Hi crazed, I really get where you are coming from. I read you are going to Al-Anon and that is a great start for your own healing.
So, step one tells us we are powerless over alcohol. So true, but if you read between the lines you will see that it also is giving insight on all sorts of control.
What I have learned is that I have no control over not only someone else's drinking but I have no control over other people, places and things. The only thing I have control over is myself and how I choose to respond to what is going on around me.
I accepted that my AW was going to do what she wanted to do and I did not have any control over that and to be honest it really wasn't my place to even try to make her into the person I thought she should be. What I had to do was let go of owning her behaviors and start focusing on myself.
That letting go was such a relief because I didn't have to carry around all that baggage any more. Once I put it down and really looked at myself I started to see all the possibilities I had in my life and living with someone treated me the way she treated me wasn't one of them.
A good quote I heard here is that codependency isn't about having a dysfunctional relationship with someone else, it is a lack of relationship with self.
Your friend,