'm too exhausted to parent my child. "

So lookie here....this is all my fault. Ugh.

So what's in store for tonight? Outside of me helping her get a new mattress here for her son, I'm sure it will be drinking for her on the couch with her son.

What is my best course of action tonight? Lock myself away in the bedroom so I don't have to deal? Leave the house and go out?

Katiekate

Get all the things you are responsible for done.

Take yourself out for a nice dinner and a movie.

Or go to starbucks with a book or computer.

Do some you time.

Take good care of you. That is never wasted time.

Oh, as to the comments about how awful you are, QUACKITY QUACK QUACK

AnvilheadII

why when she was today (as she has been every other day from what i can tell) awful towards you, complains about how sucky HER weekend is going to be, yada yada, did YOU decide to invite her out to do something? you tell us in full detail what a honestly lousy person she is, how she treats you, her kids, the drinking (the ongoing daily drinking), how neglected you feel, how much crap you put up with

but then you turn around and invite this sour bitter woman who treats you SO poorly out on a date? your actions are as chaotic as hers. you seem to be under a spell or something.

haven't you seen this movie already???

marie1960

" If how I live my life causes u anxiety then maybe you shouldn't be with me." manmust)


^^^^^^ this is some heavy duty manipulation, my friend. ^^^^^^^^

Let's shift all her Bullsh*t on you, so in her twisted mind she is squeaky clean. wow!

And the too exhausted to parent her child, how very selfish....... she needs to grow up. period.

Not a chance in hell I would waste my friday nite with her and her pity party.!!!