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Requesting advice on control

Old 01-10-2013, 09:03 AM
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Requesting advice on control

So ExAG (10 months "sober") has been out of the house since the beginning of Nov. In every conversation we have, I guess I have unrealistic expectations... I want her to appologize for her drinking and the hurt, and tell me her most recent affair was a mistake. She will not. So I want her to tell me that our relationship is over, which she will not. All she says is that this separation is necessary for us since our relationship has been sick, and that she needs to overcome some hurdles and resentments she has for me. She states that as painful as this is, it is actually healthy for us. She still sees us together in the future, and thinks we can work through this, but needs time. The kicker is that she will not quit communication with the other guy, stating that he is not the issue with our relationship (he is old high school boyfriend going through difficult divorce/maybe not divorce), but is has progressed to "affair status." According to her, it is comfortable and non-judgemental, with no pressure.

In my insecurity, I tend to direct every conversation toward her status and intent with HIM, which creates problems with our communication (angers her and causes her to shut down). She passively states that she has "no plans" to travel over and see him anytime soon, but to me that is different than "I will not be seeing him again." Am I wrong to insist that she stops communication with him? Or is that just showing her that I am still a sick, controlling co-dependent (which is one of her hurdles with me...)

Also, I dont feel like I have the proper "grounds" for a demand like that, since we are apart, are not in active counseling together, and are not really currently "working" toward reparation... just indirect through separation and her words.

I know I should run for the hills, but the past few weeks she has sounded so grounded and seems to be relatively "healthy," which is the one I fell in love with... And she continues to tell me that she wants a future with me (just not the way things are now).

Advice requested...
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:16 AM
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Hi. In my honest opinion, you should do your very best to leave her alone. things are going to transpire exactly as they will, with absolutely no direction from you or anyone else. she may respect your willingness to let go. best wishes
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:17 AM
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So, the problems are all because of you and she has taken no accountability in her contributions (negative ones) to the relationship? Yep, that sounds like an A.

Yes, you may have your own issues and problems (we all do), but she also needs to take some repsonsibility for hers if it is to be a 'partnership'. Blameshifting - a prominent Alkie tactic.

Have you considered going "No Contact" for awhile? I think you each need to work on your own issues. And she had an affair and you are okay with taking her back?

As a post from yesterday goes - there's an old saying., "If you love something, set it free." If it doesn't work out, then it was never meant to be. Forcing her into a relationship is doing neither of you any good.

Take care of getting YOU healthy and in a good mindset, and let her take care of herself.

More will be revealed. Stop obsessing.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazed View Post
So I want her to tell me that our relationship is over, which she will not.
Hi crazed, I'm sorry to read about the things that brought you here but glad you've found us.

I pulled this quote out from your post because I find it confusing - Why do you need HER to tell YOU that it's over? Do you WANT to be in a relationship with her? I think that's the first thing to determine before trying to figure out how best to handle your situation, just my $.02, but food for thought.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:36 AM
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I agree you should consider No Contact. There is obviously no relationship, at least not a healthy one, right now. Sounds like you're being kept out there dangling on a line while she takes her time figuring out what she wants. Is that what you want? You want answers from her, but you already know the answers. Part of being in a relationship with an A often means we learn not to trust our own instincts/judgements.

My advice....and I don't mean to be harsh. You have a lot of work to do on gaining self esteem. Respect yourself. Don't hang out there waiting on someone else to decide what happens with your life. Find an AlAnon meeting, listen and learn from other's experiences. Find a counselor. Keep posting here. Strongly consider going No Contact.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:53 AM
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Hi crazed, I really get where you are coming from. I read you are going to Al-Anon and that is a great start for your own healing.

So, step one tells us we are powerless over alcohol. So true, but if you read between the lines you will see that it also is giving insight on all sorts of control.

What I have learned is that I have no control over not only someone else's drinking but I have no control over other people, places and things. The only thing I have control over is myself and how I choose to respond to what is going on around me.

I accepted that my AW was going to do what she wanted to do and I did not have any control over that and to be honest it really wasn't my place to even try to make her into the person I thought she should be. What I had to do was let go of owning her behaviors and start focusing on myself.

That letting go was such a relief because I didn't have to carry around all that baggage any more. Once I put it down and really looked at myself I started to see all the possibilities I had in my life and living with someone treated me the way she treated me wasn't one of them.

A good quote I heard here is that codependency isn't about having a dysfunctional relationship with someone else, it is a lack of relationship with self.

Your friend,
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:07 AM
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The title of your post talks about control. And I think that that's insightful. You're trying so hard to control everything. And I recognize so much of it.

I left my A, but the need to control things remained with me. I'm working on it. And freaky as it may sound, "giving up control" is really a relief. Because it really isn't changing anything but your attitude. It's more an issue of realizing you didn't have any control in the first place.

What I found is that when I attempt to control other people's actions, or control relationships, is that I'm really not treating the other person with respect, like an equal, like an adult. I'm taking almost a parent role towards them -- you know, an "I know better than you do" position?

For me, it's more convenient to tell other people what to do than to deal with my own emotions. I can feel caring and loving and needed (that's my "drug") and stepping back and letting things be means I don't feel needed anymore. It's just me, myself, and my feelings sort of poking me on the shoulder saying, "Um, 'scuse me? A minute?"
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazed View Post
he is old high school boyfriend going through difficult divorce/maybe not divorce
What the hell does that mean?

Personally, if something confuses me, I don't touch it.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:02 AM
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Exactly how is an apology going to change anything?

At this point it would only equate to meaningless words.

Just like on an airplane, you are told to secure YOUR oxygen mask first, before helping another.

You are not her salvation, you can't really help her, so do the next best thing and figure out who you really are.

Time to place value on your self worth, my friend.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:05 AM
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It seems to me that she owes you an apology but I agree with C.O.D. that getting an alcoholic to admit they are responsible for any problems is virtually impossible.

There are some things I would not be able to forgive and affairs are one of them. Of course what you decide to do with this relationship is up to you. Do you think you can trust her again? For me that would be a big problem.

I kinda struggled with axbf in trying to control him. When I realized it was virtually impossible and started distancing myself from it/him, things just fell apart because he said I was no longer meeting his needs. What he really needed was for someone to accept that he will drink and smoke as much as he wanted to, and I was not that person.

Anyway it has all been very painful but also quite liberating. I realize I am still clinging to the past and that is the final piece I have been trying to let go of. After this I'm not sure I want to be in another relationship for a while.

good luck whatever you decide.
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:13 AM
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As long as my insecurities were driving my actions, I was miserable.

When I really dug into recovery from my own codependency issues, I began to tackle those insecurities.

She may be in "recovery", but both of you are still dancing the dance of insanity.

The only thing you can control is yourself, dear.

Keep attending those Alanon meetings and posting here!

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:35 PM
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Thank you all for the honest feedback. No Contact would be well suited. At this point, my obsession, control and rejection says that I want her back no matter what. I think I am hurting so bad I haven't really considered the true feelings and resentments that would come out if she DID come back. It is insane, I know.

I never though I had self-esteem issues, but perhaps it is time to reconsider...

Regarding the parent/child relationship - yup. That has been pointed out by her therapist. Ironically, all of her drinking occurred when I was out of town on business (frequent).

Choublak - when exAG moved out she started having an affair with old high school boyfriend who's wife left him last year. Their divorce is not finalized, and now wife reappeared wanting to work at reconciliation. (Even families without alcoholics have these issues )
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:50 PM
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Sorry to say this because I know what you going through but "run for the hills".Take time to work on yyour self, have no contact with her.If she is like my AW that will be hard cause once she see's your doing alright on your own she'll be contacting you.Don't be like me 15 years later,kids involved,and a miserable life.
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:56 PM
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Thanks Mike. While I know this is the best course of action, what if THIS TIME recovery works for her?
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:01 PM
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I hope recovery works for her but you work on your recovery.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:22 PM
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[QUOTE=Freedom1990;3764143As ]

dancing the dance of insanity.


Perfect way to put it!
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:29 PM
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IF this time recovery works for her, then things will fall into place. But you have no power to make that happen. YOUR recovery matters just as much. You can't really be successful yourself if you're hanging on to her and waiting for her to make decisions for you.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Crazed View Post
(Even families without alcoholics have these issues )
LOL. My parents being among them. My dad had a long ongoing affair (I have no idea if it's still going on but I don't care to know) and now my parents are in the process of getting a divorce (again, I don't know where they are in that process but I really don't want to know). I've had way too much exposure to these confusing issues, which is why I don't even involve myself in something that sounds weird or off.
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